To put nearly 17 year old son out

[whostoletheeyeoutyourteddybear]

My almost 17 year old son has been attending school and college which is great. And walks the dogs (when forced). However, he behaves utterly entitled, expects everything from me and everything done for him. If I don't cook all his food he will starve all day then cook late at night and leave all the mess for me in the morning. I bought our current property (victorian building) in July to get away from ex partner who was a tad abusive. However, my son has seen us living just the 2 of us as a way to walk all over me. He punched a hole in an internal wall last week because I wouldn't reinstate his gym membership as he had been pretty crap of late. There are cracks all over the internal wall of his bedroom that have appeared in the last couple of months with him slamming doors and stamping his feet. He has had the world off me. It's mainly only ever been the 2 of us. He's been round the world with me. I'm so fair with him but he treats me like a slave and talks to me like shit. Strangely, he has a couple of days here and there where he is the lovely son again. Well, I've told his dad I'm not taking it and he can pack his bags and move in with him (not my abusive ex) if he doesn't stop this attitude. He will soon realise as he won't be able to attend his school or college abd wouldn't see his friends, as his dad lives quite far. AiBU or is his behavior just not acceptable?

YANBU. Put yourself first for a while. He’s old enough for a wake up call.

Don't do it all dramatic-like. Offer as an alternative, in a calm and reasonable manner.

You're not "putting him out", are you. (Trying to not eyeroll)

How long was the abusive ex in both of your lives? Maybe its affected him in ways he doesn't realise? Would counselling help him? Kids know what's going on in their homes more than we realise.
Not that you should have to put up with abuse from your son either but even if he leaves getting some help might be necessary

I think you should absolutely deal with his behaviour, but refusing to give your child headroom isn't the best way to do that.

Do you think the breakdown of your relationship with his father and then witnessing (?) your abuse at the hands of your ex has had an impact on his behaviour?

I think it would damage an already fractious relationship.

Also, he’s 16. Is there a reason why you don’t want to cook for him?

I’m not going to excuse his violence but he sounds angry and sad. He’s seen you being abused by your boyfriend. I’m not surprised he’s not all sunshine and rainbows to be honest.

I think he needs counselling as he seems to have picked up some of the behaviours of your abusive ex. But it may be better if he lives with his dad while he does that.

He's very young and needs help from you.

Send him, do it.

What does "he has been all around the world with me" mean? Do you mean you have moved him to various places to live?

Hi folks,

Thanks for the responses so far. I was with my ex for 3 years. He also didn't witness the relationship breakdown with his dad as it happened during pregnancy. So he's always had plenty of support. He also did receive counselling from school regarding my abusive relationship and I see women's aid. Most of our life it's just been the 2 of us and he does kind of try to dictate as he questions everything I'm doing. Tbf we have had a lot of loss as he is now mh onky immediate family due to death etc. We have both had counselling for that. I work hard to give him everything in a good job fill time and also study for my Masters outwith. To @Haworthia who says why don't I cook for him as he is 16...well I cook most nights. However, I leave home at 7am for work and get back at 6pm each weekday. I get up at 6am and walk the dogs first. I get him out his bed as he won't unless I wake him. I then come home at nigght and spend time stocking up my log burner to get the heat goung whilst I make a dinner which he may then decide he doesn't want. I then need to spend the rest of the evening on my masters degree and also cleaning before bed to start all again next day. And for the pleasure all I get is cheek and more mess piled on me. He does not wash up if asked. Also, in Scotland... Not England.. 16 is a legal adult. So by God he should know how to make a meal for himself now and then.!

He's your son and he needs your support not to be made to move out. Stopping him attending his school/college is not acceptable, you need to look at what he needs like counselling or other support.
As for his meals, why wouldn't you cook for him when he's wanting a meal? It's your job to provide for him and not leave him so hungry that he is cooking late at night.

Why not suggest you prepare some meals together as it can be a good time to talk about all kinds of things - light hearted chat about whatever can lead to more of a relationship to build bridges. My teenage son and I have the best chats when we're doing something simple together or are out in the car.

@recycledbottle just means we have actually travelled the world. Not that we have moved different places.

It doesn’t sound like you spend much time with him

@halocompanach I think you are living in a dream world. I have tried and tried to get him to cook with me to no avail. Secondly, I'm not a bloody slave 😂 he is 16 and can cook himself a meal if I'm not able to cook at that time. Oooh let's set our sons up to expext their wives to be based in the kitchen ffs. As for chatting, we chat regularly, as I said in my post he has really good days but then he changes to the complete opposite.

Send him to his dads for the rest of the Christmas holidays. You need a break from each other. Come to Jesus meeting in the new year about where you go from there.

@BigSandyBalls2015 we spend every god damn day together. I agree, on week days it's limited due to work, travel, study for me and school, college and gym for him. But at the weekend we spend a lot of time together. Also, given this is the Christmas holidays and we are both off for the full 16 days we have been out and about doing stuff but it really doesn't matter. I'm not one of those mums who goes out on the weekends at night. I'm always here if he needs me. He opened all the presents from his dad on Christmas morning and said they were shit so don't think this is just about me.

@halocompanach he is also his dad's son. 👌

DO not take abuse from your Son, you've just gotten rid of an abusive partner FFS...

You would not be unreasonable to make him move in with his Father.

You LADY deserve better.

I think you and he need a break from each other. You are not 'putting him out', he is going to live with his father, not on the streets or in some squat.

On MN you can see precisely why so many men end up lazy, selfish, thoughtless, entitled manchildren.

Sometimes it's better for everyone when a child goes to live with their other parent or even with immediate family in some settings. It's very common in a lot of cultures.

Tell his dad he needs to take him on.

Funny how it's all your responsibility to cook his meals and 'provide' for him but he has another parent no one is mentioning at all.

It's his child, too. Time for him to step up.

One of mine had to go and live with my sister for a while. It was the making of us. Similarly, my mother's sister's son lived with us for a few years when he was a teen.

Yes, he's also his Dad's son but he doesn't live near enough for him to carry on at his school/college so he's better with the OP surely?

As for a woman being in the kitchen, DS and I cook together at times - he knows my place is not in the kitchen but as the adult in the house, I cook most of the time. DS has been able to cook an evening meal since he was 10, as have his older brother and sister as he learnt from me as he was growing up. He still doesn't tend to cook on his own though he and his brother both did the xmas eve meal together.

Again @halocompanach. I would not be stopping his school/college of he was sent to his dad's. It would just then be his dad's responsibility to be him there as I do each day. Both myself and his father live quite far from his school. Difference between myself and his father is his father ensure he got there quoting work responsibilities. Well I also work full time but I manage.. So you say I'm behaving unacceptablly??? Really!! I'm more 'doormat' at the minute. Oh abd he still expects his trip across to West Coast America courtesy of me in the summer. But won't look for any part time work to earn spending money(we live in a tourist town where he only needs to cross the road for part time work, lots of shop and cafe work here).

Did your ex physically or emotionally abuse your ds too? I assume there is a distinct possibility, especially if he wasn’t your sons dad. He’s still young emotionally and sounds like he needs help as he’s displaying anger issues which may be a result of what’s happened in his life. Get him some private counselling if you and his dad can afford it. He needs help to sort his issues out, not abandoning.

@halocompanach typo (well kits of them😁). Should say 'his father won't ensure he gets to school or college as he quotes work responsibilities, which h I also have BTW)

He will soon realise as he won't be able to attend his school or college abd wouldn't see his friends, as his dad lives quite far.

You said this so why are you now saying that going to his Dad's to live wouldn't stop him from attending his school or college?

No, he's not better with the OP if he's abusing her. FFS, it's not about the sodding cooking. And nearly 17 year old's should be seeing to feeding themselves a good deal of the time, especially if they live with a lone parent who has to work to put the food in the fridge.

He and his dad can work on transport.

NO ONE should be putting up with abuse like this. Bet you London to a brick he won't pull this with his father.