To put nearly 17 year old son out

[whostoletheeyeoutyourteddybear]

My almost 17 year old son has been attending school and college which is great. And walks the dogs (when forced). However, he behaves utterly entitled, expects everything from me and everything done for him. If I don't cook all his food he will starve all day then cook late at night and leave all the mess for me in the morning. I bought our current property (victorian building) in July to get away from ex partner who was a tad abusive. However, my son has seen us living just the 2 of us as a way to walk all over me. He punched a hole in an internal wall last week because I wouldn't reinstate his gym membership as he had been pretty crap of late. There are cracks all over the internal wall of his bedroom that have appeared in the last couple of months with him slamming doors and stamping his feet. He has had the world off me. It's mainly only ever been the 2 of us. He's been round the world with me. I'm so fair with him but he treats me like a slave and talks to me like shit. Strangely, he has a couple of days here and there where he is the lovely son again. Well, I've told his dad I'm not taking it and he can pack his bags and move in with him (not my abusive ex) if he doesn't stop this attitude. He will soon realise as he won't be able to attend his school or college abd wouldn't see his friends, as his dad lives quite far. AiBU or is his behavior just not acceptable?

In my view there is a dynamic between sons and single mothers which is very different from sons and their single dads. My DS (15) seems to think he is King of the house, that I am his servant and that despite working, shopping and providing, I am to be disrespected and laughed at. I have not brought him up in this way. He has become like this in the last year, and it’s reinforced by the fact he is much bigger and can intimidate me. I am also thinking that he should go and live with his Dad. Not because it’s a punishment but tonsay “no, I will not be treated in this way, if you want to stay here then you will be considerate and respectful”. He does not treat his Dad like this. I think that may of you who are holding forth have not had the experience of being a single mum with a physically large, mentally immature young man. It is no picnic and support is needed.

@fleetheart your response is spot on. Ko matter what I do for him and how lovely a time we may have on general days he still thinks he is king and I am here to slave. He actially says it and not in a joke. I get 'mum you should be cooking 3 hot meals a day for me' 'it's not my job to clean the house mum it's yours' 'wow mum I put a hole in the wall, it's no big deal,' don't disrespect me mum by razing your voice'., these are just examples and polite ones. But he thinks because he goes to the gym and is so much bigger and is legally an adult that he can intimate me into getting his own way. His best saying is 'That's not how it works mum, you will just make it worse for yourself'.

His best saying is 'That's not how it works mum, you will just make it worse for yourself'.

Direct from the mouth of an abuser. Sounds like a line he learnt from your abusive partner. I think he needs a wake up call. Sending him to his dad would be a good idea. Regardless of parenting strategies, you shouldn’t have to continue living in an abusive relationship. If this were your partner, the unanimous consensus would be to LTB/throw him out.

You do need to sit back and take some responsibility, i don't care what you say a 16 year old is still a child!!

@WeMarchOn, so what is your constructive advice for the OP?

Whether or not you put him out, you certainly need to put your foot down.

Talk to him about his responsibilities and then stop doing those things for him, no matter what. If he damages the house, take it out of any money he gets from you to fix it. If he threatens, call the police. He cant get used to getting away with this shit or he will end up an abusive and incarcerated adult.
I'd be a little hesitant in your position to put him out if it means that he'd stop his education, even if that would be his dad's fault.

Still, my mother put me out at 17 to live with relatives (though for completely different reasons), and as an adult I completely agree it was the best thing for both of us at the time. So I know it's not easy.

We all know a 16 year old is a child, but they are not biddable like an 8 year old; they have the physiques of grown men! My 15 year old definitely thinks he is an adult (despite the fact that he is definitely not!). The challenge is that he is not mature enough to be logical, it is his lizard brain which continually reacts.

@Fleetheart she needs to seek help together with him to understand why he is behaving like he is, kids don't behave like that for no reason.
It's bloody hard being a parent but sending him to his Dad could be detrimental to his MH.
Maybe I'm naive but as a Mum of 2 ASD daughters no matter what the behaviour they are still our children.
I hope you get it sorted together

Has he picked up abusive behaviour from your ex? Not an excuse at all, just wondering.

Have you discussed going to his father with him and has his father provisionally agreed? I don't think it is a bad idea as long as you explain calmly, over a period of time, that it is due to his treatment of you. The way he speaks is probably the way your abusive ex behaved. I think he has normalised it. It may be better in the long run for him to move as it is a lesson in how others should be treated. My father was a bully and so too are my brothers. They have relationship problems as a result of their behaviour but they always blame the women just as my father blames my mother. You have to try nip this in the bud for his own benefit. If he can't move, extensive counselling may work. Good luck OP. It can't be easy being disrespected in your own home.

It’s difficult,
There is little help out there. With my DS we have sought help from CAMHs, targeted youth support, school, GP. Not much there. I am paying for a private psychotherapist at great expense as no NHS provision. He has some strange entitled views. I honestly think some time with an alpha male is what is needed, and possibly that is true for OP’s DS too. There is a lot of role modelling that boys need, and they lack that in single mother households.

@WeMarchOn, I understand what you’re saying, but there comes a time that you realise that these teens need to start taking on some responsibility themselves. After all they want all the benefits of getting older.

It does sound like he’s traumatised and taking it out on you because you are there.

But he still needs to take responsibility for his abusive behaviour.

Talk through these options and issues with him on a good day and come to come mutual agreement about the best way forward for both of you.

As for his meals, why wouldn't you cook for him when he's wanting a meal? It's your job

I could not disagree more with this point of view. Family living together have responsibilities to each other. If he were walking the dogs and dealing with the firewood, then fair enough for OP to do the cooking.

It doesn't sound as if he is pulling his weight at all as part of the household: that needs to be sorted. It's especially difficult when the team age years coincide with relationship break up and the loss of other family members.

Perhaps a 'family meeting' in which he is offered options including picking the chores for which he will be responsible from now on. Or alternatively, going to live with his father. If he doesn't fancy responsibility, perhaps a stint with his father might be helpful to wake him up to the real world.

Then I RTFT including the terrifying That's not how it works mum, you will just make it worse for yourself'.

Hope you find the help you so urgently need and deserve.

16 year old are not more mature because they live in Scotland!
It’s not great that you are leaving him on his own all day. His behaviour is bad but yours isn’t supportive either.

mum you should be cooking 3 hot meals a day for me
Well not breakfast , but yes you should be cooking hot meals for your child.

He sounds like he's witnessed your ex's abusive behaviour and is mirroring it. It must be hard for you, but please remember you aren't the only one who's been abused here, he's had to live with it whilst still a child himself. No wonder he's a mess.

If you throw him out now you're teaching him that when the going gets tough you just abandon the people you love. Not only has he been subjected to abuse, now you're doubly punishing him for something that he learned from your relationship.

Perhaps he could spend a bit more time with his Dad so you get a break, but you guys need to parent together to ensure you deal with this now.

Based on your OP and updates, he needs to go live with his dad. He is of an age where you need not tolerate his bullshit and his dad needs to step up and take on the role of resident parent.

I don't agree you should be cooking three hot meals a day for him--he is old enough to do this himself, as well as his own laundry, and getting himself up for college.

Treating you like his skivvy and his intimidation of you is concerning.

He's still a child. Maybe cook a meal with him?

Well not breakfast , but yes you should be cooking hot meals for your child

You are suggesting that the OP, who works full time and is a single parent, should be cooking for a near 17 year old (so absolutely NOT a child), one who puts holes in walls and is abusing the OP like her ex did. That's your take is it?

Good God nearly 17 is not a child. What planet are some of you on!

@Tensixtysix, have you ever tried to get a recalcitrant teen to cook a meal with you when they think you should be doing it??

I had a difficult daughter when she was this age. Took a lot of sitting down and creating boundaries as she tried to assert herself into the adult that she clearly wasn't. I also had to remind her several times that as she was 17, in the eyes of the law, I was not obliged to keep her ( Scotland), and that if she wanted to be treated more adult like, then she had to act like one. Took many conversations and, yes I told her to leave at one point when I wasn't prepared to put up with her rudeness. ( She had somewhere to go,and she only left for a night).Teens can be lovely, but can also be little toads.
She is 21,still here, and is a lovely person. Not perfect, but we talk about those days and she cringes about how bad she was, and of course I have told her it was a learning experience for both of us.
Would his father help as in talking to him so that you present a United Front?

Or have you tried Parentline ( Scotland), open throughout the Festive Season , they help with teenagers.

www.children1st.org.uk/help-for-families/parentline-scotland/

When he is out, pack his bags and change the locks. He is legally an adult and needs to realise it!

So you exposed your child to years of abuse and trauma and now you want to wash your hands of the consequences?

You did this to him. Take responsibility.