To put nearly 17 year old son out

[whostoletheeyeoutyourteddybear]

My almost 17 year old son has been attending school and college which is great. And walks the dogs (when forced). However, he behaves utterly entitled, expects everything from me and everything done for him. If I don't cook all his food he will starve all day then cook late at night and leave all the mess for me in the morning. I bought our current property (victorian building) in July to get away from ex partner who was a tad abusive. However, my son has seen us living just the 2 of us as a way to walk all over me. He punched a hole in an internal wall last week because I wouldn't reinstate his gym membership as he had been pretty crap of late. There are cracks all over the internal wall of his bedroom that have appeared in the last couple of months with him slamming doors and stamping his feet. He has had the world off me. It's mainly only ever been the 2 of us. He's been round the world with me. I'm so fair with him but he treats me like a slave and talks to me like shit. Strangely, he has a couple of days here and there where he is the lovely son again. Well, I've told his dad I'm not taking it and he can pack his bags and move in with him (not my abusive ex) if he doesn't stop this attitude. He will soon realise as he won't be able to attend his school or college abd wouldn't see his friends, as his dad lives quite far. AiBU or is his behavior just not acceptable?

@halocompanach how many times! He won't get school or college or friends from his dad because his dad simply won't take him. Secondly, we are in Scotland and he doesn't have to attend school past 4th year. He is now in 5th year and I encouraged him to stay on at school and do his college course which is in conjunction with his schooling. Maybe you should listen!! @FruitcakeOfHate thank you! You have actually read my post and understood what I was trying to say 😊

How much time does he currently spend at his Dad’s? Could you look at doing 50/50 rather than essentially throwing him out? It sounds like you’ve both been through a trauma, and I’d be wary of doing anything irreversible. That’s not to say he can continue treating you this way.

@ColdTatty lucky if he goes to his dad's one weekend out of every month as he says he finds it boring and his dad doesnt really spend much time with him and he can't his friends. His dad would never go 50/50 and neither would my son (as an adult at 16 in Scotland he can't be made to either). I'd be happy for 50/50 as it would help repair the relationship I have with my son and tbh that's what's most important.

He’s a seventeen year old child. You are his parent. Of course you don’t put him out to survive. You love, support, cherish and forgive them. That period between child and adulthood is enormously challenging and still a parental responsibility to guide them through with loving, compassionate, structured boundaries and goals.
You chose to have a child and have an ongoing responsibility to them until they have integrated fully into the adult world. That means after college nd university, when they are settled into a job and beyond.
Anything else is abdication and neglect.

I have listened, you have said you are prepared to send him to live with his father knowing full well that it means he won't get to school/college rather than addressing the issues that he has.

You should not put your son in a position where he is forced to give up his education.

Halo the op would not be putting him in a situation where he had to give up education though! He would just be responsible for getting himself up and to college - just as thousands of teenagers have to do everyday!

Really Halo!! No, it is his choice if he wants to continue to behave like areshole as he knows what the consequences are!!

I’m in Scotland as well, so I do know things are different here. I just don’t get why you think his dad would take him full time if he wouldn’t do 50/50 even? And I’m aware what the options are in terms of housing for homeless teens, and it’s not a route I’d want to go down without exploring every other option. Could he be depressed? Is it worth trying to see a GP? Could he access more support through the domestic violence organisation? Family counselling?

And in Scotland, she cannot force him to do FA. He could walk out the door and that would be that.

You can't force them to see GPs or engage with counselling or FA.

whostoletheeyeoutyourteddybear go with your instinct. Trust me.

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer I wouldn't put him in a situation where he would be homeless. When I say 'put him out' then I only mean to his dad's. His dad would have him full time but not 50/50as that would mean arrangements and he doesn't do well with arrangements. P. S. I guessed you were Scottish with your username 😂😁

Fruitcake I’m in Scotland with a 17 year old. I know what the limitations are. I still support him, because that’s what you do as a parent. Op has clearly had a hard time of it, and maybe the son going to live with his father is the answer. I’m just saying, personally, I’d explore other options first.

Sorry op.. x-posted.
I really do hope you get something sorted.

He spent 3 years (14-17, an already difficult age) watching his mother in a relationship that was abusive enough to require Women’s Aid for you and counselling for him.

He’s got a father who doesn’t seem to give much of a shit.

He’s experienced family deaths recently.

He’s really had a shit time of it.

I wouldn’t be “putting him out” - but I would be putting boundaries and consequences in place. If he doesn’t clear up, don’t you do it. For the short term, let it pile up until there are no plates and utensils (keep some in your room) and let him figure out what to do. Presumably as he doesn’t work, you’re giving him pocket money? No cleaning up, no money. No holiday either.

There are so many steps you can take before just giving him to his dad.

He is literally crying out for help. He needs emotional support, not to be palmed off.

When was the last time your son made you a cup of tea? Cooked for you? Did the laundry?

Since when was it ever ok to tolerate rudeness? Why would you reward this behaviour by continuing doing things for him?

As parents out job is to prepare our children for successful, responsible independent living equipped with social skills ( being kind and helpful) and and life skills ( knowing how to wash clothes, cook, clean etc) so that they become decent, lovely partners and dads one day. Not provide a hotel like experience for them.

If you haven't taught your son these basic skills, and instead have rewarded misogynistic, lazy and disrespectful behaviour by giving him everything and not expecting respect and kindness in return then what did/ do you expect?

You introduced an adult male role model to your son's home who was abusive, what is that going to teach him?!

Honestly, women can't give, give , give and their sons take, take, take. Healthy relationships are always give and take.

So many women do everything for their sons and expect nothing in return, creating spoilt, selfish, entitled, misogynist and aggressive abusers for the next generation.

You reap what you sow and now you want to palm him off as damaged goods.

Stop pandering to him and make sure he knows the basic skills outlined above, to make a success out of independent living before you kick him out.

Why did you allow an abusive adult male into your son's life? Did you not think about the impact it would have on his life?

From the moment you tolerated rude or abusive behaviour from a man was the moment you conditioned your son to believe this is normal male behaviour.

@Prettyvase I am gobsmacked!! You are laying the blame on me for my abusive ex!! No wonder more people don't come forward. Why did I let him into my son's life? Because I did not know he was abusive then did I!! As for lifeskills, my son has them, I have taught them but he refuses to use them.

@Prettyvase Furthermore, I went through hell and high water to get myself and my son away from my ex and also endured several court cases. Don't sit there on your high horse outlining how I was wrong for that to happen. Unless you have been there then you have no idea!!

Tragic isn't it? Especially for us who have daughters.

I am only going by what you have written op. Most of us would be gobsmacked you would continue to slave away for a son who treated you so badly!

Why are your boundaries in acceptable behaviour so low?

For your son how he treats you is "normal" given by the conditions you have provided for him in his childhood.

The best thing you can do is have zero tolerance of rude or abusive behaviour but I can see how difficult that would be for you.

Many young men who have witnessed abusive behaviour growing up become abusers themselves which is why domestic abuse is getting the recognition it needs for the damage it does.

You need to be safe and it sounds as if you are at the end of your limit.

Prettyvase I am not sure your posts are constructive to be fair.

@Prettyvase please list your qualifications and work experience to allow you to make such a judgement.

whostoletheeyeoutyourteddybear, I was a child that grew up in an abusive envoirnment, my father would kick the shit out of my mother, throw ladders through windows ect spend long periods in pychy wards ect, I would never ever dream of behaving the way your son does, please go with your own instincts as I said before.

I think you would benefit from going on the teenagers thread on mumsnet OP