To put nearly 17 year old son out

[whostoletheeyeoutyourteddybear]

My almost 17 year old son has been attending school and college which is great. And walks the dogs (when forced). However, he behaves utterly entitled, expects everything from me and everything done for him. If I don't cook all his food he will starve all day then cook late at night and leave all the mess for me in the morning. I bought our current property (victorian building) in July to get away from ex partner who was a tad abusive. However, my son has seen us living just the 2 of us as a way to walk all over me. He punched a hole in an internal wall last week because I wouldn't reinstate his gym membership as he had been pretty crap of late. There are cracks all over the internal wall of his bedroom that have appeared in the last couple of months with him slamming doors and stamping his feet. He has had the world off me. It's mainly only ever been the 2 of us. He's been round the world with me. I'm so fair with him but he treats me like a slave and talks to me like shit. Strangely, he has a couple of days here and there where he is the lovely son again. Well, I've told his dad I'm not taking it and he can pack his bags and move in with him (not my abusive ex) if he doesn't stop this attitude. He will soon realise as he won't be able to attend his school or college abd wouldn't see his friends, as his dad lives quite far. AiBU or is his behavior just not acceptable?

If you don't mind me saying OP you sound a wee bit confrontational in your responses here. Is this how you are with your son? Maybe try a different approach - no chores = no pocket money, no respect = no trip to USA etc. Just try telling him all this in a calm matter-of-fact sort of way, and "oh by the way if this isn't adhered to you'll be going to live with your dad". Then leave it with him, and if he hasnt pulled his socks up by say Easter, send him to his dad.

Do all this in a non shouty, calm sort of way; treat him as an adult and tell him that you're trusting him to behave as the adult that Scottish law says he is.

I get that you're frustrated and at the end of your tether, this is just a suggestion of another way to deal with him. I have a DS myself, slightly older, and I found that treating him as an adult even when he wasn't acting like one, paid better dividends. Catch more flies with honey and all that

Hmmmwhatsthat It could possibley be that she is at the end of her tether, sometimes it can be hard to go through exactly how much shit you have been though if that makes sense? and sometimes it may come across that way even though you dont mean to be? perhaps?

I found out that your kids need you more as they get older not less. You've got a full time job, work on your masters in the evening. He needs you, he's struggling to show you and you're calling him an arsehole. He's not emotionally mature enough to handle himself yet and he's spent 3 years watching an abusive relationship. If you let him live with your Dad will he get the attention he needs?

Presumably he's learnt from the example of your abusive ex.

HappySonHappyMum people like you make me laugh, when you have walked in the ops footsteps.......

I think he needs to know he is taking the piss i would let him do everthing leave his mess leave his washing get him to buy his own food shop make him responsible for his self . If this doesn't work then he can get a room somewhere in a shared house . You have a right to be respected what ever his issues are.

I think you are right to send him to his father's house. He needs a firm hand and he needs to treat you with respect. You need to take care of yourself and your MH. You sound beyond stressed and that is very understandable. Let his father step up and parent.

Your son has had bereavement, has had his world turned upside down... he's 16. It's a tough time.

Can you get help? As in counselling , parenting classes...?

You could really mess him up by chucking him out at this age.

So a dad that has little time for him.
A mother that also has little time for him and thinks that he is an arsehole.
Some moves (not sure how many)
A bereavement
A parents abusive ex partner.
He is attending school and college? So on a vocational course? in his last year in full time education?

Thrown in the mix is all the trips and throwing money at the problem.

Unless you start finding out what the issue is now with this cry for help your DS sounds like a prime candidate for stately homes.

Honestly, that sounds really complicated and difficult, and I don't think you can get reliable advice from strangers on the internet.

OP, that all sounds really hard. Maybe it's been made worse by being together at home over the festive period?

Is your son doing a vocational course or one that will lead to uni? If he's going to uni he'll be off in a year or so anyway. If it's vocational, he could be earning enough money at 18 to leave home. Either way it would be preferable to let him stay at home with you, until his course ends, especially as he seems to have had quite a lot of turbulence in his life over the past few years.

In the meantime I think you need to sit down with him, when he's having one of his rare "nice" days, and explain the reasons why he needs to show more respect and consideration. Set some ground rules and explain that being his mother does not mean being his slave.

Is there any way you could defer doing your Masters? Is it essential for your career right now? The next 18 months might be easier for both of you if you can defer your studies until your son finishes his college course and goes into work or off to uni.

Also, in Scotland... Not England.. 16 is a legal adult. So by God he should know how to make a meal for himself now and then.!

He may legally have reached the age of capacity but he’s developmentally not an adult. If he went to live with his dad you (and his dad) still have a legal duty to support him financially while he is in education or training, I’d also argue there’s a moral duty to support him into adulthood whether that’s with him living with you or not.

This situation didn’t occur overnight, he didn’t wake up one morning and decide to be difficult, how would you normally set boundaries and discipline your son? How much of the abuse did he see in your relationship? You both had significant trauma and need time, help and support to recover, and he may need to live somewhere else for him to be able to heal. Not as a punishment for his behaviour but because you both can’t heal in the same house.

You sound incredibly angry - how much is anger at your son and how much is anger at the abusive ex, or how much is determination not to let it happen again is anyone’s guess, but it would be better for your son not to be living in such an angry environment. You keep saying he’s an adult - treat him like one then, talk to him about your expectations of him in terms of keeping the house tidy, or making meals etc and don’t keep picking up the slack - if you want him to behave like an adult then treat him like one and run the house as a team, stop paying for expensive holidays etc and let him earn his way (or not). Set clear boundaries and negotiate with him as you would any other adult.

Or you could remember he’s still growing and has had a traumatic few years, he’s watched you being abused and has lived with you being prepared to accept that and live with it for a period of time. His recent male role model has been abusive. You don’t stop needing your parents because you turn 16, you don’t stop needing to be parented at 16 but the form that takes changes.

You went from being you two together to introducing someone else into the home, which is tricky enough for teenagers, and that person then abused his mum, and he had to live in a home where his mum was abused and was powerless to stop it happening. It’s reasonable to think he might be angry and frustrated and may have lost respect for you - you can work with him to earn that respect back, to help him with his anger. Do you know how he feels about your abusive relationship? How he makes sense of that and how it came about? Have you talked to him about what it was like for you and heard what it was like for him? I wonder how much he might blame himself for not being able to protect you, for example.

His behaviour isn’t ok, but neither is yours and the only person you can control is you.

Counselling can help but what he really needs is safety and stability in his life. If you can’t give him that, let him stay with someone who can. If you know his dad can’t or won’t, and you can’t or won’t then who knows what’ll happen to him, legally an adult or not.

Some of this is fairly normal behaviour for teenage boys I think - slamming doors, stamping feet, etc. I've seen it from mine. I do think they grow out of it though and will realise eventually what you have done for them. I can't give the OP answers right now though other than to ride through it, keep talking to her son and asking him to do the odd chore. Maybe ask him to cook you both dinner just once a week? There have been many times when I've felt like I want mine to go and live with their father but I'd actually hate it if they did.

I'm also in Scotland so know about school leaving age and legal differences from England but I do still think YABU to throw him out, especially if it disrupts his education. School leaving age might be 16 but a 16 year old with no qualifications is going to have a really rough time making their way in the world.

A lot of teenagers are stroppy, messy and lazy, putting boundaries in place and having clear expectations of him is reasonable. Not paying for a trip to the USA is reasonable.

How much time does he currently spend with his dad?

Try & have a look to see if you have a youth mental health drop in in your area, my ds is 15 & I have had problems with his behaviour for the last 3 years. He actually moved out by stealth & went to live with his dad for 18 months until his dad kicked him out, we had recently suffered the death of my dear dad & he is living with my mum who is struggling being on her own, he loves staying with her, his attendance at school has improved, he is working hard in all his subjects & while I miss him dreadfully at home I know that for the moment it is the best place for him. He goes to the mental health drop in every week & has had a block of sessions with a worker, who has referred him to the next level for more sessions with someone higher qualified to help him, his attitude & behaviour is improving every day & it is a pleasure to be around him again. I am staying with them over Christmas & he has actually asked me if I would stay a bit longer, we are rebuilding our relationship slowly & I no longer dread the time he decides to move back home to live with me.

That seems incredibly tough. I don’t have experience of this at all. But here’s my thoughts in case they are of use.

Could you send your ds to his dads house for the rest of the holidays and regroup. You will have a week and two weekends perhaps to have some you time. I think the way you are both feeling right won’t necessarily get the conclusion you both want. Therefore I’d try to avoid talking right now.

Would it work to pitch it to your Ds along the lines of: you love him. This isn’t working. It would be good to spend a little time apart and for the two you to talk before he goes back to school. Ask him to think about what he can do differently and what he’d like you to do differently and you will do the same. Then come up with a plan together.

Hopefully a bit of space and boredom will give him some time to consider his behaviour. Perhaps at the same time you will also be able to work on the things you are doing to facilitate his behaviour and get some healthier boundaries.

I am guessing you have tried negotiating with him to improve the situation. When they refuse to meet minimum standards of courtesy and cooperation it is time to cut them loose.
Two things.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
and
send him to his dads.

yanbu that his behaviour is totally unacceptable but kicking him out of home is totally the wrong response.

he is your son. his emotional development is your job and teaching him how to live with another person with respect and consideration is part of that. if you send him away to his dad now then this is also how he will behave when he is in a relationship with a woman and bravo there is yet another abusive dickhead making the life of some other woman utterly miserable.

he has had a broken and dysfunctional model of masculinity showcased to him daily for years and thinks that is normal. that has damaged him badly. you need to help him change as a matter of urgency. this is more important even than school work and qualifications which can be picked up a couple of years later than normal with no consequences.

currently he does not understand that you are (and quite possibly by extension sites not understand that any woman is) a genuine valid human being with as many rights as he has and no obligation to be servant to anyone. he needs to learn this urgently and will not do so at his dad's.

YABVVVU

He is your child who was exposed to domestic abuse and is in counselling.
He is treating you how he saw your ex treat you.

Kicking out a 16 year old is very unfair, but he might in his best interests to move in with his dad.

He needs support and compassion which you are struggling to provide.

Oof. It's time he started respecting you. Give him an ultimatum. He either grows up or he's gone.

In yiur situation I would treat him like the adult he is supposed to be. I wouldn’t be getting him up for college, don’t do his laundry or cooking his dinner. I would probably put up with the mess in the kitchen, but make it clear that if no effort from him to be a responsible and respectful adult who is co-sharing with his mum, you won’t be funding any trips in the summer.

I’d be disappointed he hasn’t been looking for a part-time job, how does he pay for a social life? I wouldn’t be giving him pocket money. I’d probably still buy him the cheapest sim only phone contract and supermarket clothes as when required but that would be it.

At that age if I needed a lift anywhere other than school or work I had to pay my dad a £1.

Anyway if he doesn’t like it tell him he can go live with his dad or anywhere else for that matter (if he completes an education, and gets a job/money means he can pay rent).

Is he going to treat any girlfriends in his life like you? He needs to learn how to live without you doing everything for him, and getting his own way by stomping and shouting until you give in.

He sounds a bit entitled.

By all means warn his dad what you are doing, will he be supportive do you think? Dad has it right though, I wouldn’t want to give a layabout teen a lift to college every morning and risk my job too. why is he at college so far from where he lives he can’t make his own way by public transport?

I agree with giving him an ultimatum. 'You do not talk to me like that or damage this property anymore. You need to think long and hard about the person you are becoming. Because it stinks. You remind me of my ex at times and I'm not having a son who grows up to be a bully. So sort your shit out or you'll be out on your arse'.

Tbh, time with his father might be for the best (assuming he is a pleasant enough sort).

I'm with you all the way on this, OP.

MN never fails to amaze with its insistence that offspring are, effectively, only babies until they're at least 32.

At 16yo OP's son is well overdue a harsh lesson in how to respect his resident parent, who's doing her level best to provide for them.

I have absolutely no idea how some of you can see a hardworking, striving parent as being at fault here. Working all the hours under the sun and studying to better herself is something this young man should be taking as a life lesson.

And I'm absolutely horrified that he thinks punching a hole in a wall is in any way an acceptable way to express his annoyance at something as minor as not getting his own way.

He needs a wake up call, and quickly.

I have absolutely no idea how some of you can see a hardworking, striving parent as being at fault here. Working all the hours under the sun and studying to better herself is something this young man should be taking as a life lesson.

It’s not about fault, it’s about recognising that at 16 he still has a lot of growing to do - he’s not fully developed by that age regardless of how the law describes him (I also live in Scotland, so I get the legalities here). As the fully developed, experienced adult - and as his parent - the OP has had some involvement or contribution to him reaching this place. He didn’t wake up spoiled and entitled overnight.

If you want to talk life lessons, yes studying and working hard for your future is a life lesson to be learned from her example to him. But by the OPs admission there are some other much less positive life lessons there too - she needs to recognise the impact seeing her in an abusive relationship will have had on him as much as she does him watching her go out to work, study etc.

jellycatspyjamas Post is very balanced and spot on. He is a child who’s a bit untidy and rude. You need to look to your parenting not blame the lad for reacting to his environment. That is not to excuse rudeness and anger but to understand and contextualise it.
A younger child would be put on a naughty step for four minutes and the next you’d be kind again. You seem to be perpetuating the unkindness.
You don’t get a teenager to be positive and respectful through ever increasing sanctions and name calling. Catch him being lovely. Heap on the praise. Do things with him. Build a mutually respectful relationship. It sat the moment like you blame him alone when any relationship takes two.