I feel a failure as I can't give my kids extended family. Just spent another Christmas just us. .

[ssd]

I know it's not my fault. And I keep off social media because of it. But I've seen loads of it on mn today and yesterday. Big days with extended families, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. I know it's not all happy families. I seen the unhappy threads. Of course I don't want that either.
But I'd love to have family that wants to see us on Xmas day. It's not much to ask. It's a normal thing, isn't it?
Am dreading going back to work, everyone asks how was the big day, I say quiet, and feel like a leper.
My parents are dead. So is dhs. My siblings are estranged and live 100s miles away. They are indifferent to us. They ignored both ds's 18th and 21st this year. I've gave up contact, getting ignored hurt too much. They haven't noticed. Dh siblings both live through their partners parents and their siblings in law. We asked to see dhs sibling on Xmas day, we were told 'we're busy'.
It's just how it's turned out, just circumstances, no one's fault.
But I'd love my ds's to have more family than us. They are great boys. My dad would have loved them but he died when Ds1 was a baby.
Life is just unfair. I looked after my mum and didn't benefit from having younger fitter parents like my siblings did. Now my parents are gone and honestly my siblings just don't need me or my family. Maybe that's the curse of me being a late baby. I don't know.
I have friends, but no family out there. I've felt alone these last few days. I know it's daft, I have dh and dcs I love. But no blood family interested in us. It's lonely.

Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel OP. I’ve just lost my Mum. My Dad died years ago. DH’s family live either too far away or aren’t interested in us. I’ve no siblings and my cousins are either miles away or NC. So it’s now just me, DH and DD ... and I feel so bad for DD to not have a big family around her. I hate it.

I know it’s nobody’s fault and I can’t change it. But I’m going to make the effort to visit the nice family members that live far away more often. And I hope DD goes on to build a village of her own with friends too eventually, as she’s ace and deserves it. But for now I’m like you. I feel alone and guilty somehow too.

It is lonely but at least you have a husband there with you .
For me Christmas was just me and my kids . We don’t have any family at all.
There’s always someone in a worse position than yourself so be grateful for what you do have .

I'm the same. DP parents both dead and he has one sibling who lives abroad and never bothers to so much as send a card. I have parents and a brother but they never want to meet at Xmas, Easter or any other holiday, they do their own thing and aren't bothered. They gave friends in Tenarife and often go out there for a month in Winter. It's crap when everyone else seem surrounded by family. My DC now old enough to ask why we don't have any family round and I don't know what to say to them

All through my DCs childhoods it was just me and them at Christmas and I remember feeling just as you do. It sucked! However, once I'd accepted that there isn't a 'right way' to do Christmas and there aren't a perfect number of people to have around, I started to appreciate our way of doing things. We organised the day how we liked, developed our own, very low-key, traditions and relaxed into the whole thing. I can look back at those years with a real sense of satisfaction that we created our own bit of Christmas magic and I'm sure you can do the same!
Disclaimer: don't want to sound too smug as we did have a bit of teenage sulking and moments of 'oh crap, I forgot to buy any batteries so nothing will work' but it's all part of Christmas!

Yes I feel so guilty. I didn't bargain for this when I had kids. I'm glad you have some nice family even if far away. The one person I had nice has dementia.
I feel like shit.

Same here. Just the 4 of us again this year.

We do have family, but have never ever been invited to spend Christmas with DHs family. They go to his sister’s - every year!

We used to spend Christmas with my family but my mam now in a care home and my sister seems to have turned on me because of this! My other sister lives in Australia.

I know how you feel. I felt quite jealous when I saw posts on FB about spending the day with family.

When I was little it was just my parents, brother and I, no extended family (well there were plenty but none that we were close enough with to see at Christmas etc.)

I honestly was never bothered by it, I absolutley loved Christmas growing up even though it was 'just' us.

My kids see both sets of grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins now but tbh I think it has a shelf life as there is a lot of simmering tension. I know I wouldn't see my brother if we weren't both at my parents house for instance.

It is what you make it.

Extended family often visit across the full Christmas period. Can you see the siblings around 26th to 30th? Or 20th to 24th? That's a very common arrangement.

Regardless, you have you and you DH and 2 sons. Your sons are older and will probably have families of their own (where you will be the gps) in 5 to 10 years time. Keep looking forward and moving forward.

I was a late baby.next sibling up hated me from day one.lost m when was 17,dad 3yrs ago but we were estranged as my sister "claimed him" so it's always just been me by myself and DC.im concentrating on building a strong family unit that when they have DC will bring us all together and we will grow into a bigger place that way
Xmas is quiet for us,but I'm with those I love.many families have fall outs and wierd loyalties to certain members and not others so in scheme of things I prefer my quiet Christmas with people I enjoy being around
And if also like to add sometimes family ties aren't as strong as good friendships
It's hard feeling lonely at Xmas as it's deemed a family orientated time

It sounds like you have a lovely family as it is. Many people don’t have much extended family - whether it’s due to bereavement or even just living in another country.

And there will be so many out there who wojld love you have your set up - people without a family (or possibly friends) of their own.

My friend is single and all she wants is a DH and DC.

So hopefully you can feel more positive about what you do have

Please do not feel guilty. My ds has only me and my dp, gps and his dad all dead, we are happy, I spend more time than I would like to playing board games but he loves it! We go abroad for New Year, maybe that's unrealistic for many but doing something such as a cinema trip is fun and a nice tradition. Please concentrate on the positives and don't blame yourself

My kids are older. We've done the traditions. I've kept them busy. But social media is full of their pals with extended family. And they have girlfriends with extended family. It's everywhere.
Last Xmas I dealt with it better. This year I'm so low, I don't know why. Maybe cos siblings are all on holiday together having a wonderful time. My invite must have got lost in the post.

It won't always be like this

Your kids will hopefully have in laws and you'll hopefully get on with them and mahbe all have Christmas together especially if grand children are involved

DH's parents are dead, he's not close to his sister. My immediate family are 100 miles away and we'll see them at new year, though we shared photos and emails, yesterday. Quiet Christmas suits us all pretty well, anyhow. Boys both autistic and it means that we can do as little or as much Christmas as they want with no perceived pressure from anyone else.

My family growing up was mainly just my mum, dad and brother. I never felt I was missing out on anything and I still don't - in fact, I am really grateful for these three people I know I can rely on and would rather not have a big extended family where most of the time everyone is bitching between themselves anyway.

I do have grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins etc but never really see them and don't miss what I never had. I count myself as unbelievably lucky with regards to family. As long as you can provide a close, tight and trustworthy family unit your children won't mind how small it is.

I grew up with very little extended family. I don't think it bothered me too much, though I was alone a lot. But that was before social media. Before it was in your face. Well in my kids faces. It's different now.

Aw bless you. We are the same. DH and I are both only children. My parents are Jehovah’s witnesses and the last time my mother was in my house in December about 18 years ago she burst into tears at our Xmas tree. My mother in law is too interested in her boyfriend to give a shit about seeing us at Xmas or on my oldest dds birthday on 27th. So it’s just us. All our grandparents dead.

I dream of the bit extended Italian fsmily Christmas but I’m so used to the quiet now I know I would struggle with that if I’m honest with myself.

It’s not what I wanted but I’m just glad I’ve got a husband I love and who loves me abd two prettt nice kids and maybe in the future there will be partners, inlaws, who knows for them.

Same position here, Every year at Christmas it is just me, DH, DS and DD. We have no other family other than ourselves and I find it really hard when the whole Christmas thing is about family and we don't have any!

I'm fortunate to have a few good, close friends, but they all have their own family; siblings, SILs, BILs, parents that are alive, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, none of which I or DH have.

So we don't see them over Christmas, as they are busy with their families. I wouldn't feel right asking them over at Christmas, as I do feel a bit embarrassed and billy-no-mates; similarly, in the past we have popped round to visit friends at Christmas, but DH and I are both reserved and I feel a bit like the "spectre at the feast" of someone else's family Christmas with a load of their relatives that we don't know.

I do feel sorry for my children, it's not very exciting for then. Although I do work really hard every Christmas to try to make it special for them. Christmas Eve we make homemade mince pies and then always go out for the evening, usually to the cinema to see a Christmassy film, on , Christmas Day, we go to church in the morning, Boxing Day we always have a day out somewhere that is open or a long walk!
Don't get me wrong, it is lovely in it's own way but ..... I miss the family that I have never had...
TBH I also find it hard the rest of the year with no family support.

And don't get me started on social media with all those people moaning about cooking Christmas dinner for 20. I find it best to stay off social media for the duration of the Christmas period.

I have one sister who lives abroad. Dh is an only child with parents who live abroad. My mum usually joins us for Christmas but this year is visiting my sister. So it's just the 4 of us.

It really doesn't bother me. Some years we have a friend of mine who is single and her dad join us for Christmas but not always. I've never felt a need to apologise for having very little family at Christmas.

Agree with so much here. Thanks for replies. I love dh and the ds's. The emptiness just makes me o sad. And my kids are great company too. There's just no company for us.

The difference is, we have no extended family all year round, not just Xmas. And I think this Yr with my siblings ignoring my kids significant birthdays makes it worse somehow. Its like a nail in the coffin. Though we've been ignored for years.

I know it bothers you OP, and that’s what matters, so I absolutely don’t want to minimise your feelings but I will say this - when I was wee I could not be bothered with all the extended family visiting over the Christmas period. I just craved time with my mum, dad and sister. I bet your boys have nothing but happy memories.

We are waining at the mo. Used to have Xmas with in laws and there are plenty of them. They died and the kids all grew up. My GPS are long gone as is my Dad. Brother abroad and a sister who avoids seeing us.
However, I have 3 dds who range from 12 to 24.So I figure it's waiting for the next generation to fill in from the bottom.

I think its important to work with what you have. You can't change your circumstances so think of ways to make it a happy time. Create your own traditions, invite the neighbours over for wine and nibbles, go to see a show, go away and visit friends in another town. I have my extended family but am separated from my kids dad so spend long periods of time on my own over the holidays while they are off with him and his family. I embrace it and either work or have my own boxing day watching films and meeting friends.

It is just me and my children at Christmas and my DP this year and last. I have never thought it was strange not seeing extended family and my DC have always enjoyed Christmas. To be honest when I read the exhausting posts about cooking for 15 and all the hosting I feel so lucky that our Christmases are just us and nice and relaxing. I love being able to focus on my DC. Lots of people have Christmas with just their immediate family and there is nothing wrong with it - you aren't missing out and probably have lots of people envying you.