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AIBU?

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Original poster

I feel a failure as I can't give my kids extended family. Just spent another Christmas just us. .

117 replies

ssd · 26/12/2019 19:37

I know it's not my fault. And I keep off social media because of it. But I've seen loads of it on mn today and yesterday. Big days with extended families, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. I know it's not all happy families. I seen the unhappy threads. Of course I don't want that either.
But I'd love to have family that wants to see us on Xmas day. It's not much to ask. It's a normal thing, isn't it?
Am dreading going back to work, everyone asks how was the big day, I say quiet, and feel like a leper.
My parents are dead. So is dhs. My siblings are estranged and live 100s miles away. They are indifferent to us. They ignored both ds's 18th and 21st this year. I've gave up contact, getting ignored hurt too much. They haven't noticed. Dh siblings both live through their partners parents and their siblings in law. We asked to see dhs sibling on Xmas day, we were told 'we're busy'.
It's just how it's turned out, just circumstances, no one's fault.
But I'd love my ds's to have more family than us. They are great boys. My dad would have loved them but he died when Ds1 was a baby.
Life is just unfair. I looked after my mum and didn't benefit from having younger fitter parents like my siblings did. Now my parents are gone and honestly my siblings just don't need me or my family. Maybe that's the curse of me being a late baby. I don't know.
I have friends, but no family out there. I've felt alone these last few days. I know it's daft, I have dh and dcs I love. But no blood family interested in us. It's lonely.

OP posts:
Karenisbaren · 26/12/2019 20:12

Op, am pretty much the same, I lost a number of relatives over the last few years, I do not speak to my father or sister and partner relatives do their own thing. I have however started going out and making new friends.

loutypips · 26/12/2019 20:14

I know how you feel. I'm an only child, grandparents are all dead apart from one who's in a care home with dementia and doesn't even know what Christmas is, let alone who we are. My mum is an only one too, dad is from a massive family but nc with them.
All my great aunties and uncles have died, the family is shrinking.
What makes it worse is that my mum is ill, and knowing that this is one of the last Christmases with her is so tough. In a few years it will be just me and my daughter and I'm dreading that.

belay · 26/12/2019 20:21

I grew up with large family gatherings at Christmas/New Year/birthdays. I'm now an introvert . Family gatherings are now a thing of the past because my brother disowned us. All other kids in the family are grown up. I do feel sad about it because I got the chance to grow up with lots of cousins . But it is how it is and you have to be positive and make the best of it

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 26/12/2019 20:23

DH and I are both only children. We have one surviving parent between us, my mum, who lives down the road (my dad and DH's parents all died before we met). So I understand that being on your own sort of feeling, and I can see why its sad to not be close to family you do have..

But I don't know why you feel a failure or guilty? Wistful maybe. Guilt is always a wasted emotion IMO and your kids, like ours, will never know any different or have the sense of loss you feel.

We rely on strong connections with our urban family of friends we met in our wild(er) youth to show an interest in our kids and we usually see each other over xmas, and reciprocate with theirs.

Ifonlyyouknew1 · 26/12/2019 20:26

My DS and I spent it Christmas in a hotel. For 7 days out of 365 when I do absolutely everything as a single parent (no contact with ex) - school runs, taxi service to clubs cook 7 meals every week and have no rest, we went on a road trip last Sunday and ended up in the Lake District.

Found a hotel that has been virtually empty and have been waited on hand and foot. Gym and pool have been empty. It has been bliss. DS10 has loved it as we run around like headless chickens every day of the year. He is happy wherever I am and we can spend quality time.

We've been swimming, walking, visiting castles. We have no family in this country.

I had a very large extended family growing up but never felt I belonged as there was a lot of drama.

Every other year we have been on holidays abroad or been invited to friend's for christmas lunch.

But having started my own business and juggling a million other balls this year I couldn't have wished for a better Christmas.

PearlandRubies194 · 26/12/2019 20:28

Just me and my daughter this year, again. Not even a card from my mum, no phone call - nothing. My dad has never been around. It’s hurtful looking at pictures on those huge dinner tables on Facebook and everyone having fun.

averythinline · 26/12/2019 20:29

dh is an only child with an alcholic mum and a dead dad,
i have a sibling i havent seen for years , my dad is dead but i hadnt seen him for years as was an alcholic - (see sibling relationship breakdown) a dm with mental health issues that cant leave the house who was an only child and an only child step dad ... and have an only child due to fertlity issues...the most i've every had at xmas dinner is six (dc a babe in arms)

Seriously dont do woe is me top trumps - there will always be someone else worse off......i dont do count your blessings shit - but i do do make the most of what you have ........would highly recommend it..

PearlandRubies194 · 26/12/2019 20:29

@Ifonlyyouknew1 I’ve been thinking about going away next Christmas, yours sounds perfect!

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 26/12/2019 20:30

It sounds to me like you are lonely. Do you have a good group of close friends? Got a gang you can go on holiday with?

Fairylea · 26/12/2019 20:30

Please don’t feel like a failure.

There’s just the 4 of us- dh and I and two dc. My parents are both dead. I’m an only child. No other relatives. Dh is no contact with his whole family. Being honest it doesn’t bother me at all because we just enjoy being together and I think for children the whole extended family thing can be just utterly exhausting.

Obligatorync · 26/12/2019 20:31

Growing úp, this was my family. I adored Christmas and have so many wonderful memories. Never felt or feel that I missed out.

TedTookVows · 26/12/2019 20:32

I am single and without DC

The window for me to have biological DC is closing.

My parents are aging. Extended family mostly in another country and mostly estranged

I have 2 siblings, one lives a long plane ride away.

The other, I have a very poor relationship with.

Last year I realised that if my life doesn't change soon I will spend most Christmasses alone after my DM is gone.

It is a scary, sobering thought

CycleWoman · 26/12/2019 20:32

I feel sad about this too. I grew up with an enormous extended family-grandparents, several aunts and uncles, tonnes of cousins, and I absolutely loved it.

But I’m an only child. I don’t live close to my extended family and my mum has sort of estranged herself from them, so when I do get to visit my home town it’s virtually impossible to have a get together as my mum refuses to engage/facilitate (or gets annoyed about it if I try).

My DH has a small family too, thankfully some siblings. But to be honest they don’t make a great deal of effort unless we visit them/organise etc.

I do find myself missing an extended family day to day but I do really feel it at Christmas. Sounds like you have a lovely family of your own though.

Waveysnail · 26/12/2019 20:33

My Christmas were just me, mum and dad. They were great. Christams morning opening presents, lovely dinner, playing some board games then watching christams tv. Christmas eve was often panto and baking. No extended family. I never felt sad or missed out.

saltysally · 26/12/2019 20:34

I get it, OP. I think Christmas makes us really reflect on things like this. Could you try to expand your social circle further, and maybe you'll find some friends who may become like family? Not every one has big family support circles.

TheReluctantCountess · 26/12/2019 20:34

Don’t feel bad. I empathise - ds is an only child. We don’t see either set of grandparents very often (varied reasons), and I don’t have contact with any of my siblings. Christmas is often just the three of us. This year was nice as we went to a friend’s house - it would have been just her and her brother otherwise, so it suited us all. Ds has very much enjoyed Christmas, and he’s been the centre of attention.

QueenoftheNowhereverse · 26/12/2019 20:35
Flowers

I’m so sorry, i know what it’s like to want a large close family to celebrate with. We’re expats, both from different countries and infertile. My family has more divorces than marriages so any holiday with them is fraught with upsetting someone. His family only want envelopes thick with cash. We don’t go home - partly because the flights are ridiculous- so celebrate with another childless expat couple, but am envious of friends who celebrate with large extended families and come bouncing into work full of stories. I often feel like I can see the pity in their eyes.

If you lived near me, I’d adopt you as my sister... most of mine are faulty!

partysong · 26/12/2019 20:38

Social media is a lie.

I grew up with my parents separated and as an only child, with no extended family. I was very happy, never lonely, never missed what I didn't have .

Your siblings don't sound very nice by the way! Sorry that they don't treat you better x

Ohyesiam · 26/12/2019 20:42

Focus on what’s working.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 26/12/2019 20:42

Sending warm wishes to everyone who is missing people at this time of year. It can be a very hard time for far more people than social media would lead you to believe.

Most people can manage to conjure up a jolly photo for facebook - they don't post the arguments, disappointments, fights, tantrums, lonely moments, boredom, etc.

ConstanceL · 26/12/2019 20:42

Growing úp, this was my family. I adored Christmas and have so many wonderful memories. Never felt or feel that I missed out.
This is exactly what I was going to say - I have the best Christmas memories just the five of us. Don't feel bad, your children won't miss what they have never had.

isitpossibleto · 26/12/2019 20:43

Yup. I never thought it would turn out like this.

MamaFlintstone · 26/12/2019 20:43

Growing up, Christmas was always just my mum and dad and my siblings, all my grandparents died when I was young and my uncles and aunts were hundreds of miles away so I never had much of a relationship with them or my cousins. I never felt I missed out at all. We had our own traditions and no one had to sit on a shit folding chair. I’ve got more family around now and it can be a bit exhausting. Next year I’m tempted to keep Christmas Day for DH, DD and I and enjoy it just being the three of us.

Voila212 · 26/12/2019 20:44

I know it's feels hard but you have to understand your children aren't missing what they never had. Once they have someone who cares and love them then they are not missing out. You are the one that is grieving the missing family not them. Enjoy what you have, enjoy your Christmas for what it is without wishing for what it should be. I'm not being mean, I've been there, I know the sadness and it changes nothing and only makes you feel miserable. Be grateful for what you do have.

dontcallmeduck · 26/12/2019 20:46

I can understand your thinking. I’m in a different situation, we have the extended family but this year chose to do it just us for the first time. The children were so much happier and they both agreed it was better and quieter and they had more quality time with us and more time to play.