I feel a failure as I can't give my kids extended family. Just spent another Christmas just us. .

[ssd]

I know it's not my fault. And I keep off social media because of it. But I've seen loads of it on mn today and yesterday. Big days with extended families, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. I know it's not all happy families. I seen the unhappy threads. Of course I don't want that either.
But I'd love to have family that wants to see us on Xmas day. It's not much to ask. It's a normal thing, isn't it?
Am dreading going back to work, everyone asks how was the big day, I say quiet, and feel like a leper.
My parents are dead. So is dhs. My siblings are estranged and live 100s miles away. They are indifferent to us. They ignored both ds's 18th and 21st this year. I've gave up contact, getting ignored hurt too much. They haven't noticed. Dh siblings both live through their partners parents and their siblings in law. We asked to see dhs sibling on Xmas day, we were told 'we're busy'.
It's just how it's turned out, just circumstances, no one's fault.
But I'd love my ds's to have more family than us. They are great boys. My dad would have loved them but he died when Ds1 was a baby.
Life is just unfair. I looked after my mum and didn't benefit from having younger fitter parents like my siblings did. Now my parents are gone and honestly my siblings just don't need me or my family. Maybe that's the curse of me being a late baby. I don't know.
I have friends, but no family out there. I've felt alone these last few days. I know it's daft, I have dh and dcs I love. But no blood family interested in us. It's lonely.

People are such opposites aren’t they. I live continents away from my entire family having made a home with a British spouse and kid and kid on way and pet. Great Skype mediated rapport with my own family where I am annonlu child anyway . Find spouses large family just too stressful and cumbersome and also significant political differences. Consequently we always by choice do Xmas just by ourselves. SUCH FUN. This year attended Xmas at mils just mil fil and us and frankly we are exhausted by it all and have decided to just do it ourselves from next year again like past decade or so. Couldn’t bear house full of relatives , despite no obvious battles or grievances or triggers. Just exhausts us.

Christmas itself is just me and my son, we see our 'extended' family of 7 the weekend before Christmas, one set of grandparents , one set of uncle/aunt/ cousin and her child and a second cousin. I actually have a fairly large family but some are abroad, the rest don't speak or have drifted off for various reasons. I live in a different part of the country from all my family. I don't feel a failure or guilty, yes sometimes I wish my son had a tribe of cousins like the kids next door, but he doesn't and he is adopted so there are many things in his life that we wish were different. But we make the best of what we have.
On Christmas eve on the spur of the moment I suggested to my other neighbour who lives alone that we have a mince pie and a cup of tea together on Christmas morning, knowing she would refuse an invitation to dinner. She insisted we go to her, when we arrived she had made a big effort with snacks and sweets and poured copious amounts of Baileys into a very large glass. I thought we might stay half an hour, we stayed two, just chatting and having a laugh - maybe we have started a new tradition, who knows?
Maybe if you put yourself out there a bit you would find people, there are schemes to befriend older people on their own, have them round for Sunday lunch etc. OK so it not 'family' but it is being part of your community.
I think the way many families are structured these days with people being more mobile and generally more insular, our sense of belonging somewhere is diminishing. We are very involved in our community, so despite just being us two, I feel we belong

We also spent Christmas just the four of us. My PIL live locally but didn’t invite us over. I feel so sad for our DC who made cards for them, bought presents, etc.

Although we are lucky to have each other, I would love us to be part of a larger extended family, free from all the rejection and drama of DH’s family. And actually I am so hurt that they missed us out that I really can’t bring myself to speak to them again.

I think your perceptions are causing your unhappiness ssd. Many, many people don't have a huge gathering at Christmas and are truly happy.

The minute you depend on other people to make your family happy you're in trouble and these other people may well find this a burden.

I know the feeling op. It’s not a nice feeling. I’ve tried to foster family relationships for the past 19 years so that my dcs have the type of Christmases and birthdays etc that I would love them to have, unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to have worked. It has affected my dcs, particularly as they got older, they noticed that we were not like their friends families. It hurts me but I’ve come to the conclusion that people are just wrapped up in their own world

Hi OP

I grew up with every Christmas being just my parents and brother. The 4 of us and that was it. Each and every single year. I have very happy memories and it was always a peaceful and special time. I'm sorry you feel like this and I understand it can feel like you are missing out on that buzz and excitement of sharing Christmas with extended family but as long as you are creating the nicest day you can and if you look like you are enjoying yourself then this will feed through to your children and that is what they will remember.

It's always just us three here. Me DH and DS. We don't mind. Some lovely family time without work butting in

I feel exactly the same OP, although I have only one DS who is 5 so have added guilt of him being an only (we can’t have more). It does suck and social media plays a big part in this, seeing extended family making time for each other but not us or DS. We’re a very happy little family but I do struggle with the guilt of having no fun relatives or family gatherings for him despite there being nothing I can do.
It’s comforting to read of others in the same boat

I've spent the day with dh family yesterday and mine today. Cant say I particularly enjoyed it. You're not missing much. I do understand where you're coming from.

DH and I both have big extended families that we usually alternate seeing at christmas. This year for health reasons it was just us at home with DS & DD.

I loved it .

No travel, no stressing about guests & whether the house is tidy, DS and DD are both happier/easier at home. We've had a stressful year so it It's not a given that the huge gathering is everyone's ideal.

I grew up with very little extended family. I don't think it bothered me too much, though I was alone a lot. But that was before social media. Before it was in your face. Well in my kids faces. It's different now

I think the issue here is you are comparing your life, to fake photos on social media.

Comparison is the thief of joy as is oft trotted out on MN, but it is so true.

If you had a nice day with people you love the most in the world, then you had a good day.

YABU.

Everyone on here is driven mad by there. Inlaws/parents and dream of just having a small family day.. You always want what you don't have.. Sounds lovely how you done it. We have parents but always do a small family Xmas. Just enjoy what you have and don't worry about what you can't have xxx

Christmas is just me and the DC since exH buggered off with OW seven years ago. My parents are both dead and my sister and I have never been particularly close.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have more family, then I remember exH family and think we are well off out of it.

I grew up having Christmas day with just parents and brother - one set of GPs died when I was v young, the other were abroad. We had aunties, uncles, cousins living locally that we saw on other days, but never Christmas Day itself.

Once married and having DC, we alternated hosting my DPs one year, ILs the other. My DPs are no longer with us, so we still host PIL every 2nd year, the other year we see them either before Xmas or at NY and they go to SIL over Xmas, whilst we are just the 4 of us. We are on good terms with SIL but never spend Christmas with her family, mainly due to distance.

I am LC with my brother, and, like your siblings Op, he hasn’t bought presents etc for my DC (similar age to yours) for quite a few years. In fact he has gone a step further than your siblings, in recently stating right here on MN that he has no UK nieces or nephews (his wife is from abroad). He’s a twat, we have no interest in spending time with him, especially at Christmas!

Do you really want to spend Christmas time with your NC siblings, Op? Presumably you are NC for a reason?

This year we have hosted PIL, but once they leave tomorrow it will be the 4 of us for the next week or so. It’s fine - DS is revising for uni exams, DD is currently working in retail between travelling, so has very little time off - neither feel they are missing out - we have Panto planned, plus some walks and will watch films and generally enjoy relaxing together.

Happiness lies in appreciating what you do have, op.

My christmas has been similar except i don't even have a partner. I could sit here hating myself and thinking about how nobody even wants to go on a date with me, or i could appreciate the things that have gone right. There's no right or wrong but we can choose thoughts that lift us up rather than kick us when we're down.

I’m the only child of two only children. No aunts, uncles, cousins etc at all. My DH has siblings, cousins, aunts, nieces and nephews galore, but they are not MY family, they are his ( they make this abundantly clear). My ‘family’ is my friends, and their kids. We love each other like family, we walked to one couple on Xmas morning for drinks and are meeting another family for skating tomorrow. Your family doesn’t need to be your actual relatives, and if make your own you can choose good ones.

I know just how you feel. Grandparents have died, husbands parents too, I dont have a relationship with either of my Uncles, my relationship with my parents is strained.... Awful isnt it? Makes me feel really sad when my friends moan about having to make loads of visits to see lots of extended family.

I make sure not to spread my anxiety to dh or the dcs. I don't want them feeling as I do. I'd hate that. Realising my kids might not feel as bad as me is a huge relief. But they have mentioned it before, they do notice. Maybe not as much as me right enough. I've just realised during the whole holidays they haven't mentioned my siblings or their families once. Now I feel guilty I don't discuss my siblings with my kids. But they make me feel like shit, that's why I don't mention them.

Trust me I appreciate dh and my boys. I know how much they mean to me. I've seen my parents dead, I know life doesn't last forever. I just wish I could let this emptiness go. But it's too deep to shake.

My mum makes me feel shit. My kids haven't asked about her once this Christmas. She is barely a part of their lives so she doesn't cross their minds. Me, I think of her far too often as the damage runs deep and things trigger sadness, still, I'm glad the children haven't been infected.

Maybe think of it like I do will help, protecting them from toxic waste is a good thing, having quality time is a good thing, then do the mum thing of dropping hints about wanting loads of grandchildren so you can have big noisy Christmases in a few years time.

Same situation here OP. My parents aten't alive, MIL lives 12 hour flight away. Xmas is always just us 3 then we go to sisters (about an hour away) on boxing day.
Honestly i bet your kids prefer it as they get to stay at home and play with their new toys, nothing worse than opening new games/toys only to be told right get in the car to go to someone elses house for the day.
As a child we never saw family on xmas day and honestly it never bothered me

I only recently found out my mum felt like you. Gps either died when we were young or were in care homes. Extended family lived a distance and cousins were a lot older so socialised with each other but not us.

Every Christmas it was just us but it never occurred to me we could be a bigger party. My Christmas's were happy. I am sad that my mum, like you, found them empty. This time of year always makes emotions more raw. Although there is social media now, i doubt your kids are looking at their friends wishing for more relatives. As a child I thought it might be nice to have cousins close in age but that was it, a passing thought and not something that affected me or that I dwelt on.

I feel exactly the same. My brother half heartedly invited us with a week to go. My parents didn't come here. I wouldn't have wanted to see any of them anyway. My DH parents both dead. One tragically. Christmas has been fine but I feel very down about the lack of people around, even though I'm an introvert and would probably hate it. Sometimes I think stupidly I should have more kids for them... bonkers. I don't feel like I have enough good friends so this time of year just makes me feel shit.