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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel a failure as I can't give my kids extended family. Just spent another Christmas just us. .

117 replies

ssd · 26/12/2019 19:37

I know it's not my fault. And I keep off social media because of it. But I've seen loads of it on mn today and yesterday. Big days with extended families, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. I know it's not all happy families. I seen the unhappy threads. Of course I don't want that either.
But I'd love to have family that wants to see us on Xmas day. It's not much to ask. It's a normal thing, isn't it?
Am dreading going back to work, everyone asks how was the big day, I say quiet, and feel like a leper.
My parents are dead. So is dhs. My siblings are estranged and live 100s miles away. They are indifferent to us. They ignored both ds's 18th and 21st this year. I've gave up contact, getting ignored hurt too much. They haven't noticed. Dh siblings both live through their partners parents and their siblings in law. We asked to see dhs sibling on Xmas day, we were told 'we're busy'.
It's just how it's turned out, just circumstances, no one's fault.
But I'd love my ds's to have more family than us. They are great boys. My dad would have loved them but he died when Ds1 was a baby.
Life is just unfair. I looked after my mum and didn't benefit from having younger fitter parents like my siblings did. Now my parents are gone and honestly my siblings just don't need me or my family. Maybe that's the curse of me being a late baby. I don't know.
I have friends, but no family out there. I've felt alone these last few days. I know it's daft, I have dh and dcs I love. But no blood family interested in us. It's lonely.

OP posts:

Voila212 · 26/12/2019 20:46

Remember you do have blood family, you have 2 sons.

Ostrichfeather · 26/12/2019 20:49

Hang about ssd, you’re mid fifties, arent you? That’s totally normal. Sorry if I sound harsh but it is.

Jillyhilly · 26/12/2019 20:50

Hi OP,

I fully understand. I grew up as one of 3 and Christmas there used to be 24 round the table!

Over the years things have changed, people have moved away, and my parents died this year, so now it really is just the 3 of us.

On Christmas Eve I just made a decision that I was going to tune out the anxiety (which like you is mainly about DS not having the “surrounded by family” experience) and not to think too much about what that “meant” for his future, if that makes sense. I also decided that I was going to relax, which meant for 2 days no nagging whatsoever about vegetable or screens.

As a result I felt no guilt about anything. What a relief! It’s been great. DS has had the time of his life not being pestered about anything. I’ve not been well so I’ve been sleeping and watching movies and mumsnetting. DH made dinner and did all the washing up, both days!

For me the trick is trying to be kind to myself and realise that a lot of my uncomfortable feelings about this comes down to anxiety. And then I try to work on that. You don’t know what the future will hold, and who may pop into your life (and your Christmases) in coming years.

IdiotInDisguise · 26/12/2019 20:50

You can’t miss what you never had.

Original poster

ssd · 26/12/2019 20:52

Yes. Is it normal though? I have lots of friends my age with lots of family around
And the dcs friends all have grandparents alive

I'd forgotten mn has a range of ages right enough.

OP posts:

Jillyhilly · 26/12/2019 20:52

You can’t miss what you never had.

That really is the truth!

toddytoff · 26/12/2019 20:53

I hear you OP but I have a big family Christmas. Still feels lonely though.
Nobody posts the bad stuff online. Only the ‘good bits’.
Many families from the outside seem happy but it’s very rarely all what it seems.

Cinammoncake · 26/12/2019 20:56

If it's any consolation OP, when I was a kid I had an extended family and they were an absolutely toxic dysfunctional nightmare (as were my parents) I would have been far better off with just a caring mum and dad instead. You sound really nice, stop beating yourself up, it's not your fault. Just try to make the best of it with your lovely dcs, and when they grow up they'll have partners and other relatives then.

TatianaLarina · 26/12/2019 20:56

My favourite Christmases growing up were just our family unit. My least favourite were the ones with granny and aunts and uncles and cousins - they were dreadfully boring.

Christmas trees are always greener and more twinkly on the other side of the glass.

Jillyhilly · 26/12/2019 20:57

Ah ssd I’m early 50s and it’s totally normal, where you are now. My DS is an only with no grandparents (well, one grandmother but she’s a complete alcoholic and very unpredictable). He does have some cousins but nobody is local.

Try to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for the stuff you can’t help! I mean that most sincerely.

Strongteaplease · 26/12/2019 21:03

Same here and even though I get white jealous of other people's families especially at christmas, I think I'd struggle with being part of one after always being without. My parents have passed away but never bothered anyway as they had both remarried and concentrated on their own families, I've no siblings or other relatives. My ex husband's family refused to have anything to do with me and the children we had together as they preferred his ex wife. He no longer sees his children...his choice. So its just me and my three children 17, 13 and 7. I do feel sorry for them when it's commonplace for their friends to get visits and presents from family members and to be invited to family gatherings but as they get older they will bring more people in to the mix hopefully so it won't always be like this.

Strongteaplease · 26/12/2019 21:04

*quite...😕

richtea12 · 26/12/2019 21:07

I just wanted it to be immediate family for Christmas when I was kid and didn't realise people had huge family get togethers until I got older and aware of what other people did. Now I spend it with my DP and our DS who has no siblings. I feel guilt about him being an only all the time but my new year's resolution is to let it go as it achieves nothing and I don't want him to pick up on my insecurities.

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 26/12/2019 21:07

We lived in a different country to the extended family when I was growing up. So Christmas was without wider family.

Where I live now, many people live far away from their wider family, who are themselves spread far and wide. My family live on three different continents.

DH's parents are both only children. All 4 grandparents were dead before he was 5. Christmas was without extended family.

Your idea of the majority having loads of family round for Christmas is just plain wrong.

Maternal guilt is powerful. We all create it over daft stuff all the time and seek put evidence to prove our culpability. You have a shit extended family, you have turned this into a failure on your part for your children, then you start only seeing evidence for this, e.g. some things on social media, instead of thinking through the blimming obvious that loads of people have Christmas with immediate family only and it is absolutely fine. Give yourself a break. Your children have quite a normal life.

mindproject · 26/12/2019 21:08

Same here, it's just me and DD. We still have a good day. DD phones her friends. I message mine. We've having a Christmas party tomorrow for friends. I just try to make it as enjoyable as possible with lots of treats and a nice relaxing time. Christmas is overrated for most people. My worst Christmas in the past was when I was stuck at a relative's house with not much to do. Christmas is always better at home.

derxa · 26/12/2019 21:08

Stay off Facebook. It seems to be the work of the devil

nokidshere · 26/12/2019 21:08

I have a huge family, all of whom would be happy to see us. But we have had Christmas at home, just the 4 of us, since we had the children (now 18 & 20). We spend part of the day together but really we just slob around, open presents and eat/drink. It's very quiet and chilled. Over the years I have asked the boys what they want to do for Christmas and they always say 'same as always'. They don't want to go away or visit people, they want to chill in their own home. They (and all their local freinds) are home from uni but they haven't really been anywhere, just hung out at home with us

You might be feeling it more than your child/ren, just because you think she will miss out doesn't necessarily mean she will.

derxa · 26/12/2019 21:12

We've had the same Christmas every year for 30 years since we've had our DSs. Just us 4. We can't get rid of the buggers (only joking)
It's blissful

MotherChristmas1973 · 26/12/2019 21:12

I hear you OP. But please count your blessings that you have your DC with you at Christmas. Because my ex (a nasty selfish bully) went on to remarry someone prepared to accept his behaviour & they produced 2 DC, my DC have for the last 4 years chosen to spend Christmas at his house in order that it is not "just another day" for their siblings. It hurts, but I accept that small DC come first at Christmas.

Echobelly · 26/12/2019 21:13

I didn't grow up with lots of extended family - I had no first cousins at all, and my mum's family were few in number and hard to contact behind the Iron Curtain when I was a kid. I used to faintly envy all my Greek mates (went to a school with a lot of Greek kids) who all seemed to have loads of 1st cousins their age living nearby, but it was never really a problem at all. Your kids know it can't be helped and it's all that they've known, so there it is.

I agree that it's nice to create your own traditions, maybe open your home out to friends, especially if there's anyone you know who might lack wider family, or even hook up with an older people's charity and befriend a local older person to join your family on certain days - helping you both ways.

BellatrixLestat · 26/12/2019 21:14

We live 100s of miles away from our extended family. My parents moved away from their hometown when we were young children so we have never seen them over Christmas. It has always just been my parents, siblings and me for Christmas (now with partners and my DC). We love it and wouldn't have it any other way. No awkwardness, expectations to go see people, it's great. If your DC know no different then I bet they don't feel they are missing out.

Original poster

ssd · 26/12/2019 21:16

Thanks so much for all the replies here, I'll take them all on board. Some especially reallyi ring true. I realise it my anxiety I need to work on. That and not feeling guilty for something I can't change.
And yes, can I be your sister QueenoftheNowhereverse

OP posts:

SimonJT · 26/12/2019 21:18

Family don’t have to be people you share DNA with. I’m spending xmas at my mums, legally and biologically she isn’t my mum, but she loves me, looks after me and treats me exactly the same as her other sons, she’s most definitely my son Grandma.

You can create a family, they don’t have to be people linked by birth.

CouldBeOuting · 26/12/2019 21:18

I grew up with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc as did DH.

These days it is just us - me, DH, DD, DS. Both our mums are dead and both our dads remarried... they married women who are very much ‘in charge’ and Christmas is always with the new wives families... no matter how much we invite for ANY day in we aren’t working in December or January it is never convenient.

Our DCs have only really experienced Christmas as “us four” and we save up to make sure they have a good day (they only get actual presents from us and a tenner in an envelope from one grandparent).

They don’t seem to feel hard done by though, it’s made us all very close.

Boobahs · 26/12/2019 21:19

I could have written this post myself. So upset that no family on my side have bothered with my kids.

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