I feel a failure as I can't give my kids extended family. Just spent another Christmas just us. .

[ssd]

I know it's not my fault. And I keep off social media because of it. But I've seen loads of it on mn today and yesterday. Big days with extended families, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. I know it's not all happy families. I seen the unhappy threads. Of course I don't want that either.
But I'd love to have family that wants to see us on Xmas day. It's not much to ask. It's a normal thing, isn't it?
Am dreading going back to work, everyone asks how was the big day, I say quiet, and feel like a leper.
My parents are dead. So is dhs. My siblings are estranged and live 100s miles away. They are indifferent to us. They ignored both ds's 18th and 21st this year. I've gave up contact, getting ignored hurt too much. They haven't noticed. Dh siblings both live through their partners parents and their siblings in law. We asked to see dhs sibling on Xmas day, we were told 'we're busy'.
It's just how it's turned out, just circumstances, no one's fault.
But I'd love my ds's to have more family than us. They are great boys. My dad would have loved them but he died when Ds1 was a baby.
Life is just unfair. I looked after my mum and didn't benefit from having younger fitter parents like my siblings did. Now my parents are gone and honestly my siblings just don't need me or my family. Maybe that's the curse of me being a late baby. I don't know.
I have friends, but no family out there. I've felt alone these last few days. I know it's daft, I have dh and dcs I love. But no blood family interested in us. It's lonely.

Aw huge hugs OP.
I know how you feel. I live on the opposite side of the world to all my and my DH's family, it is just us and our children.
We have amazing friends though and hosted some on Christmas day. You can't pick your family but you can pick friends - who become like family.
But in all honesty, sometimes it's nice having a small family affair instead of all of the conundrum that comes with bigger events (like many of the posts on here)!

But they have mentioned it before, they do notice

But feelings come and go, and change depending on mood / the day / the weather / etc, and just because they may have mentioned it and noticed (and even if they felt bad for a bit) that doesn’t really mean anything in particular. We all compare ourselves to what other people have and imagine it might be better. Then something else happens and we forget about it.

And if they do have those feelings - well, maybe that’ll prompt and push them in the future to have large families themselves, and you’ll become an important part of that extended family. Who knows how our family experiences influence our choices? Anyway, it’s your internal peace of mind that matters more than anything at the end of the day, and large families matter not a whit when it comes to developing that.

Your post has prompted me to think more about those big family Christmases. I remember them fondly but my mum was always massively stressed and exhausted. And my brother later told me years later that he’d absolutely hated the “mute Christmases” in which he’d had no one to talk to and everyone ignored him and he felt lonely. He now refuses to have anyone outside of his immediate family of 4 over for Christmas!

Thinking about it more, I didn't wish for cousins etc as a kid as I had older siblings and my mum and dad. Even though siblings left home when I was very young, I knew they were there. But now my parents are dead and I know my siblings aren't there. Maybe that's why I'm feeling it more as time goes on.

Sorry to hear that OP. My family consists of just my mum but luckily my DH has a ever so slightly larger family that we spend time with. It must be hard.

Does it have a to be a sit down eating indoors type of Christmas? Could you have lunch out at a restaurant? Go on holiday over Christmas? Arrange a meal with friends? Help out at Crisis? Maybe try something different to avoid that sense of loneliness.

I understand how you are feeling op. However if you cannot change your situation you have to accept it (easier said than done often for me too)
I spent Christmas day with DS and an elderly distant relative as we have no-one else. We spent the day as we wanted. I will not be (well- doing my best not to!) comparing my Christmas with anyone elses. Comparison is the thief of joy.

OP I have felt like you this year too! In fact I hate taking the dog a walk this time of year as I come across groups of 10-20 family members out for a walk! It was just us and 3 children this year as my siblings live 400 miles away and go to ILs and my DH's dad was abroad and his brother and family live miles away too. It was fine but for me felt a bit flat and I know the children would love a big do with cousins and other people around. Gonna work on rustling up someone to join us for Christmas next year! Try and ignore social media, it's a snapshot in time, 5 minutes later someone is probably storming out in a strop!

This year is the first year in 21 years that it has been DH, DC, one of their friends and her dog with us. DM decided to go to her friends daughter's instead and my DSis went to her neighbours. ( This is probably my mom's last Christmas because of a fatal illness but her choice)
For me it's been a relaxed Christmas, for mom she enjoyed her Christmas day it was hard but how can I deny her that? (we spent Christmas Eve with her, I'll see her tomorrow she rang me today asking if we would have our usual lunch tomorrow) don't know how DSis day was has she hasn't contacted us

I guess I am saying don't feel guilty you and your children were together that's all they need

It's too expensive to eat out Xmas day for us, and going on holiday is out the question. I make a sit down dinner to try to make an occasion out of another normal day. We don't have anyone to invite, everyone we know has their own extended families to see. I've been invited to a good friend's Xmas, but like another pp said, it magnified our isolation, we were like the spectre at the feast. My friend had 19 relatives and us!! Kind, but awkward.
Sorry so many of us feel the same way

Best Christmas I had was alone with the flu. (Am serious) watched tv in bed all day lovely .Sorry but if you feel so hard done by and miserable no wonder people don’t want to spend Christmas with you. We have to move on as kids grow up and things are always changing go with the flow ..... Think of the positives etc..let people do what they want expectations make people feel like visiting is a duty.. embrace your new circumstances who cares what people think. Masses of family round is a nightmare in my book....but I appreciate not for everyone.

My ds has three elderly grandparents, an aunt and a cousin and grumbles massively about seeing any of them at Christmas- always wants just us. I feel a bit the same and would rather see friends- could you incorporate some, for example have people over xmas eve or boxing day?

You know what I think OP? I think we need a thread where people with huge extended families who all spent Christmas together tell us how crap it was. Lighthearted, of course.

I'm inspired by this thread to shake things up a bit for next Xmas. Not dramatically, just enough to make me feel a bit more involved somewhere.
Thanks to everyone here.

Don’t feel guilty! I had Christmas with just me and the kids (11 and 5) and really enjoyed it. Maybe it feels different if it’s a choice, but looking at it differently might help. You can do exactly as you choose and don’t have to worry about family falling outs etc.

It’s hard when Christmas is overshadowed by bereavement. However, I have to say in my own situation our family is tiny and I loved just having the 4 of us, no arguments, aged relatives dictating how we spend the day, just quality time playing games, watching telly and eating. It’s easy to think about what you haven’t got but when I compare my Christmas to families who argue and fight I’m grateful for our quiet christmas

if there are any volunteering opportunities like serving lunch to homeless or older people with no relatives nearby - maybe volunteer as a family? I used to work in hospital some christmases and there’s usually quite a festive atmosphere with people busy but plenty of snacks, community feel.

Hi OP, you sound as if you are depressed or down in yourself. Perhaps try ACT therapy where you learn to maximise the joy in every day. Maybe you could volunteer next Christmas Day or Christmas Eve or find some other friends who live alone and would like to join you. And be thankful that you did not have the horrid time that many in MN have had with family, extended family and IL’s this year.

Dear OP, I can't tell you how delighted I am NOT have to spend time with extended family.
We have travelled twice to our respective families for Christmas and while it wasn't terrible it's just simply more pleasurable when it's just us.