Ending a relationship because of my snoring

[Sally99]

I slept in the spare room last night so that my partner could have a decent night's sleep away from my snoring. Christmas Eve I'd kept waking up to him almost begging "darling, please".

It's gradually ruining our relationship as we can no longer laugh about it. Snoring makes me feel unfeminine and unattractive. He doesn't seem to realise that it's involuntary - I can't control what I do when asleep other than trying to stay awake all night.

Sleeping in the spare room was the ultimate humiliation. Then this morning he said that he still heard me through the wall.

I love this man but I feel so alone with my problem and so embarrassed.

I'm 57 and not overweight or a smoker.

You don't have to be overweight to have sleep apnoea, it's more common but not necessarily the case.

Sorry, but it's not about you. No one would put up with a partner who swept their dinner from the table every time they were about to sit down to eat. you're stopping him getting something he needs. stop being emotional about the spare room and accept that he needs to sleep.

The mouth guards that you mould yourself from Boots are quite effective.

I wear ear plugs here too. They work a treat. Has your husband tried wearing them?

sleeppro.com/collections/all

I’ve purchased a mouth guard from here for nighttime teeth grinding. They seem to have a few different guards for snoring.

I tried a ridiculously amount of boil and mould ones before but the fit always felt off. This one has been fab.

Go and see your gp. My DM had a terrible snoring problem - she got referred to a sleep clinic and was diagnosed with sleep apnoea

I really feel for your husband OP. I went on holiday for a few days and shared a hotel room with a friend who was a loud snorer and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. Being kept awake until 5/6 in the morning by the noise, verging on tears, then frustration and then anger and being lucky to get an hours sleep. It was torture, and I slept for 18 hours straight when i returned home! It damaged our friendship too, whilst I understood she couldn't help it, it drove me mad, and she would get annoyed whenever i woke her to tell her to be quiet! In the end I vowed never to share a room with her again, as I lost my mind that holiday. So whilst this probably wasn't helpful, don't feel humiliated, you're literally protecting your husbands sanity by sleeping separately.

Adding another voice to go to your GP. Could be sleep apnea, and you could be snoring because of the formation or size of your tongue/throat. Please get checked out ASAP as it’s not great for your heart.

Before I tell you this story, I want to say that I don’t think you sound like my DH at all....
I have been married for 17 years. This year we ended up in counselling. One of the biggest issues was his snoring and my lack of sleep. He was utterly selfish about it. He wanted everything his way. He didn’t like it when I slept on the couch. He liked it when we went to bed together. I hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep except for when he went away for work in 17 years as his snoring was legendary. I recorded him, and compared the decibels to other things of the same volume I found on the internet and he did not give a shit. I showed him the United Nations policy on sleep deprivation as a definition of torture - and equates denying me this as a form of abuse equal to denying food or water or clothing. He didn’t care. I pointed out that the health problems associated with snoring would probably deny my children a father, and almost all males in his family have died young - he didn’t fucking care. (He works in professional sport, is not overweight and does not smoke, etc...) When I walked out - because of this ATTITUDE. We went to counselling and he had a sleep study done. He was having an average of 36 episodes of sleep apnoea per hour. I told him that this means if he doesn’t wear his mask, and he continues to snore, then there is enough medical evidence to cover my arse if he ever “stops breathing” in his sleep. (The latex pillow solution) The mask is quiet. MUCH quieter than his snoring. It’s kind of a white noise machine. He hates it, but guess what? I DON’T CARE!!!
BTW - we are still in counselling re other issues and things are getting better.
*as a nursing student, I am concerned that despite you not being overweight, etc, you are probably denying your brain and heart of oxygen due to snoring. There are significant long-term health problems associated with sleep apnoea. Please get a sleep study done!

You probably have sleep apnea and need a CPAP. Plenty of married couples sleep in separate rooms and are perfectly happy (and well rested). No need to split up bc of it!!

Allowing someone to be sleep deprived, a person you love is extremely cruel and bordering on abusive.
You should be making every effort to solve your snoring and until it's solved, sleep on the other side of the building so that your family can sleep too.

@justilou1
What an excellent post, what you say is so true,
OP please take note, I mean this nicely you cannot be healthy if you are snoring thisbadly.

Allowing someone to be sleep deprived, a person you love is extremely cruel and bordering on abusive

^This.

You're grown up OP yet you've not sought GP help and seem to be wallowing about sleeping in the spare room.

Just sounds like your partner's put up with your snoring for a long time and now its 'If you won't put up with my snoring we'll have to split up then'. & that's that. Then making a point by moving into the spare room

& That's after your partner's put up with your snoring for years..

I left my DP 2 years ago because of his snoring. It's the most horrific thing. Selfish!

I've moved my DH into the spare room, his snoring is unbelievable, worse as he's got older.

I know I snore, I wake myself up sometimes, DH would sleep through a hurricane.

I think a full, Frank, no holds barred conversation is warranted here. Be totally honest about how your snoring makes you feel. You're only human and have no control over this.

I did buy my some sleeping headphones that do help, it's like a soft headband with flat little speakers in, I plug it into my tv and listen to sleep music. They're about £6 on eBay. They do work, but moving him out works even better.

He still comes into bed for a snuggle mind.

I'm not sure if it's been mentioned yet but my SP wears a sneeze mouthguard. It fixed the issue instantly. If we hadn't discovered it I would have killed him we would have split up.

Snoreze!*

My DH snores horrifically. He does have medical issues which mean he is often congested and his natural sleeping position is on his back. He drinks no alcohol, he is not over weight. He has seen many specialists over the years and the most extreme solution would be a very painful
operation to the part of the throat which vibrates. I asked "how painful?" I had my tonsils out in my 40s and that was excruciating, the ENT surgeon said this would be many times more painful and I felt I could not inflict this on him.

So I wear earplugs every night, I can still feel the vibrations but they don't keep me awake. Recently he was away for one night and I didn't put them in initially but then I had to as I heard every creak and the beating going off! It was that or separate rooms, we didn't want that, intimacy is important to us, this is, of course quite different to sex. Each relationship is different and I'm sure many marriages are perfect for them with separate rooms but it's not for us.

Maybe experiment with different types of ear plugs. It's a bit like beginning to wear a bra as a teenager, remember how uncomfortable that was? You get used to it. I can hear an alarm clock or a smoke alarm through mine. When the grandchildren stay over I do the first half of the night on call without plugs and he does the second shift so I can put them in.

It works for us. Do get him checked for medical issues but if there are none do reconsider the ear plugs.

Sorry I phrased everything wrong, I read many replies about DH snoring and forgot you are the snorer! Still all my comments remain, get checked then ask him to reconsider plugs. The bra comparison might not work for him though! Maybe gum shields if he's been sporty?

Why won't he wear ear plugs? I'm married to a snorer, there's not a chance in hell I could sleep with him without wearing them. It's horrendous being constantly woken by it so I know exactly how he feels - but I wouldn't be whinging at him if I wasn't willing to try them as I know he can't help it!

Sometimes earplugs are far from enough.

If you experiment with different sorts of earplugs something will work. I get on nest with the cheap foam ones but the secret is to squeeze them tiny and then put them in and keep your finger over the ear as it expands so they don't pop out. I have rarely found them to get stuck but when they do you can remove them with tweezers.

I have done the foams, the plastic ones and the wax ones. I cannot hear my child but I still can hear the BF as if he was throwing bricks against the floorboards every now and then.

If we ever end up living together it would be on the condition of separate bedrooms.