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Original poster

Ending a relationship because of my snoring

148 replies

Sally99 · 26/12/2019 18:40

I slept in the spare room last night so that my partner could have a decent night's sleep away from my snoring. Christmas Eve I'd kept waking up to him almost begging "darling, please".

It's gradually ruining our relationship as we can no longer laugh about it. Snoring makes me feel unfeminine and unattractive. He doesn't seem to realise that it's involuntary - I can't control what I do when asleep other than trying to stay awake all night.

Sleeping in the spare room was the ultimate humiliation. Then this morning he said that he still heard me through the wall.

I love this man but I feel so alone with my problem and so embarrassed.

I'm 57 and not overweight or a smoker.

OP posts:
steff13 · 26/12/2019 18:56

You should have a sleep study done. You could have sleep apnea. Or it could be something as simple as needing your adenoids removed.

Majorcollywobble · 26/12/2019 18:56

A magnetic nose clip really does work . Though don’t be tempted to buy a really cheap one like DH did when he lost the first. They really do the job x

Ellisandra · 26/12/2019 18:58

I think if he loves you, he should be prepared to try ear plugs to keep the relationship going.

But I personally hate ear plugs - I don’t like how they feel I’m my ears, and I hate the sensation of reduced hearing.

It’s not your fault that you snore, but I do think that the first responsibility should like with the snorer.

As I says above, I’m married to a snorer - I would not wear ear plugs if all he had tried was a different pillow.

TipsyMalone · 26/12/2019 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elmosducks · 26/12/2019 18:59

DH slept on the sofa last night as I had barely slept the last three nights and was on my knees. It's worse when he has had a drink, which he did (as did I, but not enough to drown him out!).

We celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary next week.

It hasn't been easy. I understand how people can be led to attack their partner. Just as it is involuntary for you, sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Nothing has worked for him, we've tried everything!

Our survival techniques are, me going to bed first and falling asleep before he comes, (often happens, as I am shattered by 9pm) or him sleeping somewhere else (I can still hear him, it's just not in my ear). And usually, on a Saturday afternoon I have a nap and catch up on my missed sleep. We don't have a spare room.

I'd rather have a cuddle in the morning that not have him in my life.

Hope you can find a solution.

KittyMcKitty · 26/12/2019 18:59

I don’t understand why it’s humiliating for you? You stop him sleeping- you sleeping in the spare room shows consideration - you keeping him awake with your snoring is selfish!

Have you been to the doctors? There are many things you could do. Do you drink? That is a major factor in how bad snoring is.

Do not underestimate how bad living with a snorer is - try going to sleep and being randomly awakened by a loud noise at random intervals throughout the night and then being unable to get back to sleep. Try this every night for a couple of months and see how you feel!

You can go and see the doctor and joy can be considerate with where you sleep - why would you not do this?

Pastaandpeas · 26/12/2019 18:59

I’m the snorer In the relationship too OP.

We’ve been in separate rooms for 8 of the 9 years in our relationship. We’ve had to book extra rooms when staying in hotels and look for self catering with more rooms than we need as a family.

I eventually went to the GP, turns out I have Obstructive Sleep Apnea. My AHI was 59, which is considered high. Of course it all makes sense, brain fog, extreme, debilitating tiredness.

I’m 47, healthy weight, non smoker and live an active lifestyle.

The simple answer was a CPAP machine, it’s quieter than a fan, and my snoring has stopped. Completely. We’re now in the same room again, able to book hotels, cottages etc and the fog has lifted.

Please go and see your GP and request a referral, it will change your life.

MattBerrysHair · 26/12/2019 18:59

I really wouldn't view sleeping in another room as a humiliation. Of course you're not doing it on purpose, but sleeping next to a snorer is tough. Separate rooms, if possible, can be a relationship saver. If he can still really hear you through the walls then he can wear ear plugs.

DeeCeeCherry · 26/12/2019 19:00

If you've not been to the GP yet resorted to sleeping in a separate room then you aren't doing your best to sort situation and help your relationship, to be honest. You've skipped out medical help

There's so much information and advice online. Together with helpful suggestions on this thread then hopefully you will get this seen to.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 26/12/2019 19:00

I can second the magnetic nose clip, DH snores terribly. The first one he got worked but would fall out and then he'd snore again, the one he has now works brilliantly and he says he can't even really feel it

Original poster
Sally99 · 26/12/2019 19:01

@majorcollywobble which nose clip did you try that worked? I've googled them and there are various different ones

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/12/2019 19:01

He shouldn't have to wear ear plugs because of your snoring.

He isn't insensitive because of your snoring.

Seriously sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. You're the one who needs to fix this.

EllaEllaE · 26/12/2019 19:01

Definitely worth getting checked for sleep apnea first. As well as snoring do you

  • tend to nod off regularly during the day, for instance while sitting watching tv?
  • take a long time to get going in the morning? Like needing lots of coffee?
  • ask your partner: when you snore, is the pattern that there will snoring, then a long silent pause, and then a sudden loud jerking noise?

My DH has terrible sleep apnea. He never realized he was exhausted all day because that's what his life had always been like. Since getting a sleep mask he doesn't snore. But also his quality of life is vastly improved because he's literally getting the best sleep of his life.

Echobelly · 26/12/2019 19:01

My mum was snoring very badly and it turned out to be sleep aponea

Tombliwho · 26/12/2019 19:02

Ear plugs don't really help with snoring in my opinion. It's right next to you and the vibration still gets through.
I don't think he is unreasonable wanting a decent nights sleep. You're more bothered by feeling humiliated in the spare room than you are about his sleep deprivation which is sad.
If you can both get decent rest with one of you in the spare room it really isn't a big deal.
My husband often sleeps in the spare bed. Lack of sleep strains our relationship far more than not sleeping together. Its not fair to expect someone to just put up with it.

Original poster
Sally99 · 26/12/2019 19:05

@pastaandpeas - just thank you.

I will buy a nose clip and also make an appointment with my GP. I didn't know that snoring could be a medical issue.

OP posts:
Bibby26 · 26/12/2019 19:05

Can you not just sleep in separate rooms? Me and DH do as he snores loudly and I am a very light sleeper. It’s the best thing ever and hasn’t ruined any intimacy or hurt our relationship in any way. It’s made it lots better as I no longer resent him for ruining my sleep.

Absolute ball ache when we go away though as I’ve never found a pair of ear plugs decent enough to block out the noise

littlepeaegg · 26/12/2019 19:05

Why won't he wear ear plugs?! I'm sorry, but if he won't be willing to do that then he's actually being a bit of a twot!!

My partner is a snorer- I wear ear plugs. Sorted.

ETgo · 26/12/2019 19:07

@LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook what make nose clip is it if you don’t mind me asking? I’m shattered as my husband refuses to do anything about his snoring and sulks when I go in the spare room 🙁

nevermorelenore · 26/12/2019 19:08

My DH snores and ear plugs aren't an option really. They give me ear infections and are uncomfortable. Having a snoring partner is exhausting. There are lots of devices and things to try. Dry mouth spray, those stick on nose things, anti snoring mouth guards etc. You may need to find a combination that works for you.

Definitely see the doctor though. Sleep apnea is really dangerous and it can affect all sorts of people.

Original poster
Sally99 · 26/12/2019 19:08

@everyone who has suggested he deserves a good night's sleep:

Absolutely he does. I'm not a good sleeper and know just what it is like to function on too little sleep - it's exhausting. It was me who suggested I sleep in the spare room to let him catch up on sleep.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 26/12/2019 19:09

Ear plugs can work. I wear them because of my DHs snoring and it’s the only way I can get to sleep all night.
It’s worth a try and I don’t know why he wouldn’t trygiving it a go considering he can hear you even from the next bedroom.
Do go to the doctor though in case you do have sleep apnea. If you do it won’t be just your BF who isn’t sleeping well and it will do your health the world of good too.

Ellisandra · 26/12/2019 19:09

@littlepeaegg works for you, doesn’t for me. They are uncomfortable for me, I hate the lack of sound, and rather crucially like a PP bc- they don’t work. The sudden noise of a big snore still wakes me. So they do help me get back to sleep after a big snore waking - but they don’t stop the waking.

I posted that he should be willing to try them - but not as a first resort. All the OP has done us change her pillow, and until this thread hadn’t researched snoring by the sounds of it (as the medical cause info was new). Fair play to you OP for trying to find a way forward now though!

I wouldn’t be criticising the boyfriend for not wearing ear plugs when the OP hasn’t even tried nose clips or mouth straps yet.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/12/2019 19:10

Why did you feel humiliated sleeping in the spare room? It's the obvious solution.

GreenGrove · 26/12/2019 19:11

I'd suggest going to see your GP. You may need an ENT referral

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