Ending a relationship because of my snoring

[Sally99]

I slept in the spare room last night so that my partner could have a decent night's sleep away from my snoring. Christmas Eve I'd kept waking up to him almost begging "darling, please".

It's gradually ruining our relationship as we can no longer laugh about it. Snoring makes me feel unfeminine and unattractive. He doesn't seem to realise that it's involuntary - I can't control what I do when asleep other than trying to stay awake all night.

Sleeping in the spare room was the ultimate humiliation. Then this morning he said that he still heard me through the wall.

I love this man but I feel so alone with my problem and so embarrassed.

I'm 57 and not overweight or a smoker.

@Sally99 yes, we haven't slept in the same room for over 6 years

DH and I sleep in separate rooms because he snores/shuffles around/goes to bed at 1am when I’ve been asleep since 10pm. We tried a superking bed with a duvet each and it stopped the duvet hogging but he was still disturbed me too much.

We have been together for 8 years and are very close but there is a weird stigma around separate rooms.

It can be a sign of life threatening illness, you should see gp for tests

@amusedbush

Yes there IS a weird stigma around having separate bedrooms in a marriage, and I really don't know why.

Neither me or my DP are light sleepers, or snorers and we still sleep on seperate rooms on occasion! A good night's sleep is so important to feeling like the best version of yourself. Definitely hasn't ruined our intimacy, it's lovely to go into each others 'rooms' and have a cuddle, but it's bloody lovely to sleep for a solid 7 too; different mattress types, duvet weight, curtain types, if you've got the space to do it it's such a good idea.

Ok I don’t think the patronising “go to a doctor” comments are any help here as I’m sure the OP is aware of the various issues around snoring and why.

That’s not what she is posting about.

I’m the snorer in our relationship. Many times I’ve woken to an empty bed as my DH has gone to the spare room in the middle of the night.

At the beginning of our relationship I was shocked to learn that I snored as no previous partner had ever mentioned it. In fact I’d always had partners that themselves snores and I used to lie awake almost in tears wiling them (or kicking them) to shut up. This was back when I didn’t have a spare room to escape to or I would have quietly done that instead.

Now it’s me that’s the snorer and we do have the luxury of a spare room and if the snoring situation is bad one or other of us will quietly decant and both get a better night’s sleep. I did worry about it in the beginning OP and I was totally mortified but that feeling has passed and now it’s a pragmatic move to just make sure everyone is rested and happy and then we can get on and enjoy our awake times together.

Please don’t feel ashamed about it and please don’t end your relationship based on only this.

Sadie789 the OP has literally said that she was unaware of the medical problems associated with snoring and that she will go to her GP, so hardly patronizing!

Glad to hear you will look into this. My Ex snored for years before I finally convinced him to get checked out. He had severe sleep apnea and was very lucky he didn’t damage his heart or brain by leaving it untreated for so long.

@Sadie789 I don’t think you’ve read the thread, have you? The OP had no idea of the medical issues around snoring at all, and far from finding them patronising, she’s been prompted by this thread to go to her GP for the first time AND try some suggested aids.

Me and my ex have been separated since September. Christmas Eve he stayed at mine to be with the kids to see them open their present and he slept with me in my bed (that sounds totally weird but we're amicable) I honestly don't know how I put up with his snoring for 8 years I remember the rows and telling him to sleep in the sofa numerous amounts of times but Tuesday was torture I got less than one hours sleep all night it was horrific. I can totally understand why people end relationships because of it.

It’s still not what she asked. There’s plenty of information on the internet about snoring. She is talking about leaving her partner because of the humiliation. Why not address that rather than 100x unsolicited advice on her health? Plenty of people just snore and there’s absolutely nothing they can do about it.

We have separate rooms, he snores and I have restless legs.

It works because we have always been practical about it never emotional.

Try to separate the two and enjoy your sleep

He shouldn’t be making you feel bad about something you can’t control. People snore. People snore even after seeing their gps, having sleep studies, and buying every quack stop snoring product on the market. In many ways it is expecting a person to not sneeze, or not have their eyes water. Sure, sometimes these things have a cause or can be mitigated, but sometimes they just are.

You need to stop feeling guilty about it. That won’t get you anywhere.

You snore. He has trouble sleeping. As long as you are working together on a solution this shouldn’t hurt your relationship. I’ve known couples who having twin beds is sufficient. I’ve known couples who had separate bedrooms. Others use white noise. You have to find what will work for you as a couple, but at no point should there be blame and at no point should he be waking you up because you are snoring.

I sleep in the spare room because of snoring.

Not my snoring I should add ; ‘D’h’s. And yes I get the sulk from him when I leave every night after going through the whole motion of pretending to try and sleep in there knowing full well il be through here soon.
5 years of this now after the first 5 of not sleeping/kicking the shit out of his legs to shut him up to no avail/ sleeping in kids beds with them. ( refuses to seek GP help and basically denies he even snores and yes I’ve recorded him but )

YANBU: because at least your not being selfish and YOU are being the one to go in the spare room. You are asking for advice/help and will go to GP I presume.

YABU by being slighted by his comments, he sounds very restrained to be honest!

I had some tests at the hospital years ago as they thought I had sleep apnea. Turns out I didn't but the consultant said I was a severe simple snorer!! It used to wake me all the time too (and I'm a deep sleeper). He asked how my husband managed to sleep in the same room as me. I had an operation to remove my uvula and had some stents put in my soft palate. It's improved a little but it's still not great!

I am the snorer in my marriage and my husband is a light sleeper. We have been sleeping in separate rooms since before we were married (married 11.5yrs now) and have 3 children and a great sex life. I really enjoy having my own bed though I often have one of the children in it. I usually start the night in his room for cuddles, pillow talk etc and then go into my room to sleep. It bothered me a bit in the beginning but now I love it and much prefer him having slept well! He wears ear plugs every night but is still disturbed by noises. The only difficulty we have is if we go away together and need to share a room. We often pay for a more expensive room that has a separate living area with a sofa bed so it’s not too noisy for him.
Good luck with your investigations and please don’t feel bad about separate rooms, it is much more common than you’d think, even among very sexually active and loving couples!

Go to the doctor and get help with your snoring. It can be a sign of serious health problems.

I snore and DH is the most snnoying wriggly person to share a bed with. We've slept separately for years. We're also happier and nicer people when well rested. When exhausted, we snap at each other.

My dad snores and mum and dad slepts separately too.

My cousin sleeps separately because her DH moves too much and gets up at stupid o'clock.

Lots of people sleep separately, it's just a taboo to mention it. People tend to assume that the marriage is failing if you don't spend hours in a bed next to each other doing nothing with your eyes closed.

If you own your home, you can fit soundproofing plasterboard to the relevant walls and/or other soundproofing measures that mean you can both sleep in beds and not anybody on a sofa.

The issue is not so much your snoring, for which there are potentially medical solutions/separate sleeping solutions, but your feelings about it. Why is sleeping in the same bed important to you? Why did it feel humiliating to use a different bedroom?

You both need adequate sleep to give you the headspace to start fixing the problem, so start with separate bedrooms for a bit, using soft fabrics on the walls, moving the beds away from any wall separating the two rooms and experimenting with earplugs.

Then look at what everybody else has already said about referrals from your GP for a sleep study. It's also worth seeing your dentist.

Why not address that rather than 100x unsolicited advice on her health?

Because its a health issue which needs addressing and if addressed may resolve the issue of poor sleeping.

OP you can spend a fortune on gadgets which promise to address snoring. Most are a waste of money. See your GP and ask for a referral to a sleep clinic ENT as the problem is so severe. If you have apnoea you need treatment for it - it can be a dangerous condition. Treatments range from breathing kit to surgery but are effective so don't be fobbed off because you don't present as a typical male snorer.

In the mean time just use separate rooms for sleeping, as you would need to if he was the snorer. Its purely a practical solution which enables you both to get some rest. Pretend you are aristocracy.

I have snored since I was a child, and got diagnosed with sleep apnoea last week. I would go to the GP and see what they say. Or try completing this questionnaire and seeing what the result is

I used to be bothered about people finding out me and DH slept separately, because of the ridiculous stigma attached to it. Assuming you don't have sex, assuming you have marriage problems, assuming you dislike each other, and assuming there is no intimacy or communication. As I said, some people who sleep separately have better marriages, because they both sleep well, and are well-rested, and not aggy and snappy through lack of sleep!

And whenever I tell anyone now (coz I no longer give a shit what people think,) I get big sighs (from women especially,) with comments like 'Oh my GOD you are so lucky! I wish I had my own bedroom!' OR I get women telling me THEY have had separate bedrooms for a decade or more too. I think if most people were honest, they would admit they prefer their own bedroom!

I find it most bizarre that some men seem to get arsey and snarky if their wife/partner wants to sleep in a separate bedroom. Does it make them feel emasculated or something?

As I said, my sleep, and my health and well being is far more important than the bruised feelings of a selfish, immature man who is sulking, purely because I want to prevent myself from having sleep deprivation!

And sometimes, it ISN'T a health problem causing it! Sometimes people just snore.......

TigerOnATrain

Totally agree. OH and I have slept in separate rooms for 10 years- it has been great.

I tell very few people in RL. We have a rock solid relationship, great communications and a lively intimate life.
I have my own private space to retire to ( he does visit), adorned with things that make me feel special - without having to compromise.
He can snore, fart, leave his dirty socks on his bedroom floor- it is of no concern to me.

I love my big double bed, starfish all night if I want to.

@speakout

What YOU said. ^ 😊😄

@Sally99
I’ll research it x

I've suggested ear plugs but he won't consider wearing them

Okay, he should be willing to consider earplugs, maybe even try some, but you’re causing the problem and expecting him to implement the solution. If your neighbours were playing banging music all night and they suggested you wear earplugs, what would you say to that?

For the record, I’m saddled with a snorer, and at times it’s an utter fucking misery. Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason. And yes, I wear earplugs, but no, they don’t work. Plus they aren’t comfortable, and I don’t particularly want to impair my hearing.

You say you’re willing to try things to reduce your snoring, now’s the time to step up and try some of the (possible) solutions in this thread.

I hope you find a solution that works for you both.