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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Secret Santa mix up

153 replies

ringletsandtwiglets · 26/12/2019 00:19

I have two siblings, both married with two kids each. Mr Twiglet and I can’t have children of our own.

At Christmas, I buy presents for my four nephews and nieces, and for my parents. My mum and dad have had a tough year financially, so we all said no presents from them to us grown ups. Between us 6 siblings and spouses, we do Secret Santa, so only one gift to buy/ receive.

My mum is in charge of ‘drawing names’ for Secret Santa. We try to get something lovely and thoughtful that is well matched to the person. This year, something went wrong and my sister in law ended up with two gifts, as she was somehow ‘drawn’ for my sister, and my brother to get the SS gift for her. I was missed out as a result.

When we realised what had happened, it was pretty much just shrugged over with an ‘Oh well’ and I didn’t want to be petty by bringing it up.

AIBU to feel miffed that I haven’t had a single present this year?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2019 01:04

@ringletsandtwiglets "I think lots of you are similar to me, though. If I knew someone had been missed out, I’d be mortified and would have to put it right. I like to think that makes us decent people"

It certainly does.

i think the people saying to shrug it off and forget i are missing the point totally. You've managed to move on in your own time. I would also suggest maybe you do feel more attached to the idea of a gift and so next year do not agree to any 'systems' which could end up your being left out. Glad you are OK now and have moved on. XX Thanks

AriadneAufNaxos · 28/12/2019 01:21

But I think your SIL is the real btch here. Having been given a SS present - if she was presented with another one she should have said "I've already had mine, who's not got one" and given it to you. Assuming it was suitable, of course - it may have been clothing that didn't fit. The other alternative would have been to offer you a choice of the two presents*

The OP has said at least twice the presents for sister in law were very specific to her sister in law's hobby. My sister in law is mad on horses- anything related to her hobby would useless for me.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 28/12/2019 03:00

The OP has said at least twice the presents for sister in law were very specific to her sister in law's hobby. My sister in law is mad on horses- anything related to her hobby would useless for me. Surely the sil should have given the second present to OP prior to opening it as it would have been clear someone didn't have a present. Then when it was discovered it was unsuitable whoever bought it should have said they'd return it and buy a present for OP. I don't know anyone who would happily accept 2 presents whilst someone sat there with nothing. That's just unkind.

CauliflowerBalti · 28/12/2019 10:13

I agree that the sil should have given the second gift to you to open at least, accepting that you wouldn’t be able to keep it as it wasn’t bought for you. Just sitting and accepting two gifts is not kind and would maybe have prompted one of the givers to return theirs and try again. I can’t believe your family aren’t more bothered and concerned. And I’m sorry you got left out. When you go to so much effort to make Christmas nice for others it’s ok to have a little sad pout for a bit.

Comedyusername · 28/12/2019 11:01

I'm glad you're feeling better about it now. I'd feel exactly the same. You've had a tough year too which is more reason to be spoiled a little. What did your husband say OP? Have you told him how you feel? I'd like to think my husband would speak to my mum and siblings and arrange something. But to be fair, my husband is in the "Christmas is for kids" camp too but happily accepts cash and vouchers...

GlitteryGracie · 28/12/2019 11:26

Surely the sil should have given the second present to OP prior to opening it as it would have been clear someone didn't have a present. Then when it was discovered it was unsuitable whoever bought it should have said they'd return it and buy a present for OP. I don't know anyone who would happily accept 2 presents whilst someone sat there with nothing. That's just unkind.

This!!

In my case, I got left out whilst a lovely old lady got 2. She was visibly embarrassed and handed the second present to me to open. I was very definitely aimed at her and I wouldn't have used it so I quietly tucked it in with her bag of presents later on..... but still SIL should have at least made some effort. The problem is that everybody becomes a bit "deer in the headlights" because it's a horrible thing to happen and not really fixable on Christmas Day.

Op I hope both of us receive nice New Year presents to compensate. Try to remember none of it is deliberate, just a mix up with people then not really knowing how to act.

diddl · 28/12/2019 16:43

Glad you're feeling better about it.

I agree that making a fuss would have been pointless, but what did your mum say/do?

She was mainly at fault!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 28/12/2019 18:47

Sil should have offered anyway, no matter what. If they were personalised then if I were sil I would have still offered and if you declined then I would have purchased some nice body lotion or something to make up for it. It’s not about the gift, it’s about the fact that nobody cares that you haven’t got one!
My brother has no children, I have 4. He buys only for the kids, no adults but I always get him something nice ‘from the kids’.

cuparfull · 28/12/2019 22:24

Twiglets....."I was probably just being over sensitive. All is fine xxx"
The majority of responses on here have validated your feelings, so we feel you're hurt.
Sorry but its not the lack of an SS gift, its the lack of your family caring about the lapse that's the issue. Given your mum and dad had had a tough year, someone else should have taken the initiative and sorted this. Were they afraid of upsetting the recipient of two gifts, your SIL? Distinct lack of gumption there but the family need to know you felt hurt by it. Let it go and you set a marker for the future, that you're unconcerned how you're treated.
If the gifts were specific to the intended recipient, presumably SIL will find both useful in which case she owes you a token gift....more especially as her children have also received presents from you without reciprocation.
Toomuchtrouble4me has the right idea, something nice from the kids for her brother who has no children himself.
Hope this year works out better for you.x

Original poster
ringletsandtwiglets · 28/12/2019 23:32

@cuparfull, thanks ☺️ I’ve had a bit of a chat with my sister, who said that they all think it doesn’t matter because I don’t have children I need to pay for, so I have money to spare and can treat myself whenever I want. Hmm

I pointed out that not being allowed to work has had a big impact on our finances, plus that I’d much rather have children than extra spending money, but it fell on deaf ears.

Next Christmas, I will just say not to bother with secret Santa, or opt out if they still want to do it. At least there’s no stress, then.

OP posts:
pissedoffwithprojects · 29/12/2019 00:08

Aw Ringlets, this sucks! I kept expecting you to say that someone had turned up with a pressie for you and it'd been sorted. They just aren't getting it are they Sad

BlackeyedSusan · 29/12/2019 00:19

Your sister is mean. No kids to buy for huh? That includes your nephews and nieces then.

HowDoYouLikeThoseSuedeApples · 29/12/2019 00:19

This meant to be lighthearted. Don’t participate in the draw but do bring a huge elaborately Over The Top trimmed, gift wrapped (empty box ) open it and say same as last year.

Original poster
ringletsandtwiglets · 29/12/2019 00:34

@HowDoYouLikeThoseSuedeApples, haha! That’s so tempting! Or just a print out of my bank statements inside? 😂

@pissedoffwithprojects, I don’t think I can be bothered with making them think differently. There’s been a few comments before about my disposable income, but I didn’t realise that they ALL thought that way.

@blackeyedsusan, I won’t stop treating the little ones, as much as I’m able to. It’s not their fault. Hell, they might be the ones looking after me in my old age!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/12/2019 04:15

Goodness, what a bitchy thing to say to you!!

As though you are somehow of less importance because you don't have children - however they've dressed it up.

I agree - back out of the Secret Santa next year. It won't make any difference in terms of you receiving anything but at least you won't have to waste time and energy on finding a great gift for someone who doesn't value you as a person.

Jeez, how very fucking rude! Shock

MyKingdomForBrie · 29/12/2019 04:25

Your mum and siblings sound like dickheads, sorry Flowers

JingleBelle27 · 29/12/2019 04:54

OP we do secret Santa and use a website called DrawNames.

It sends everyone an email with their SS name and there’s no chance for mix up!

Maybe try this next year Xmas Smile

Dolorabelle · 29/12/2019 05:28

I’ve had a bit of a chat with my sister, who said that they all think it doesn’t matter because I don’t have children I need to pay for, so I have money to spare and can treat myself whenever I want

If one of my siblings said that to me at Christmas no way would I go back. I’d stay away from family Christmases after that.

So sorry OP they are shallow and thoughtless. What an awful thing to say to you - sadly, it shows how little they think of you.

paranoidmum2 · 29/12/2019 08:39

I would stop buying these people any presents, including for their children.

If they don’t think presents matter for OP, then they don’t matter for anyone, including their no neck monsters.

Doubleraspberry · 29/12/2019 08:52

OP, I really feel for you. Your sister reminds me of my aunt. When an elderly relative died, she’d left money for my aunt and her siblings, both of whom were dead by that point (tragically young). So the siblings’ shares passed to their children, including me. It wasn’t a huge amount of money at all. My aunt told me she’d felt sorry for her kids missing out so had bought them a car each to make up for it. I couldn’t bring myself to point out that my cousins and I were missing a parent which was quite a lot worse. Some people just don’t see what really matters.

Liskee · 29/12/2019 08:56

Get an app or online Secret Santa sorter for next year. And I'd be grumpy too.

Milkandhoney123 · 29/12/2019 13:35

Your siblings sound selfish, sorry OP, I hate this attitude amongst family members. They are not thinking of your feelings only your financial status as a result of being child free which is pathetic. Also how can they behave this way when you have been off sick for six months. Don’t bother buying anything for them or their children next year and spend it all on something nice for yourself. Just ignore if they say anything as they have to you😡

Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2019 20:24

ringletsandtwiglets I am utterly shocked at the callous attitude of your family. How cruel to use your assumes disposable income because you do not have kids, as an excuse not to worry that you were left out of the present!

Ignoring your illness, and lack of work, seems very dumb of them.

I'm sorry, but their lack of awareness (of the heartbreak you must have felt on learning you cannot have children) is incredible.

Original poster
ringletsandtwiglets · 29/12/2019 22:14

You lovely people have been very kind to me. @Italiangreyhound, you’re so very sweet. Thank you all for your advice and support- I really appreciate it!

Have some imaginary homemade chocolate fudge from me ☺️

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2019 23:40

Thank you, I love fudge. Wink Look after you. xx