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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Secret Santa mix up

153 replies

ringletsandtwiglets · 26/12/2019 00:19

I have two siblings, both married with two kids each. Mr Twiglet and I can’t have children of our own.

At Christmas, I buy presents for my four nephews and nieces, and for my parents. My mum and dad have had a tough year financially, so we all said no presents from them to us grown ups. Between us 6 siblings and spouses, we do Secret Santa, so only one gift to buy/ receive.

My mum is in charge of ‘drawing names’ for Secret Santa. We try to get something lovely and thoughtful that is well matched to the person. This year, something went wrong and my sister in law ended up with two gifts, as she was somehow ‘drawn’ for my sister, and my brother to get the SS gift for her. I was missed out as a result.

When we realised what had happened, it was pretty much just shrugged over with an ‘Oh well’ and I didn’t want to be petty by bringing it up.

AIBU to feel miffed that I haven’t had a single present this year?

OP posts:
OldWomanSaysThis · 26/12/2019 01:56

We stopped doing the SS thing because every year there was a screw-up and someone got left out.

Butterymuffin · 26/12/2019 02:05

I would say that from now on the draw should be done using one of the random Secret Santa name drawing websites (there are a surprising number of these!) or you won't be taking part. I also think that whoever got your sister's name the second time should take back their gift and swap it for one for you, but I see no one has volunteered that. I do feel you've been badly served in this and totally get why you're upset.

StoppinBy · 26/12/2019 02:13

If you are buying for two children for each of your siblings I personally think they are pretty selfish not to give you something in return as you don't have your own children that they buy for.

I can see why you are upset - you are the only one who is always giving without receiving and tat would wear thin on most people.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2019 02:20

@ringletsandtwiglets I hope I am not speaking out of turn in saying that I wonder how recent the news that you cannot have children is?

If that news is relatively recent it may feel very raw with the emphasis of Christmas for the kids etc.

My husband and I had a lot of fertility treatment, we succeeded in having one baby and then (after unsuccessful donor egg treatment over many years) we adopted our young son. If you ever want to talk about these issues, please pm me.

I know I did find Christmas hard before children because of the infertility issues. I may be overstepping the mark and I do apologize this is the case. You have every right to feel royally pissed off about this mix up and your lack of presents aside from any other issues.

Thanks
foamrolling · 26/12/2019 02:22

Yeah I think your siblings are out of line not getting you anything when you buy for the kids. Not buying for grown ups is a great rule when everyone has kids but it's pretty shit to apply it when one couple don't have any.

Dolorabelle · 26/12/2019 07:16

YANBU. Poor you.

Why didn’t your SiL immediately give you one of hers? How thoughtless and selfish of her.

Flowers and Cake for you. Your family has been rather mean to you.

Marmitepasta · 26/12/2019 07:30

Yeah it's a bit disappointing but I would just get over it. It was a mix up and you are an adult.

Yeahnah2020 · 26/12/2019 07:37

Your sister is a CF for not giving you one gift. Or she could have bought you something!!

gingersausage · 26/12/2019 07:49

A grown adult being told to “treat themselves to something lovely” is so fucking twee. It’s just buying yourself something FFS. Like you do when you are a grown woman with your own money. It’s not the same as being bought a present by someone else, who for a brief moment at least, thought about you.

OP, your SIL is a thoughtless twat and you and your husband need to buy each other presents in future. Mind you, I don’t understand why you didn’t say to your mum and SIL “Oi, where’s mine then?“. If I’d been your SIL and neither of the presents were suitable, I’d have given you one to exchange for something else.

OceanSunFish · 26/12/2019 07:50

YANBU to feel disappointed OP. Christmas is about giving not receiving, but it’s rubbish not to have a single present after your thoughtful presents to others. I think you and Mr Twiglet need to buy for each other in future.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 26/12/2019 07:52

Your mum and sister in law should have immediately stepped up and offered to sort this out.
your SIL is not badly off if I’ve understood correctly. She should get you something.

FredaFrogspawn · 26/12/2019 07:53

It’s not the lack of a gift as such but the casual way they dismissed your feelings after you had bought so much for the children in the family. And nothing at all in return. It’s a bit shameful to treat a kind aunt that way. I’d be hurt by that too.

Iggly · 26/12/2019 07:54

I don’t understand why your dh doesn’t get you anything?

We do secret Santa but as DH and I are also a separate family unit we also gift each other

FredaFrogspawn · 26/12/2019 07:54

If that happened in most families, people would be mortified and trying to make it up.

happytoday73 · 26/12/2019 07:55

Mr T should get you a gift each year no matter what.
In our family we buy for any adult sibling who doesn't have kids... And they just buy for siblings kids. This should be your rule as well as SS

sycamore54321 · 26/12/2019 07:58

That does sound hurtful.
I wonder will SIL sort something out privately on returning one of the gifts or offering you something instead. It would have been quite awkward for her to do so on the spot, as she would have presumably offended one or other of the people who had her in the draw by giving away their present.

But it does sound like nobody considered your feelings and that is hurtful.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2019 08:00

Yanbu
How close are you? Can you say something to your siblings along the lines of “I cannot have the gift of a child. It’s upsetting that year on year no one thinks to give me a gift in return for the gifts I give and doubly so that my feelings were so easily dismissed yesterday.”

Ponoka7 · 26/12/2019 08:07

@gingersausage

"A grown adult being told to “treat themselves to something lovely” is so fucking twee. It’s just buying yourself something FFS. Like you do when you are a grown woman with your own money"

Not everyone has disposable income to buy things that aren't practically needed.

When I'd been widowed with three children, I used to use Christmas as a way of getting something I wouldn't have bought for myself, but wanted. Likewise birthday's. I was an 'Adult woman' with money who couldn't dream of spending it 'on something lovely'.

I could see why one of the gifts might not be wanted by the OP. It could be Harry Potter themed etc. If it was taken out of the box and all of the tags removed etc, it can't be exchanged.

The Mother is so hard up, she hasn't taken part.

It's an honest mistake.

OP you and your DH need to start giving each other gifts.

Thehollyandtheirony · 26/12/2019 08:16

It’s cheeky for the parents not to buy you a present when you buy for their kids. They could label it from the kids to get around the secret Santa rule.
Also, what is your husband playing at? Don’t stand for it. Christmas isn’t just for children, it’s a time to brighten up dark winter days and show our loved ones how important they are.

diddl · 26/12/2019 08:16

I get why you're upset.

I think if your parents couldn't afford then to me SS seems odd just so that adults have something to open on CD.

I'm sure other couples bought each other things if they wanted to didn't they?

It's unfortunate that you also got nothing from your husband yesterday.

Stoic123 · 26/12/2019 08:17

I’m sorry to hear this and fair that you have had a mope.

Mistakes like this are usually brushed off to spare the person who made it any embarrassment... though doesn’t help person on the receiving end. Culturally (in UK at least), ‘not making a fuss’ seems to trump disappointment or hurt.

One to chalk down to experience and, as PPs say, reason to change proceedings next year.

Enjoy Boxing Day.

chocatoo · 26/12/2019 08:34

I too would be upset. I would say ‘let’s knock secret Santa on the head next year and just get for the kids - I know we are the only ones with no kids so if the kids want to get us something tiny in return that would be lovely'

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 26/12/2019 08:35

Your siblings should be buying you presents from your nephews & nieces.
I hope next year they do better

midep · 26/12/2019 08:40

Hopefully your SIL will send you something to make up for her receiving your gift. Any decent person would surely.

Vulpine · 26/12/2019 08:40

I think its mean it wasn't rectified. I dont care how old you are, no-one should go without a present