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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Secret Santa mix up

153 replies

ringletsandtwiglets · 26/12/2019 00:19

I have two siblings, both married with two kids each. Mr Twiglet and I can’t have children of our own.

At Christmas, I buy presents for my four nephews and nieces, and for my parents. My mum and dad have had a tough year financially, so we all said no presents from them to us grown ups. Between us 6 siblings and spouses, we do Secret Santa, so only one gift to buy/ receive.

My mum is in charge of ‘drawing names’ for Secret Santa. We try to get something lovely and thoughtful that is well matched to the person. This year, something went wrong and my sister in law ended up with two gifts, as she was somehow ‘drawn’ for my sister, and my brother to get the SS gift for her. I was missed out as a result.

When we realised what had happened, it was pretty much just shrugged over with an ‘Oh well’ and I didn’t want to be petty by bringing it up.

AIBU to feel miffed that I haven’t had a single present this year?

OP posts:
MrsLinManuelMiranda · 27/12/2019 19:23

Surely SIL could return one gift to giver, so they can get a refund, then they could get you something OP. I organised the secret Santa at work this year, and I was dreading something like this happening. I understand why you feel miffed!

Nomorechickens · 27/12/2019 19:24

It's upsetting when you put a lot of thought into choosing gifts and no-one does the same for you. It makes.youbgeelmunaporeciated

Nomorechickens · 27/12/2019 19:25

Oops phone malfunction. It makes you feel unappreciated I meant to say

Misscromwellrocks · 27/12/2019 19:30

Síl is a bit shit if she happily takes 2 presents and gets you nothing. I'd feel terrible.

Dafspunk · 27/12/2019 19:30

You need to take charge of the SS allocation next year. Ours is as closely regulated and under more scrutiny than the UEFA cup draw.

MulticolourMophead · 27/12/2019 19:31

I think the real reason you needed to mope wasn't the lack of gift as such, it's the dismissal of your feelings, the shrug and "oh well" with no attempt at an apology.

A real apology would at least have left you feeling like they cared, but the shrugging probably made you feel like they didn't really care, and we'd all find that hurtful.

Did your family do anything to help when you were in ICU? Visit at all? A card, or something to show they cared?

While birthdays and Xmas are the usual times to show your appreciation to someone, showing you care to someone who's ill is also important. It's the underlying feeling that you mean something to the person who gives you a gift/does something to help you, and it's the reason we get so many threads around this time as people realise those they love don't exactly care in return. It's not the actual gift but what it symbolises that's important.

Original poster
ringletsandtwiglets · 27/12/2019 19:44

@MulticolourMophead, maybe you’re right. I did feel a bit forgotten, as the only person who didn’t get any present, while I had chosen gifts for everyone else. Mr T and I are quiet people compared with the rest of my family, so I think they assume we can just get by on our own.

OP posts:
treaclepumpkin · 27/12/2019 19:45

By the way, there are free Secret Santa generators online - e.g. www.drawnames.co.uk, plenty of others I'm sure would turn up in a google search - perhaps something to use in future.

You were not BU to feel a bit miffed about it all. I was left out of SS one year at work because the person buying for me just couldn't be bothered I guess. Felt like crap with 60+ people all around me opening their gifts. And for the most part it was ya, but still made me feel rubbish. Just nothing I could really do about it...

MintyMabel · 27/12/2019 19:49

Nobody missed you out on purpose. Simple accident. Just go buy yourself whatever it is you wanted.

Alpal1 · 27/12/2019 19:57

Awwwww. I think it sucks. Very thoughtless of your family to shug it off. Also sorry to hear Mr Twiglet doesn’t do presents.

So..........if you can possibly afford it, I suggest that you go out to the sales and buy yourself something really nice. (In fact, more than one thing if you can afford it as I bet you deserve it).
Then if I were in your shoes I would wear it in front of my family and DH banging on about how its my secret Santa to myself!

Also, I think you should restrict niece and nephew gifts to tokens if you feel unappreciated. It’s not fair otherwise. I am similar to you in that I have lots of nieces and nephews but no kids. We siblings do token gifts in return however. I’m not sure how I would feel if my Christmas was just giving. I would feel taken advantage of.

Properfatty · 27/12/2019 19:57

The analogy is my DP and I exchanged gifts and I gave something of signiifcantly higher value than I received.
How is this analogy in any way similar? You bought a gift and received a gift.
The op was the only person not to receive a gift.
I’d quite happily not exchange gifts but to be the only person not to receive anything due to a mistake and then have it swept under the carpet is pretty shit

Ginger1982 · 27/12/2019 20:06

"I’ve not been able to work for 6 months, so Mr T and I decided no presents this year between us, while I’m on sick pay."

Totally not the point of the thread, but I think Mr T could still have got you something. If my DH had been sick and I'd had to support him financially, I would still have got him a gift. Glad you've moved on from the SS though.

pallisers · 27/12/2019 20:15

Nobody missed you out on purpose. Simple accident. Just go buy yourself whatever it is you wanted.

Even as young children mine were taught and understood the difference between intent and impact. Of course no one intended to make the OP feel forgotten - but the impact was she was forgotten in that moment and she is entitled to feel a little off about it.

ButtercupGirI · 27/12/2019 20:22

It's rubbish isn't it, the person who received the 2nd gift should have offered one to you. Some kid in dd's class read my dd's name wrong last year so one other girl got 2 presents, no one did anything about it, the girl was quite happy to recieving two gifts. It's unfair to my daughter, I know she will offer a gift to someone if she knew who was missing out. We spent £7 that time, never again. This year daughter recieved something still with the price tag (£2.50), I think I will go for the same value next year.

RoseLillian · 27/12/2019 20:35

So sorry about what happened op. Obviously the SS was a complete accident. I think the whole situation is a bit rubbish though. Money is tight due to you being off sick. To the point that you and your DH decide not to get each other gifts. Still you get gifts for you Nieces and Nephews, yet your siblings don’t think they should be getting you something in return? Me and DSis both have kids so just buy for the kids. DH has 3 siblings 1 of which has kids so we just buy for each other’s kids. The 2 that don’t we tell them just to buy for our kids, but we get them a present as it would be wrong not to. They are going to the effort and expense of buying for our kids they should be getting something in return.

I got very little this year as to be honest I didn’t want/ need anything. I didn’t mind as for me it was about watching my young DD’s reactions. If you haven’t got kids though you haven’t got that.

I would have a quiet and calm word with your family about the imbalance.

minisoksmakehardwork · 27/12/2019 20:37

Oh sweetheart that is utterly rubbish! It sounds like it has been a rubbish year for you overall and this has just been the icing on the cake. It's always the smallest straw which breaks a camels back.

I can't believe no one thought to have a quick look and redistribute something, anything. Even if it was a bottle of wine from the fridge tbh.

As for only gifting to DC's. I think that only really works if all the families have children. I'm of the opinion that Christmas is for all and giving is a way of letting someone know you have thought about them. That you appreciate them rather than just being a way to bulk out material desires.

OneMoreForExtra · 27/12/2019 20:38

I do see this. We do a secret Santa with my parents, DS and BIL. My DH is the lowest earner of all of us and chooses thoughtfully, with a lot of planning and effort, and would never undercut the agreed spend (£50). This year he found a beautiful vintage Tatinger ice bucket for my DS and had it shipped from France, helped me with my gift which was unwieldy and took some masterminding, and received... 4 pairs of socks. Nothing was acknowledged so we don't know whether his giver thought the price limit had changed or what, but it was very deflating and I'm a bit hurt on his behalf.

minisoksmakehardwork · 27/12/2019 20:39

@RoseLillian - that's what we do for friends and family who gift to our children. It's our way of letting them know we appreciate them.

paranoidmum2 · 27/12/2019 20:42

Whoever gets OP in next year’s SS will probably not make much effort if they think OP doesn’t care.

I would either not take part ever again or make a fuss now.

Zoejj77 · 27/12/2019 20:44

We went to a family party yesterday and SS was £25 my husband got a £5 bottle of wine and I didn’t get anything (they couldn’t find it) I’ve gone with the it’s better to give than receive in this circumstance

Seashells106 · 27/12/2019 20:58

SIL should hve returned one of the gifts and that person gets a refund and buys present for u. I would feel very hurt not to receive anything. Your mother made a simple mistake but ur SIL is definitely a meenie to keep both gift's.

Butterymuffin · 27/12/2019 21:11

If I were administering a secret Santa and made a mistake so that one person ended up without a gift, I would feel morally obliged to get them one myself as it was my fault they'd missed out. Given that this person was your mother, I'm astonished she didn't do that.

Horehound · 27/12/2019 21:32

I think sil should have accepted one of the gifts and then given the second one back to be returned and then the person to buy for you instead. I can't believe anyone would do anything different tbh!

Poor you, op.

Original poster
ringletsandtwiglets · 27/12/2019 22:59

Hugs and kisses to you all. Thank you for being so sweet! I really am okay now- it’s not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.

I think lots of you are similar to me, though. If I knew someone had been missed out, I’d be mortified and would have to put it right. I like to think that makes us decent people ☺️

OP posts:
nuxe1984 · 28/12/2019 00:05

Mistakes happen. But I think your SIL is the real b*tch here. Having been given a SS present - if she was presented with another one she should have said "I've already had mine, who's not got one" and given it to you. Assuming it was suitable, of course - it may have been clothing that didn't fit. The other alternative would have been to offer you a choice of the two presents.

I think next year you need to buy your SS for yourself - that way you'll get 2 presents :)