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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Secret Santa mix up

153 replies

ringletsandtwiglets · 26/12/2019 00:19

I have two siblings, both married with two kids each. Mr Twiglet and I can’t have children of our own.

At Christmas, I buy presents for my four nephews and nieces, and for my parents. My mum and dad have had a tough year financially, so we all said no presents from them to us grown ups. Between us 6 siblings and spouses, we do Secret Santa, so only one gift to buy/ receive.

My mum is in charge of ‘drawing names’ for Secret Santa. We try to get something lovely and thoughtful that is well matched to the person. This year, something went wrong and my sister in law ended up with two gifts, as she was somehow ‘drawn’ for my sister, and my brother to get the SS gift for her. I was missed out as a result.

When we realised what had happened, it was pretty much just shrugged over with an ‘Oh well’ and I didn’t want to be petty by bringing it up.

AIBU to feel miffed that I haven’t had a single present this year?

OP posts:
SpinjitzuMaster · 26/12/2019 12:27

If I was in SILs shoes and the item was returnable then I'd insist it went back and if not then I'd buy another gift for you myself. Ok, it's not SILs fault but she's benefited at the OPs expense.

Its not really the point but what was the SS budget? Hopefully once the shops are back open someone will do something lovely for you.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 26/12/2019 12:31

Gosh your family sounds shit. You buy presents for their children, spent time in intensive care this year, have had to cope with infertility and when you get missed out from presents they just shrug it off?? I’d be so hurt.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2019 12:40

It is crap. Can you buy something for yourself? You deserve a nice present and you know what you want better than anyone. It was thoughtless of them to not be mortified but people are thoughtless. You are still the awesome person you were before Xmas Smile

Evilmorty · 26/12/2019 12:44

Last year I didn’t get my secret santa present till January, all the items I was given in Xmas day were the wrong size (I’m talking small instead of large, size 3 shoes instead of 6) so were taken off me to replace and I got something entirely different and obviously much cheaper given to me the next month.

Yanbu, it feels awful sitting there watching everyone open stuff when you have nothing.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2019 18:22

I'm so sorry you have been ill @ringletsandtwiglets and glad you are around to celebrate Christmas. But in some ways that is even more reason for people to treat you well and make a fuss of you. I hope you will have things better over the coming days and I really hope your dh will make up for this in some way, even though it is not his fault. Thanks

AvaGrace412 · 26/12/2019 19:34

I don't blame you for being annoyed. Each and every time I've taken part in a secret Santa I've ended up with no gift due to a mix up/lost in post/person buying for me has forgotten about it. I never take part in them anymore.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 26/12/2019 19:47

I think I would've been disappointed too. I have 3 siblings - 1 with 2 DC and 2 with no children. For the sibling with 2 DC we only buy for the children but for the 2 without we buy gifts for. They are both very generious to our children, so we like to buy them something in return

adamski99 · 27/12/2019 17:28

It IS a bit crap but I would be inclined to let this go. The analogy is my DP and I exchanged gifts and I gave something of signiifcantly higher value than I received. Its really no big deal. Just enjoy your Xmas and dont let it eat you up. As a grown up with 2 DCs, for me the focus is very much on them, and its clear that you dote on your nephews and nieces. Just enjoy them and the day...

neekeem · 27/12/2019 17:30

Yanbu in the slightest. It’s the thought that counts and no one thought of you. That’s not fair and I’m sending lots of hugs and chocolates - I’m in the same boat as you, no kids, no gifts received but lots given, so I empathise.

chubbylover78 · 27/12/2019 17:36

I got fuck all as usual, same for birthdays and anniversaries and couldn't care less. Life isn't about useless material crap that you are given, but being lucky enough to be here to spend those special occasions with family and loved ones.

poppy289 · 27/12/2019 17:42

Sorry this has happened to you.

Next year spend slightly less on your nephews and nieces and treat yourself to something you would like.

Jack80 · 27/12/2019 17:48

Buy yourself something and next year you should all be there when the names are pulled out or video call it so everyone just gets one person

Notnownotneverever · 27/12/2019 17:54

Yes that is a bit miserable but not a bit deal. Personally I would just shrug it off and buy myself a little treat in the sales.

Notnownotneverever · 27/12/2019 17:54

*big

Lollypalooza · 27/12/2019 18:04

I wonder if your mum would’ve been so quick to brush it off and say never mind if it had been SIL (her DIL) who didn’t get a present, rather than you- her daughter. She might’ve been more embarrassed or felt more responsible then.

WombatChocolate · 27/12/2019 18:14

It's fine to feel a bit disappointed for about 10 minutes......but then, you quickly get over it and move on, because you know there's just been a mistake and the day is about family and not presents.

Know that if this is really getting to you, it means there are bigger issues - quite likely you are hyper sensitive at the moment, for whatever reason. It was a shame, but that's all - not really a big deal. Those who try to make it into one and feed you feelings of upset by suggesting it was intentional or people acted deliberately unkindly following the mistake don't do you any favours really if they fuel your feelings of insecurity.

As Oprah would say, move on. Choose not to dwell on it and don't feel your worth comes from a secret Santa gift - it really doesn't,

Beastieboys · 27/12/2019 18:26

One year my ex boyfriend aka the idiot hadn't bought me a single thing and I mean absolutely nothing, I'd bought him loads we hadn't fallen out or any thing like that, just being bloody thoughtless. On top of this my parents had given me my big present from them a couple of days early... So there was me sitting with 1 or 2 small gifts, he then saw what presents he'd been bought by me and my family for him guilt started to kick in and random stuff started to appear in front of me. I recognised all of it as coming from my "spare pressie" draw which i had for unexpected visitors. Talc and bubble Bath etc was I bloody mad and told him to stop being a f#####g dick.....

FaveNumberIs2 · 27/12/2019 18:28

I think that is really rude of your sister in law and your mother. I’m sure she wouldn’t be happy if she lost out on a gift, and would be doubly embarrassed to leave out her daughter in law.

I also think it’s rude of your nieces and nephew’s parents not to get you anything from the children, even a £2.50 box of chocs addressed to you and your partner would be appreciated, especially as you go to the trouble of choosing something nice for them.

cherish123 · 27/12/2019 18:38

Did you and DH not get each other anything? I would be miffed but Secret Santa presents are never usually amazing.

cherish123 · 27/12/2019 18:38

Could you not have had one of the ones for SIL?

Sooze58 · 27/12/2019 19:00

If I was SIL, I would by now have gone out and bought you something!

FrenchBoule · 27/12/2019 19:19

So OP has gone through a really tough year.
It’s not about the presents as such, it’s about how little care and thought OP got from her family.
Apologies should be in order and some sort of rectification expected. Shame nobody thought about it which confirms again “I’m alright Jack” attitude.
OP, I would bow out from next year’s SS.
Hope you’ve had some nicer moments over Christmas than this hurtful one.

El2El · 27/12/2019 19:21

I'd be going to buy myself something I wanted! I tend to buy myself a Christmas/birthday present anyway as DM/DF/DB/DH don't always remember/buy thoughtful gifts. But this would definitely merit a little present from me to me!

Original poster
ringletsandtwiglets · 27/12/2019 19:21

Thanks everyone :) I appreciate the sympathy from some of you, and the no-nonsense approach from the rest. I’d managed to ‘move on’ yesterday morning after a bit of a mope on Christmas evening, so it doesn’t seem like such a big deal now. It wasn’t on purpose and the gifts for my SiL were very specific to her hobby, so I wouldn’t have expected her to give one to me.

I’ve not been able to work for 6 months, so Mr T and I decided no presents this year between us, while I’m on sick pay. I was probably just being over sensitive and silly :) All is fine xxx

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 27/12/2019 19:22

It is mean they didn;t rectify it. If I had been your SIL or one of your sibs, the minute you were out of the room I'd have said 'OK everyone we all need to put in a tenner and get something for Twiglet - how awful we missed her out' then as soo as shops opened (or online so even earlier) I'd be getting your something lovely.

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better today though - it is only a gift, but but it is the feeling left out and no one much caring that a mistake had been made. Flowers