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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Secret Santa mix up

153 replies

ringletsandtwiglets · 26/12/2019 00:19

I have two siblings, both married with two kids each. Mr Twiglet and I can’t have children of our own.

At Christmas, I buy presents for my four nephews and nieces, and for my parents. My mum and dad have had a tough year financially, so we all said no presents from them to us grown ups. Between us 6 siblings and spouses, we do Secret Santa, so only one gift to buy/ receive.

My mum is in charge of ‘drawing names’ for Secret Santa. We try to get something lovely and thoughtful that is well matched to the person. This year, something went wrong and my sister in law ended up with two gifts, as she was somehow ‘drawn’ for my sister, and my brother to get the SS gift for her. I was missed out as a result.

When we realised what had happened, it was pretty much just shrugged over with an ‘Oh well’ and I didn’t want to be petty by bringing it up.

AIBU to feel miffed that I haven’t had a single present this year?

OP posts:
HermioneMakepeace · 26/12/2019 08:40

My DH is the most rational, unsentimental person I’ve ever known. But he was accidentally missed out of the work Secret Santa and he was absolutely gutted. So I get it OP.

tillytrotter1 · 26/12/2019 08:41

Elfster is your 2020 friend!

MiniEggAddiction · 26/12/2019 08:45

YANBU. It sounds like a nice part of Christmas to get a sweet thoughtful gift and you missed out.

Original poster
ringletsandtwiglets · 26/12/2019 09:18

Thank you everyone for your kind and considerate replies. I've had a sleep and I'm feeling much less sorry for myself this morning :)

Greyhound, it's not recent news, but you did make me consider something else. I've been a bit ill this year and had a number of weeks in intensive care this summer. I suppose I should count my blessings that I'm here to enjoy Christmas at all!

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 26/12/2019 09:22

Ah mistakes happen, just move on.

Christmas isn't about what's under the tree for you, it's about who's around the tree with you.

katewhinesalot · 26/12/2019 09:24

At the very least she should have asked one of the present givers to return their gift for a refund and then promise to buy you a present later on. Then at least you'd have felt better even if you declined the offer.

katewhinesalot · 26/12/2019 09:24

And why didn't dh buy you anything?

dementedpixie · 26/12/2019 09:25

I think your dh should have bought you something. I also think if you have no children but are buying for someone else's child/ children then their parents should get you something too. I buy for my childless brother as he gets my kids something

Embracelife · 26/12/2019 09:27

Look up

Secret santa generator online

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2019 09:28

You spent time in icu this year. Did your siblings and in laws treat you kindly?

fedup21 · 26/12/2019 09:33

Did you buy Mr T a gift? Does he normally buy for you?

rainbowstardrops · 26/12/2019 09:37

I can totally understand why you're feeling a bit left out and down about this.
If I'd have ballsed up the SS then I'd be falling over myself apologising and saying I'd get you a gift myself, not just shrugging!
Or the SIL with two presents should offer to buy you something. SOMEONE should have bloody offered!
I hope you get a present to open today Thanks

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2019 09:54

I think it's a bit tight that you spend lots on their families and they don't buy you anything anyway, aside from the SS.

Lulualla · 26/12/2019 10:02

If that happened to my sister, I would just go out today and get her something. Or order something to arrive before new years.
I think that fact that nobody has actually thought "that's shiitty, she is my family and I'm going to do something about it" is the what really sticks.
It's very very mean.

Why didn't your husband get you gifts? Do you not do gifts with each other? Maybe have a conversation about that.

NataliaOsipova · 26/12/2019 10:04

I think its mean it wasn't rectified.

In fairness, that can be quite difficult to do on the spot....especially if two people have bought something specifically for another person. Two boxes of chocolates or hand cream? Easy to give one to the OP. But if SIL is a huge Arsenal fan and it’s a football shirt and a “beat ever goals” DVD and the OP hates football, it’s tricky!

What’s the spend limit on the Secret Santa? If it’s a tenner, then I’m in the “unfortunate mistake but they happen” camp. If it’s, say, £50, then I think the OP can rightly feel a bit aggrieved....

Magpies2forJoy · 26/12/2019 10:11

If it won't break the bank, treat yourself OP, and let it be known that you bought yourself..... whatever, Tom Ford's Vert Boheme. Let them know that you spent money on yourself

Littletabbyocelot · 26/12/2019 10:14

We have childfree friends/family who buy for our kids and not us. We buy something for them. I know Christmas isn't about presents but the presents are a way of showing you care. It's appalling manners to just take for your kids and be happy giving nothing in return.

gingerbiscuits · 26/12/2019 10:18

I'd feel the same if I was you - that's horrid.

It annoys me so much when people keep insisting that Christmas is about children & adults don't need presents etc. (I say this as a parent of a pre-teen!) Who decreed this? At what age do you have to suddenly not get anything & not care about it? Nobody actually 'needs' presents anyway - even kids - but it's Christmas! Why do people keep trying to suck the joy out of it?? It's about stopping for a moment, celebrating with friends/family & being thoughtful/appreciative etc. Everyone deserves at least 1 decent gift - there's plenty out there which doesn't cost much or doesn't destroy the planet or whatever!!

Merry Christmas OP! X

emilybrontescorsett · 26/12/2019 10:26

I would only do ss next year if a better system is used and not your mother doing it.
I think you and your husband should buy for each other. This might mean cutting down on how much you spend on nephews and neices. Therefore but then a cheaper, more generic gift such as a selection box.
It isn't up to the sil to buy an extra as gift, she has already bought one.
I agree totally with Natalia if the sil were very specification then she can't give one to the op.

On a side note I took part in, and often organised, my works ss.
Nobody was ever missed out.
We had a good system in place and virtually everybody received and gave very thoughtful, individual non generic gifts.

VividImagination · 26/12/2019 10:33

Don’t do the secret santa next year. Buy token gifts for your nieces and nephews and you and your Dh exchange gifts. I’m glad you’re feeling better today. Christmas is such a stressful time Flowers

louderthan1 · 26/12/2019 10:33

Maybe your sil should get you a late present?
She was lucky enough to get two presents so maybe she should buy two??

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/12/2019 10:34

YANBU to be a little upset.
I agree that it may be time for someone else to take over organising the Secret Santa though, if your mum can't get it right. Yes, it might have been a one-off, but do you want to run that risk again next year?

CallmeAngelina · 26/12/2019 10:34

I don't blame you for feeling fed up about being missed out (which sounds like a mistake - no one meant to upset you). That must have been disappointing.
But you might not have felt so bad if you had at least had gifts from your husband. Why do you and he not exchange presents?

emilybrontescorsett · 26/12/2019 12:14

It isn't the sil fault, so why should she buy an extra gift?
The op has already explained that both sil's gifts were very specific so therefore useless to The op