AIBU?
Merry Fucking Christmas
ScrewThat · 25/12/2019 18:19
I've NC for this but am a regular. I just need to vent/cry really. I know I'm not being unreasonable.
Me and DP of over 5 years live separately, currently long distance. This is (was) a temporary thing involving very complicated logistics (that would be extremely outing to describe). Our relationship has had some very tough patches - addiction issues from him which he seems to be getting on top of. Due to the complicated logistics we have had quite limited contact over the past three months - we knew in advance this would be the case and that it would be tough but it is due to come to an end in about a month so seemed do-able. Because of the same complicated logistics we were having to spend Christmas apart. I last heard from him about a week ago. All seemed fine.
Anyway this morning I spoke to him on the phone. This was unexpected as a close friend was in crisis. While on the phone he told me he has met someone else. He says he has known her for years and got back in touch with each other a few weeks ago and got closer. They got together a week or so ago and he considers her to be his girlfriend.
Almost no explanation given. No remorse, not even sorry that I've been hurt. While the logistical issues make contact difficult, there are ways he could have got in touch to talk about something serious like this. I'm fuming at him that he didn't and hurt that he has been stringing me along. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. I had no suspicion of anything like this and (again because of the difficult logistics) we only got a few minutes to talk before he had to go and I had to turn on the happy face for family Christmas. I've since found out he has blocked me on the phone and on all social media, probably on email too. I'm angry and hurt about that too. I wasn't nasty with him this morning (more gob-smacked) and had stayed rather calm just saying we would need to talk next time we got the opportunity. He said he didn't want to talk, but I feel that blocking me really is the coward's way out.
I don't know what to say. I'm gutted and I just needed somewhere to vent. Today isn't the day to share it with friends, and even when it is the right time I know that a lot of my friends feel I should have given up years ago with the addiction issues.
Merry fucking Christmas
for you.TooManyPaws · 25/12/2019 18:28
What a total and utter knob. Is there anyone in your family that you can talk to about it even if you don't want everyone to know at the moment? I know it's not what you want to hear just now but you've dodged fate there as someone who can bin a partner of five years so easily is not someone you want to be with. I hope your friends will be sympathetic to you even if they're thinking 'told you so'. Start afresh with your head held high as he is a tosser who never deserved you. ❤️
MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/12/2019 18:34
Him blocking you is better for you in the long run, although you won't feel like that now. There is nothing he could say that would make this better for you. He no longer wants to be with you and that's that. Him blocking has drawn a firm line and you at least know it's final.
MN is wonderful for support. There is a breakup thread on Relationships.
ScrewThat · 25/12/2019 18:34
Thank you everyone. I'm in bits TBH and keep trying to hide in the bedroom for ten minutes so the kids (mine not his, but he was very close to) don't see me crying. I phoned one friend very briefly - my fantastic acerbic-tongued gay male friend of many years. He made me promise never to take him back.
sue51 · 25/12/2019 18:35
After 5 years and supporting him through his addiction, you deserve better than this. He knows it and is too cowardly to speak to you properly. He is not worth the time and effort you put into the relationship. Move onwards and upwards, a loser like him would only drag you down.
ScrewThat · 25/12/2019 18:39
Oh and the friend in crisis also knows because this came out during a three-way conversation while were trying to sort out his crisis. Friend (formerly his friend, now friend of both of us) really was in huge crisis and it needed something DP could help with to try to sort it. I'm devastated by that too. Both me and his friend deserved better from him.
KurriKurri · 25/12/2019 18:45
To me telling you on Christmas Day is an act of deliberate cruelty. There was no need for it to be today - but he chose this day to tell you. You are well rid of him, a decent kind person would not behave the way he has done, he is a coward and a cruel one.
I know you feel devastated now -but that's because it has come as a shock, once you are past that you will start getting angry as you see him for the bastard he is. Listen to your friend, you are worth so much more than this loser.
ScrewThat · 25/12/2019 18:47
I guess in his defence (ha ha!!!) he didn't intend to do it on Christmas Day. If it hadn't been for his friend in crisis we wouldn't have been in a position to speak to each other on Christmas Day. I did ask him when he had been planning to tell me. He said he didn't know, probably next time he saw me in person - so that would have been about a month then!!!! Dick. Complete dick.
MrsWhites · 25/12/2019 18:48
So he ended your relationship over a three way conversation with a mutual friend, in crisis, on Christmas Day? Wow, that’s low!
Thing is though OP it doesn’t sound like that great of a relationship, despite the logistics, to not talk to your partner for a week seems strange to me. I think you are better off out of this one! Find someone who can offer you a proper supportive relationship!
strictlymomdancing · 25/12/2019 18:53
from the little you have revealed, I'm surprised that you are surprised. You don't live together, and it was a long distance relationship? these things make an affair (or even secret marriage) very likely. I've seen it happen to countless friends and family. Its extremely naive. He's also an ex addict so not the most trustworthy or responsible of people either.
Sucks to be dumped, especially on christmas day, but learn from it.
alwaysmovingforwards · 25/12/2019 18:54
OP, really sorry to hear this, hope you're ok.
Genuine question but why is he a coward to block and delete if he feels there's nothing more to speak about?
It's recommended on MN all the time when ending a relationship to then block and delete him.
ScrewThat · 25/12/2019 18:56
to not talk to your partner for a week seems strange to me
This situation wasn't him being funny with me or wanting out. It's hard to describe without being outing but it is kind of a short-term work contract thing where communication is very difficult unless it is an emergency when they can be accommodating (hence today). It wasn't something he had any say over and we were both in agreement that while it would be difficult it would be something manageable given that it it would be limited duration.
ScrewThat · 25/12/2019 19:00
You don't live together, and it was a long distance relationship
We have lived together and the plan was to live together again. As I said it is very complicated to explain (and very identifying if I say too much) but the closest thing I can describe it as is if you imagine we lived together and planned to move but then he took a short-term contract somewhere else with the plan that when this was up he would then live with us again. Being long-distance was a temporary financial thing. He has definitely never cheated in the past.
strictlymomdancing · 25/12/2019 19:00
so he's in the military or something?
BIL is in the military. The number of married men in the military who are doing the 'girl in every port' thing is disgusting. Furthermore, they tend to have both wives and girlfriends.
And they all protect each other too.
BIL is quite high ranking and has had to discipline / dismiss countless people because it is against the rules or something like that.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.