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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Merry Fucking Christmas

103 replies

ScrewThat · 25/12/2019 18:19

I've NC for this but am a regular. I just need to vent/cry really. I know I'm not being unreasonable.

Me and DP of over 5 years live separately, currently long distance. This is (was) a temporary thing involving very complicated logistics (that would be extremely outing to describe). Our relationship has had some very tough patches - addiction issues from him which he seems to be getting on top of. Due to the complicated logistics we have had quite limited contact over the past three months - we knew in advance this would be the case and that it would be tough but it is due to come to an end in about a month so seemed do-able. Because of the same complicated logistics we were having to spend Christmas apart. I last heard from him about a week ago. All seemed fine.

Anyway this morning I spoke to him on the phone. This was unexpected as a close friend was in crisis. While on the phone he told me he has met someone else. He says he has known her for years and got back in touch with each other a few weeks ago and got closer. They got together a week or so ago and he considers her to be his girlfriend.

Almost no explanation given. No remorse, not even sorry that I've been hurt. While the logistical issues make contact difficult, there are ways he could have got in touch to talk about something serious like this. I'm fuming at him that he didn't and hurt that he has been stringing me along. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. I had no suspicion of anything like this and (again because of the difficult logistics) we only got a few minutes to talk before he had to go and I had to turn on the happy face for family Christmas. I've since found out he has blocked me on the phone and on all social media, probably on email too. I'm angry and hurt about that too. I wasn't nasty with him this morning (more gob-smacked) and had stayed rather calm just saying we would need to talk next time we got the opportunity. He said he didn't want to talk, but I feel that blocking me really is the coward's way out.

I don't know what to say. I'm gutted and I just needed somewhere to vent. Today isn't the day to share it with friends, and even when it is the right time I know that a lot of my friends feel I should have given up years ago with the addiction issues.

Merry fucking Christmas

OP posts:
Oneborneverydecade · 25/12/2019 23:24

Is it possible he has incorrectly assumed that you were unaffected because of your (understandably, given the circumstances) calm response to his news? That he's made himself the victim because you weren't obviously devastated and feels justified in blocking you?
It's shit but I have to agree with pp he's not worth having. I hope you and the kids are okay

Original poster
ScrewThat · 25/12/2019 23:24

@MrsWhites..... the way I paraphrased it earlier wasn't quite accurate - the slip up actually came in response to something the mutual friend said (along the lines of "How do you know X hotel???? What do you mean you've been there???") To be honest friend was not in a good way emotionally because of his own issues, but he was just shocked. He had also not expected this either, and has been even more shocked when I've spoken to him later in the day to find out that DP had blocked me. I know he told DP that he needs to talk to me at some point, before DP then blocked me and DP hadn't said anything in response that indicated he was planning on blocking me.

DP promised me he would stay with the friend (who was not in a good way at all because of his own crisis and needed looking after). He left as soon as friend left the room and texted him to say his head was fucked. This is one of very few friends who stood by him through the addiction issues and even had him stay with him at one point some years ago when DP would literally have been on the streets. As far as I know this is the first time friend has ever needed anything in return, so I think he is also pretty shocked and hurt that that DP just walked out and left him after promising me he would stay with him. Friend has been through something really traumatic, I've found out my DP is cheating on me.... and yet he is the one whose "head is fucked"????

OP posts:
Illcallbacklater · 25/12/2019 23:34

How old are your DC OP? My exP (not my DD's dad) lived with us, and then moved out as he was a bit of a leech and it put a strain on things but we were seeing how things went. We split up a few months later, and I just didn't tell DD. She asked after him a few times and I said "oh... I don't know when we'll see him" and she didn't ask again after a while and has forgotten about it really. Not to tell you how to live your life, but if they're young enough just don't make a big show about it to your DC and they won't be so upset.

He sounds like a mess, he's treated you and your mutual friend badly and it's crap that it's come out over Christmas but write it off for this year and start the new year with a clean slate. I know nothing has really changed overnight from the 31st to the 1st but it can feel like it has if that makes sense so try look at it like that. He's childish blocking you, but what is there to talk about? Does he have belongings at yours, are there any legal things that need taking care of?

Original poster
ScrewThat · 25/12/2019 23:41

@Illcallbacklater DC are secondary school age. Right now I can't even think what is where but I suspect we both have some stuff at each other's places. Nothing legal to sort out. In some ways I wish there was. At least then he would be forced to face me

OP posts:
IndieTara · 25/12/2019 23:42

Op i know it doesn't feel it but you and your DC really have had a lucky escape

BritWifeinUSA · 25/12/2019 23:51

Is he in prison?

maisienminnie · 25/12/2019 23:55

Cowardly, mean spirited and weak. So sorry this happened to you - he sounds like a liability.

Original poster
ScrewThat · 26/12/2019 00:07

Is he in prison?

No. The question about whether he was in the military earlier was closer. Not quite spot-on but closer. Except its not permanent, its time-limited. Like consultancy for the military. But not that (if that even exists!) if that makes sense.

OP posts:
paulinespeaksmanylanguages · 26/12/2019 00:33

You must be feeling wretched and confused, made worse by him blocking you on social media.

Would you feel better if you could write to him, get all your thoughts on paper-not with a view to having him back but just so that at least you don't feel your voice has been silenced.

Something similar happened to me many years ago and I went to where I knew he would be to try and talk to him. It was a horrible mistake and I wished I had just written to him.

Mind you, I barely think of the tosser now and you will be in the same situation one day, maybe not immediately or soon but one day.

hawaiianturtle · 26/12/2019 00:51

As someone who was with an addict/recovering addict for 10 years (6 using, 4 clean) I can tell you that you've had a lucky escape. Even when clean it's bloody hard work. As you probably know most of the work comes from you not them. Definitely good to be completely no contact. You deserve much happiness and you will have it once this pain is over. Sending hugs xxx

BritWifeinUSA · 26/12/2019 01:39

I’m just surprised that someone who is still having issues with addiction is being employed as a “consultant for the military”. And that someone with such a position is limited to the amount of time they can spend on the phone and the contact they have with others. I’m still saying it sounds like prison to me. Or rehab.

timeisnotaline · 26/12/2019 06:31

britwifeintheusa the op says he’s NOT consultant for the military, she’s trying to use comparative examples to give a feel for what his job is.

LazyDaisey · 26/12/2019 06:49

I think people are trying to work out the job because they suspect that what he’s told you about limited contact is actually bullshit. And he’s been in contact with this woman frequently during his assignment, feeding you this limited contact lie.

Original poster
ScrewThat · 26/12/2019 07:40

Thank you to everyone for all the support. I have re-read the messages this morning as I am really floundering. I've had a crap night's sleep and just want to cry. The first thing I did this morning is check social media to see whether I'm still blocked (I am!) and I hate myself for feeling like that and doing that.

I’m just surprised that someone who is still having issues with addiction is being employed as a “consultant for the military”. And that someone with such a position is limited to the amount of time they can spend on the phone and the contact they have with others. I’m still saying it sounds like prison to me. Or rehab

@BritWifeinUSA
It's not the military. I'm being deliberately vague because it would be identifying. I actually said Like consultancy for the military. But not that It's something similar-ish in terms of contact being an issue. It's not an exact match and if people start looking for holes in that story they will find them - but that's because it isn't easy to explain or offer a direct comparable without saying what it is, not because he is lying to me about that. He's not in prison. Or rehab.

And as far as I know he isn't still having issues with addiction. Again I have said that. Though now I'm questioning everything. The idea of him cheating on me is so out of character, but much more like the kind of thing he would do when he did have addiction issues (impulsive, suddenly becoming very committed to an idea that hadn't previously entered his head, etc) that it has made me question everything. Plus I wonder whether this could be a different side to the addiction issues - he has always been in (very affectionate) contact with me before. Maybe he can't cope without getting that from somewhere. Maybe that's part of the addictive personality thing. I don't know. My mind is whirring with questions that I will probably never get answers to.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrewThat · 26/12/2019 07:43

@LazyDaisey

I think people are trying to work out the job because they suspect that what he’s told you about limited contact is actually bullshit. And he’s been in contact with this woman frequently during his assignment, feeding you this limited contact lie

Again I'm trying not to be too specific. The fact that he can have limited contact with me is definitely not bullshit. Following the addiction issues he had real problems getting a job, and had a few short-term minimum wage type jobs he hated. This is the first job he has had since then with the prospect of looking good on a CV. This is a field of work connected to the field he was originally employed in pre-addiction issues. The friend who was in crisis yesterday helped him get the job and is there with him. (The 3 way conversation yesterday was actually guiding DP to where friend was in the middle of his crisis).

There lack of contact and who it applies to is hard to define. There is a geographical issue which if that didn't apply to this woman maybe she could have more frequent message-type contact than me. I don't know who she is - I have no clue at all (especially seeing as I am now blocked on social media) - but as he said they are old friends and have got back in touch it is also possible that she is in the same line of work as him and that they have been in touch through that, though she definitely isn't working for the same company as him. And it isn't very likely that they have physically met up apart from in the past week or so. I guess it is possible but that would have involved a really elaborate set of lies to friend as well as me, and lies that I'd have thought he would have been caught out on (in terms of not doing his job).

OP posts:
Straightintoit · 26/12/2019 07:50

What a fucking shit.

QOD · 26/12/2019 08:00

So you lived together properly before? And when he went off to this job he took literally everything?

MrsWhites · 26/12/2019 08:07

Situations like this are always harder a few days in because you start questioning things and looking for a reason etc, your mind goes into overdrive. In a way it’s probably best that he’s blocked you but hurtful and frustrating all the same.

He sounds incredibly selfish to both you and the mutual friend who seems to have done an awful lot for him in the past. I hope this new ‘girlfriend’ knows what she’s letting herself in for!

Original poster
ScrewThat · 26/12/2019 08:18

So you lived together properly before? And when he went off to this job he took literally everything?

No. Not quite like that. This is going to be quite difficult to stay vague but I'll try. We did live together in city A. I worked. He went between temporary minimum wage jobs and no jobs. We decided to move to small town B (some distance away) for a promotion in my job and to be near my family. Just as we had committed to move friend put in a bid for a piece of work - a specific project that would last about 18 months and said that if he got it he could employ DP on it. The project involved working for about a year in city A (planning/developing project) then 4 months in place C a completely different location (where contact would be different) then a couple of months back in city A. So I moved family home as planned to town B. DP remained living in city A with someone we both know (again being deliberately vague) with a plan that when this job ended he would join us in town B. He is currently in place C. We saw him regularly when he was in city A - it is too far to commute but not too far to have good contact. I am certain he did not meet up with this woman when he was in city A. He may have been in message/social media contact but he was either with us or on Facetime to us, or at work with friend or at home with the other person we know the whole time. He never went out. Literally never. Mainly because of previous addiction issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrewThat · 26/12/2019 08:37

@MrsWhites Yes I just feel broken today. Not angry anymore. Just completely broken and very very sad and confused. I have so many many many questions. Nothing makes sense anymore and the life I thought I had (and was going to have) is gone.

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 26/12/2019 08:43

If the life you thought you had is gone, focus on getting a better one x

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 26/12/2019 08:45

OP I am so sorry for you but you will get your answers...hang on in there.Men who do this often get back in touch after a while.The reason they do this is because of their stupid over blown sense of how fking important they think they are. His head is as messed up as yours is in different ways and he has had his ego stroked. Your messed up because you have had a terrible shock and you are hurt and confused.He meanwhile thinks hes gonna try the greener grass on the other side and is not thinking straight. I would advise you sit back do nothing but work on yourself and then when he does get back intouch after a time then you are in a stronger position to tell him where to get fucked to.,or otherwise!! Do nothing,focus on you and the kids and men like him who do shiity things like this cannot help themselves so will be back in touch in some way..their own ego and sense of importance means he wont be able to stop himself from calling you..hopefully by then the shock will have worn off you and the devestation you will be handling better and then it will be a case of on your bike mate ..too little too late! Look after you and the kids ..say and do nothing excpet believe in yourself ..you can handle this.At the end of the day he has fucked up massively but you are decent and kind and strong and you can make it with or without him....the man is a fool.You deserve more.

MiniEggAddiction · 26/12/2019 08:52

He's a cunt. Onwards and upwards OP at least you know you're not missing out long term, you're 100% better off without this waste of space. Must really hurt though.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/12/2019 09:10

I'm thinking something like an Antarctic survey team - time limited, geographically remote, obstacles to communication, and very difficult to meet new women! Maybe not exactly that but that sort of thing.

Clearly he was much closer to this "old friend" than he admitted to; either she has been a bit on the side for a while or (perhaps more likely) they used to be an item and have just slipped back to how they were. That probably makes it feel less like cheating to him, although it plainly is.

Anyway, what sucks is that you and your mutual friend stuck by him while he had problems, and now it looks as though payback should be coming in terms of a good relationship for you and some support from the friend, he's buggered off to do his own thing. Sometimes addicts aren't selfish because they're addicts, but addicts because they're selfish. And now you know. What a horrible way and time to find out. Flowers

Original poster
ScrewThat · 26/12/2019 10:30

@Anniegetyourgun - The Antarctic Survey Team is probably a better analogy than my military one. I just came up with that one because someone asked if was the military. It's not as exciting as the Antarctic Survey Team though. Thanks you for this as well Sometimes addicts aren't selfish because they're addicts, but addicts because they're selfish - that really hit home

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe - your last two sentences really touched me. Thank you

OP posts: