Merry Fucking Christmas

[ScrewThat]

I've NC for this but am a regular. I just need to vent/cry really. I know I'm not being unreasonable.

Me and DP of over 5 years live separately, currently long distance. This is (was) a temporary thing involving very complicated logistics (that would be extremely outing to describe). Our relationship has had some very tough patches - addiction issues from him which he seems to be getting on top of. Due to the complicated logistics we have had quite limited contact over the past three months - we knew in advance this would be the case and that it would be tough but it is due to come to an end in about a month so seemed do-able. Because of the same complicated logistics we were having to spend Christmas apart. I last heard from him about a week ago. All seemed fine.

Anyway this morning I spoke to him on the phone. This was unexpected as a close friend was in crisis. While on the phone he told me he has met someone else. He says he has known her for years and got back in touch with each other a few weeks ago and got closer. They got together a week or so ago and he considers her to be his girlfriend.

Almost no explanation given. No remorse, not even sorry that I've been hurt. While the logistical issues make contact difficult, there are ways he could have got in touch to talk about something serious like this. I'm fuming at him that he didn't and hurt that he has been stringing me along. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. I had no suspicion of anything like this and (again because of the difficult logistics) we only got a few minutes to talk before he had to go and I had to turn on the happy face for family Christmas. I've since found out he has blocked me on the phone and on all social media, probably on email too. I'm angry and hurt about that too. I wasn't nasty with him this morning (more gob-smacked) and had stayed rather calm just saying we would need to talk next time we got the opportunity. He said he didn't want to talk, but I feel that blocking me really is the coward's way out.

I don't know what to say. I'm gutted and I just needed somewhere to vent. Today isn't the day to share it with friends, and even when it is the right time I know that a lot of my friends feel I should have given up years ago with the addiction issues.

Merry fucking Christmas

[ScrewThat]

Genuine question but why is he a coward to block and delete if he feels there's nothing more to speak about

The conversation we had about this lasted about 5 minutes and had someone else present throughout. It was clear he hadn't planned to tell me - it just slipped out. Because of the other person (in the middle of an emergency) present during our conversation there was very little that could be said or asked. I honestly think that after 5 years he owed me a little bit more than that. Maybe IABU. I know he later bailed on the friend (who is in a real crisis) saying his "head is fucked"!!!!

[zasknbg]

Well the other woman has certainly won the booby prize here. Try to tell yourself that in the long term you will be better off.

[hifolks]

Sorry, do you have children......if not.....a lucky escape.

[ScrewThat]

so he's in the military or something

Not quite military but (without completely outing myself) similar-ish temporary contract type thing. Job he does isn't obviously linked to that field so the contact issue isn't usually a factor. Just this one time.

[ScrewThat]

Sorry, do you have children

I do. He doesn't. He is very close my children. They will be gutted. Haven't told them yet. They don't need to know today. They deserve Christmas and they were sad enough he couldn't be here. They aren't expecting to see him for a month.

[LarkDescending]

Sorry he’s turned out to such a total arsehole OP - and a cowardly one at that. I hope there’s something much better in your future.

[BuffaloCauliflower]

What an absolute cunt.

[pollyglot]

So sorry about the shitty timing, OP. But please hold on to the fact that you will find someone else much more deserving of you than this total waste of space.

[Bluerussian]

I am so, so sorry, Screw. What a blow on Christmas day, the last thing you expected in your stocking.

It's hard now but, trust me, you will move on.

Bless you. x

[SonjaMorgan]

Similar thing happened to my friend. Husband was in the forces, he was deployed and met up with a colleague he hadn't seen for quite some years.

You are better off without him, it is disgusting the way he has acted but it is better than stringing you along for years whilst cheating and lying.

[Inliverpool1]

Honestly, I may be a cunt but this is why I do not give addicts the time of day. When you’ve sorted yourself out come back kinda thing because I believe literally only they can fix themselves and everyone else is being used until the point where the penny drops and they do so. You can’t get back the wasted years but please please don’t put yourself through this

[mathanxiety]

alwaysmovingforwards if the partner was abusive, yes, block and protect yourself. If you've cheated on someone after/during a five year relationship however, you owe them an explanation. You owe them answers to whatever questions they have. You owe them an ear to curse into.

[ScrewThat]

Thank you @mathanxiety I agree. Especially where there are children involved - even if not the children of both of you. Clearly he doesn't agree.

[sonjadog]

It is very upsetting and I can absolutely understand why you are so hurt, but I think you may look back and think you dodged a bullet here.

[ChangedMyNameYetAgain]

What a shit.
Might not be what you want to hear but You Are Better Off Without Him.

Been there, only he didn't tell me. I never got an explanation. Years of my life seemed to have been a lie. Ended badly.

I survived. The breakup thread on here helped enormously.

Block, go NC and thank your lucky stars you are rid of him.

A huge virtual hug to you OP.

[gingersausage]

There are no “logistical issues” that give you the excuse to shit all over your partner of five years. He’s a pathetic coward.

I know your friend is in “crisis” too, but you need to concentrate on yourself and your children now. I hope you feel better soon.

[Lifeisabeach09]

He is spineless and it was a really shitty thing to do.
Lucky escape, OP. You really don't want someone who treats you like that as a life partner.
Fuck him!
Move on.

[ScrewThat]

I think if it had happened after a few months I'd have felt like I'd dodged a bullet, but after 5 years I'm just angry and devastated. I think the way it was done didn't help, he clearly didn't intend to tell me. He just said something (in passing, while dealing with friend's emergency) that was contradictory to something he had told me previously. I said "but I thought you told me...." and he went really quiet. Something didn't feel right and I just said "Are you cheating on me?" He again went really quiet and then said "What if I was?" I said "Are you?" and he said "I've got back in touch with an old friend who is in the area. We've been messaging, and we met up last week and she's my girlfriend now". I said "When were you planning to tell me?" and he said "Errrrr...... I don't know..... probably when I saw you". I was very aware that friend was listening to all this (and also in a different crisis) and said "we need to sort a time to talk about this" and then focused on friend's crisis. I'm left with a thousand unanswered questions. Maybe they would never be answered but I'd have liked the opportunity to ask them.

[sonjadog]

Wow, he really is spineless, isn't he?

[ScrewThat]

Wow, he really is spineless, isn't he?

Apparently so. Should have got him a spine for Christmas. Would never have suspected this before though. Friend who listened in to it all was gob-smacked. He has always seemed pretty devoted to me and even with the time apart the last message was very lovey.

[joystir59]

Sorry for the pain you are in right now but this is a blessing and in time you will recognise it as such, because you deserve so much better.

[Wattagoose90]

You've had a lucky escape. Thank god he did this before you committed to property or more.

Absolutely of no comfort right now though.

Blocking contact is a dick move, it makes getting closure almost impossible when you've had the rug pulled from under your feet.

In a few weeks or months he'll probably be contacting you, because that's generally what these dickheads do. My advice would be to avoid all contact if he does get in touch, no matter how many questions you may have.

Must be so hard. Hope you're OK.

[Lifeisabeach09]

"...we met up last week and she's my girlfriend now."

This should tell you a lot about the type of person he really is--weak, fickle, and a total bullshitter.

Who calls someone their gf after weeks of messaging and one week meeting in person??!!

You aren't ever going to get the answers you want and this man never showed you the real him until now.

Grieve and don't look back.

[Heismyopendoor]

Who even calls someone their girlfriend after one date? Weird. And who gives up their girlfriend of five years for someone they’ve had that one said date with? Extra weird.

My sounds like a loser OP. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but you are so much better off without him. Just be glad you only wasted five years with him and not a day longer. You will find someone who values you and has the decency to discuss things instead of just blocking you.