Merry Fucking Christmas

[ScrewThat]

I've NC for this but am a regular. I just need to vent/cry really. I know I'm not being unreasonable.

Me and DP of over 5 years live separately, currently long distance. This is (was) a temporary thing involving very complicated logistics (that would be extremely outing to describe). Our relationship has had some very tough patches - addiction issues from him which he seems to be getting on top of. Due to the complicated logistics we have had quite limited contact over the past three months - we knew in advance this would be the case and that it would be tough but it is due to come to an end in about a month so seemed do-able. Because of the same complicated logistics we were having to spend Christmas apart. I last heard from him about a week ago. All seemed fine.

Anyway this morning I spoke to him on the phone. This was unexpected as a close friend was in crisis. While on the phone he told me he has met someone else. He says he has known her for years and got back in touch with each other a few weeks ago and got closer. They got together a week or so ago and he considers her to be his girlfriend.

Almost no explanation given. No remorse, not even sorry that I've been hurt. While the logistical issues make contact difficult, there are ways he could have got in touch to talk about something serious like this. I'm fuming at him that he didn't and hurt that he has been stringing me along. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. I had no suspicion of anything like this and (again because of the difficult logistics) we only got a few minutes to talk before he had to go and I had to turn on the happy face for family Christmas. I've since found out he has blocked me on the phone and on all social media, probably on email too. I'm angry and hurt about that too. I wasn't nasty with him this morning (more gob-smacked) and had stayed rather calm just saying we would need to talk next time we got the opportunity. He said he didn't want to talk, but I feel that blocking me really is the coward's way out.

I don't know what to say. I'm gutted and I just needed somewhere to vent. Today isn't the day to share it with friends, and even when it is the right time I know that a lot of my friends feel I should have given up years ago with the addiction issues.

Merry fucking Christmas

My head is all over the place TBH. One minute I'm just raging angry about the way it has all happened. The next minute I just want to sob and sob because until this morning I thought our relationship was good. This was the last thing I expected. And I can't do either because I have to go back into the lounge and smile and put on my happy-family-Christmas-face. I just want to rewind time to last night. Or a couple of week's ago. How can he leave a 5 year relationship for some girl he has been messaging for a few weeks and has only met up with once? How can he refer to her as his "girlfriend" just like that as if I was some mate enquiring about a girl he had been dating and not as if I was his girlfriend? How can he not even care about whether I'm OK? How can he not feel like he at least owes me some answers?

@Lifeisabeach09 and @Heismyopendoor - crossed posts! My brain is just catching up with everything and asking the same questions.

I feel for you, Screw.

Don't be gutted. You had a lucky escape.

And of course everybody is asking about him. "Have you heard from DP?" "It's not long until DP will be home is it?" "How is DP enjoying being where he is?" Or that's what it feels like. They probably aren't doing it as much as it seems. It's probably just that I'm feeling each and every one of them. And none of them are family I would confide in and cry on. They are nice enough but more elderly relatives and children than close siblings. And if I did tell them (or rather when I tell them) they will probably have a thousand questions that I just don't know the answers to.

Oh and one thing we did establish before his slip up this morning was that he has not yet received the Christmas gifts I sent. So at some point in the next few days he will receive carefully chosen gifts from me and the DC and a card full of gushing, lovey wishes and how much we miss him. The fucker.

So sorry OP, that's awful. What a shit.

It's hard to describe without being outing but it is kind of a short-term work contract thing where communication is very difficult unless it is an emergency when they can be accommodating (hence today)
Communication is very difficult but he can communicate with some OW. Sorry OP but I'd lay money on this having gone on for more than one week and the one meeting and messaging each other a few times. It's only now that you caught him out that he is forced to tell you.
Now that the contract is nearing his end he'd have to make a decision between the two of you and that's probably why it's happened now.

You're better off without him if he can behave like this.

Oh @ScrewThat that is so awful, you poor thing. It’s easy to say what a bastard, you’re well shot etc but that doesn’t lessen the shock, and at this time of year as well.

It will get better and easier, you will heal, but it takes time and, in the meantime, be kind to yourself. Let yourself grieve. I wish you all the best x

5 years and he ends it like that.. he's a horrible little cretin OP...

I'd lay money on this having gone on for more than one week and the one meeting and messaging each other a few times

I'm pretty certain he's not met up with her before the last week or so. It's a long story, but there simply wouldn't have been the opportunity to meet up with her (because of where he is) before then.

I’m sorry you have had this shock and you are obviously upset.
You know deep down you have dodged a bullet and will be better off without him ...
however that doesn’t make things easy right now ...
Have a hug and take care of yourself xx

Never take him back x

A five year relationship where in your own words you’ve had very tough patches including his addiction issues, your friends think you should’ve given up on him years ago due to these issues and you’ve had him living with you and your kids, who are now close to this guy? this sounds like a shit show for them. If he’s got ongoing addiction issues and he isn’t their dad so no complicating factor then you just keep him away from your kids no question.

That is an awful thing to do to you on Christmas Day. You will realise you are better off without him someday soon. He sounds incredibly shallow and lacking awareness.

It won't seem like it now, but one day you will wake up and be grateful things ended. He doesn't sound like a prize.

You will get through this.

@jarjarjam The addiction issues were before he moved in with us (they started before we met) and before he really got to know my DC. It was very tough at that point and he did some things that (understandably) my friends felt I should have left him for (not abuse, not cheating, but not great behaviour at times and certainly very unreliable). At other times he could be lovely. He dealt with the addiction issues - which again was tough - but we got through it. It was after this, and after he had been stable for some time that he really got to know the kids and things became more committed. The DC are fine and have a good relationship with him. I guess the previous addiction issues aren't really relevant now, apart from I feel like I stood by him through shit and now he does this???? And I guess I feel like I've given him opportunities in the past to explain and make amends, and now I feel like maybe he owes me at least giving me some explanations when I feel I need them

But thanks for the condemnation based on pure (wrong) assumptions.That's just what I need right now.

And I guess because I wonder if this kind of not being able to be without a "girlfriend" in contact is another facet of an addiction. Just one of the questions I will probably never get answered.

This man is a shit and has done you and your kids a massive, massive favour. But I know it doesn't feel that way right now and I am so sorry that he pissed all over your Christmas.

My head knows you are all right but emotionally i just feel too raw right now. Thank you everyone for letting me rant on here while I maintain my happy-Christmas-face publicly. To make matters worse I'm sharing a bedroom with a DC tonight so can't even cry in bed.

i know it doesnt take the hurt over whatd done away.but really op you do NOT want to be with this fuker.someone who could do this is someone you dont want to be with.end of.
now have the best chrismtas ever knowing youve had a lucky escape.
waaaaaay easier said than done right at this moment.but.please keep that in mind.

dont keep going over the what ifs and why.would it really help to know the asnwr anyway.it doesnt then explain why he has been a knob to you now.
might feel better in the night when you have people around you.thats love around you,that you need.

Shame on him OP

What did the mutual friend say when he dropped this bombshell? I literally can’t believe that he felt that conversation was an appropriate time to tell you this! It doesn’t feel like it now but you are definitely better without a coward like that!

I want to be this sassy Beyonce-embodying warrior who just turns and walks away without a second thought. Instead I just want to cry and cry, and ask why about so many things. I think I possibly could have forgiven a one-night stand (in theory, who knows in practice) but he's calling this woman his "girlfriend" after one night together and a series of messages??? After 5 years together - and him seeming devoted to me - he's replaced me after three months of (expected) limited contact??? And doesn't even care enough (about me or my DC) to stay in touch???? I just don't get it. Part of me wants to shake him and say "What are you thinking????"

Sorry to hear this, how awful for you.