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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not kissing baby - AIBU with PFB?

131 replies

PalominoPony0 · 24/12/2019 17:15

38 weeks pregnant, FTM. Baby is expected to be early and imminent.

DH and I were discussing how much NHS advice has changed since our parents had us. As an example, MIL refuses to believe ebf babies receive adequate nutrition because that's what she was lead to believe 35 + years ago.

I said to DH that everyone is welcome to their opinion but ultimately as long as they respect current, up to date rules (washing hands, not kissing her face/mouth, not vaping around her (MIL), not coming over if poorly), I have no issue.

He agrees but says that I'm being "irrational, hormonal and anal" asking people not to kiss her face/mouth area. I reminded him of the midwife's advice at our NCT class plus showed him articles etc online which he's completely dismissed because he apparently kissed his now 10year old nephew as a newborn, who was never sick or sorry. He said that there is no way I can police who can kiss her and people will want to do just that. I argued it's general advice that most people are now aware of and if they don't like it, they don't spend time with her. It's quite simple.

I'm so desperate to be the best mother I can be to my baby and it's really stressing me that DH would treat such a basic guideline with such disregard.

Am I being "irrational, hormonal and anal", ultimately U - or not?

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 24/12/2019 22:24

I forgot to mention the pain at the side of my head too.

SmileyClare · 24/12/2019 22:26

To be honest I've never been harassed by anyone to hold my baby or experienced any adult family members having a strop about wanting to pass the baby round the room?

I suppose I'm lucky to have a fairly well behaved family.

Surfskatefamily · 24/12/2019 22:31

I told people, all people, no kissing baby full stop. If they asked why, I told them cuddles are fine and he will know hes loved regardless.
I've not had any arguments and apart from the odd raised eyebrow everyone has respected that.

MissyPG · 24/12/2019 22:41

I’ve not read full thread. However with both my children I’ve asked folk to wash their hands before handling my newborn baby. This was taught to me by my mother who is now a retired midwife. This caused offence with my MIL, but sorry, not sorry. My babies, my rules.

Same with kissing. Definitely not on the mouth! my 1st baby caught herpes at almost 2 and it made her really sick (and me as I caught it off her when I didn’t know she had it!). My MIL just poo poos the idea that herpes can make you extremely unwell but it can!

SmileyClare · 24/12/2019 22:45

TotallyFucked That does sound awful. I am aware of the danger of exposing babies to cold sores; at worst they can die.
I didn't know the virus could cause awful nerve damage. That sounds hard to live with x

Meshy12 · 24/12/2019 22:46

Washing hands saves lives

I kiss my baby on the lips so my breastmilk makes antibodies for her

But I don’t let anyone else kiss her on the lips - I will ask if need be and they will listen

It’s your prerogative

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 24/12/2019 22:52

I didn't know the virus could cause awful nerve damage. That sounds hard to live with x

Thank you, SmileyClare. It’s only sore for a couple of weeks at a time, due to the cold sore flaring up, but I’ve had it more often lately and there’s something about pain around your face/head that makes it particularly annoying. I’m currently nursing a broken elbow and frozen shoulders from two separate accidents six weeks apart, so I’m a big if an accident pron twit. I find it flairs up when I’m run down or stressed.

Too many babies suffer every year because of lack of education or selfishness in others. It’s so tragic that parents lose their tiny babies due to others’ behaviour.

meow1989 · 24/12/2019 22:54

I asked everyone to wash their hands for the first 6 weeks.

Ds is 18 months old and only DH or I are allowed to kiss him on the lips (and only when he wants one, if he says no then we don't -seperate issue to consider there). When he was a newborn noone was allowed to kiss his face.

Anyone with a cold sore (myself included) is not allowed to kiss him.

Be as pfb as you want I say, this is your babies health and you get to decide how that is protected.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 24/12/2019 22:54

MissyPG That must have been a very distressing and frightening time for you. I’m so so you and your baby have went through that and your mil sounds like a twit.

PixieDustt · 24/12/2019 22:58

Your DH is a douchebag.
If anyone tried to kiss my DS on the lips even now They would lose their front teeth be sternly told off.

I'd actually go nuts. It's disgusting. Agree with the vaping. I don't let anyone hold DS who smokes why would I!

toddytoff · 24/12/2019 23:00

I think YABU about the kissing (except on the mouth). I’ve never actually seen someone try and kiss a baby on the mouth though...

EmeraldIsle81 · 24/12/2019 23:03

To anyone who tells you (re breastfeeding) this was what we did in my day 40 years ago' you cut them off with '40 years ago we didn't have seatbelts in the back seats of cars- you wouldn't dream of not putting a seat belt on nowadays. Things have changed since your day haven't they?'
Just watch their face crumble and their pitiful argument evaporate.
I'm s first time mum too, 4 months now and you will very quickly find a strength you never had before. Practice in front of a mirror with a direct look, stern face and firm voice, when it comes to telling people 'no, that's not what I want you to do, I'm his/her mother and that's what I'm telling you is my decision regarding my child's welfare. If you don't like it you can leave now. I am the mother now'
Yes, really. You are the mother now, your child is an extension of yourself, you wouldn't have people kissing you on the lips, not kissing you with a cold sore, nor telling you what to eat and when.
Be strong OP, you know what's right, your partner does not

Booboostwo · 24/12/2019 23:04

Ex-H was born in 1972 and MIL tells the story of how she was prevented from breastfeeding because it was unnatural and forced by her doctor to have an injection to stop her milk. Formula was apparently a lot better. This was in a European country but not the U.K.

Surfskatefamily · 24/12/2019 23:04

@totallyfuckedupfamily is it acyclovir you take as a preventative? I'm trying to get gp to agree to it for me as I get it in one nostril half my face gets painful and my eye is bad too. I want to prevent vision problem as its already deteriorated a bit

LolaSmiles · 24/12/2019 23:08

SmileyClare
You are.
I had a couple of people insisted that "just one cuddle/kiss/hold" made them the exception to the medical guidance we were following. They realised they were unreasonable and apologised so all was forgiven as they're usually very reasonable and sensible.

But I have friends who've had serious issues with parents and in-laws insisting on visiting regardless of bugs/colds, regularly pushing hugs and kisses, touching baby, rocking the pushchair 'to settle the baby' when the baby is already sleeping, fussing over the baby by stroking their head, hand, kissing their head etc when it's sleeping and quite clearly hoping the baby will wake up. They would call over to "help" when friend had a C section and was struggling only for their offer if help to be that they would mind the baby for her so she could get things done. I was gobsmacked at the cheek.

Some of the threads on here sound like my friends' experiences on family ignoring boundaries regarding newborns and I can't help but think that it says more about the family members than the newborn's parents.

MrsP2015 · 24/12/2019 23:17

You sound just like I did and I stuck to my guns. DH and his parents have always kissed my SD on the lips- I think it's disgusting for germs etc and imo because of how I've been brought up it's an intimate kiss if in the lips..
Anyway I planted the seed in DH while pregnant and sent him articles relating to bad stuff/ germ spread with young babies.

I've never kissed DD on the lips and if (close family only) ask for a kiss she leans her cheek to them.

When strangers asked to hold/ went to touch her I politely told them not to! 😂
My baby my rules.

MIL also tried to convince DH bf was bad for baby (she bottle fed) 🙄
She still pisses me off now 2 years later!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 24/12/2019 23:18

totallyfuckedupfamily is it acyclovir you take as a preventative? I'm trying to get gp to agree to it for me as I get it in one nostril half my face gets painful and my eye is bad too. I want to prevent vision problem as its already deteriorated a bit

Yes. I don’t see why he should have a problem with it. I happened to be out with a group of friends and mentioned it to the woman beside me. She is a doctor and was shocked I was taking nothing for it. I just thought it was something I had to put up with, whereas she was concerned about it affecting my eyesight. My do it had no issue prescribing it and I can just phone for a repeat. Tbh I phoned and pretended to have one before, so I had an emergency pack. I’m always one pack ahead because you really need to start taking it straight away, however it can take 24 hrs for a script to be delivered.

Disneymum1993 · 24/12/2019 23:20

My wee boy ended up with rsv after someone kissed him on the lips he was on breathing support for 8 days and seriously ill so no dont allow it.not worth it

Cherrysoup · 24/12/2019 23:23

Your dh is stupid if he thinks kissing babies on the mouth is ok. www.livescience.com/59870-newborn-herpes-infection-deadly.html

FloppyBiffAndChip · 24/12/2019 23:27

I don't even kiss my own children on the mouth. There is no way I'd kiss a child that isn't mine on the mouth. Why would you? Yuck

StrawberryDreamX · 24/12/2019 23:35

Please don't let anyone kiss your baby. The cold sore virus can be life threatening to a baby. Washing hand, no vaping etc. is just common sense. Your baby, your rules, if people don't like it then they don't need to visit.

LL83 · 24/12/2019 23:41

Nobody has ever kissed any of my babies on the face or mouth and we have large families so if you dont mind kiss on the head then there is unlikely to be as issue.

Handwashing is awkward as it implies you think the person is dirty but phrased carefully it should be fine. If it is only a few days or weeks you intend to insist on this perhaps limiting visitors to close friends and family might make it easier.

LittleReindeer · 24/12/2019 23:51

I wouldn’t be happy if someone kissed me on the mouth so why should they do it to my child? It’s absolutely off limits and anyone who tries it will have my hand firmly jammed in front of their mouth and the baby removed. I will snatch and push if necessary to protect my child. Herpes can kill and it’s incurable, the child will suffer their entire life.

Nanny0gg · 25/12/2019 00:05

Can I just point out that anti-bac will have absolutely no effect on cold viruses or any other virus come to that. You need to wash your hands thoroughly with hot water and soap to deal with viruses

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 25/12/2019 00:13

If your mil ignores your wishes, then when you get up to leave and are saying goodbye, just give her a big sloppy kiss on the mouth. After all, if it’s good enough for your baby, then it’s good enough for her. 😁

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