Not kissing baby - AIBU with PFB?

[PalominoPony0]

38 weeks pregnant, FTM. Baby is expected to be early and imminent.

DH and I were discussing how much NHS advice has changed since our parents had us. As an example, MIL refuses to believe ebf babies receive adequate nutrition because that's what she was lead to believe 35 + years ago.

I said to DH that everyone is welcome to their opinion but ultimately as long as they respect current, up to date rules (washing hands, not kissing her face/mouth, not vaping around her (MIL), not coming over if poorly), I have no issue.

He agrees but says that I'm being "irrational, hormonal and anal" asking people not to kiss her face/mouth area. I reminded him of the midwife's advice at our NCT class plus showed him articles etc online which he's completely dismissed because he apparently kissed his now 10year old nephew as a newborn, who was never sick or sorry. He said that there is no way I can police who can kiss her and people will want to do just that. I argued it's general advice that most people are now aware of and if they don't like it, they don't spend time with her. It's quite simple.

I'm so desperate to be the best mother I can be to my baby and it's really stressing me that DH would treat such a basic guideline with such disregard.

Am I being "irrational, hormonal and anal", ultimately U - or not?

How does he justify labelling you (so he can ignore you) as ‘irrational’, when you just want to follow the medical advise given by a midwife?

Is she irrational too?

Is medical evidence irrational?

Or is he just too much of a wimp to be able to face upsetting his mother?

OP I'm in the same boat. Pregnant with first and with an overbearing MIL. I'm gonna have to drill it home to DP to back me up on this kissing one

You are not being irrational you are behaving like a good mum.
Protect your baby
Follow your gut feelings.
babies can die from viruses passed on this way it is a fact.
A very sad fact.

I agree that the worst risk is passing the herpes cold sore virus. However, let's not alarm the OP ; it's only passed to a baby from someone with an open sore.

I think it's best to apply a little common sense and judge situations as they arise. The main risks are from anyone who visits and are ill, even a cold can be horrible for a new born (and poor parent). Washing hands and avoiding direct contact should be obvious then.

I don't think I've ever seen a baby being kissed on the mouth by visitors!?

You may feel a little differently when baby is here. The few days before the birth are an anxious time. I know I worried about all sorts of things and felt very nervous! Congratulations on your imminent baby

As others have said, I wouldn’t dream of kissing a baby on the mouth, but I honestly can’t see any problem with kissing them on the cheeks or forehead.

It is normal and natural to worry about things especially with your first baby, but in my experience, that definitely eases as time goes by, and with subsequent babies.

I saw it explained with dummies - if your precious firstborn drops their dummy, you wash it in hot, soapy water, rinse it, and sterilise it before giving it back to the baby. With number 2, you wash the dropped dummy in hot soapy water and rinse it then give it back. With third and subsequent ones, you pick it up, give it a cursory wipe, and bung it back in.

But it does matter that you, as the new mum, feel comfortable, and while you will find you relax your rules as time goes by, it is perfectly reasonable for you to do that at a pace you are happy with. So if you are more comfortable asking people not to kiss your newborn’s face, people should respect that.

Currently sat with my 2 week old, nobody has kissed her on the mouth and made people aware not to, my DP didn't know about it and the risk of the cold sore virus so I'm glad i ask people just in case!

I'd rather sound like i'm being over protective than running the risk of anything happening to her

You have to ignore everyone and their snide know it all comments

My LO was born at 37 weeks (induced) and v small. We have been so careful keeping her away from people who are ill and got comments like "ha ha, can tell you're a first time mum!". Well we were right, even though we didn't succeed on keeping her germ free. She got Bronchiolitis, now on day 12, was rushed into resus day 4 (although was breathing, just her O2 levels were low) spent 4 days in intensive care on a ventilator, 2 days in HDU on breathing support and now on a ward and maybe hoping to go home tomorrow

So everyone with their comments will be eating their words!

Ignore everyone. You know best

My granny trained as a children's nanny in the 1920's. She taught me only to kiss babies on the back of the head or neck. It isn't a new idea!

YANBU. I will be asking family and friends to respect no kisses on mouth or face until at least vaccinated/built up some immunity, not just because of neonatal herpes but also RSV. I'm a midwife, DH is a doc, we have both seen many babies readmitted because of infections of unknown origin (i.e not birth injury or GBS etc), I will also have hand gel readily available and ask that it is used or that they wash their hands before handling baby.

@Vilanelle good luck to you too. It's not so much my MIL being overbearing - I can cope with that - it's me worrying if I'm worrying too much?

@PrayingandHoping I'm so sorry to hear about your LO, I hope you get out for Christmas 

It is perfectly reasonable for you to do that at a pace you are happy
Thank you @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius that's what I needed to hear. Perhaps I am being PFB but as pp have said, my maternal instincts are to follow NCT/midwife advice to the letter - I simply wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened - and perhaps that will lapse as she gets older/with subsequent children, but ultimately I'm not BU to ask this now?

ignore everyone and their snide know it all comments
What? Most responses have been kind and reassuring for Op. The best thing about mumsnet is gaining insight and reassurance from experienced mums isn't it?

I hope your baby is better soon Praying will be lovely to bring her home for Christmas.

It was certainly not the advice that BF babies wouldn’t get enough nutrition 35 years ago!

Seconded. My DC are 34 and 35 and I never heard any such thing, and even if I had I've enough common sense to see it's a ridiculous suggestion.

I would expect to wash my hands before touching a baby and I most certainly reminded people to do so before touching mine, it’s a perfectly standard precaution.

I don’t see any need for anyone to kiss a baby on the mouth. Close relatives who do not have cold sores or are sick can kiss the baby on the top of the head.

YANBU

I am also pregnant with PFB and agree with you fully. I shan’t be giving any thought to people who say I’m being precious or overprotective.

I don’t understand the kissing thing in general tbh. I refuse to kiss DNephew who is 2 and has already had to kiss everyone else in the room on the lips grim. Just give him my cheek, hope I don’t give him a complex!

OP to perhaps put your mind at rest a little about the general population (rather than your MIL). I get cold sores and wouldn't even pick a baby up if I had an active one. I'm very, very aware of the risks and would never put my own satisfaction before a baby's safety. I very luckily only had one active cold sore when DH was tiny and it was a nightmare, ended up with cracked fingers because I was hand washing so much...

What I'm saying is, while clearly your MIL is a bit batshit, most people are normal. So try not to worry and enjoy your pregnancy.

YANBU to request any of these things because IMO, what mumma says goes in those early days.

Although personally I would say kisses on the face are fine as long as they don't have a cold sore. Just not mouths.

It's amazing the amount of people I've managed to piss off by asking them not to vape around my baby.

I know a mum who had a no kisses rule and I thinks it's PFB. No one kisses babies on their mouths, even parents don't kiss a newborn on its mouth do they?
Explicitly stressing people need to wash their hands is ott, I just wouldn't let people I don't consider to be clean, or if they have a cold, hold my baby.

I never kissed my own babies on the mouth until they wanted to kiss me.

However cheeks and heads were fair game

Your amazing mum instincts are kicking in and you are feeling protective and totally natural. Hopefully they will all understand that and keep baby close while they do x

I was doing obstetrics almost exactly 35 years ago the gold standard for breast feeding was exclusive, but babies were warned into food earlier. There wasn’t above to say end would leave you’re baby lacking before weaning.

Oh and both of my babies were born slightly early

Dd was 38+4 and weighed 5lb 14oz
Ds was 37+3 and weighed 5lb 3oz

My babies are 42 and 41, both exclusively breast fed and a a a nurse previous to having them that was the advice I gave out too.

What was advised though was to begin mixed feeding between 3 and 4 months (or at around 12lb weight) rather than not until 6 months which may be what she is remembering.

60 plus years ago my mother was advised to give my sister (a very big baby at nearly 12lbs) farex in her bottle from the day she was born but that early was unusual even then.

The cold sore virus is the very dangerous ones and those with an active cold sore should keep well away from kissing a baby anywhere and definitely needs to wash hands before touching a child. Other than that, so long as normal regular hand washing happens it's not such a big deal.

@SmileyClare I wasn't talking about people on this thread

I would ask her to avoid kissing your baby on the mouth or near eyes, cold sores can appear there too (I get cold sores at my eye and it is horrible) top of the head is fine if no open/obvious sores on MIL

Absolutely say about hand washing, especially in the first few weeks. I am not a big fan of keeping children in sterile environments as I think they need to build up their immune system but not in the first few weeks.

Vaping should be a given, treat as you would a cigarette smoker.

Re the bf, I doubt that was official advice your mil received, probably just a leftover from the idea that formula babies feed less often and you can see how much they are taking.

You are the child's mother and you decide what is best, you will hear lots of opinions and ideas from everyone, even strangers on the street, your response could be "thank you for letting me know, I will think about it" then move on, don't get into discussions that raise your stress levels.