Not kissing baby - AIBU with PFB?

[PalominoPony0]

38 weeks pregnant, FTM. Baby is expected to be early and imminent.

DH and I were discussing how much NHS advice has changed since our parents had us. As an example, MIL refuses to believe ebf babies receive adequate nutrition because that's what she was lead to believe 35 + years ago.

I said to DH that everyone is welcome to their opinion but ultimately as long as they respect current, up to date rules (washing hands, not kissing her face/mouth, not vaping around her (MIL), not coming over if poorly), I have no issue.

He agrees but says that I'm being "irrational, hormonal and anal" asking people not to kiss her face/mouth area. I reminded him of the midwife's advice at our NCT class plus showed him articles etc online which he's completely dismissed because he apparently kissed his now 10year old nephew as a newborn, who was never sick or sorry. He said that there is no way I can police who can kiss her and people will want to do just that. I argued it's general advice that most people are now aware of and if they don't like it, they don't spend time with her. It's quite simple.

I'm so desperate to be the best mother I can be to my baby and it's really stressing me that DH would treat such a basic guideline with such disregard.

Am I being "irrational, hormonal and anal", ultimately U - or not?

churchandstate
People are infectious before displaying symptoms so being obviously ill isn't a cut off.
I'm not terribly fussy about germs and am nowhere close to being a Dettol/Zoflora mum, but I'm quite fussy about hand hygiene and kisses etc.

People can obviously have their own choices regarding their own children, but I do think adults who complain or get offended about parents who say "please hand wash / please don't kiss the baby" are a little weird because kissing newborns and cuddling/picking up someone else's newborn is all about the adult having their emotional needs met and wanting their wants to come above a parent's boundaries and child's health

@pigsDOfly

• I ebf all my babies born between 1980 to 1987 and I can assure you no one believed that ebf babies didn't get enough nutrition; absolute rubbish.

Your MIL may believe that, and yes, it's true, breast feeding was discouraged but whatever the reason, it wasn't about nutrition.*

MIL had her DC between 1979 and 1984 - do you know what the reason of it being discouraged? Just interested to know. I haven’t even bothered pushing back because I’ve made it clear that I want to BF.

@nonny no, no one has said at all they want to... it’s just an argument DH and I got into. It wouldn’t surprise me if MIL did try to - I’ve had to ask her not to stroke my stomach a few times, not because I dislike her, but because I simply do not like it.

I'm not terribly fussy about germs and am nowhere close to being a Dettol/Zoflora mum, but I'm quite fussy about hand hygiene and kisses etc.

Which is your call. I’m not particularly fussy (although I draw the line at mouth kisses).

is all about the adult having their emotional needs met and wanting their wants to come above a parent's boundaries and child's health

I hold other people’s babies if they ask me to, not to satisfy my “emotional needs”. I’m not really bothered enough about holding them to use hand sanitiser gel every time. I hate that stuff.

I read about this originally on here and thought it was weird that you would have to have a no kissing on the lips rule. Why would anyone kiss someone elses baby on the lips (or hands as they go in the babies mouth so often!)?

Then my friend had a baby, she has to keep reminding visitors not to kiss her dd on the lips. Really odd but I am now overly aware of this issue and when my baby arrives in April, I will absolutely be telling people not to do this!

cuddling/picking up someone else's newborn is all about the adult having their emotional needs met and wanting their wants to come above a parent's boundaries and child's health

Oh, come on! It really isn’t. Babies are designed to be nice to hold, I have no emotional needs that are met by holding someone else’s baby. It’s just a very pleasant thing to do - until they’re sick or fill their nappy, then it’s pleasant handing them back.

I would be happy to wash hands and not mouth kiss (which seems a strange thing to do to a baby anyway) but no kisses at all and no blowing raspberries seems OTT. However it is your baby so your rules.

I don't think bf was discouraged I think formula was pushed more. I'm not sure why but maybe something like dad/others getting involved, mum getting time away, was formula seen as a 'wealthy' thing and bf for poor people?

My MIL is in an awful habit of kissing DS in the mouth and has done since birth, despite us asking her not to she also loves leaving lipstick kisses on his face, it drives me nuts.

I would never kiss anyone else's child on the face or mouth and feel like it should be an obvious boundary!

PalominoPony0

Like a lot of things, with babies, there are theories and fashions.

I think the formula manufactures had done a good job of convincing the health practitioners at the time that formula was more convenient, and the modern way to feed a baby. And the health practitioners really pushed it with new mothers.

I suspect the manufacturers also pushed the idea that it was somehow better for babies to be formula fed, but there was nothing in the advice given to new mother to suggest that formula was better nutritionally, I don't think they would have dared go that far to make such false claims.

I was one of very few new mothers in the hospital who bf where I had my babies, there was pretty much no support for bf mothers and, as I say it seemed to be actively discouraged.

I supposed for a lot of women formula is a lot more convenient as you're not tied to your baby in the some way as a bf mother and bf takes time to get the hang of so in that respect formula can be easier.

However, I bf all three of mine until they were at least 18 months old, that's when I stopped with the eldest and it got a bit longer with each of the others.

I think a lot of women are influenced by what is normal in their family as well, so if their mothers and aunts didn't bf they often won't; my DD ebf all her three children and is a bf counsellor.

Yanbu.

Why would anyone kiss a newborn baby on the lips? That is just f-ing weird. I wouldn’t want anyone kissing my newborn baby on the lips, head or top of cheek is just fine. If someone had an issue with it, they could easily leave.

Isnt it because of the cold sore virus that kissing is discouraged

How we kiss a baby is you kiss your finger and pop the kiss on their heart

Years ago hemarrages were more common as were severe nutritional deficiencies (for example adult rickets, severe anemia etc) - and infections- so some women may well have had junk breastmilk in comparison to formula. Nowadays these deficiencies / infections have either been eradicated or can be corrected easily so it’s safer to let women try to breastfeed before recommending formula

Cuddling/picking up someone else's newborn is all about the adult having their emotional needs met

Well sometimes it's to help mum out or because you love the child and want to form a lifelong bond with them. My sister seemed grateful of the rest when I walked around with her baby and tried to settle him in my arms. I wasn't some sort of emotional vampire satisfying my own needs. That seems an odd comment to me.

Banning visitors or family members from touching your baby or holding them is a step too far.

cuddling/picking up someone else's newborn is all about the adult having their emotional needs met and wanting their wants to come above a parent's boundaries and child's health

I agree . I’ve had so much trouble with my in-laws morning in the days and weeks after baby is born going on about wanting to hold the baby , and then passing it around even when it’s crying or hungry and not wanting to give it back , being annoyed because it’s needs breast feeding and not even telling me if they can smell a dirty nappy .

It’s because some people and just selfish , and they want to have the fun and novelty and don’t get that it’s a little fragile life in critical stages . My observation is that there does seem to be some neediness from people who behave in this way .

I’ve put my in laws issues down to the fact that they had their child young , regret deeply having an only child , and regret that they were young when they had their only child and chose to go back to work ASAP and leave the child with the grandparents .

But we aren’t all giving birth to pander to everyone else’s deep seated desires to play with babies .

Our babies our rules !

Listen to yourself! After you’ve walked around with a screaming baby for two hours, you’re only too happy to hand it to anyone who’ll take it.

Not irrational or unreasonable at all, we also asked people not to kiss our DS as a newborn and washing hands is common sense - not worth taking any risks.

Nobody except me ever kissed my baby on the mouth. You sound stressed and it will get worse once the baby is born. If I could give 2 pieces of advice ( I have an 18 month old so fairly recent experience) I'd say a) opinions are like arseholes; everyone's got one. Especially when it comes to looking after babies. There is not a right answer to being a good mum. Co sleep? Sleep train? Bottle feed or breastfeed? Baby led weaning or purées? Routine? Attachment parenting? It's all SHIT! Just do what works for you and your family. Chill out, lower your expectations and realise that love and comfort are all your baby will need.

Well sometimes it's to help mum out or because you love the child and want to form a lifelong bond with them. My sister seemed grateful of the rest when I walked around with her baby and tried to settle him in my arms. I wasn't some sort of emotional vampire satisfying my own needs. hmm That seems an odd comment to me.
Not odd at all.
You aren't wanting to hold the baby, you're wanting to help the mum out so you'd offer to take the baby off their hands to give them a break and if they say yes then you'd do it and if you said no then you'd say ok and move on. I'm guessing if the mum said "I'm ok thanks" then you'd say ok and move on.

Whilst you may not be in that situation, there's also a lot of extended family/friends who seem to think that helping mum is holding the baby and having cuddles whilst Mum does the other things she needs to do (Vs actually have a break). The family / friends who are quick to offer cuddles to help mum often seem to be less quick to offer more practical help .

The type of person who harasses parents to hold their baby, gets annoyed or moody if parents say "please don't kiss my baby" are absolutely all about their needs being met otherwise they'd not get so moody and stroppy when they don't get to do what they want.

Banning visitors or family members from touching your baby or holding them is a step too far.
No it's not, if that's what the parents want.
It's a step too far for me, but if another parent wants to avoid the 'pass the newborn round the room' then that's their call and it should be respected.

It's only vitamin D they recommend supplementing breastfeeding with, and that's pretty much a just in case they don't get enough. Anyway, do what you are comfortable with, perfectly reasonable to ask people not to kiss baby on the mouth.

PalominoPony I odnt blame you not wanting her to stroke your stomach! It sound sad though she doesn't respect personal boundaries.
Good luck and remember your baby do it's your choice.

Sorry for typos meant, it is your baby so it's your choice. Your mother in Law doesn't have a say.

TotedTor that's quite an extreme example, not most new mother's experience I hope! You have my sympathy, some of your family sound awful.

On the whole though I do wonder if the parents that bar their Pils from visiting for the first month, refuse to let anyone hold the baby and are rude about the second hand clothes Mil brought round, are the same parents on here complaining that the grandparents won't babysit and never offer to help when the baby's a bit older

I have nerve damage due to a cold sore. I get them on/in my nose. Sometimes, such as now, you can even see it, however I know it’s their and causing the current pain I have down the side of my face, roof of mouth, tooth pain all through the top row of teeth, eyeball feels dry and extremely painful. I have to take tablets five times a day and i run the risk of going blind in that eye. I wish some posters would stop underestimating the damage a cold sore can cause.