Is he mean or AIBU?

[YoungHun]

Ok so I've been single for 4 years and old enough to know what I want, and certainly don't want to "make do" with just anyone.

Anyway I've met this man, not from OLD, and we've become "official" all is good. He makes me laugh, he seems sweet ... however.... I'm not sure if he's mean or just thoughtless.

I've cooked him 5 meals and he's never brought flowers or fizz or chocolates!! Just turned up!

We went round his house and popped round the shops to get some food, and I said "No it's ok I'll pay" stupidly expecting him to say "NO, no, you've made all these lovely meals, I'll pay for this!" He didn't, yeah my fault for offering to pay.

The straw that has broke the camel's back is that we stayed over at his recently and he promised a lovely breakfast of salmon and croissants. However he was most apologetic and said he didn't have time to go to shops.

We've only been out once to a show, I bought the tickets. We haven't actually been anywhere else, although he's offered to take me out for a meal. I couldn't go as had something else booked.

So today through WhatsApp I've "teased" him about his meanness and seemed perplexed about what I was saying. He says he's coming round in the morning with breakfast. So will be interesting to see what he brings.

What am asking is AIBU to think if you go to someone's house for a meal you should ALWAYS bring something for the host. I know levels of hospitality are so different round the UK.

I'm Welsh and if anyone comes into the house they're immediately offered refreshments and biscuits/cakes.

However I live in the 'Shires now and notice the level of hospitality is very different. Most times I can go round someone's house and not be offered even a glass of water. My bestie is Irish and we're amazed the friends' houses we go round and aren't offered any refreshments.

So I'm wondering if my new bf is mean or is he just thoughtless?

Sorry for ramble!

I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect someone to always bring you something when they come to your house. However that wasn't the point of the post: MAJOR red flags here from me. Don't know how you're able to put up with that! Personally I like being spoiled, not everyone does, but as you said I would have thought he would have done something for you by now? Red flag!!

I would be the most put out by him letting you pay for groceries, at his house, when you had always done the catering at your place. I would also expect him to bring a bottle of wine round if he was coming for dinner.

Depends
If I went to a BF house for a meal I wouldn’t take anything, same if it was mums house. Friends I would.
But if friends reciprocated the meal then we probably wouldn’t bother unless asked to bring a bottle or similar

I wish we were able to delete or edit comments - despite what I said about you shouldn't expect people to bring something round every time - I too would have thought he should have brought some wine or dessert if you've made him dinner.

Can’t you just say, I’ll cook, you bring the wine? Or your turn to bring desert so he knows what to expect?

He's mean.

So he has never taken you out for dinner, or any date where he paid. Didn’t even bring a bottle to yours when you cooked dinner at your house and let you buy the dinner that he cooked for you at his house?

Get rid of him!

He’s mean and taking the piss.

FFS, get rid! He's fucking rude and tight. SO many threads on here from women putting up with sponging men. C'mon to fuck, you wouldn't behave this way with a friend so why are you putting up with it from some guy and having sex with him on top of it?

You've catered for him, bought food whilst staying at his house, paid for your date and you're still giving him chances?

Raise your bar. He's not sweet. He's rude and mean.

"So I'm wondering if my new bf is mean or is he just thoughtless?"
He could be both. But he's definitely mean. Tighter than a duck's arse, and that's watertight.

"So today through WhatsApp I've "teased" him about his meanness and seemed perplexed about what I was saying."
Perplexed? Even worse. So mean he's forgotten he's mean.

I know I sound flippant here YoungHun, but I'm really not. He's mean to his core, and he won't change. He'll sponge off you without a second thought.

Can't believe you sat there and paid for food and the show.

Wow ok ... he's mean then!!

Blimey I read posts on here all the time and I'm the same ... "WTF do you not have any self respect"

And reading it back it does sound like he's mean. But some people are just genuinely thoughtless, aren't they?

Honesty I'm as fussy fucker as you can get (normally), I'll bin someone for being 10 minutes late for a first date. But my "CF" radar isn't going off.

Maybe I should have mentioned in the OP that once he noticed my outside light wasn't working. I said that it hadn't been working for months as I couldn't get the bulb out. Next time he visited he changed the bulb for me without me asking.

So he can be thoughtful. I just don't think he realises that turning up with nothing is very poor manners! Hahah

But some people are just genuinely thoughtless, aren't they?

What's the difference? Why would you want to put up with either one? He didn't just turn up with nothing, he then sat and let you buy food when you came round his house, skived out of any breakfast with 'I didn't have time to go to the shops' (bullshit), and then sat back whilst you bought tickets for the show. C'mon!

Honestly, would you even behave like this with a friend? The answer is no, isn't it? Then why the hell take it off some bloke?

He's not 'perplexed'. That's mean AF and he knows that, hence the whole 'I'll bring breakfast'. People like this then dine out on that because mugs allow them. 'Well, he bought me breakfast once. ' 'He changed a lightbulb once.'

I would always always take something. It’s bad manners not to. Chocolates, wine, flowers , a takeaway coffee etc.

I think @FruitcakeOfHate is right, he's done one thoughtful thing but that doesn't compare to all the things you have done for him without even thinking about it because it's basic manners.

Also, the fact that you are noticing it and have brought it up with him shows that it's bothering you. If this continues you're only going to get frustrated and it'll lead to resentment.

You gave him a chance to apologise for being thoughtless but he said he was clueless, this relationship seems quite one sided to me in terms of effort

I said "No it's ok I'll pay" stupidly expecting him to say "NO, no, you've made all these lovely meals, I'll pay for this!" He didn't, yeah my fault for offering to pay.

Don't play these ridiculous games. You didn't want to pay so don't offer. Offering to pay because you expect him to say no is batshit.

I wouldn’t expect to be showered with gifts all the time, but surely he could muster up a bottle of wine on the odd occasion when you’re doing the cooking? Seems rude not to.

It’s rude to go empty handed when someone’s making you dinner??? Id be annoyed if it happened every single time

Ps @teentree is right though, don’t play games and say things you don’t mean, it’s also a bit silly. ( less annoying than his tightness though!)

How thoughtful is he really if he can't be bothered to ever provide the sustenance, but will take whatever you offer.

Yes he's mean. I've had 2 of them. Neither of them poor - in fact both of them rich.

This is him in the honeymoon phase op , you're seeing the best side of him right now. Not very impressed are you?

Imho he's mean.

At the start I was going to say benefit of the doubt by the time I got to the end I was making this face.

No no no no! No.

Unless you want to try to reeducate/train him, I'd cut your losses here. This man is a Scrimpy McMeaniepants.

NO OP. No. That is not right. And I know the Welsh and the IRISH are big on hospitality but in my circles, turning up to someone's house to eat/drink with nothing is a NO no. Could be a bottle, flowers, chocolates, nice treats little something for kids or the dog - it's a gesture.

He sounds mean. Why would he let you pay for food? Why hasn't he suggested a date whuch organises and pays for? Are you more invested than him.

Tighter than a duck's arse, and that's watertight.

This ^^

Next time he visited he changed the bulb for me without me asking.

That didn't cost him anything though did it?