Is he mean or AIBU?

[YoungHun]

Ok so I've been single for 4 years and old enough to know what I want, and certainly don't want to "make do" with just anyone.

Anyway I've met this man, not from OLD, and we've become "official" all is good. He makes me laugh, he seems sweet ... however.... I'm not sure if he's mean or just thoughtless.

I've cooked him 5 meals and he's never brought flowers or fizz or chocolates!! Just turned up!

We went round his house and popped round the shops to get some food, and I said "No it's ok I'll pay" stupidly expecting him to say "NO, no, you've made all these lovely meals, I'll pay for this!" He didn't, yeah my fault for offering to pay.

The straw that has broke the camel's back is that we stayed over at his recently and he promised a lovely breakfast of salmon and croissants. However he was most apologetic and said he didn't have time to go to shops.

We've only been out once to a show, I bought the tickets. We haven't actually been anywhere else, although he's offered to take me out for a meal. I couldn't go as had something else booked.

So today through WhatsApp I've "teased" him about his meanness and seemed perplexed about what I was saying. He says he's coming round in the morning with breakfast. So will be interesting to see what he brings.

What am asking is AIBU to think if you go to someone's house for a meal you should ALWAYS bring something for the host. I know levels of hospitality are so different round the UK.

I'm Welsh and if anyone comes into the house they're immediately offered refreshments and biscuits/cakes.

However I live in the 'Shires now and notice the level of hospitality is very different. Most times I can go round someone's house and not be offered even a glass of water. My bestie is Irish and we're amazed the friends' houses we go round and aren't offered any refreshments.

So I'm wondering if my new bf is mean or is he just thoughtless?

Sorry for ramble!

Sorry OP, he’s mean and thoughtless and utterly taking you for granted. I live down south and I’m always offered snacks and drinks at friends’ houses and do likewise at mine. A boyfriend should want to treat you, not just take. Dump his cheap ass.

Your drip feed wins all drip feeds

If I was going to a dinner party I'd take wine/flowers/chocolates.

If I was just going for a casual meal at a friend's house (where they are likely be coming round for a similar type of meal at mine quite regularly) then I wouldn't.
I don't think it makes sense to always take a gift when you frequently go to someone's house for dinner.
But I would expect him to have paid for dinner at his own house, and breakfast and to pay for you to go out occasionally.

Though the fixing charity vehicles for free makes me wonder if he's not that bothered about "stuff" - he finds your company more important, and would be quite happy if you just both sat in every night eating beans and toast.

I would wait and see re breakfast and what he buys for Xmas
Then maybe have a talk about how you feel - sometimes people need to understand what matters to you
On the other hand it’s early days and I would expect more equality - why after cooking him 5 meals - had he not been inviting you to his house for a meal?

I'd wait and see what turns up for breakfast OP. I don't think you should write him off just yet, flowers and chocolates are nice but not on everyone's radar and changing the lightbulb and having bought you a christmas present are both nice gestures.

So, you don't drink, don't want chocolates (makes me think he's at least asked if he knows that), and haven't said you want flowers (and flowers are usually a special occasion thing, not every meal), yet he should bring those things because otherwise he's mean? Plus he doesnt take you out because you cant be arsed? I'd also say, why offer to buy things if you don't want to? Don't play games. Offer to pay your half if that's what you want.

Yep, so he might be a bit stretch with cash at the moment and to be fair, he could be embarrassed by the situation enough not to want to talk about it. Does he earn a good income so in a position to recover lost divorce?

Either way it’s bothering you so try addressing it first and if he doesn’t change then see ya!

I'm sadly/wisely very cynical and take everything with a pinch of salt.

You seem desperate to make him a non CF

I'm dying to know if it's a slap up M&S food breakfast or a cold McMuffin- please update OP!

@PurpleFrames I'm expecting salmon and fizz but reckon it's going to be cornflakes and milk!!

Hahaha

He's going to be here about 10am!!

I wouldn't go round to my mother's for dinner without a bottle of wine. Maybe he doesn't think about such things but he should not have let you pay for the food at his house when you have been cooking for him at yours. I'd move on. This will be the best of him because it is a new relationship.

How can he be a wrong 'un if he loves animals?? ;)

They say Hitler was very fond of dogs. Or was it Goebels?

No; no, when I think about it, it must have been dogs.

We doesn’t sound like a great catch tbh.

he pays regular maintenance for his kids, and is currently going through court to get access, and he never bad mouths his ex which are always a huge ticks in my dating checklist

These are more like "basic requirements" than "huge ticks" I reckon. So he pays maintenance for his own kids? Congrats, that's what you're supposed to do.

But then I've noticed that men often get a disproportionate amount of credit for just "not being abusive" as if that was some huge effort they were making.

If you want to continue this relationship, you are going to have to get much, much better at communicating your expectations, OP. Practise these phrases:

"OK, it's your turn to cook tonight. Looking forward to it!"

"I'm cooking us spag bol tonight. Can you bring garlic bread and a bag of salad?"

"it would be great if you could pick up a bottle of wine / dessert on the way over."

Ask straight out for what you want - and that way you will soon find out if he's a tight arse who expects you to pay for the pleasure of his company.

@thickwoollytights think you've hit the nail on the head, I suppose I am desperate to make him a non CF.

I've dated maybe over 100 guys over the 4 years of singledon, prob even more than that, and this is the first I've felt there could be a chance with.

I couldn't be with someone who is mean, I don't think you can change that. I'm just hoping it's just manners but if it's thoughtless, that doesn't bode well either!!

I'm def less invested than him, I still have the barriers up so if I didn't see him again wouldn't be too bothered. He does through words tells me how much I mean to him, but not by action!

Anyway he's here about 10am I'll let you know what he's brought.

I don’t think it’s huge red flags, he sounds a bit like my partner.
He has nice intent always but doesn’t think of things at all, mainly I guess as he was single so long it wasn’t something he had to do.
I get flowers if he sees some and thinks oh wonderland would like them, not for any occasion or that, same with gifts.

Also I’m not sure if your quite strong willed but I am and dp chooses not to fight me on the I’ll pay thing as he knows I’ll drag the no I’ll pay song and dance out a while. So I end up paying if I offer.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine
You'd think eh? Bloody basic requirements, pay maintenance for your own kids, not slag off ex!!

But nope maybe 75% of men online, if not more, don't do it and 10% think they're fucking heroes for doing this!!

Out of that small 15% left, I'd would go on a date with! But some have slipped through, and in the initial date slate their ex, I've walked out before!

So He's going through court and paying out for a divorce both of which will cost a fortune.........sounds like he's quite rightly prioritising things that are important to him above some shallow woman.

Do the bloke a favour and leave him so he can find someone decent.

My brother is like this. He's kind if it doesn't cost him money. He never every gives anything to charity and won't ever live with anyone as he's petrified they'll fleece him ! He will sit there with a calculator to work out exactly his share of a meal out !
He happily let me repaint his house for him one summer ( more fool me) but never offered to help or pay me . His house was full of furniture that other family members were getting rid of ( for free ) he only bought new carpets when it was pointed out the old ones were literally thread bare . I sent him a tenner for his birthday one year and he sent the same tenner ( had £200 written in biro on it ) five days later to me for my birthday - that same note went between us for more than 5 years ! When I finally pointed it out he swore he'd never noticed !

He's not what I'd call boyfriend material . He is incredibly selfish when it comes to money. He won't ever change, so if the guy you are dating is like this, unless you are independently wealthy, and find him irresistible, I'd drop him if I were you.

I did the same while OLD. First time some man slagged off his ex or said she had mental
Health problems which caused their divorce, I left.

Initially I thought he was a CF but based on follow up comments am willing to give benefit of the doubt. Its alo possible that money is tight so when you offered to pay he just instinctively said yes.

I would expect chocolates or wine or something the first time I cooked for a new man but probably not every time. I would like it if he asked if he could bring anything hht wouldn't cknsidernit a deal breaker. The breakfast at home thing is understandable in it's own but unless you live in the sticks I would have thought a quick emergency trip to the local co op was doable.

It also sounds like he is the kind of person who does things for people rather than buys things for people.

I would wait and see. Get more direct about your expectations but if he pushes back in any way then that's it.

Turning up empty handed is a bit rude. But more rude is not reciprocating when someone cooks for you and when he did eventually reciprocate he let you pay for the food. That’s incredibly unreasonable of him.

My initial feeling is that he's tight. I hate tightness but it could be thoughtless. It depends how he's been brought up. My Scottish/ Irish upbringing means that even if I'm just nipping to my sister/ best mate for a cuppa I'll take cake/ nice biscuits. If anyone is hosting food I'll take wine/ flowers and a nice candle. If people are coming to me for a cuppa there's at least 3/4 choices of cake/ biscuit with proper China and napkins. It's just how I was brought up. I, too, have been to houses where you're offered nothing and it is so alien to me but try to just think it's just different upbringing.

Let us know OP.