Is he mean or AIBU?

[YoungHun]

Ok so I've been single for 4 years and old enough to know what I want, and certainly don't want to "make do" with just anyone.

Anyway I've met this man, not from OLD, and we've become "official" all is good. He makes me laugh, he seems sweet ... however.... I'm not sure if he's mean or just thoughtless.

I've cooked him 5 meals and he's never brought flowers or fizz or chocolates!! Just turned up!

We went round his house and popped round the shops to get some food, and I said "No it's ok I'll pay" stupidly expecting him to say "NO, no, you've made all these lovely meals, I'll pay for this!" He didn't, yeah my fault for offering to pay.

The straw that has broke the camel's back is that we stayed over at his recently and he promised a lovely breakfast of salmon and croissants. However he was most apologetic and said he didn't have time to go to shops.

We've only been out once to a show, I bought the tickets. We haven't actually been anywhere else, although he's offered to take me out for a meal. I couldn't go as had something else booked.

So today through WhatsApp I've "teased" him about his meanness and seemed perplexed about what I was saying. He says he's coming round in the morning with breakfast. So will be interesting to see what he brings.

What am asking is AIBU to think if you go to someone's house for a meal you should ALWAYS bring something for the host. I know levels of hospitality are so different round the UK.

I'm Welsh and if anyone comes into the house they're immediately offered refreshments and biscuits/cakes.

However I live in the 'Shires now and notice the level of hospitality is very different. Most times I can go round someone's house and not be offered even a glass of water. My bestie is Irish and we're amazed the friends' houses we go round and aren't offered any refreshments.

So I'm wondering if my new bf is mean or is he just thoughtless?

Sorry for ramble!

Tight, for sure. Let us know what he brings for breakfast!

Ohhh what's for brekkie? Maybe he just doesn't think about things.

"Anyway he is a mechanic and all the old people at the club go to his garage as he never charges them. He services and repairs charity minibuses .... no charge."

Are the old people poor? Is it genuinely out of charity or because he gets something out of it (besides from all the praise)?

Would you be happy being at the bottom of the pile when it comes to consideration? Because I've known that scenario to be common with some men. If he needs money to see his children then he is also prioritising them above his children.

The 'no, I'll pay' game isn't for when you are with a boyfriend. You should be able to communicate properly.

@FoamingAtTheUterus, someone decent doesn't take, take, take. That's being a CF. I'm sure the OP isn't Bill free.

@YoungHun, I've been were you are. Making excuses and not wanting to see the red flags, because over 40 the dating pool is small. But any relationship isn't better than being single. See how the Christmas period goes, but be honest about what you want and if you are settling.

No man with an ounce of respect for you or himself would have allowed you to pay for the poxy groceries.

As for turning up empty handed as well!!

He's turned up empty handed 5 times!! And he didn't "get" your ribbing about it, wtf? And when you've pointed out fiiiinally that it's his turn to give something, he's picked the smallest, cheapest meal of the day! Didn't know you liked flowers is the stupidest excuse ever, he'd have found out if he got you some, what a dick!

Op I hope you are currently having a feast whipped up for you.

I'd be wary too tbh. I detest meanness. Proceed with caution.

I would always take wine/chocolates /flowers if we were going to someones house for a meal .This is just friends/Rellies .TBH I think you are making excuses here .Every man in England ,knows you are supposed to bring along a gift if GF is cooking for you FFS! You must be unhappy about it or you wouldnt be posting here would you? I think he is a tightass and so do you deep down .He may be kind and sweet, but hes getting a free ride and sex into the bargain !

How many cocklodgers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just this one

He's either mean or completely lacking in social skills.

I'm overinvested in finding out what's for breakfast. Hope he's come good and bought something delicious.

I'm on the side of thinking him ungenerous but hope he proves me wrong.

Tight as a gnat's arse OP.

Does anyone else find it amusing that we're waiting to see what the op's bf has brought round for breakfast?

I am usually not big on having an issue with people and thinking its rude but this is. However I'm Welsh too as is DP and we have had the conversation that we do have odd inbuilt rules about feeding and host gifts (as in other cultures too of course ). It would be unthinkable for us to do this. I actually dont think we could bring ourselves to, my DP mum when we visited popped to the shop to get breakfast stuff and we had the usual to and fro about letting me pay, rather a standoff in mid Wales because of course as the host she needed to be able to pay and as the visitor so did I , we compromised and I bought the sausages

Mind you I do have English friends that dont thinknlike this but I suspect more it's because they are tight not cultural.

To be honest he sounds like too much bother to retrain on this

Oval Canvas Im dying to know too !

Another one here dying to know. My guess is if he DOES bring something it will be one of those multipacks of mini cereal for £1, but no milk.

Mean fucker will only get meaner.

He was perplexed when I mentioned his tightness as he said "But you don't drink, don't want chocolates and didn't know you liked flowers"

If you don't drink, why are you expecting him to bring fizz?
I'm expecting salmon and fizz but reckon it's going to be cornflakes and milk!!

Come back OP, we are way into Brunch territory now!

Honestly you sound difficult and he sounds more like a simple guy that takes you at your word.

His logic for not bringing anything makes sense to me.

Don’t offer to pay again until things are more balanced out between you.

He's does seem mean having never offered to pay for food. Hope the breakfast was nice though.

@HannaYeah

The OP has
Cooked 5 meals
Bought his groceries
Paid for tickets

The boyfriend has
Paid for absolutely nothing

And she's being difficult??

Call him out on it. Just be honest, but calm.

Just say "It's your turn to cook this time, and buy the food."

If he has a problem with that, time to wave goodbye.

What did he bring?

AhNowTed,
I say that because he tried to take her out for a nice dinner and she double booked so canceled. (But was prepared to be mad if he canceled because he was sick!)

Then a few pages in admits she can’t be assed to go anywhere this time of year.

Admits she she doesn’t drink but expects him to bring drink, doesn’t like chocolate but he should maybe bring those, doesn’t seem to like flowers, but where are they?

Then knowing all this offered to pay for groceries and is irritated he said yes. It just all sounds too complicated for me. Not everyone grew up in the “I’ll offer repeatedly but don’t actually mean it” culture. I find it annoying and false, frankly!

You have to let the poor man have a chance to do something for you!. She sounds like she takes over things a bit, unknowingly, then is irritated he’s not doing what she thinks he should.

He may not have great manners but there isn’t enough to go on yet.