Is he mean or AIBU?

[YoungHun]

Ok so I've been single for 4 years and old enough to know what I want, and certainly don't want to "make do" with just anyone.

Anyway I've met this man, not from OLD, and we've become "official" all is good. He makes me laugh, he seems sweet ... however.... I'm not sure if he's mean or just thoughtless.

I've cooked him 5 meals and he's never brought flowers or fizz or chocolates!! Just turned up!

We went round his house and popped round the shops to get some food, and I said "No it's ok I'll pay" stupidly expecting him to say "NO, no, you've made all these lovely meals, I'll pay for this!" He didn't, yeah my fault for offering to pay.

The straw that has broke the camel's back is that we stayed over at his recently and he promised a lovely breakfast of salmon and croissants. However he was most apologetic and said he didn't have time to go to shops.

We've only been out once to a show, I bought the tickets. We haven't actually been anywhere else, although he's offered to take me out for a meal. I couldn't go as had something else booked.

So today through WhatsApp I've "teased" him about his meanness and seemed perplexed about what I was saying. He says he's coming round in the morning with breakfast. So will be interesting to see what he brings.

What am asking is AIBU to think if you go to someone's house for a meal you should ALWAYS bring something for the host. I know levels of hospitality are so different round the UK.

I'm Welsh and if anyone comes into the house they're immediately offered refreshments and biscuits/cakes.

However I live in the 'Shires now and notice the level of hospitality is very different. Most times I can go round someone's house and not be offered even a glass of water. My bestie is Irish and we're amazed the friends' houses we go round and aren't offered any refreshments.

So I'm wondering if my new bf is mean or is he just thoughtless?

Sorry for ramble!

Op, I am dying to know how breakfast went! I guess he is still there?

I don't think he is necessarily mean or thoughtless. His kindness giving mechanic services to people for free, and also his attentiveness to cards and excitement about getting you a gift suggest he is kind.... it sounds more to me like he has a different way of framing giving/kindness and values/ notices different things to you.

His answer to why he didn't bring wine/chocolates/flowers is beautifully simple and transparent. I wouldn't give up yet - rather than tease him, I would simply tell him what you would like. "When I cook you a meal, it will make me happy if you bring x". "When I stay at yours, I would like you to prepare/pay for Y, because that makes me feel ...."

I would also be curious about working out what he values/ what his criteria are for politeness etc.... and you could try doing things differently. For example, one time he is coming over maybe try ringing him, saying you haven't had time to cook and could he pick up and pay for a takeWay on the way to you.... He may be completely fine with that.

OP! Come on, you say that your a prolific dater and that you're fussy - what are you doing?! Why are you paying for everything?! Do you want to be in a relationship with one of those men who does favours for everyone but his partner? That's where you're heading.

Why are you expecting fizz for breakfast if you don’t drink or have led him to believe you don’t drink? If I were going around to a friends who doesn’t drink for brekky I’d take OJ.

Ok so he's been and gone! He brought a huge bag of food for breakfast a full fry up. Bacon, sausages, tins of bean, mushrooms, tins of tomatoes, black pudding, bread, butter, muffins, orange juice.

It was lovely cooking it together, and laughing and eating, these stupid simple every day events are the things you miss when you're single. Then we took the dogs a lovely long walk in the sun and wind.

However ....... he also brought a gigantic bag of presents. Not just for me (loads) but for the dog, the cats and even my bloody lodger!! I was only thinking of getting him a bottle of brandy or something!!

I could cry actually that I'm not that far wrong.

Think he has just not thought. And yes next time I cook, I'll say, bring over the sweet or starter or whatever. Think he's one of those people who need it spelled out to them.

I'd also not thought that he may be skint, although that doesn't stop you buying a packet of 99p biscuits!!

As PPs have said, I wouldn't even go to my besties without bringing biscuits or the such. Even workmen get offered copious cups of tea and biscuits/bacon rolls, when they come in!

I think we may laugh about this in the future, but who knows? I've met so many muppets OLD it's nice to meet someone who appears a decent human being.

Thank you for all your comments, I've read every single one and taken what you've said on board.

I know some of you will be banging your heads against the wall. But I'm gonna see Christmas out and see how it pans out.

Thank you all!!

Excellent!

That’s terrific! And I agree with BraceGoldie’s suggestions up above.

Well i would say this is a good sign. Clearly clueless at day to day niceties but happy to step up. You need to sometimes be clearer.

OP were you the one pulling a face about taking the dogs for a walk on a first date?

I've just read the whole thread and I'm really pleased for you, op. He actually might be okay, after all. God, the suspense waiting for your brekkie update...

Someone said to me recently that they value kindness over generosity in a partner and I know what they mean. Flinging money around on stuff can be just part of trying to impress, but kindness goes deeper. Your chap sounds kind and now generous as well. Hope it works out!

Aw so pleased for you YoungHun. Sounds like you’ve got a good un there after all, despite earlier appearances. Have you opened the pressies yet or are you going to wait until tomorrow?

Happy to hear you had a great time together at breakfast and hopefully many more to come.

As PP posters suggested communication helps in any relationship. All the best to the two of you. You both seems nice people. Merry Christmas.

How lovely. Glad hes spoiling you. Happy Christmas.

Lovely update! Hope it all goes well

Good I was hoping you would give him so time and hopefully he will prove himself to be a keeper

Maybe he’s bad at reading social cues? E.g, is thoughtful enough to change the outside bulb but didn’t take the hint about paying for the shopping?

Tbh it doesn’t sound like an established/official relationship if you still expect the formality of bringing flowers, etc. For some people these tokens are pretty meaningless and to others it means a lot. I’d suggest making your expectations clear. Tell him you enjoy little tokens and being taken out for a meals- this is how you feel appreciated and at the moment everything is very one sided with you making all the effort. Give him the chance to get things right in this relationship. If he doesn’t change then I would have a re-think.

Just seen your update op! I’m so pleased for you x

Sound a lovely breakfast, memories over things! My now DP and I never brought wine to each others places when dating but we were quite good at paying for each other. Lesson I learnt early on though was don’t offer to pay if you can’t or don’t want to! You’ll just end up resentful. The quicker I stopped doing X because I wanted him to do Y the better things were and we found a natural balance.

Off topic slightly but we also fell into the trap of staying in and not going out, so I said how nice going out for dinner or drinks is (if you can afford it) so we’d take it in turns to pick and book somewhere, meant we both tried new places and didn’t spend all weekend at home.

Anyway. Merry Christmas OP!