Is he mean or AIBU?

[YoungHun]

Ok so I've been single for 4 years and old enough to know what I want, and certainly don't want to "make do" with just anyone.

Anyway I've met this man, not from OLD, and we've become "official" all is good. He makes me laugh, he seems sweet ... however.... I'm not sure if he's mean or just thoughtless.

I've cooked him 5 meals and he's never brought flowers or fizz or chocolates!! Just turned up!

We went round his house and popped round the shops to get some food, and I said "No it's ok I'll pay" stupidly expecting him to say "NO, no, you've made all these lovely meals, I'll pay for this!" He didn't, yeah my fault for offering to pay.

The straw that has broke the camel's back is that we stayed over at his recently and he promised a lovely breakfast of salmon and croissants. However he was most apologetic and said he didn't have time to go to shops.

We've only been out once to a show, I bought the tickets. We haven't actually been anywhere else, although he's offered to take me out for a meal. I couldn't go as had something else booked.

So today through WhatsApp I've "teased" him about his meanness and seemed perplexed about what I was saying. He says he's coming round in the morning with breakfast. So will be interesting to see what he brings.

What am asking is AIBU to think if you go to someone's house for a meal you should ALWAYS bring something for the host. I know levels of hospitality are so different round the UK.

I'm Welsh and if anyone comes into the house they're immediately offered refreshments and biscuits/cakes.

However I live in the 'Shires now and notice the level of hospitality is very different. Most times I can go round someone's house and not be offered even a glass of water. My bestie is Irish and we're amazed the friends' houses we go round and aren't offered any refreshments.

So I'm wondering if my new bf is mean or is he just thoughtless?

Sorry for ramble!

Sponger, I'm afraid.

So he has never once put his hand in his own pocket when you are together, not even on his own house? I expect all his pockets are stitched shut.

Let this one wither on the vine I reckon.

Wait, he’s never taken you on a date?

If it was right you wouldn't be asking op. If you won't admit it or ask your mum because you know the answer and don't want her to know run fast.

He's tight and if he's not interested in showing any generosity at this stage in the relationship it will not improve from here. You will never get flowers from him or little "just because" presents and he will be one of those men who puts no thought into xmas and birthday presents and only ever does nice things if you moan at him. I was in a relationship like that and while it didn't really bother me at the time I would definitely expect more from a future partner.

You didn't even get your breakfast! I couldn't be funding a random adult male. WTF! Get rid!

This is his behaviour in the early stages of your relationship, imagine what it will be when things get 'routine'.

Rude to turn up at someone's home for a meal without wine!

Is he very young or inexperienced with relationships? Has he had previous girlfriends or wives?
I'd be pretty wary that this should be the most romantic time in your relationship and he hasn't even bought you flowers? Let us know what he brings for breakfast!

But my "CF" radar isn't going off.

Then it's faulty

He's a dick

Bin him

What’s for breakfast then?

He is going all out to woo and impress isn't he?

Are you exchanging Christmas prezzies? This will give you some insight into the state pockets and/or if he is thougtful. (Not being materialistic but rather that you aren't given a regifted tin of expired biscuits)

Yep, another vote for red flag. If he's like this now, it'll only get worse as time goes on.

Oh god ... you're all going to banging your head against a wall. I've read countless threads like these over the many years on MN where the OP
just doesn't fucking listen despite everyone telling them the same thing!!

But .....

This isn't an OLD dating guy whom I know nothing about. This is a guy I've known over a year from a club we both attend. It was his kindness that made me agree to go on a "date" walking our dogs. How can he be a wrong 'un if he loves animals?? ;)

Anyway he is a mechanic and all the old people at the club go to his garage as he never charges them. He services and repairs charity minibuses .... no charge. I know this as I have been told by others. And even though he's physically not my type it made me look at him in a different way.

He was perplexed when I mentioned his tightness as he said "But you don't drink, don't want chocolates and didn't know you liked flowers"

The reason we've not gone out on many dates is because well we're both middle aged I can't be assed to do anything this time of year. The meal he booked was at a very expensive steak house, not his fault I couldn't make it. Although, he did tell me the morning we were supposed to be going, that he was coming down with something! That made my CF radar go off. If he'd cancelled I'd def have binned him but it was me who had double booked.

I know, I know .... please find a wall to bang your head against but I do think he's just thoughtless.

Let's see what happens when he brings round breakfast.

As regards Christmas presents he very excitedly told me last week that he'd bought my present. I haven't got him anything yet. Gonna have to run out later
today and get most of mine.

He was a bit cheesed off yesterday because my Xmas card hadn't arrived, I haven't bought him one. Hate the things!

Anyway watch this space see what I get for breakfast ;)

Have feeling he's going to 'sleep in' this morning. No one could be that oblivious

and I said "No it's ok I'll pay"
Well that's your own fault.

I also don't think its rude that he hasn't brought things to your house. I wouldn't necessarily think to do that.

The real measure is what he does now that you've told him how you feel. If he realises that you like to have things bought for you, so steps up and starts doing so, then fair enough.

Yes he is mean. But I wouldnt bin him off. I would talk to him and say that "I've either cooked or bought the food, so it's his turn to sort a meal". If he does, then great he's listening. If he doesn't, then he will never change.

Have you posted about him before?

Also stop offering to pay when its not your turn! Shouldn't really complain afterwards if you didn't mean it.

If my BF knew i didnt drink or eat chocolate, he would have brought me something else, because he likes to make me happy. We are "middle-aged" as well, and we still like to go for dinner or breakfast out, even at this time of year. Maybe see what he turns up with for breakfast today.

If you do decide to hang onto this one for a bit, tell him its his turn to cook, and hes more than welcome to borrow your kitchen... see what he makes of that.

Doing good things in public but behaving differently in private is quite common.

He should have offered to pay for his ticket

He should have been embarrassed to let you buy his groceries.

Can you try not paying for anything for a couple of weeks - don’t cook dinner unless he brings the food, certainly don’t buy show tickets - and see what happens?

I briefly dated a bloke who kept almost no food in the house. Then it turned out that all the food that was there was bought by his daughter who had a NMW job in retail. He was a reasonably well paid IT guy. He pretended he had no idea why I had a problem with eating his daughter’s food. That was the end of it.

For those of you that keep mentioning that I offered to pay for the food and it was my own fault he accepted, which I know it is. Again maybe it's a cultural thing but if I go out for coffee with mates it's normally always a "No I'll pay" "No I'll pay" routine!! Which ends up with I'll get this one you get next one.

And when I checked British Etiquette it comes up with

* I*t is always polite to offer to pay, even if you know that person wouldn’t dream of accepting it.

Anyway I do accept it's my "mistake" for offering ;)

Being mean is one thing, and sometimes, you can actually influence a change. My biggest concern would that he is mean because he is crap with money. It could also be that he is just on a low income, might have debts from previous relationship, paying much maintenance to kids, high mortgage/rent to have a big enough place to have them.

You say that you aim high, does this include financial stability? If so, do you know anything about his position?

@Dontdisturbmenow

Yup I know about his finances, (well
what he's told me) he pays regular maintenance for his kids, and is currently going through court to get access, and he never bad mouths his ex which are always a huge ticks in my dating checklist.

He owns his own home which he may end up having to sell when the divorce is finalised. She upped and left with another man to a town 200 miles away (so he says).

I'm sadly/wisely very cynical and take everything with a pinch of salt.

Doesn't sound great op

In the early stages of dating I would expect a big effort. Someone trying to impress me with kind gestures, you don’t like chocolate oh I’ve noticed that so I brought some cake that I know you do like type thing.
If this guy isn’t paying now he’s not going to and I think you know it. I’ve been in a relationship like that before and never again.