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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I over reacted? DH not home ( again) but is on his way.

165 replies

Iatetotheparty · 23/12/2019 19:59

We can’t be together for Christmas as DH working. We have this evening and most of tomorrow together. We don’t get much time to ourselves so I was looking forward to this evening.

We agreed we would cook a meal together after I finished work and have a quiet evening in.

He texted me at lunch time to say he was going out for a few drinks and getting a kebab . I didn’t reply.

As I arrive home and he phoned to say he’s on his way. I’m sure he was but I flipped and told him not to bother. I don’t doubt he meant well and would be home with his kebab in hand expecting me to settle down to an evening with him.

That was an hour ago. Because I shouted I’m guessing he’s staying out now , ie reverting to his normal default behaviour. He has form for this. It’s not a Christmas one off.

I’m thinking of getting in the car and driving to my Aunts 500 miles away for Christmas even if he does come home any time soon. I’ve had enough. I am supposed to be staying at home to sort out his needs between his long shifts.

OP posts:
LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 23/12/2019 22:49

He had successfully scheduled both friends and her.

No, he went out got smashed and got a kebab instead of the nice meal they'd planned. He's a 50 year old man not an 18 year old boy, whose partner is spending Christmas largely alone to support him and to be around for those brief in between sleep and shifts times. She clearly prioritises him, it wouldn't hurt him to do the same, when they had pre-arranged plans, plans designed to accommodate his schedule, not hers.

Quartz2208 · 23/12/2019 22:52

OP it seems you just want to be a priority for him rather than an afterthought. An evening spent together rather than him pitching up when he is ready.
This seems to be a breaking point for you that he decided he was going to do this and be late for your evening rather than making you the person he wanted to see

katy1213 · 23/12/2019 23:00

So what? He's on his way home - he's had a kebab - for most men that's a starter! He could easily have managed dinner with you as well.
But why would he rush home once he's been yelled at?
Think you spoiled the evening for yourself. (It did sound a bit dull, though. Did he even realise it was supposed to be special?)

BrokenWing · 23/12/2019 23:03

Was the dinner plans real joint plans such as I've bought a couple of steaks and fancy sides, he offered to make that nice dessert you like, agreed on a bottle of pinot noir, and to get out the fancy plates then watch Die Hard to feel Christmassy, or was it a loose staying in to eat and watch TV (like we do any other night)?

If the latter you should have said on his lunchtime call you thought you had plans together. What would he have done if you said that?

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2019 23:08

Think you spoiled the evening for yourself

Seriously?!

So by him getting plastered and stinking of a manky kebab which he ate instead of the special dinner a deux they had planned is HER spoiling the evening?! Even if she had said not one single word, the evening was ruined when he decided that a belly full of beer was more of a priority than her.

The cool wives really are out in force tonight arent they?

U2HasTheEdge · 23/12/2019 23:12

YANBU.

You wanted to be a priority and you weren't. My husband annoys the crap out of me when he is drunk, well even when he is merry! He is not a horrible drunk person, far from it actually, but he most certainly wouldn't be great company.

This is obviously not a one off and it's horrible when you are looking forward to something and it has been ruined.
Especially when you spend so much time making him a priority and your Xmas plans have revolved around him.

There are plenty of people who are always happy to excuse men for shit behaviour and you have attracted quite a few here. If my husband makes plans with me I expect him to stick to them, not ruin them because he has decided to go out and get drunk with his friends.

U2HasTheEdge · 23/12/2019 23:16

If the latter you should have said on his lunchtime call you thought you had plans together. What would he have done if you said that?

They made the plans together. He is an adult. He does not need reminding.

Original poster
Iatetotheparty · 23/12/2019 23:16

Honestly, I don’t think he’s ever asked my permission to do anything. If seeking my permission is implied then there have been times I’ve said “probably not because of x or y “ ... even then he does what he wants.
I honestly do understand he’s a grown up with choices. But so am I . I don’t regularly loose my temper but I did tonight. A full weekend of entertaining ( upto 15 people at any one time ) sandwiched between a full time job Finished me off.
Anyhow, talking to you all has probably defused an argument. I think he’s currently sulking in another part of the house.

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 23/12/2019 23:21

Are you nessa

ASimpleLampoon · 23/12/2019 23:23

I think he did what he did to get a reaction and that's what he got. But god forbid any woman should show human emotion when being provoked.

Original poster
Iatetotheparty · 23/12/2019 23:33

Katy. Yes the evening probably did sound dull but not to us . 7 o’clock is an early finish for me. We have teenage kids with us most nights. He works nights. Tonight was a bit of a rarity. We both agreed we were knackered and didn’t want to go out.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 23/12/2019 23:33

I don't think that's immature at all, he was being annoying and you'd be right to assert yourself. Letting him walk all over you would be immature.

Agreed. It sounds like he walks all over you OP. You don’t have to let him.

Does he ever put you first in anything?

HeckyPeck · 23/12/2019 23:35

I think he’s currently sulking in another part of the house

What does he have to sulk about?! That he fucked off your plans to get drunk with his mates? I suspect he’s sulking so you back down & let him get away with his continued crappy behaviour.

LemonTT · 24/12/2019 00:06

OP

If you want your day together tomorrow, then make a conscious decision to put this to rest. Enjoy your 24 hours as a couple. Get up late, lounge about and be kind to each other.

Honestly, we have all been there waiting for the return from the lads lunch. We get worked up because we know he will be late and somewhere between tipsy and pissed whilst you sit there waiting. I think genders can be swapped here.

Having learnt my lesson these days I just tell him to get on with it. Have a night out and we can find time together the next day. Bizarrely he will then come home on time and not more or less sober.

This just boils down to a man coming home late (not even that on your redefined Xmas eve). He has enough time to recover and for you both to have an indulgent day tomorrow.

Tomorrow the forum will have women waiting up till gone 5am waiting for a pissed up miscreant. She will be pregnant and they will have a long journey in front of them.

Original poster
Iatetotheparty · 24/12/2019 00:31

Fair enough Lemon. I can see your point of view.im just worried about setting my own bar too low. I appreciate there are others much worse off than me. My own personal standards is that we are supposed to look after each other. My plans to look after DH on his shift pattern started weeks ago and cannot be changed. My own children are with their Dad when they should have been here. His parents and family have been entertained. I’ve settled myself with a quiet week to ignore Xmas and look after DH and the dogs whilst he works . If I’m to make any kind of impression on him that his behaviour is not what I want from a relationship I feel my only option is just not be here for him. My Aunt would be happy to have me and doesn’t get much company so it seems like a good idea .

OP posts:
allthefood · 24/12/2019 03:10

Hahahaha. If you have a higher bar than a doormat and don't just 'let things go' then you must be really immature op. Don't you know the older you get and the more mature you are, the more crap you feel ok putting up with AND at least you aren't pregnant!

mulutole · 24/12/2019 03:43

It does sound like you were spiking for an argument to be honest.

mulutole · 24/12/2019 03:43

Spoiling!

Eminado · 24/12/2019 04:34

He is taking you for granted.

Go to your aunt’s and think about how to communicate this bit to him:

“. If I’m to make any kind of impression on him that his behaviour is not what I want from a relationship I feel my only option is just not be here for him.”

Flowers
Chillyegg · 24/12/2019 04:56

Ok your not over reacting the pp who’s bloody taking this thread over with the garbage that you are is in the wrong. If he’s never home and then takes off with his mates last min then yep I’d be upset too. Go to your aunts make your self happy. Life’s too short

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/12/2019 05:00

PlanDeRaccordement
No the if it’s ok with you is not implied I assure you. Unless and until you have a partner, who has form for going out and getting pissed and not coming back when agreed, perhaps you won’t get it. But please don’t presume to be in a position to understand what you haven’t experienced.

kateandme · 24/12/2019 05:06

is it evil of me for just once for a poster to go through with a question they ask on here.i know coming on here defuses things and so they dont but sometimes,sometimes i want someone to say "yep im here at my aunts"!

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/12/2019 05:11

This is you kate. totally 😈😈😈

Creepster · 24/12/2019 05:24

If you are feeling more like his servant than his partner go to your aunts for Christmas and have a nice break.

ChasingRainbows19 · 24/12/2019 06:31

I'd be annoyed if I'd organised my Xmas around him to the point OP has and he is working Christmas. So this was the time to spend together.

After an afternoon boozing he would be drunk n probably fall asleep not long after getting in so would have spoilt it anyway.
Good luck OP