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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I over reacted? DH not home ( again) but is on his way.

165 replies

Iatetotheparty · 23/12/2019 19:59

We can’t be together for Christmas as DH working. We have this evening and most of tomorrow together. We don’t get much time to ourselves so I was looking forward to this evening.

We agreed we would cook a meal together after I finished work and have a quiet evening in.

He texted me at lunch time to say he was going out for a few drinks and getting a kebab . I didn’t reply.

As I arrive home and he phoned to say he’s on his way. I’m sure he was but I flipped and told him not to bother. I don’t doubt he meant well and would be home with his kebab in hand expecting me to settle down to an evening with him.

That was an hour ago. Because I shouted I’m guessing he’s staying out now , ie reverting to his normal default behaviour. He has form for this. It’s not a Christmas one off.

I’m thinking of getting in the car and driving to my Aunts 500 miles away for Christmas even if he does come home any time soon. I’ve had enough. I am supposed to be staying at home to sort out his needs between his long shifts.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 22:02

As I arrive home and he phoned to say he’s on his way. I’m sure he was but I flipped and told him not to bother.

So he would have arrived home shortly after you did and decided to bring home a kebab instead of cooking dinner. What was there to be upset about? That he wasn’t home hours before you and waiting with a fully cooked meal on the table for you?

Fatted · 23/12/2019 22:04

Why didn't you just text him back earlier to say 'No we're having dinner together tonight, remember?'.

What is running away to your aunts really going to achieve apart from dragging the argument out even longer.

So many petty arguments happen in relationships just because people can't be the bigger person, be honest with people about their feelings and actually talk about things like civil adults. And I am talking from experience hear. When I ditched the silent treatment and mind games, and actually started talking to my DH, my relationship got much better.

Original poster
Iatetotheparty · 23/12/2019 22:09

I didn’t reply at as I was a bit irked and not helped that I read his text on a watch and was too busy at the time to find my phone to reply. Just thought to myself- he’s a grown up and can do as he likes but even he wouldn’t let me down tonight so I didn’t.
I get home after 7 ... which he knows so could have been home in plenty of time. Any how, he was at least 40 mins away at that point even if he found a taxi straight away. He already sounded drunk.

OP posts:
Turtletotem · 23/12/2019 22:16

Is he back yet? Have you heard from him?

NumbersStation · 23/12/2019 22:17

I’m not sure he should have needed reminding.

It is up to him if he goes out - of course it is. But it is rude to go out, get drunk and stuff a kebab down your throat when you’ve made plans to have a relaxing quiet dinner with your partner.

Sometimes you get fed up of being the bigger person all the time.

twinnywinny14 · 23/12/2019 22:17

Is he not home yet OP? This is about more than today’s trip to the pub, it’s about his attitude to you as his partner. You’re not having people there over Xmas to keep you company because he wants to come and go between shifts in peace? He blows you out to go to the pub even though it was important to you (Christmas or not it meant something to you) that really isn’t how you treat your partner x

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 22:19

All this over being home 40mins before him? It’s an over-reaction imho.

I feel like this is a twilight zone reverse of the 1950s. He even asked your permission to go to a boozy lunch while you were still at work. Is he not allowed to see friends for Christmas if it means he’s not home before you?

LemonTT · 23/12/2019 22:21

It’s an over reaction from me.

You were having a night in and day together tomorrow. Basically tonight is your Xmas eve. He went for drinks at lunchtime and was on his way home before 8. That’s not great but really not bad either. If you prefer a 500m drive to spending time with him tomorrow, do it.

I wouldn’t want to be in this relationship, whatever the rights and wrongs on both sides.

Fefifofaff · 23/12/2019 22:22

But why are the friends prioritized over his partner? Especially if it means he'll have eaten and be too drunk to enjoy their evening.

Butterymuffin · 23/12/2019 22:24

He didn't ask her permission, he told her.

OP I wouldn't want to drive 500 miles in a terrible mood, though. Is there no other option? I would book myself a nice hotel room and go there for Christmas and leave him to sort himself out between his bloody shifts.

CaptainCabinets · 23/12/2019 22:26

Ugh you sound horrid, I think I’d be staying out too! He’s happily on his way home and you screech at him to not bother, then whine on here when he does as you suggest? Confused

What exactly do you want? Are you twelve?

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 22:26

I don’t think friends are being prioritised over his partner.

  • He went to lunch and afternoon drinks while partner was still at work
  • He had agreed to dinner and a night in, starting after 7 when she arrives home from work

When she arrived home, he called her and was on his way and would have been there in under an hour. They would still have had their dinner and evening in if OP had not flipped out and shouted at him “not to bother” coming home. She cancelled the evening, not him. He had successfully scheduled both friends and her.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 22:28

He didn't ask her permission, he told her

He texted her before going out to lunch. That was her chance to tell him no. She chose not to respond.

Original poster
Iatetotheparty · 23/12/2019 22:30

To be fair Plan and Lemon have a point. Which is why I asked the question. If it was just tonight I would not mind but it’s not. I think I am the more grown up “bigger person” in our relationship and this is where it has got me.
He came home after 9pm . Given I was at work until 7pm that still feels pretty hurtful.
He didn’t ask for permission to go out by the way, he text to say he was going out and then getting a Kebab.

OP posts:
RLOU30 · 23/12/2019 22:30

They would still have had their dinner and evening in

Wasn’t he already getting a kebab ?

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 22:31

It’s not clear if the kebab was lunch or what he was bringing home for them to eat together for dinner.

Original poster
Iatetotheparty · 23/12/2019 22:32

He went to lunch and afternoon drinks Grin.... you clearly don’t know my DH. He went boozing on an empty stomach with his mates and got a Kebab on the walk home . Very different things .

OP posts:
SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 23/12/2019 22:33

How many times has he done this sort of thing before?

From the way you've reacted, I'm guessing it's quite a few times. You sound really fed up.

As a one off, of course this would be an overreaction. But this isn't anywhere close to a one off, is it?

SunshineCake · 23/12/2019 22:33

Missing point there Plan.

RLOU30 · 23/12/2019 22:34

He texted her before going out to lunch. That was her chance to tell him no. She chose not to respond.

So you agree- he didn’t ask her permission?

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 22:36

He came home after 9pm . Given I was at work until 7pm that still feels pretty hurtful.

Yes, that would be hurtful except you had shouted at him and told him not to bother coming home. Did that affect when he finally got home? As in did he decide to wait an hour for you to calm down/get less angry? When would he have been home if the on my way phone call had gone better (if any difference)? And was he drunk? I agree rolling home drunk would be hurtful too. A bit sauced ok, but blind drunk not ok.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 22:39

I think the bone of contention is not that he’s gone out but that he gets drunk and that makes him bad company for when he is with you later on.

LadyAllegraImelda · 23/12/2019 22:39

Definitely go to your aunt's, I had an ex who would deliberately do this sort of thing so he had an excuse to stay out, best thing I ever did was get rid.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 22:43

he didn’t ask her permission?

To me, checking a DP has no objection before doing something is a form of asking permission. The “if it’s ok with you” bit is just dropped off texts because it is implied. That’s how I see it, youre free to have a different opinion though.

mediumbrownmug · 23/12/2019 22:45

As your entire Christmas plan consisted of cooking and eating together when you got off work, I’d say getting drunk, eating dinner, and coming home hours late means he chucked it all out the window when something better came along. To all those saying the lunchtime text was her chance to say no, her DH is an adult that was not only aware of their dinner plans already, but had actively and equally participated in making those plans. The text wasn’t “her chance to say no” to HIS plan, it was her DH actively breaking THEIR plan.

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