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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I over reacted? DH not home ( again) but is on his way.

165 replies

Iatetotheparty · 23/12/2019 19:59

We can’t be together for Christmas as DH working. We have this evening and most of tomorrow together. We don’t get much time to ourselves so I was looking forward to this evening.

We agreed we would cook a meal together after I finished work and have a quiet evening in.

He texted me at lunch time to say he was going out for a few drinks and getting a kebab . I didn’t reply.

As I arrive home and he phoned to say he’s on his way. I’m sure he was but I flipped and told him not to bother. I don’t doubt he meant well and would be home with his kebab in hand expecting me to settle down to an evening with him.

That was an hour ago. Because I shouted I’m guessing he’s staying out now , ie reverting to his normal default behaviour. He has form for this. It’s not a Christmas one off.

I’m thinking of getting in the car and driving to my Aunts 500 miles away for Christmas even if he does come home any time soon. I’ve had enough. I am supposed to be staying at home to sort out his needs between his long shifts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iatetotheparty · 23/12/2019 21:05

Billie. Not these ones , to much raw cabbage but yes you may be right. I was ready for a row tonight. Not very mature of me but we all have a breaking point.

OP posts:
LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 23/12/2019 21:05

I'd be cross, pre DS , DH and I always had Christmas Eve just us, nice meal bottle of wine etc in the very early days we'd then get up Christmas morning b exchange gifts and head off to our respective families, that then became going together to one lot on Christmas Day and the other on boxing Day, FF a few years and we had a house big enough to host everyone but Christmas Eve was for just us, sometimes we'd go to a carol service, cinema, restaurant etc, sometimes we'd stay home but no friends, no family, our night, because Christmas is about everyone , especially when one of you is working. If he'd gone off to the pub and got a kebab instead I would've been livid. We have DS now so tomorrow we're going to a Christmas fayre with him but tomorrow evening we'll have a nice night to ourselves when he's in bed. I would feel completely let down in your shoes. Go to your aunt's

BillieEilish · 23/12/2019 21:08

OP just try to relax a bit and be the bigger person here. I am surprised you are 49 TBH.

You clearly needed a rant and fair enough Grin

But seriously? To drive 500 miles? NO. He'll be home in a minute.

NaviSprite · 23/12/2019 21:10

Personally I’d stick around to let him know what an insensitive and selfish dick he’s been but that’s me.

YANBU to be annoyed that he’s preferred getting pissed since lunch time and bringing home a kebab than having the planned evening you had - especially considering you won’t be spending Christmas together due to his work.

You say he’s had previous form for this around Christmas time, how about the rest of the year? Does he often put his own wants ahead of your relationship? If he’s generally not like this until Christmas where he goes a bit stupid then I’d say to have a conversation with him about how his behaviour impacted you, if he’s like it a lot of the time then maybe a more serious conversation is needed.

Junie70 · 23/12/2019 21:10

He's treated you really unkindly OP, when he knew you didn't have a lot of time together over Christmas and tonight was important to you.

I would be really hurt, too.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 23/12/2019 21:12

Yanbu, I think that's quite rude when you've planned the evening together. If he does this sort of thing a lot, I'm not surprised you've reached your limit. What was the original plan for your Christmas Day? Were you going to spend it alone while he worked?

Interestedwoman · 23/12/2019 21:15

' I was ready for a row tonight. Not very mature of me but we all have a breaking point.'

I don't think that's immature at all, he was being annoying and you'd be right to assert yourself. Letting him walk all over you would be immature.

TryingToBeBold · 23/12/2019 21:15

You could have just replied and said

I'd rather you didnt.. I have plans for dinner like we agreed.

NaviSprite · 23/12/2019 21:21

Exactly what Interestedwoman said - I don’t think it’s immature to assert yourself and let him know it’s not okay.

Even if you did reply earlier and ask him not to, I’d still be annoyed in your shoes, is it too much to ask he remember your plans and actually value them as a priority.

Raphael34 · 23/12/2019 21:27

I’m surprised there are people sticking up for the oh. Given that he’s already pissed, the evening is no longer salvageable

McCanne · 23/12/2019 21:29

I think that’s really hurtful behaviour by him tbh. I used to go out with a guy who would drop or change our plans at the drop of a hat, especially if it involved the pub or alcohol - he was totally thoughtless and it was a depressing way to live. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, especially if he’s got previous.

Okbutno · 23/12/2019 21:30

@BillieEilish you sound like the one looking for a row.
@Iatetotheparty there's obviously back story here, you say he has done this before. So it sounds like one in a line of many selfish actions that are hurtful. Even if he hadn't done this before I'd be upset that my partner showed up late and drunk to what was going to be our main Christmas time. I don't think that's an immature attitude. You just want your partner to value you and time with you.

girlygirl98 · 23/12/2019 21:32

I go through this sort of thing with mine. He does something to annoy me, I get upset and then he uses my moaning as an excuse for doing what he wants i.e going to the pub. I swear they plan it

safariboot · 23/12/2019 21:33

YANBU. He said he was going to come straight home after work to spend time with you, then decided he'd rather go off drinking with his mates.

girlygirl98 · 23/12/2019 21:35

I would go to your Aunts if you have no children to consider

TwoOddSocks · 23/12/2019 21:37

I am supposed to be staying at home to sort out his needs between his long shifts.

WTF? You're meant to spend Christmas alone waiting to make him a sandwich between shifts? NO Thanks go to your aunt's.

saraclara · 23/12/2019 21:45

He texted me at lunch time to say he was going out for a few drinks and getting a kebab . I didn’t reply.

That was a bit passive aggressive. Why didn't you just reply with a reminder of the plans you'd made? You could have avoided this and had the evening you wanted, but you chose to pull the silent tactic. It's almost as if you wanted the evening ruined so that you could complain.

Idontkowmyname · 23/12/2019 21:49

This is op’s Christmas Day in effect and “DH” has buggered off to the pub to get drunk and has looked after only himself for dinner leaving op in the lurch and their well made plans down the drain. I think it’s understandable she’s peeved, and if she needs to drive 500 miles to see someone who gives a damn then so be it. This is not just down to events of one night, merely the straw that broke the camels back

Quartz2208 · 23/12/2019 21:50

OP it seems you just want to be a priority for him rather than an afterthought. An evening spent together rather than him pitching up when he is ready.
This seems to be a breaking point for you that he decided he was going to do this and be late for your evening rather than making you the person he wanted to see

Original poster
Iatetotheparty · 23/12/2019 21:50

Not a Christmas thing. A year round thing. No children to consider this week as I organised wider family events and activities around DHs shifts. We had our families this weekend to celebrate Christmas so that DH could come and go during his shifts in peace.

OP posts:
NaviSprite · 23/12/2019 21:54

Jesus no wonder you’re angry OP and I wouldn’t listen to those saying you are looking for a fight or whatever, it is never too much to ask your partner be considerate towards you and put you as a priority in his life... not swan in and out of the house whenever he feels like it. I’m sorry it does sound like the last straw Sad

If you think Christmas at your Aunts would be better I’d go if I were in your position.

Original poster
Iatetotheparty · 23/12/2019 21:55

Quartz. Yes indeed. Thank you .

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 23/12/2019 21:59

he's a selfish prick OP.

category12 · 23/12/2019 21:59

Maybe you should stop facilitating him so well.

PityParty4one · 23/12/2019 22:00

Why would you not say anything when he text to say he was going out?

I would have said " Have you changed plans? It was our night in tonight with a meal."

Yes he should have remembered your plans but to not text back means the selfish sod took your lack of response as a yes.

If he has form for "forgetting" your plans then you do need to discuss if you two have a future.

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