I have been with DP for 22 years. He is one of three brothers, he's quite well travelled, and professionally successful. He is not racist or homophobic. He was bullied by both brothers growing up, which has affected him a lot.
I think his two brothers are generally highly jealous of him- they are both intelligent but have not been successful in their careers and have never moved from their home town. For 22 years now I have seen nothing but snipy bitchy put downs towards my husband, more like kind of thing you would expect from primary age kids. The brothers are actually quite affectionate towards me, but see me as fair game and utterly laughable as I have socialist views and can't stand racism and homophobia. They 'tease' me constantly by making racist comments. The dad joins in. They are definitely enjoying goading me, but they are also small town, bitter, unsuccessful angry men who genuinely also believe Daily Mail immigrant ranting crap and try to 'explain' their views.
I want to support my husband and see his family (especially his mum who is lovely and not at all well). However this Christmas (yesterday) we got together as usual in their town (we live further away, they all live yards from each other) and the constant racism was incessant. Both have split from long term partners this year and I think their GFs have acted as civilising influences in the past. Every other comment was racist. I never want to see either brother again. Racism is in my view a horrible thing that hurts people in very real ways. They realise how I feel but they do not care enough to stop the comments for a few hours, so should I feel bad even though they clearly love me?
My husband would want to continue to see them, I am sure, which is fine (although he finds their views completely unacceptable). I don't think he can really discuss it with them. They have very poor social skills, are frequently aggressive and have had huge fallings out in front of their parents in the last few years including a fist fight at a very upsetting time. The dad was so upset he was rushed to hospital with heart problems. So I won't be asking my husband to talk reasonably to them as they are not capable of it. My daughters love their uncles, ignore the racist crap and are not remotely influenced by it.
My side of the family is rife with conflicts so I know how much they upset everyone. Me no longer visiting if the brothers will be there will have to be openly discussed...mum and dad are too frail to travel to us and mum invites the brothers over every time we visit as she loves all her boys together. I love this lady and she has had a horrible few years with her health. She would find it very hard to understand and would just tell me to ignore the comments. But I am struggling to do so. Help!!