To refuse to go to racist family gatherings?

[Fizzysours]

I have been with DP for 22 years. He is one of three brothers, he's quite well travelled, and professionally successful. He is not racist or homophobic. He was bullied by both brothers growing up, which has affected him a lot.

I think his two brothers are generally highly jealous of him- they are both intelligent but have not been successful in their careers and have never moved from their home town. For 22 years now I have seen nothing but snipy bitchy put downs towards my husband, more like kind of thing you would expect from primary age kids. The brothers are actually quite affectionate towards me, but see me as fair game and utterly laughable as I have socialist views and can't stand racism and homophobia. They 'tease' me constantly by making racist comments. The dad joins in. They are definitely enjoying goading me, but they are also small town, bitter, unsuccessful angry men who genuinely also believe Daily Mail immigrant ranting crap and try to 'explain' their views.

I want to support my husband and see his family (especially his mum who is lovely and not at all well). However this Christmas (yesterday) we got together as usual in their town (we live further away, they all live yards from each other) and the constant racism was incessant. Both have split from long term partners this year and I think their GFs have acted as civilising influences in the past. Every other comment was racist. I never want to see either brother again. Racism is in my view a horrible thing that hurts people in very real ways. They realise how I feel but they do not care enough to stop the comments for a few hours, so should I feel bad even though they clearly love me?

My husband would want to continue to see them, I am sure, which is fine (although he finds their views completely unacceptable). I don't think he can really discuss it with them. They have very poor social skills, are frequently aggressive and have had huge fallings out in front of their parents in the last few years including a fist fight at a very upsetting time. The dad was so upset he was rushed to hospital with heart problems. So I won't be asking my husband to talk reasonably to them as they are not capable of it. My daughters love their uncles, ignore the racist crap and are not remotely influenced by it.

My side of the family is rife with conflicts so I know how much they upset everyone. Me no longer visiting if the brothers will be there will have to be openly discussed...mum and dad are too frail to travel to us and mum invites the brothers over every time we visit as she loves all her boys together. I love this lady and she has had a horrible few years with her health. She would find it very hard to understand and would just tell me to ignore the comments. But I am struggling to do so. Help!!

Being against racism requires actively saying so. It requires anti-racism.

Being against racism without saying so is actually just cohabiting with racism.

I shall quote myself ageshallnotwitherher

"And if you see someone standing up for something they believe in you can just sneer 'virtue signalling' or 'paid for by Soros' and go about your mean little lives, making everything you touch that bit more miserable"

And ask you - what's your complaint about? Why is it skin off your nose that someone's publicly talking about the harm racism does?

Just call them out on it. Tell them some facts to contradict their bigotry. DH’s brothers are like this and I tell them on the yearly visit that we don't say that stuff anymore as it’s not 1974 or whatever. No one laughs - my kids are teenagers. One of DH’s friend's met them at a function and was disgusted by their ‘humour’ and he is pretty much on the line himself. I don’t care what they think of me because I don’t think much of them.

Racism is not ok. It's a deal breaker for me.
I cannot and will not tolerate it.
If you feel it's unacceptable to you too, then you need to speak up loud and clear.

While I agree their behaviour is dreadful from your extract, putting the topic to one side this is not your relationship to destroy. It is your husbands family, it is his relationship primarily your relationship with them is secondary. How does your husband want to manage his relationship with his family?

Let him deal with his family rather than making a grand faux gesture after 22 years of saying nothing. You can quite simply make yourself and your children less present without starting conflicts.

"You can quite simply make yourself and your children less present without starting conflicts"

But she's not starting conflicts marchitect, she's responding to deliberate provocation.

Why is it always on the non-bigot to keep the peace? And when you say something someone will say "well you might've persuaded me but you said it was racist so I'll just keep on voting for Johnson"

Absolute cuntery.

Awful lot of these "my -insert family/friends here- are racist and or prejudice in some way aibu to go nc/report to police/burn their house down? If you dont instantly agree with me then obviously you are worse than Hitler" type posts. Anyone mentioned Brexit or tory`s yet? Ashamed to be British blah blah?

I’m not seeing the Daily Mail/Britain First raving lunatics out in force on this thread, just some fairly moderate and empathic views. Not sure why you’re doing the extreme racism bingo here?

You say op is virtue signaling, woke, snobbish etc. for not tolerating racist remarks?

It appears that posters are only anti-racist when convenient. Apparently it is worse looking down on people making discriminating comments, than it is being a racist.