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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to go to racist family gatherings?

108 replies

Fizzysours · 23/12/2019 14:31

I have been with DP for 22 years. He is one of three brothers, he's quite well travelled, and professionally successful. He is not racist or homophobic. He was bullied by both brothers growing up, which has affected him a lot.

I think his two brothers are generally highly jealous of him- they are both intelligent but have not been successful in their careers and have never moved from their home town. For 22 years now I have seen nothing but snipy bitchy put downs towards my husband, more like kind of thing you would expect from primary age kids. The brothers are actually quite affectionate towards me, but see me as fair game and utterly laughable as I have socialist views and can't stand racism and homophobia. They 'tease' me constantly by making racist comments. The dad joins in. They are definitely enjoying goading me, but they are also small town, bitter, unsuccessful angry men who genuinely also believe Daily Mail immigrant ranting crap and try to 'explain' their views.

I want to support my husband and see his family (especially his mum who is lovely and not at all well). However this Christmas (yesterday) we got together as usual in their town (we live further away, they all live yards from each other) and the constant racism was incessant. Both have split from long term partners this year and I think their GFs have acted as civilising influences in the past. Every other comment was racist. I never want to see either brother again. Racism is in my view a horrible thing that hurts people in very real ways. They realise how I feel but they do not care enough to stop the comments for a few hours, so should I feel bad even though they clearly love me?

My husband would want to continue to see them, I am sure, which is fine (although he finds their views completely unacceptable). I don't think he can really discuss it with them. They have very poor social skills, are frequently aggressive and have had huge fallings out in front of their parents in the last few years including a fist fight at a very upsetting time. The dad was so upset he was rushed to hospital with heart problems. So I won't be asking my husband to talk reasonably to them as they are not capable of it. My daughters love their uncles, ignore the racist crap and are not remotely influenced by it.

My side of the family is rife with conflicts so I know how much they upset everyone. Me no longer visiting if the brothers will be there will have to be openly discussed...mum and dad are too frail to travel to us and mum invites the brothers over every time we visit as she loves all her boys together. I love this lady and she has had a horrible few years with her health. She would find it very hard to understand and would just tell me to ignore the comments. But I am struggling to do so. Help!!

OP posts:
dontcallmeduck · 23/12/2019 15:52

You sound like you look down on them for not being successful careers and staying in their hometown. You talk of their small town mentality. This makes you a snob. Who has said they are unsuccessful in their careers, maybe they are happy.

The racism I would not and do not tolerate with my IL’s however you need to stop looking down your nose at them and may find they are more welcoming to your opinion that way.

damnthatanxiety · 23/12/2019 15:53

small town, bitter, unsuccessful angry men

Love this description Grin

Sewrainbow · 23/12/2019 15:56

I said yabu. For these reasons;

Your children are grown up, they won't be influenced by them.

Your mil has been unwell and may have limited life left to enjoy with you all.

She is lovely and not racist you say.

You've been going for this long knowing what they're like.

They won't change, sadly. They're your husband's family though and if wants to see them I'd go, conceal my contempt, not ride to any goading and avoid contentious issues during conversation.

Original poster
Fizzysours · 23/12/2019 15:58

It is hard not to look down my nose at people who genuinely believe anyone who is not white is ugly, untrustworthy, lazy, sponging, stupid and generally repugnant. Look, I know how mumsnet goes...the jobs are a red herring here, some of the people I admire most in the world have pursued low paid jobs or stayed home to raise kids. The brothers have always attacked my husband. Maybe it's nothing to do with the jobs and more because he does not fight back? Who cares. He's lovely. They bully him. And their kids. And girlfriends. And they target me to wind me up. To them it is hilarious. It's not reasonable debate...it's 'racist remark bingo because that right on sister in law is such a snowflake'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzysours · 23/12/2019 16:01

Sewrainbow I think you are right. I love MIL and I love my husband. He will be grilled if I don't visit. Sigh......I do believe in taking a stand... I have witnessed the pain racism causes :(

OP posts:
dontcallmeduck · 23/12/2019 16:07

My in laws are racist, our children are young however so we tell them not to talk like that in front of the children. They also goad us with their racist and homophobic comments. We’ve reduced visiting and every comment they make is addressed and they are told we won’t tolerate it. They no longer do it in front of the children and rarely do it in front of us.

I am also viewed as the unsuccessful, small mentality sibling from my DB and SIL. We are looked down on because we have stayed close to my home, this is because someone needs to be around for the elderly relatives we have but they haven’t bothered asking. We don’t have the successful careers they have but we are happy on our £80k household income seeing our children for breakfast and dinner each night and both being involved in their activities. Yet we are considered unsuccessful and this makes visits with my DB and SiL awful. They may well be acting up to counteract your treatment of them which you may or may not be aware of.

nokidshere · 23/12/2019 16:07

Well I don't mind a bit of confrontation and would continue to call them out on it or just walk away. Some of my sisters have views I am not comfortable with but I am not willing to give up my family because of those views. I either debate with my own views, ignore or leave the room.

Original poster
Fizzysours · 23/12/2019 16:08

Damthatanxiety fair point. That came across as really judgemental. I guess they were so vile yesterday that I just feel like I hate them. I have had 22 years of their shitty comments. But that was wrong of me. They are both very bitter though...and they both hate their jobs and the way they get treated at work.

OP posts:
Thornhill58 · 23/12/2019 16:09

What do they say that is racist?

aintnothinbutagstring · 23/12/2019 16:11

I think you're quite within your rights to look down at them if that's their attitude, they sound quite scary, funny how racists only seem to utilise fear and intimidation to get their views across. And yes, racism does hurt people deeply. Enjoy your Xmas without them I say!

Original poster
Fizzysours · 23/12/2019 16:15

Constant racist terms for certain minority groups. I don't want to repeat them. That darker skinned girls are ugly. That other races lie and steal and are unhygienic and work shy. And deal drugs. And steal benefits and live illegally in filthy houses. It is constant. Yesterday the comments were about every ten minutes. For six hours. And...for context...they were just thrown in. None related to the chats people were having. Which is why I suspect they ramp it up as they enjoy targetting me. I have tried asking them to stop before. They just go into long rants. It's not fair on MIL and others to challenge them as they get so aggressive (see above) and I cannot do that to MIL who is post serious multi-op cancer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzysours · 23/12/2019 16:16

Thanks gstring!!!! You have a lovely one too!!!!

OP posts:
derxa · 23/12/2019 16:19

Yesterday the comments were about every ten minutes. For six hours.
That doesn't sound normal at all.

LimpidPools · 23/12/2019 16:24

So they're aggressive fish in a small pond. Fish that never grew quite as big as they wanted to.

Frankly, dontcallmeduck, I think you're intentionally missing the point. It's generally accepted that travel broadens the mind. Staying in one place all your life tends not to. Especially if you already lean towards small-minded racism and bigotry.

It is perfectly possible to spend all your life in a small town or somewhere more rural and be broad-minded, interested and interesting.

Doesn't sound like that's the path these guys have taken though. And I'm pretty sure we can all recognise the kind of person the OP is describing. And most of us don't find it particularly appealing. That's not snobbery.

They sound horrible. And they're the ones causing the problem. I think you need to stop your MIL from inviting them every single time you visit. Maybe 1 time in 4 would be more bearable? And explain why. Forcefully. I mean, it's not "just" the racism is it? They bully everyone and that's what they're using to bully you.

No wonder you don't like seeing them. They sound very unpleasant.

longtimelurkerhelen · 23/12/2019 16:29

Why are some people so racist? Do they believe they had some choice into which race they are born? It just shows their ignorance and stupidity. I don’t blame you for looking down your nose at them. Just give them a Mona Lisa smile (of condescension and pity) and ignore their vile comments. It must be a horrible way to live having all that hate inside themselves.

Hope you have a lovely christmas with you nice dh and mil.

BumbleBeee69 · 23/12/2019 16:35

22 Years and you're only now deciding to decline ?? may I ask why you've been happy to entertain this behaviour for 22 years OP ? Confused

Chunkers · 23/12/2019 16:43

Don’t make arrangements, just turn up as a nice surprise and if MIL reaches for the phone ask her not to or just say its a flying visit. Bring food, etc. So she doesn’t have to cater. If there is an arranged gathering, turn up the day before or the day after with last minute reasons for the change of plan. I doubt you can change them. Good luck.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/12/2019 16:46

they target me to wind me up. To them it is hilarious

They sound like pigs with whom sweet reason isn't going to work, but surely even they can only enjoy themselves if they get a reaction

Since your girls are impervious to their ghastly views, and because you still want to see MIL, why not treat them with the contempt they deserve by simply cutting them dead?

"It's disgusting how these a, b or c's do x, y or z"
"Do you really think so? How sad"
"Ooooo look, OP's sticking up for them again!!"
"Do you really think so? How sad"

And turn away ...

Original poster
Fizzysours · 23/12/2019 16:49

I guess I have a lot of conflict in my family and see the pain it has caused...and I am very aware that my DH has been targetted by these brothers, so I felt it was best to swerve confrontations to save him from any more stress. But I feel guilty about this because I feel this is in some way tolerating utter intolerance. Families I guess are complex. All the cousins adore each other. But I would not ask my daughters to avoid family parties. I would not see this as my decision to make. I wouldn't really discuss my non attendance with them.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 23/12/2019 16:49

but for 22 YEARS !?

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 23/12/2019 16:50

I would have mothing to do with them but see mIL separately and support her as mucg as you can

Original poster
Fizzysours · 23/12/2019 16:51

Puzzled I do try this but they don't stop. They increase the comments to try to get a rise. It's tiring :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzysours · 23/12/2019 16:53

I know bumble. Are you proud of me for not RAMMING MY HEAD INTO THE CHRISTMAS PUDDING TO MUFFLE OUT THE CRAP????? Families eh. :😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
dontcallmeduck · 23/12/2019 17:02

@LimpidPools I don’t think I am missing the point. I have said I don’t tolerate racism at all and have raised it with my IL’s as needed. I do it at the time though so that 22 years later it’s not a surprise how strongly I feel.

But the OP is also derogatory towards them, yes perhaps and likely because she’s upset which is prejudice in its own form.

dontcallmeduck · 23/12/2019 17:04

When my IL’s get worse for us mentioning it, a simple “we’ll leave if you’re going to carry on like that” works. If not then we have left.

It helps that DH is of the same opinion and will say “don’t speak like that in front of our children or you won’t be seeing them”

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