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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to go to racist family gatherings?

108 replies

Fizzysours · 23/12/2019 14:31

I have been with DP for 22 years. He is one of three brothers, he's quite well travelled, and professionally successful. He is not racist or homophobic. He was bullied by both brothers growing up, which has affected him a lot.

I think his two brothers are generally highly jealous of him- they are both intelligent but have not been successful in their careers and have never moved from their home town. For 22 years now I have seen nothing but snipy bitchy put downs towards my husband, more like kind of thing you would expect from primary age kids. The brothers are actually quite affectionate towards me, but see me as fair game and utterly laughable as I have socialist views and can't stand racism and homophobia. They 'tease' me constantly by making racist comments. The dad joins in. They are definitely enjoying goading me, but they are also small town, bitter, unsuccessful angry men who genuinely also believe Daily Mail immigrant ranting crap and try to 'explain' their views.

I want to support my husband and see his family (especially his mum who is lovely and not at all well). However this Christmas (yesterday) we got together as usual in their town (we live further away, they all live yards from each other) and the constant racism was incessant. Both have split from long term partners this year and I think their GFs have acted as civilising influences in the past. Every other comment was racist. I never want to see either brother again. Racism is in my view a horrible thing that hurts people in very real ways. They realise how I feel but they do not care enough to stop the comments for a few hours, so should I feel bad even though they clearly love me?

My husband would want to continue to see them, I am sure, which is fine (although he finds their views completely unacceptable). I don't think he can really discuss it with them. They have very poor social skills, are frequently aggressive and have had huge fallings out in front of their parents in the last few years including a fist fight at a very upsetting time. The dad was so upset he was rushed to hospital with heart problems. So I won't be asking my husband to talk reasonably to them as they are not capable of it. My daughters love their uncles, ignore the racist crap and are not remotely influenced by it.

My side of the family is rife with conflicts so I know how much they upset everyone. Me no longer visiting if the brothers will be there will have to be openly discussed...mum and dad are too frail to travel to us and mum invites the brothers over every time we visit as she loves all her boys together. I love this lady and she has had a horrible few years with her health. She would find it very hard to understand and would just tell me to ignore the comments. But I am struggling to do so. Help!!

OP posts:
mbosnz · 23/12/2019 19:35

I have a racist and homophobic FIL who thinks it's highly entertaining to bait and goad me with his repugnant views.

I also have a lesbian and a bi-sexual daughter.

DH is now on his own when it comes to dealing with his prattish bigot of a father. I support him maintaining his relationship with him, (he's the only one in the family who continues to acknowledge his father), but the girls no longer are prepared to speak to him, and I'm quite definitely out. We're lucky though, 12,000 miles means that contact is limited to skype, text and email.

AgeShallNotWitherHer · 23/12/2019 19:36

Either see your family or don't. Really no-one cares. The racist stuff is you virtue-signalling that you are avoiding your partner's family for "noble" reasons rather than the fact that you don't like them.

You are so sure that YANBU that you can't believe that anyone might vote otherwise and want to know why. Basically we all have to deal with people we don't like - or we don't. The fact that they may or may not be racists is neither here nor there.

BonnyConnie · 23/12/2019 19:45

There is definitely an overtime of snobbery in your post, but then again most people are snobbish towards someone. Own your snobbery, it’s not a crime. It will help you acknowledge that part of the issue is the way you see them in relation to you. They are your backwards, unsuccessful, unlikeabke, unworldly relations and you resent having to put up with their teasing you. There’s nothing wrong in that but it’s very much a motivation for you jo matter how much you want it to be because you can’t stand racism. If you couldn’t stand racism you would have ended this one way or another a long time ago. You haven’t, it’s not just about that then is it?

BigChocFrenzy · 23/12/2019 19:54

Many of us put family before principles and just grit our teeth

e.g. some of my late mother's church friends described the idea of a gay bishop who was being proposed in their area as "satanic" and made several other homophobic remarks

I avoided making any comment because they were an important part of her life - she was in her late 80s then - and I prioritised her before my principles
So shoot me

strawberrieshortcake · 23/12/2019 19:55

@AgeShallNotWitherHer@bonnyconnie or maybe she is at breaking point with their racism and she just can’t stand it anymore?

How is saying you are against racism ‘virtue-signalling’ seems you’ve been reading to many Katie Hopkins tweets.

strawberrieshortcake · 23/12/2019 19:56

@BigChocFrenzy if you are happy to do that then good for you.
OP isn’t.

BigChocFrenzy · 23/12/2019 19:56

In this case, I wonder if they are jealous of the OP and her DH being much more successful in life
and this is the best way they have found to wind them up and distract talk away from jobs / careers

BigChocFrenzy · 23/12/2019 19:58

I wasn't happy at all and went NC after my mum died
I was explaining why people may unwillingly put up with homophobic or racial slurs for years

Justsocross · 23/12/2019 20:04

Go for your mil she may not have many Christmases left . I know how hard it is I have the same problem not quite as bad but enough to be uncomfortable. But it could be your dh last Christmas with his dm

dontcallmeduck · 23/12/2019 20:09

@BonnyConnie I wish I could articulate myself as well as you. This is what I was thinking but just couldn’t get the words to get my point across.

namechange1041 · 23/12/2019 20:14

I wouldn't go if I were you. Racism is not ok and you shouldn't have to just put up with it or ignore it. You shouldn't even have to hear it, it's disgusting and shocking that people are like that.
I honestly wouldn't go, it's making you unhappy and i think they're being extremely unfair.
I know you want to go for MIL but you can't just ignore the racist comments.

madcatladyforever · 23/12/2019 20:23

Sorry but I would refuse to have anything to do with them at all. I'd invite mum over and none of the others, I get patients coming into my clinic for treatment and then have to listen to a half an hour rascist bonanza/rant about immigrants stealing jobs etc etc.
Maybe they think because I'm blond/blue eyed i want to listen to that shit but I get outraged because my siblings are mixed race and I don't like them spoken about like that by some fat old gammon. It really pisses me off.

derxa · 23/12/2019 20:31

Awful lot of these "my -insert family/friends here- are racist and or prejudice in some way aibu to go nc/report to police/burn their house down? If you dont instantly agree with me then obviously you are worse than Hitler" type posts. Anyone mentioned Brexit or tory`s yet? Ashamed to be British blah blah? This

Tellmetruth4 · 23/12/2019 20:40

I echo PP that they’re bitter and jealous so want to hurt your Achilles heal. Have yet to meet a racist who’s genuinely happy with their own lives.

OlaEliza · 23/12/2019 20:48

derxa I hate racism but you sound like an utter snob

Exactly what I was just thinking.

DameFanny · 23/12/2019 21:07

And out come the racism apologists who came believe that someone could be anti-racist without having a gasp ulterior motive.

How sad to live in a world where you can't just believe in the right thing for its own sake. Where you can't see someone doing something good, or standing up for a principle, without thinking they're up to something or pretending.

But if you go through life assuming that everyone is as mean-spirited as you then you never have to try to do better. And if you see someone standing up for something they believe in you can just sneer 'virtue signalling' or 'paid for by Soros' and go about your mean little lives, making everything you touch that bit more miserable.

And it's not like it even makes you happy is it? Cos you're only really happy when you can be sure that someone else is less happy than you.

1066vegan · 23/12/2019 21:20

What @DameFanny just said. 😊

Tellmetruth4 · 23/12/2019 21:48

Also what @DameFanny said!!!

dontcallmeduck · 23/12/2019 21:54

What would be the tipping point to say I’ve had enough of this racism after 22 years though @DameFanny? Surely if there were no other issues it would come much sooner such as when the children were young and impressionable?

I do not tolerate racism from anyone and challenge it when I come across it, or I just remove that person from my life. But I wouldn’t allow it to continue for this length of time then cut contact after 22 years without there being something else.

DameFanny · 23/12/2019 21:59

But she's said she's challenged it before @dontcallmeduck - and they deliberately wind her up more. So I guess the tipping point is now - because that's why she's started the thread..?

PhilSwagielka · 23/12/2019 22:05

So being against racism is virtue signalling. Good to know. Does that include anti-Semitism? I seem to remember loads of you banging on about how Corbyn is evil because of anti-Semitism.

dontcallmeduck · 23/12/2019 22:07

I guess I just can’t understand tolerating it for so long. I know the OP has challenged it but if it continued I wouldn’t be carrying on for so long. Guess I should count myself lucky to have not had to be in that position.

The OP hit a nerve with me though with the small town, not successful comments.

Plumpuddin · 23/12/2019 22:17

Yanbu

I think besides the actual racist comments it sounds as if they are deliberately goading you. This is bullying and aggressive behaviour so yabu to avoid.

Your dh needs to decide what he wants to do but I suspect if you’re not around the comments would actually decrease. And the event would be less aggressive. Do you think this might happen?

I do feel sorry for your mil but maybe you could make more of an effort to have low key, unannounced or very short notice visits with her?

BertsFriend · 23/12/2019 22:22

I think their behaviour implies that they don't like you op. Nobody behaves like that to people they like, even unsuccessful and small minded people. If you remove yourself from his family they would be pleased.

AgeShallNotWitherHer · 27/12/2019 19:11

"I am against racism - aren't I wonderful?"
"I am against child cruelty and have stopped seeing my friends or anyone who isn't also against it" (AIBU?)
"I am against animal cruelty - and I make sure I don't associate with people who are not"
"And I care about the environment" . etc etc ("I am so woke!")
Wow - I'm a good person {smug}

That's the point- being against racism actually goes without saying)

OP has a family problem but by saying they are racists and she isn't we are all supposed to think she is wonderful.

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