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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable or is she? Torn here

132 replies

groundworkmakesthepoundwork · 22/12/2019 19:51

SIL has never approved of me BF beyond 1 year and badgered me immensely when DC was approaching 1.

DC is now over 2. Just before he turned two, I was warned that she never had liked me doing it but come 2 years, it would have to stop completely in her house at least.

So that was it, at age 2, no more BF in her house. Which is fine because DS only has it in the evening/morning and if he hurts himself.

Last week, I did feed him quite a bit in her house. He was quite upset, unusually. A few days later he came down with a bug which probably explains it. Nothing was said at the time.

I've just received a text saying that I really can't carry on feeding in her house and would I please just not? It's uncomfortable. And 'I did say this before'.

Am I unreasoned to have fed him in her house despite her saying no previously? Blush

Obviously she has no right to tell me to stop altogether but since it's her house, I should do what's comfortable for her, shouldn't I?

Her DP couldn't care less and thinks she's ridiculous.

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 22/12/2019 20:14

I'm not uncomfortable around babies being breastfed but I am when they are bigger.

Why?

My DS is 14 months and has a stomach bug. The only liquid he will take is breastmilk which has probably saved him a trip to hospital but god forbid someone be "uncomfortable" rather than just not gawp.

Leeds2 · 22/12/2019 20:18

I would stop going to her house. And tell her why. If you have to see her, have her come to you.
I would also make my New Year's resolution to be to find some new, non judgmental, friends.

bobstersmum · 22/12/2019 20:19

She's a knob!

mbosnz · 22/12/2019 20:20

I'm probably going to be flamed for this but I think it depends on how discrete you are when you do it. Let's face it a walking talking toddler is harder to be discrete with than a small baby.
I'm not uncomfortable around babies being breastfed but I am when they are bigger.

I'm not going to flame you, but I would urge you to recognise that this is your issue to acknowledge and deal with, and not another mother and their child.

I say this as a person who had to deal with this with a friend who was breastfeeding a four year old, which was outside of my comfort zone.
So What? Basically, not my circus, not my monkey.

73Sunglasslover · 22/12/2019 20:23

It's baffling that people get het up about this. Your child is not 30 FFS. If you're still feeding him them, then yeah, I think she can say 'not at mine' but at 2?! That said I think when she said not past 2 that was the time to say you won't be able to visit as you need to put your child's needs before her old-fashioned sensibilities (or maybe something slightly less in your face).

NotStayingIn · 22/12/2019 20:24

Make a New Years resolution to get out of your comfort zone and try and strike up some new friendships. It’s rather odd how this woman thinks she has a say over what you do. Don’t keep her as your only friend, she definitely a bit controlling. Sorry you are going through this, it’s hard to make new friends.

AlmostAlwyn · 22/12/2019 20:26

Of course you're not unreasonable! Would she rather he cried inconsolably because he's upset and can't understand why he can't have the one thing that makes him feel instantly better? Does she have kids of her own?

Are there any baby and toddler groups in your area? I haven't tried it personally, but what about Mush? It's like internet dating but for mums... Sounds like you need a few more like-minded people in your corner! Try joining the "breastfeeding older babies and beyond" group on Facebook as a start!

iamNOTmagic · 22/12/2019 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonnieSeptember · 22/12/2019 20:26

Forbid her from eating in your house Grin

Original poster
groundworkmakesthepoundwork · 22/12/2019 20:26

Are you supposed to be at hers for Christmas?

Boxing Day, all day. And Christmas too, but she lives with my MIL and I'll only see her in the late morning before she heads off to her DP's with her kids

My own family are up North and I've no car until the New Year so can't visit them instead. Plus poor MIL would be alone for Christmas

OP posts:
Original poster
groundworkmakesthepoundwork · 22/12/2019 20:29

Well, seeing as the WHO recommends bf for AT LEAST 2 years, she's officially in the wrong. Not opinion, fact.

I've said this to her before and she says NO, it's UP TO 2 YEARS and beyond.

Meaning up to 2 is okay but after that is unnecessary, in her eyes.

The reality is breast milk and feeding is beneficial for longer than 2 years but I think WHO haven't worded it brilliantly because people see 'up to 2' and then summarise that anything after that is unnecessary

OP posts:
whonoes · 22/12/2019 20:29

It makes me feel uncomfortable but that’s my issue and I would never dare dictate to anyone what they should do with their own body. It’s absolutely none of her business. Message her “it’s none of your business how I feed my child. We won’t visit again”

PegasusReturns · 22/12/2019 20:29

Do you like her otherwise?

Is she generally kind and supportive?

If yes I’d view this as a quirk she has and accomodate it. If you don’t like her and she’s not nice then concentrate on making new friends

UndertheCedartree · 22/12/2019 20:30

I BF my 2 until they were 4. BFing was their biggest comfort and like yours if they were hurt or unwell that was what they needed. If your MIL has an issue with your child being comforted when they need it which could come up and any time then you will have to stop going there. Your MIL is being utterly ridiculous and selfish.

UndertheCedartree · 22/12/2019 20:31

Sorry SIL.

LockThatFridge · 22/12/2019 20:31

Well done on breastfeeding for so long OP. She is being vvvv unreasonable. I would also refuse to go to her house and I would tell her why. A true friend and the sort of person you should want to be friends with wouldn’t behave like this. It is hard making friends but with a toddler you can go to playgroups. Have you tried the Mush app?

Stompythedinosaur · 22/12/2019 20:35

She is being beyond rude! I'd have to ask her why she thinks she should have a say in either your body autonomy or your parenting choices.

There are ways to meet new friends. I found it helpful to try quite few playgroups until I found some people I clicked with. Don't stay dependant on a woman who wants to treat you like this.

Isbutteracarb · 22/12/2019 20:35

She is not your friend, and that's fucking unbelievable. You need to stand up for yourself, breastfeeding is hard enough without dealing with stuff like this.

A thought - has she had issues with BF herself? My DSis had problems with it and ended up having to switch to formula, which she was traumatised about and she did feel upset when I had DS and exclusively breastfed him as I think it triggered some painful memories for her. But she didn't behave like a total twat like your SIL...

KellyHall · 22/12/2019 20:35

Stop seeing her. Use the time to find actual friends who accept you for who you are, regardless of the choices you make.

Look for:

  • toddler groups
  • leisure centres
  • children's centres
  • libraries
  • play parks
  • breastfeeding support groups

Talk to anyone and everyone you meet in any of the above places and you will make friends!

Raphael34 · 22/12/2019 20:37

She does have the right to not be made to feel uncomfortable in her own home, and breastfeeding makes her feel uncomfortable. Personally I would still find her extremely cheeky to say anything and would not be going to her house anymore

Khione · 22/12/2019 20:37

She lives with MIL??? So not her house then.

Not that that should make any difference, your body, your child, your choice.

Grumpelstilskin · 22/12/2019 20:38

It may be a tad unreasonable if you were to spurt her with a load of your breast milk, every time she has a strop about your BF. But given her crappy attitude, I'd not blame you... Grin

DirtyTicket · 22/12/2019 20:38

My MIL would not allow me to BF downstairs in her house at all. Despite having BF six kids of her own and her own daughters regularly breastfeeding their babies downstairs. I had to go upstairs and perch on the edge of a bed. My husband spoke to her but it made no difference. I put up with it with my first.

When I had my second baby, I had wised up. I simply didn't go to her house whilst I was BF. I didn't care if she didn't see the baby, it was her own fault. DH probably told her why.

Sorry, that was longer than I expected. What I'm trying to say OP, is don't visit. She's not a nice person.

fropper1 · 22/12/2019 20:39

Was just going to say similar to @KellyHall. Find real friends. I also recommend sure start children's centres

veewee · 22/12/2019 20:40

Well done on bf so long, you are amazing! I think your sil is being VU! I bf dd1 until she was 3yrs 6 months, & dd2 is currently feeding at 2yrs 6months 😊

We had issues with mil, who is completely agains bf at any age, so from the minute my babies were born, if they had to be fed while we were at hers, I had to sit outside in the car to do it (we now nc, for a million different reasons!)

It's your mils house though, not sils, tell her to wind her neck in & if she's that offended, she can go to a different room. You are doing amazingly, well done!

I have never seen a bf post on here where so many people are so supportive of bf, especially 'extended' bf!

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