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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should grandparents help more?

138 replies

Chippitychops · 21/12/2019 20:11

I see a lot of threads about grandparents refusing to help, not helping enough for their children’s liking or general moans along those lines. Often they are deemed to be being unreasonable, and the general consensus is they’re your kids and yours to look after, you shouldn’t expect help from grandparents, they’ve raised their own kids and shouldn’t have to look after yours now. I totally agree with this in principle. My partner and I have 1 child, we would have liked more but the crippling cost of childcare has stopped us at 1.
Is it fair to expect very limited or non existent help though? My parents bought a lovely 5 bed detached house in 1991 for £150000 which in today’s money equates to £319000, the same house today would cost north of £650000 to buy. My mum didn’t work until my siblings and I were at school and although they didn’t have pots of cash lying around we managed just fine financially.
My 3 bed terrace in a similar area cost £450000 4 years ago, my partner and I both have to work full time to afford the mortgage whilst paying crippling childcare costs. Now I’m not complaining, those things were our choice and the reason we are sticking with 1 child is because we simply can’t afford another.
If we had grandparents on hand to help a couple of days a week then it would be a different story. So should grandparents who are physically able, retired, lots of free time, living in close proximity be expected to help considering the bigger financial struggle that lots of families are facing today?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 21/12/2019 20:13

No, they absolutely shouldn't be expected to help. It's lovely if they do, but they aren't obligated.

MaidenMotherCrone · 21/12/2019 20:16

No!

Your parents do not owe you a thing.

You choose to live where you live and to have children. Your finances are nothing to do with your parents and I'm sure when the time comes you'll benefit by the value of their house passing to you and your siblings.

Tangerinesandlemons · 21/12/2019 20:16

Please remember that grandparents may appear to be 'physically able' but unfortunately, older human beings are not designed to have the same fitness, strength or stamina of younger people. Many would struggle to cope with energetic young children.

YahooGmail · 21/12/2019 20:16

We have both sets of grandparents living a 15 minute drive away. Both are retired and all great with kids. Mine raised 4 kids and so did DHs (one sahm, one working mum). I feel like they've done their time and now that they're retired they should be able to relax and enjoy it. We live in an apartment (can't afford a house yet), and pay full time childcare. They do babysit the odd time at night but that's it really, and we don't really expect more. They're also on hand for emergencies like if kids are sick and can't go to nursery

SecretMillionaire · 21/12/2019 20:17

YABU grandparents shouldn’t be expected to help. If it is offered then that’s all well and good but not expected.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 21/12/2019 20:21

My parents both mid 60s dont mind babysitting for ds 5 every so often but it would be too much to do childcare.They value their freedom and quiet house.A 5 yr old for a couple.of days a week for example would tip them over the edge Grin

Parttimers · 21/12/2019 20:22

My mum helps sometimes but only when absolutely necessary. I really appreciate it when she does. Although I never had to pay full time childcare as I stayed home out of choice. Now I only pay for Afterschool service

I have plenty of friends whose parents help out.
One of my friends (a teacher) has a lovely set up between her, dh and the two gm’s. Her dh works shifts, 4days on and 4 days off. So they only need childcare for a max of 1 or 2 days per week (depending on the week) so each gm takes the dc 1 day a week every 2 Nd week or something like that. They have no childcare bill. They Never have.

eeyore228 · 21/12/2019 20:23

I don’t agree that grandparents should have to help out. It’s nice but they aren’t responsible for being anyone’s childcare. Just a personal opinion. It’s amazing that many do but those who don’t shouldn’t be made to feel bad.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 21/12/2019 20:25

I think they should. I agree to an extent that it shouldn’t be expected or an obligation etc but no man is an island and in families (or working class families anyway, where the people didn’t routinely have nainnies) families have always helped. Most families I know helped. My grandparents helped and my parents help. I hope one day I will help my children. It’s just what families do if living close by in my experience and I think it’s right.

churchandstate · 21/12/2019 20:25

No.

Africa2go · 21/12/2019 20:25

No.

Childcare is your responsibility.

Its oversimplifying it to say they have it easier because houses were cheaper.

sunshineandshowers21 · 21/12/2019 20:27

no one should be expected to help anyone. my mum and dad have always helped me with my kids. eg, my mum had my eldest when me and my boyfriend were at college, have the kids after school if we’re working, have them every saturday to sleepover. i know how lucky i am and i am so grateful that they help as much as they do, but i would never expect it. my mum and dad are at an age where most of their friends have kids the same age or just a bit older than their grandchildren so maybe that makes a difference though.

WingingItSince1973 · 21/12/2019 20:27

Hello I'm nearly 47 years old and grandmother to DGS age 4. My daughter being young spent the first year of his life with us so we have a strong bond. Hes now started reception and I still collect him everyday as I did when he was in nursery as my daughter has a fulltime job with fantastic prospects. GS can only do half days at school because of attachment disorder (too big a story) so for the meantime I pick him up 130 every day. I also home school my 13 dd and I have fibro and parathyroid disease (diagnosed the last 3 years) so I'm slightly more at a disadvantage than my friends my age. DG is here for a sleep over tonight and does so about twice a month. Now as much as I love him and will do anything for him and my daughter I have made a rod for my own back. When hes poorly he comes to me so she doesnt have to take time from work and I dont have the freedom now to take myself and my dd off on day long adventures because of the school pick up. But love seems to triumph my decisions and though some have called me stupid for doing as much as I do and I am generally shattered my GS is much a part of my family as my other 3 DD. I'm looking forward to a week off though ha ha. Xx

PortiaCastis · 21/12/2019 20:28

No as they're not a childcare service and will probably be really tired out after a day looking after a small child.

WingingItSince1973 · 21/12/2019 20:30

Sorry that sounded like I was rubbing it in. I dont think they should be expected to help. My parents and inlaws never did but they would if we asked them too. Inlaws are very much enjoying their retirement and good for them. They bought up 5 kids on a shoestring and I dont begrudge their free time at all xx

cadburyegg · 21/12/2019 20:31

Depends on the family. I was raised to believe that families help each other so i have and will always help my parents. My mum helps me with childcare and I help her with anything my parents need and will continue to do so as they get older. Some families don’t have that relationship.

BritInUS1 · 21/12/2019 20:32

I think if they offer that's great but should not be expected

Original poster
Chippitychops · 21/12/2019 20:33

maidenmothercrone Completely agree, it was our choice as stated in my OP.

I have friends whose parents take on childcare multiple times a week and whilst that’s amazing and generous, I do think it’s a bit much to ask of people in their 60’s.

Can’t help but feel a bit jealous of friends starting to have their second and third babies knowing there’s no chance for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chippitychops · 21/12/2019 20:35

wingingit You’re not rubbing it in at all, I think it’s amazing that you do so much.

OP posts:
Africa2go · 21/12/2019 20:35

I dont think its necessarily about the relationship. Most of my friends and Hs friends moved away for university, then moved to wherever the jobs were. Grandparents couldnt physically help even if they wanted to.

gobbynorthernbird · 21/12/2019 20:37

There's a massive difference between helping and what some people expect, which is full-time childcare/almost coparenting.

Africa2go · 21/12/2019 20:38

OP could you consider another after you child goes to school? You may have 1 x nursery, plus 1 x after school, but you could maybe stretch to that if you cut back elsewhere? Might mean a bigger age gap than you'd want, but you might be able to have a 2nd child?

Original poster
Chippitychops · 21/12/2019 20:46

africa yes he’s starting school in September I just don’t see how we could commit to paying £1300 a month childcare for a further 3+ years, it has crippled us and we’d already cut back on whatever we could. Like I said I’m just feeling a bit jealous and having a Saturday evening pity party for myself.

OP posts:
EmiliaAirheart · 21/12/2019 20:46

They shouldn’t be expected to help. Entirely their choice and depends on their resources, health and other commitments etc.

The corollary is, adult children have no obligation to help their parents either. It’s their choice and spends on their resources, health and other commitments (which, given the need to work and look after young children, may be substantial).

OddBoots · 21/12/2019 21:08

I am guessing you have actually asked your parents (and if they are still around your DP's parents) for help?