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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should grandparents help more?

138 replies

Chippitychops · 21/12/2019 20:11

I see a lot of threads about grandparents refusing to help, not helping enough for their children’s liking or general moans along those lines. Often they are deemed to be being unreasonable, and the general consensus is they’re your kids and yours to look after, you shouldn’t expect help from grandparents, they’ve raised their own kids and shouldn’t have to look after yours now. I totally agree with this in principle. My partner and I have 1 child, we would have liked more but the crippling cost of childcare has stopped us at 1.
Is it fair to expect very limited or non existent help though? My parents bought a lovely 5 bed detached house in 1991 for £150000 which in today’s money equates to £319000, the same house today would cost north of £650000 to buy. My mum didn’t work until my siblings and I were at school and although they didn’t have pots of cash lying around we managed just fine financially.
My 3 bed terrace in a similar area cost £450000 4 years ago, my partner and I both have to work full time to afford the mortgage whilst paying crippling childcare costs. Now I’m not complaining, those things were our choice and the reason we are sticking with 1 child is because we simply can’t afford another.
If we had grandparents on hand to help a couple of days a week then it would be a different story. So should grandparents who are physically able, retired, lots of free time, living in close proximity be expected to help considering the bigger financial struggle that lots of families are facing today?

OP posts:

Supersimkin2 · 21/12/2019 22:20

It's not a legal requirement but on the other staying faithful in marriage isn't either.

It's unusual but ok if GP don't want to help. Leave them in no doubt that they have set a family agenda of I'm Alright Jack, which will still be in force when they are old and require help.

Nowadays they'll be old and dependent for a lot longer than their GC will.

Pinkblueberry · 21/12/2019 22:24

This comes up again and again - grandparents have done their parenting... your children, your responsibility. Why is that so difficult to get to grips with for some?? There are plenty of people who manage without that kind of help - it’s not a necessity.

heartsonacake · 21/12/2019 22:28

Is it fair to expect very limited or non existent help though?

Of course it is! You chose to have a kid and they’ve already done their childrearing. They shouldn’t be expected or obliged to do anything because a choice you made doesn’t go as swimmingly as you’d like.

Pinkblueberry · 21/12/2019 22:29

I don’t understand why grandparents who are fit and able wouldn’t want to be involved with their family.

Choosing to not provide free childcare isn’t being uninvolved - doing so is essentially taking on a job with no pay in retirement, and not exactly an easy breezy job at that which I’m sure any childminder or nanny could vouch for. Plenty of parents come on here to say that they struggle with various aspects of looking after their children - but older grandparents are expected to just get on with it and help out like it’s nothing...

Downton57 · 21/12/2019 22:33

I am in my late 50s, working part-time with grown up kids and two elderly, infirm parents. I'm permanently tired! Do you honestly think it would be selfish of me not to want to be a child-minder to prospective grandchildren? It's not a case of I'm Alright, Jack, but I've got a lot on my plate already and have already spent many years of my life bringing up small children. I'm sure many women my age feel the same and are being pressurised into taking on too much.

1Morewineplease · 21/12/2019 22:44

I really don’t know what the purchase price / current value price of your parents’ house/your house has to do with anything.
You and your partner are responsible for your child.
You should not expect any free childcare just because other folk have been offered free childcare from their parents.
Shocking expectation.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/12/2019 22:44

I agree they shouldn't be expected to help but its very nice when they do.

On the other hand I do see some people who I wonder if they are taking advantage of their parents eg their parents will never say no even when it's very inconvenient to them (for example I know grandparents who have cancelled their plans to help out, are asked to look after grandchildren on their birthdays, have ended up looking after 3 under 4 pretty much full time because the parents cant afford childcare etc.

I guess the issue is when you have siblings if you offer one day a week looking after the first grandchild then they have a couple more, then you have to do thr same for grandchildren from your other children, it can very quickly be a full time job.

One thing I dont like though is when you see parents in a real pickle eg they are ill and their partner works away, or they are going into hospital to have another baby etc and they really need some respite or childcare and the grandparents wont help even as a one off because of some petty reason like they are doing their supermarket shop that day or it's their bingo night, and they put that over watching their own child really suffer eg with mental health from never having a night off...and I think it's not about looking after grandkids it's about helping your own children when they really need it. So I think in these circumstances that yes they should help if they can

Original poster

Chippitychops · 21/12/2019 22:49

downton no of course it wouldn’t be selfish, that’s why I put in my OP only if they are physically able, are close by and have lots of free time.

heartsonacake fully aware of that, which is why I stated in my OP that the decisions I have made are my choice.

OP posts:

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 21/12/2019 22:51

Added to this, the expectation that whatever you do for one of your DC you should do for all or it is unfair. What if there see 7/8 DCC strung across 15 years? I have seen this exact scenario on here before.

StreetwiseHercules · 21/12/2019 23:03

“ @TW2013 so bringing you up wasn't enough?”

People don’t owe their parents for bringing them up. My children will owe me nothing for that. It’s not like they had any choice or agency in the decision to be born and raised.

Giraffey1 · 21/12/2019 23:08

No. And you seem very fixated on money.
I really don’t understand this expectation that grandparents should help. Why should they? Lovely if they do, of course, but that’s a great bonus and shouldn’t, in my view, be taken for granted.

Mary46 · 21/12/2019 23:19

Nice if its offered. We never had much help just had to keep going. It was hurtful seeing friends though having family to call on. I do realise retired people have a life too! Would help my sister if she stuck or babysit as we know who hard it is.

littlejalapeno · 21/12/2019 23:43

I get it OP. And it’s interesting that a lot of people are saying they don’t want to look after grand kids because the children are difficult. But when I read that I think “well you yourself come across quite difficult if that’s your attitude.” So surely the kids are just following your families traits and behaviour? Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and all that. Maybe if you’re brave enough to realise that you can break the cycle? I’m only half teasing here. Yes childcare is very demanding it’s just a fact. Yes our society is incredibly unfair to women and expects a lot of unpaid and unrecognised caring work. (A lot of you keep voting for that though) but, many hands make light work. And you can’t wring your hands and bemoan how awful the youth of today are while refusing to help raise your own grandchildren.

managedmis · 21/12/2019 23:44

1Morewineplease

The current price of childcare? She paid £1300 per month? It's not relative to the price of her house, compared to in her parents time?

managedmis · 21/12/2019 23:45

And it’s interesting that a lot of people are saying they don’t want to look after grand kids because the children are difficult.

See I've heard this before. Are kids more difficult, or grandparents less patient?

StinkyXmasCheese · 21/12/2019 23:46

What is the point in life without family?
Who else would you do anything for?

Jimdandy · 21/12/2019 23:47

Although I agree in theory that they shouldn’t have to help, I personally cannot imagine helping my children in anyway possible I can!

If I’m “allowed” I fully intent to have my grandchildren 1 day a week if I have any to help out.

littlejalapeno · 21/12/2019 23:58

@jimdandy

That’s how I want to be! I actually can’t wait to be a grandma. It’s all the fun parts but you get to be cheeky and break the rules a bit because you’re not the main source of discipline or stability. And then give them back again 😂 you sound ace!

Maryann1975 · 22/12/2019 00:05

My parents and in laws are too busy with our siblings kids so have no time / energy for ours (ours are quieter, slower and less busy!) Now that pisses me off. At least be consistent!!
This, completely. At least be fair to all your children. If you do childcare for one and not the other at least be prepared that Family relationships might be strained for a while. (I’m quite bitter about this, can you tell?). I know it’s not a right to have grandparents help, but if you do for one, surely you should be prepared to do it for both?

Sashkin · 22/12/2019 00:10

I think it's fine for grandparents to help out as much or as little as they want. But if you only see your grandchildren twice a year, you can't be surprised when you have no relationship with them.

DM travels up to see DS every week (she used to look after him one afternoon a week but now I'm working part time she usually comes up on one of my days off). She has a lovely close relationship with DS as a result, that survived a couple of years of us living overseas (Skype and several visits). DFIL has met DS maybe 10 times in total, despite living much closer to us than DM does, but seems surprised (and offended) that DS doesn't really know who he is.

BlueEyedFloozy · 22/12/2019 00:22

My Mum was in her 30's when I had my eldest - she works fulltime and has 3 kids at home too.

We are a really close family and she has a great relationship with the kids despite not providing us with free childcare because there aren't enough hours in the day for her to juggle her own stuff let alone dealing with mine!

The idea that it takes a village to raise a child doesn't fit with today's societal expectations - historically people retired earlier and/or one parent generally stayed at home so would have had more free time to take on responsibility of the Grandkids which isn't necessarily the case now.

pigsDOfly · 22/12/2019 00:35

Why on earth should it be an obligation for grandparents to look after any children their children decide to have?

If you can't afford to have children or don't have the time to bring them up yourself don't have them.

Surely before you had them you knew how much your house cost and how much childcare would cost?

tillytrotter1 · 22/12/2019 02:07

Having read in many cases how neurotically proscriptive some parents are regarding grandparents and child care, expecting them to be taught 'your ways', I'm hardly surprised that many don't/wont. We help out where we can, weeks in the Summer holidays, our children's attitude is 'it's up to you' generally.

Pixxie7 · 22/12/2019 02:49

You talk about financial costs today. Things have been the same for all generations you didn’t have to spend so much on your house. Children are the parents responsibility not the grandparents most are happy to help out in an emergency but remember in reality most have a relatively short length of time when they can do what they want, often having elderly parents to worry about as well.

Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas · 22/12/2019 05:11

No. Getting old is no picnic and however much money you might have, the knowledge that you don't have that long to enjoy it is sobering.

When I was a young parent life was hard and like you I felt we deserved more help and resented my parents for not supporting us more. Now I'm older I have a different perspective and I don't blame them at all for enjoying the retirement they worked hard for.

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