Should grandparents help more?

[Chippitychops]

I see a lot of threads about grandparents refusing to help, not helping enough for their children’s liking or general moans along those lines. Often they are deemed to be being unreasonable, and the general consensus is they’re your kids and yours to look after, you shouldn’t expect help from grandparents, they’ve raised their own kids and shouldn’t have to look after yours now. I totally agree with this in principle. My partner and I have 1 child, we would have liked more but the crippling cost of childcare has stopped us at 1.
Is it fair to expect very limited or non existent help though? My parents bought a lovely 5 bed detached house in 1991 for £150000 which in today’s money equates to £319000, the same house today would cost north of £650000 to buy. My mum didn’t work until my siblings and I were at school and although they didn’t have pots of cash lying around we managed just fine financially.
My 3 bed terrace in a similar area cost £450000 4 years ago, my partner and I both have to work full time to afford the mortgage whilst paying crippling childcare costs. Now I’m not complaining, those things were our choice and the reason we are sticking with 1 child is because we simply can’t afford another.
If we had grandparents on hand to help a couple of days a week then it would be a different story. So should grandparents who are physically able, retired, lots of free time, living in close proximity be expected to help considering the bigger financial struggle that lots of families are facing today?

Well, why did you buy a 3-bed terrace you can't afford when you only have 1 child?

My parents were still working when kids were small, so couldn't have helped. Many people who have grandchildren do so.

I don't ( yet) have grandchildren but have physical limitations that would make it very difficult to offer regular support.

There are so many reasons why it would be difficult for grandparents to help in this way.

Depends what kind of family and expectations you have. There’s the kind where you expect to help - you help your parents set up their new computer, you give your brother-in-law a lift home from hospital, you babysit your grandkids, you feed your sister’s cat while she’s on holiday. Or there’s the kind where you don’t.

The problems come when the help is a big thing - years of childcare or elderly care for example. And the other difficulty is when family members expect to receive help but not to give it.

When my grandchildren were small, I worked full time, so couldn’t do childcare. I did babysit in the evenings. When I worked part time, I picked them up from pre school and school, fed them and was with them until their parents were home.

We moved to a different area and it wasn’t practicable to offer childcare regularly, but would always be available in an emergency. Now I don’t work, but the grandchildren are old enough to be home alone for a while.

When mine were young, I did bits and pieces of work until they went to school, as well as having an elderly relative living with us for over a decade. I don’t expect to be cared for, although I hope that I’ll be kept an eye on. My children have had practical and financial support. I think I’ve done what I can do.

I think in functional families with good, loving relationships then it’s reasonable to expect help and support reciprocally.

So should grandparents who are physically able, retired, lots of free time, living in close proximity be expected to help

Of course not!

People have free will, you know.

Yabu. It’s how it is nowadays. Not the grandparents issue at all. My parents bought a very lovely, large house in a fantastic area when I was 4. My mum didn’t work and my dad was a teacher.

My husband earns at least 4x (equivalent) of what my dad did and we are in a 3 bed terrace ex council house in now such a nice area but luckily we have the option of me being a sahm.

While I would love a house like my parents had it’s just not possible on one wage nowadays and I don’t think the grandparents who have raised their kids should have to sacrifice their retirement to enable us to have the same lifestyle they did.

Slightly beside the point but my parents are both still working full time, at 72 and 79! at how many people seem to have both sets of grandparents kicking around enjoying a ‘golden retirement’ in their 60s.

I think in functional families with good, loving relationships then it’s reasonable to expect help and support reciprocally

This. I don't expect my parents to do a set day a week but I do expect help if I'm in hospital (frequent occurrence as I have an autoimmune disease), and similarly I help them out regularly.

My MIL in particular would be offended if we said she was too old to do childcare at 61, but she works FT and has made it clear when she retires she wants to go travelling. She and FIL babysit for us, and spend a lot of time with DS.

Agree with PP that ideally you're fair with all your DGC, but it could quickly become a full time job doing a day a week per DGC. DNephew is in nursery but my parents are on standby if he's ill, but refused to commit to a day a week.

What I am annoyed about is my parents happy using their own parents for free child care but then turn around and before even being asked (may I repeat that I never asked and never intended to ask) announced they were not going to be child care. Their attitude is what sucks.

I went on a pre-retirement course at work. Our trainer told us that in the year leading up to finishing work we wouldn't be the only people planning how our time would be filled in retirement. He advised getting in first and telling nearest and dearest as nicely as we could that we were planning to be busy. "I'm taking a gap year!" was his recommended approach.

I can see from this thread just how wise his advice was.

YABVU

Grandparents should build loving relationships with their grandchildren in whatever way works for the children and them. They are absolutely not your free childcare option nor obliged to give you their perceived wealth.
You sound resentful, OP.

What I am annoyed about is my parents happy using their own parents for free child care but then turn around and before even being asked (may I repeat that I never asked and never intended to ask) announced they were not going to be child care. Their attitude is what sucks.

Totally agree with this. Apply it to any other aspect of life and they’d be labelled royal CF’s. You don’t happily accept for yourself what you aren’t willing to give when it’s your turn.

It’s an ‘I’m alright Jack’ attitude which seems to be becoming much more common from the new generation of retiree’s. The ‘well yes I got lots of help...but you’re awful and selfish for expecting me to help’ attitude.

FWIW in the time it’s taken for wages to rise 12%- the cost of childcare has risen 700%!
So parents now need help more than ever.

If you’re a grandparent who got no help with your own kids- fair enough but If you had help and now don’t want to ‘be help’ then that’s a bit CF’ery to me!

I find this a tricky subject. My mum isn't retired yet, she condensed her hours and has my 2 dc's every Tuesday afternoon, which I massively appreciate. She will help when I ask.

My dh's parents moved here 4yrs ago so we could all be closer together. They are retired. But they seem to be very reluctant to help with childcare. The last 3wks have been really hard with both dc ill, I used up all my annual leave and had so much work to do before Christmas. I messaged almost every day asking for help with one or other dc and got various forms of no. When I'm being kind I think, well they're 60/70, they might be worried about looking after ill children. On the other hand, I had to send ds into nursery when I didn't think he should be there, and I had to work from home with sick Dd, and i worked until 10:30 every night to make up the time. The kids would have been happy to just lie on their sofa watching telly and eating biscuits.

Re the money, were financially screwed and struggling for the next year until free hours kick in. But if you want another dc, can you not just suck it up for 2yrs? It's roughly 1yr mat leave, then 2yrs paid childcare, then school. Just seems a shame. But then, we're in considerable debt! We are treading water, but come free hours in Sept we'll hit it on the head big style.

@Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas It's pretty rude tbh. At no point did we express any intention on asking my parents to be our childcare. But my mother would tell everyone that they didn't retire to become childcare when someone asked me if we had found childcare.

However this has resulted in them being unable to either help us out when much needed or being unavailable when we ask to visit them socially, rather than childcare.

Example: they agreed to look after our children for 1 week at their house last summer. They said it would be to give me and DH some time together. Unfortunately, despite this being planned for months, they then double booked themselves and said they could only do 3 days as they didn't want to let friends down. This has happened many times. Many times.

This isn't about me wanting to rely on them or expecting them to give up their retirement to be unpaid childcare. This is, for me, more about my parents being unwilling to help, letting me down and not making the time to spend time with their own grandchildren on family visits.

I can see that would be very frustrating, @Huntlybyelection. It isn’t on to let people down when they have made arrangements, particularly where your DC were involved.

They should help if they voted Tory (joking. Not joking)

In my case maybe its better she didnt help or we would get digs now how much was done for us. We always had pay out for wedding or babysitters for them. It was hard. I did resent it anyway some just arent the doting grannies! Odd bit of help nice or an emergency when you need it. Think some do abuse it though full time childcare by grandparents.

In your parents position I would be happy to help 2-3 days a week if I was able, to do it 5 days a week would be a bit much but a few days would be fine, health permitting. They would have a great bond with grandchildren and I think families should help and support each other where possible. We didnt have help from either set of parents, they were still working and didn't live locally , I was a sahm until dc started school. when they were small help towards childcare was very very limited , funding has improved dramatically in recent years, all working parents I knew relied heavily on GPs and nowadays in my office I think most still do.

'But If you had help and now don’t want to ‘be help’ then that’s a bit CF’ery to me!'
In what way is it cheeky? It's their retirement and if they don't feel up to child-minding, that's entirely their decision and not 'unfair' in the slightest. As for looking after sick children, viruses can have long-term consequences and complications, and it's a bit unreasonable to dump unwell children on elderly parents.

and it's a bit unreasonable to dump unwell children on elderly parents

There’s always an underlying assumption on MN that parents are elderly. Mine aren’t!

In an ideal world my family would all live together - it’s our master plan

In your parents position I would be happy to help 2-3 days a week

Hmmm, that’s a comment similar to the ‘well, I don’t drive, but if I did, I’d be happy to take Sue from accounts to work and home again every day even though it’s out of my way and she never offers petrol money because it’s really unfair to make her wait and the bus stop!’

Easy to say but you’re not actually in that position and there might be a million reasons why it wouldn’t actually work out to do this.

@JacquesHammer the parents were identified as being in their 60s/70s; certainly not past it, but flu type viruses/stomach bugs can have serious complications for the over 65s, and I stand by my comment. The parents were obviously very reluctant and it was unfair to keep pushing.

I think that parents should want to help their children, even if those children are adults with children of their own.

So if GP are fit and healthy and comfortable financially with few or no work commitments I think they should help out to some degree with GC.

I'm surprised so many on this thread think otherwise.

Agree they shouldn’t have to, but if they are able to then I’d like to think they would for their own children.
Unfortunately mine have never helped me even when struggling for childcare mid labour as a single mum with no support. However my niece and nephews are looked after constantly by them so these situations get to me.
Times have changed, retiring into bliss isn’t likely anymore, younger generations need older generations help more than ever, prices higher, childcare expensive and difficult to get, to say no and watch your children struggle imo is lowest of the low and I’d love that time with my grandchildren when the time comes.