Should grandparents help more?

[Chippitychops]

I see a lot of threads about grandparents refusing to help, not helping enough for their children’s liking or general moans along those lines. Often they are deemed to be being unreasonable, and the general consensus is they’re your kids and yours to look after, you shouldn’t expect help from grandparents, they’ve raised their own kids and shouldn’t have to look after yours now. I totally agree with this in principle. My partner and I have 1 child, we would have liked more but the crippling cost of childcare has stopped us at 1.
Is it fair to expect very limited or non existent help though? My parents bought a lovely 5 bed detached house in 1991 for £150000 which in today’s money equates to £319000, the same house today would cost north of £650000 to buy. My mum didn’t work until my siblings and I were at school and although they didn’t have pots of cash lying around we managed just fine financially.
My 3 bed terrace in a similar area cost £450000 4 years ago, my partner and I both have to work full time to afford the mortgage whilst paying crippling childcare costs. Now I’m not complaining, those things were our choice and the reason we are sticking with 1 child is because we simply can’t afford another.
If we had grandparents on hand to help a couple of days a week then it would be a different story. So should grandparents who are physically able, retired, lots of free time, living in close proximity be expected to help considering the bigger financial struggle that lots of families are facing today?

Snog what if they have other interests/hobbies ... should you set them aside to become a child minder ? . I am 60+ as are many of my friends, most us are still working, most of us have an elderly parent (or two) to care for, we often have other volunteering interests, ie; running the local Food Bank, volunteer driving, local politics etc etc ... should we just give those up to care for grandchildren? When I had my child I didn’t assume my parents would care for them, I made my own arrangements. I know many grandparents who feel put upon by adult children, but are too polite to say anything for fear of falling out or not being ‘allowed’ to see their grandchildren (unless they are willing to offer free childcare ).

No and I don't see why you feel your situation is any different to the other similar past posts that you refer to.

It's not all or nothing though is it?
It doesn't have to be 7am - 7pm Mon-Fri childcare to count as helping out with the GC.

My fit and healthy MIL spent a lot of time volunteering to help local young families with her church yet never helped out so much as one single evening with her one and only GC. I thought that was pretty crap and odd prioritisation. Clearly many would disagree and that's fine. I was disappointed by her choices. When MIL died several people at the funeral told my dc how much she meant to her GM and how her GM was always talking about her. Dd had to try to mask her total surprise and disbelief.

When my dad died he had spent a lot of time with dd as a young child and she was devastated and knew how very much he had loved her. They had a very joyful relationship.

I agree why would you watch your dc struggle if you could easily help them in some way whether that be financially or in practical ways.

I think your angst should be directed at those in power whose financial policies have made the cost of living, in particular housing, so expensive.
If you have over extended yourself with the mortgage to the point that you cannot consider having another child, perhaps you need to rethink where your priorities lie and get to a point where you can own the decisions you have made. A cheaper house in a different area? Perhaps the schools aren’t as good but if another child is what you want then it might be a reasonable compromise. Alternatively, you could stay where you are and focus on giving your existing child the best opportunities you can. Re-framing the narrative around your choices might make you a lot happier in the long run. I get that it’s harder now for our generation but being bitter about it is only going to make it worse.

MN is a peculiar place where children get to 18 and that’s it for the parental duties!

Very odd!

I've looked after all my kids without gp's help and i'm not planning on doing it for my gc. Here and there - yes - but nothing regular.

You have to just keep going its hard I agree. My mam was never hands on with help. Would help my own daughter as we know how hard it is. Full time probably not. Its nice help where you can.

I don't expect regular childcare from grandparents. I'd be disappointed if they weren't involved and wanting to spend time with my DC and doing some babysitting.

I cared for my late parent for their last few years and my surviving parent is happy to babysit and be involved.

My PILs don't make so much effort, but are ready with advice

I'm lucky enough to be a SAHM only because my parents helped us or substantially with a house deposit. And I prefer that to weekly childcare!

As a family, we all help each other out.

Ecoectimg help, week and week out? Absolutely not.

People who expect childcare donr include their parents in the decision to have kids or how many to have, yet expect their parents lives to change even though the decision to have kids isnr something they agreed to.

My mum had my dd. But when u had my si years later she was older and couldnt. I had my second knowing that. I was grateful she helped out. I disnt expect it or judge her for not doing it for ds.

My dbro had kids 5 years after that. Mum was older, frailer and he was really pushed off she xoulsnt provide regular care when he and his wife decided to have 3 kids in 3 years. But then he is a bit of a dick.

I agree there's a big difference between helping with some evenings, weekends, holidays and helping on a regular commitment basis to allow the parents to work.

I definitely plan on helping out whenever I can but would resent my kids if they expected a weekly commitment that meant I couldn't travel as I intend to (ie. go for weeks, maybe even a few months).

I think family should help each other out where they can, because life is hard, but you shouldn't make significant life choices based that support eg relying in grandparents to look after the children or ongoing financial support.

In the OPs case, I sympathise with the childcare. It must be frustrating knowing that your parents have the means to make your life more comfortable, but won't. In saying that, it's a huge commitment to look after grandchildren to facilitate the parents working.

Could you ask them to help out during school holidays for example?

Especially 2 days a week, it's really a part time job
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