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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should grandparents help more?

138 replies

Chippitychops · 21/12/2019 20:11

I see a lot of threads about grandparents refusing to help, not helping enough for their children’s liking or general moans along those lines. Often they are deemed to be being unreasonable, and the general consensus is they’re your kids and yours to look after, you shouldn’t expect help from grandparents, they’ve raised their own kids and shouldn’t have to look after yours now. I totally agree with this in principle. My partner and I have 1 child, we would have liked more but the crippling cost of childcare has stopped us at 1.
Is it fair to expect very limited or non existent help though? My parents bought a lovely 5 bed detached house in 1991 for £150000 which in today’s money equates to £319000, the same house today would cost north of £650000 to buy. My mum didn’t work until my siblings and I were at school and although they didn’t have pots of cash lying around we managed just fine financially.
My 3 bed terrace in a similar area cost £450000 4 years ago, my partner and I both have to work full time to afford the mortgage whilst paying crippling childcare costs. Now I’m not complaining, those things were our choice and the reason we are sticking with 1 child is because we simply can’t afford another.
If we had grandparents on hand to help a couple of days a week then it would be a different story. So should grandparents who are physically able, retired, lots of free time, living in close proximity be expected to help considering the bigger financial struggle that lots of families are facing today?

OP posts:
CadburyFestiveFriends · 21/12/2019 21:12

This is such a hotly debated topic and very interesting because of the huge socioeconomic shift in the last 50 years.

It used to be normal to have a SAHM and lots of family support. Families were much tighter units and child/elderly care was very rarely paid for.

Suddenly the world globalised, horizons broadened, many of the the new ‘grandparent’ generation made good money in the housing boom and ‘golden retirement’ became a ‘thing’. Our ‘young family’ generation faces soaring living/childcare expenses and an inflated housing market and drives a quiet resentment towards grandparents who won’t/don’t help out.

It all became a bit more selfish which is fine. Contraception has taken huge leaps forward so it can be argued that children are now more of a choice than they were then.

Its fine for grandparents not to help out if they would rather live their best lives elsewhere. However, it’s also fine for adult children not to care for them once they’re past their ‘golden retirement’ and in need of elderly care. By this point their children will have made it through the ‘young family’ stage and be off enjoying themselves - as they are entitled to do. Family care is a two way street 👍🏻

Gillian1980 · 21/12/2019 21:18

Expected? No, I don’t think it should be expected.

Any help offered should be appreciated but I don’t think it’s fair to ask too much or put any pressure on.

Hepsibar · 21/12/2019 21:23

Everyone's experiences are different. My best friend's parents used to pick up her children from primary school and give them tea in their own home. My parents would give my children tea once a week after school and have tea in their home and also cook lunch for us all on Saturday and Sunday and also help on occasions on the odd occasions of long sickness - chicken pox for example. Other friends had parents who picked up children and had them every other weekend to give the parents a break! Another friend does not have parents who are able to help.

ChristmassySpice · 21/12/2019 21:25

Nope. I expect nothing of my parents unless I am very ill. I chose to have my child. It's not for them to do. They already did the parenting stuff.
This smacks of the whole Boomer versus Millenials stuff.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/12/2019 21:27

No, I think they should be free to live their life as they see fit after their own children have left home. They shouldn’t be seen as a cashpoint or babysitter.

We all choose to have children and with them come responsibility that belongs to the parents only.

Downton57 · 21/12/2019 21:36

I don't really get the attitude that if the grandparents don't help with childcare then you'd refuse to help them out when they get old\infirm.You were their babies. They raised you.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2019 21:42

No they shouldn't be expected to help, especially not regularly.

I intend to help my kids as much as possible if they have kids of their own, but I do not want to commit to certain days and certain times.

Most people spend their whole lives up to retirement, committing to times and days with work etc.

I'm looking forward to having a break from that.

StinkyXmasCheese · 21/12/2019 21:44

I don't ask my parents for help, I do ask for in laws a lot. I trust them more.
I am extremely grateful for their help.
I will do whatever I can for my grandchildren when I get to that age, it is my job as parent to help my child and I will do that no matter what.

Moondust001 · 21/12/2019 21:46

Its fine for grandparents not to help out if they would rather live their best lives elsewhere. However, it’s also fine for adult children not to care for them once they’re past their ‘golden retirement’ and in need of elderly care. By this point their children will have made it through the ‘young family’ stage and be off enjoying themselves - as they are entitled to do. Family care is a two way street

Don't you mean a three way or four way street? You get to struggle to bring up your own children, then you get to struggle to bring up the grandchildren, and if you are unlucky you might survive to struggle to bring up the great grandchildren, all on the premise that one or two of them might one day help you out when you are totally worn out raising successive generations.

This is actually a good argument to not bother having children!

As for the OP, for someone who isn't complaining they sure have a lot of complaints.

MissChananderlerbong · 21/12/2019 21:51

YANBU. I wish both sets would help more. My side, a useless father and nasty alcoholic mother, his side they care more about the parish council and travel than they do to see their grandkids.
I'm very jealous of my friends who have very involved grandparents. Some of my friends have help week in week out, theyve moved to be closer to them or they get the opportunity to go away and have a break without the kids.
I feel our relationship struggled with our terrible all 4 grandparents are.

CadburyFestiveFriends · 21/12/2019 21:55

Don't you mean a three way or four way street? You get to struggle to bring up your own children, then you get to struggle to bring up the grandchildren, and if you are unlucky you might survive to struggle to bring up the great grandchildren, all on the premise that one or two of them might one day help you out when you are totally worn out raising successive generations.

Yes- providing 1 day a week childcare is of course ‘struggling to raise them single handedly’ 😂 Jeez

littlejalapeno · 21/12/2019 21:55

I don’t understand why grandparents who are fit and able wouldn’t want to be involved with their family. But I’m also concerned about women of a certain age running themselves ragged being carers to their children and their parents. You have to play the hand you’re dealt. Really what we need is affordable childcare and flexible working, takes the pressure off everyone and benefits the children no end. And to be kind to each other as much as possible. (A very Unmumsnet idea I know!)

Downton57 · 21/12/2019 21:58

But they've brought up their own children. If it's about obligation, and I don't actually believe it is, they've already done their bit.

pallisers · 21/12/2019 22:03

I would not want to provide regular childcare of a baby or toddler. Maybe I'll feel differently when grandchildren arrive but tbh I doubt it. I'll be happy to help, to babysit, to give money if I have it but I found the early childhood years grinding and I simply can't imagine being able to do that again 5-10 years from now. I'm in my 50s.

We paid for any childcare we had - both of us worked. The year 3 of them were in nursery one entire salary plus a bit of the other went on childcare. It was hard but it got better. My parents and in laws were fab for babysitting, helping out etc. But not regular childcare. And I still managed to mind my parents when they were older and will do the same as far as possible for MIL too because I don't see family relationships as transactional.

Downton57 · 21/12/2019 22:03

@CadburyFestiveFriends It's often not just a day though is it? Many, many women in their 60s are also caring for infirm elderly parents. They hoped to have a relaxing retirement and are trapped in full-time care work. Lots of my friends and colleagues are in this situation.

TW2013 · 21/12/2019 22:04

They shouldn't be obliged to look after your dc, but at the same time they shouldn't hint at wanting more grandchildren or expecting care themselves when older.

BelfastNonBlonde · 21/12/2019 22:05

They’ve had their children and done their time. Why should grandparents be expected to raise more kids?!

If they want to and offer, fantastic! But no, I would NEVER expect them to.

managedmis · 21/12/2019 22:07

I totally feel your pain op, I really do.

I now live abroad but often feel jealous of other people who have multiple sets of grandparents on standby to do pick up, take to activities and really want to babysit etc.

I went to Mcdonalds the other night with the kids, a grandad was there with his grandson, he was taking him out for supper before taking him to his karate lesson. We have NONE of that at all.

Downton57 · 21/12/2019 22:09

@TW2013 so bringing you up wasn't enough? They have to do double time before you'd consider helping them out in their old age?

LonginesPrime · 21/12/2019 22:10

YANBU to envy people who do have help from grandparents.

But, as I think you realise, YABU to expect yours to help. If they do, that's great, but it's their choice.

damekindness · 21/12/2019 22:14

Not all grandparents are enjoying early retirement, some of us are working in full tim ever more demanding careers with ever decreasing stamina.

80sMum · 21/12/2019 22:14

Remember, we grandparents have already spent 20+ years making sacrifices and bringing up our own children. As all parents know, being a parent can be exhausting at times. Believe me, it's far more exhausting looking after babies and small children when you're in your 60s and are already worn out from bringing up your own!

user1493413286 · 21/12/2019 22:14

It’s interesting how many people say they shouldn’t be expected to help and I get that in principle but I also think that one of the problems with our society and the reason why parents struggle so much is lack of support. I believe that it “takes a village” to raise a child and I don’t think we were made to go this individually with no support and part of this has transferred to helping with childcare so parents can work. We have supportive parents but neither can help with childcare due to where they live and I do think our lives and my children’s lives would benefit if they were closer and could help

EvilPea · 21/12/2019 22:18

Be interesting to see how our kids manage. We will be working due to the pensions / rent time bomb still.

My parents and in laws are too busy with our siblings kids so have no time / energy for ours (ours are quieter, slower and less busy!) Now that pisses me off. At least be consistent!!

Bitofnamechanging · 21/12/2019 22:19

My mum had lots and lots of help from her parents. She's had my eldest once for a few hours while I attended a wedding and he's nearly three. It doesn't seem fair she had support when she did her child rearing and now it's my turn it's a case of "you chose to have children." So did she