To think adult gift giving is a waste of time

[longestlurkerever]

Things I have seen denounced as crap (or at least very risky) gifts on Mumsnet this year:

Books
Bath stuff
Clothes
Jewellery
Homeware
Perfume
Ornamental things
Vouchers
Homeware
Experiences
Charity Gifts
Candles
Slippers/dressing gowns etc
Plants
Foodstuffs
Alcohol

I mean wtf is a good gift? And then you run the gauntlet of "not having put enough thought in" and being judged as uncaring for not being able to adequately express your love or friendship through the medium of commerce. Why do we put ourselves through it? Can we just have a collective pact not to bother?

80smum me and my husband buy our gifts from each other ourselves. It sounds daft I know but we both tend to pick up items secondhand or at events we go to. My husband bought his gifts (model making kits) from a model show a couple of weeks ago, I am going to a toy fair tomorrow and hopefully will pick something up for myself. Sometimes we may wrap them up - I like the surprise of seeing what my husband has chosen for himself and he likes to see what I have chosen. We are both interested in each others interests but as we frequently get our gifts from fairs etc we can't always say "I am interested in getting models XY and Z" - you have to get them then and there. It's not that crazy to wrap up your own gifts. It can be a little bit of fun guessing what the other has chosen.

longest why is it a faff to give a book list. Authors name, book title. Easy. Unless it's an obscure out of print book then easiest gift to get. Also why can't you say you are thinking of getting some new sporting equipment (you don't have to specify sports bra) so gift vouchers for Decathlon would be much appreciated.
Just tell people what you would like!!

It's not a faff to create the list. I M more thinking the faff for my family coordinating who is getting what, unless it is an Amazon list which is then also suggesting where they shop. I could also ask for vouchers for decathlon or wherever. In fact I have suggested present ideas already. I just can't really see the bigger picture point of it all. It's either not a surprise so no aha element, or it's difficult and risky for the gift giver. I do get that opening the perfect gift is nice, that just seems harder and harder to do. I agree with a pp that Netflix and spotify etc have cut off a fruitful gift vein!

I don't think we are quite going to agree on this issue longest. I hope you do get some gifts you enjoy. Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas to you too. I agree, it obviously means something to some people so i shall just have to get on with it. Am off to help the DC to choose something for dh and mil.

Can I ask the people who love present buying and receiving....do you work full time? Buying a load of people the perfect present, all at once, on top of a full time job, normal housework AND Christmas prep/hosting just feels like the last stRaw in terms of adding to my stress levels. I sometimes wonder if I was part time and had more more time to wander round the shops if I would feel differently about it.

It just feels like “oh.....another thing to put on my to do list.” Takes away all the joy out of it.

Birthdays can be different as they’re spread through the year and you’re only buying for one person at a time.

And actually, it just makes me feel so.....inadequate. When I CAN’T find the perfect gift. It makes me feel like a failure. So that’s not a nice feeling. I can understand why a lot of people would rather just not bother with the whole rigmarole.

I don’t work full time now CurlyhairedAssassin but I enjoyed present buying just as much when I did.
Having said that I rarely venture into shops, and definitely no wandering around looking for things. I research what I want to buy online, then either order online or research which shop I need to go into to pick it up.
The only shops I browse in are the small local ones.

Curlyhaired I currently don't work (as in paid employment). The last couple of weeks though I have had very little 'free time' (due to various reasons). However I don't spend hours and hours trying to get the 'perfect' gift. I just ask family members what they would like this year. Most can be bought from normal high st shops found in most shopping centres. I don't spend hours doing 'prep' (whatever that is - I assume you mean a food shop) and I don't host other than my family so it's no biggie. However that's me and my life. Obviously yours is different. If the joy has come out of something then you are right to not do it or cut down. If that's the presents then fine. Personally I like the present part of Christmas way more than the food or drink or parties or dressing up or having a fancy made up dinner table. None of that interests me.
OK I think I had a point to this post but I have forgotten what is is. Anyway hope you have a good Christmas.

Thanks, @bookmum08, always good to hear someone else’s point of view on these things to understand how different we all are. Best things about Christmas Day for me (and DH and the teenage DSs) is the lovely food and being together as a family with no other pressures, playing games etc, watching films together . We enjoy the traditions but don’t do dressing up and we don’t get “the party season”. For us the presents are a very minor part at the start of the day. Admittedly the kids were much more into presents when they were younger and believing in Father Christmas.

Have a lovely Christmas and enjoy your presents!

I have no idea why adults exchange gifts. I don’t buy any adults gifts, unless a family member actively needs something. I gave my mum a phone last week, didn’t wait for Christmas Day. That’s all I’m buying for adults. I’ve bought my kids some stuff but only stuff they actually want and need. They aren’t little.

My PILs have their heads screwed on. They are coming here for Christmas Day to see us because they want to spend time with us. They are not buying us anything and we aren’t buying them anything. They give the kids money. Everyone is happy and there is no waste and gathering of unnecessary possessions.

I do!!the amount of money you spend on tat for other people and the amount they spend on rubbish for you, you could get yourself and your family something you actually need/want and then some!

I just buy for family and a few close friends. I know what they all like and I really dont care if the people on mumsnet don't approve of what I buy as a gift, they aren't the ones to receive it.

For those who don’t do adult presents does that extend to your own D.C. not giving you presents?

Yes, it does difficultcustomer! I insist that they don't get me anything. I simply don't want anything and I don't want them to have the stress of wondering what to get for me and trying to get the perfect gift. I don't need anything.
I don't buy my adult DCs anything either, but I do always give them a monetary gift for Christmas and birthdays.

why is everyone so miserable?

whole bunch of scrooges come out this time of year and I wonder what hurt you so bad it killed any senses of joy, whimsy and giving.

Meh, I’ve got plenty of joy, and like as much whimsy as the next person. I will be wearing my Christmas cracker hat, reading out the jokes and enjoying charades like most families the length and breadth of Britain. I have this evening chased the Scout Santa sleigh down the road to put a few quid in the charity box (and waved to Santa with a big grin on my face). I have given money in the to colleagues in the local Santa dash and will drop something in the food bank collection tomorrow. I have direct debits to various charities so hardly think I can be described as Scrooge.

Scrooge, remember, did not want to give any charity to the people who had very little. On this thread, we’re talking about not seeing the need to give more (pointless) stuff to the people who already have plenty.

If there were no presents for adults, I would be deprived of a great deal of pleasure. I like to give thoughtful gifts to friends that don't really cost a lot. I have no close family but my dogs and cats are very generous to me at Christmas and birthdays; there are also presents for them stashed away.

It wasn't traditional among the working class to buy gifts that wasn't food/drink or practical and even that was only between parents and children.

Round spherical objects.

My father remembered getting and giving presents on Hogmanay in the 1920s (Christmas wasn't celebrated in Scotland until comparatively recently) and I have a collection of Burns' poetry given by my great-grandmother to my great-grandfather in the late 19th century - not exactly food, drink or practical. They were most definitely working class - he was a coach painter, and their children were a clerk, a navvy, a millhand and a dressmaker. We often still got a small present on Hogmanay even with Christmas.

Perhaps we should all do what the royals do just buy token gifts.

It depends on the person you are buying for. My sisters are all busy mums, short on time and not exactly wealthy although none are starving. We seldom see each other and present buying is a pleasure. We obviously know each other well and can judge accurately what will be well received.

None of them has ever been so rude or so ungrateful to whine about receiving a gift that has been chosen with love and care.

I don’t buy for other adults generally but as a family this is how we show love. I had an ex who judged every present by the label and what it cost. He took all the joy out of Xmas.

Exactly op. I just want to get my house finished and I'm buying stuff for my husband so that he has something to open. My 20 year old student daughter gets money every single month to pay for rent etc and our 14 year old has said she doesn't really need anything but like DH wants things to open. It's all quite bonkers really. I stopped other adults buying me gifts last year. We just get the kids and students gifts now. My DHs family are not good gift buyers and it was all just getting passed on to the charity shop.

If I were king of the world, I would make it a rule that all adult presents should be book tokens.
There are books to suit every possible taste and interest, and anyone who doesn't want one can give theirs to me!
I have been angling for book tokens as a gift for years. Hasn't happened yet.
Just perfume, chocolate, and fucking baths sets

So depressing to be called miserable for just not getting any particular joy from buying stuff. I'm not mean. I happily pick up the tab on a night out more than is strictly my turn, I enjoy carols and crafting and decorating trees etc. I just don't happen to like buying things very much, whether for myself or others. But because society has decided this is how we show love and friendship at Christmas you get judged as Scrooge if you suggest maybe it's not the best way. Anyway, gave dsis her tickets and she's pleased, phew.

I just make up a list of books I want and give it to family members. Saves them spending a fortune on clothes I'll never wear or stuff I've no storage space for.

I was out with a couple of friends last night and we exchanged presents and most of them have now been rewrapped to be passed on to neighbours etc. It does all seem a bit pointless and wasteful.