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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think adult gift giving is a waste of time

134 replies

longestlurkerever · 20/12/2019 19:53

Things I have seen denounced as crap (or at least very risky) gifts on Mumsnet this year:

Books
Bath stuff
Clothes
Jewellery
Homeware
Perfume
Ornamental things
Vouchers
Homeware
Experiences
Charity Gifts
Candles
Slippers/dressing gowns etc
Plants
Foodstuffs
Alcohol

I mean wtf is a good gift? And then you run the gauntlet of "not having put enough thought in" and being judged as uncaring for not being able to adequately express your love or friendship through the medium of commerce. Why do we put ourselves through it? Can we just have a collective pact not to bother?

OP posts:
Murraygoldberg · 20/12/2019 20:54

I was thinking this year why I am buying for friend's children and them mine, we should be buying for each other, the kids get plenty, I didn't not voice this, but still think it!

Betterversionofme · 20/12/2019 21:02

One upon a time, when I had little children, I hoped one of our visitors would stop my child from banging on the bathroom/loo door when I am there. As a Christmas present to me. Nope. Never happened. Instead I got scarves I didn't wear, candles (kids in the house), books (again, kids in the house, longest stuff I could read were posters in GP about how to recognize meningitis).

EmmiJay · 20/12/2019 21:03

I only buy adult bits for my sisters and mum, stepdad and dad. Sisters are easy because they're "trendy" so anything from nice shoes, bags etc., they aren't fussed about. Mum is another easy one as she makes a list for us🤣 Stepdad is so easy going and appreciates anything..same goes for dad. Its all so...easy. Then the parents just give us money/cheques as we don't ask for anything.

Elbeagle · 20/12/2019 21:04

Betterversionofme I have three DC... 6, 4 and 11 months. I light candles every evening when they’re in bed. I read books every evening when they’re in bed. Having children doesn’t mean you can’t make use of those things, if you want to!

ChasingRainbows19 · 20/12/2019 21:04

I love thinking about and planning gifts for my friends and family. I like to think about Their interests etc and I think I know them well enough to choose a nice personal gift. I rarely get rubbish gifts and I'm grateful people care enough to give me a present.

If you dont like gift exchanges tell people and don't do them. Let them save money!

PapayaCoconut · 20/12/2019 21:07

my lovely but unthinking FIL would look at me puzzled as if to say “Why did you get a bell that says ring for more beer?

I'll have to side with your FIL on that one, I'm afraid! 😆

bookmum08 · 20/12/2019 21:10

longestlurkerever does it not occur to you that not everyone can just afford to buy everything that they want for themselves. There are lots of things I would love to have but I don't have the finances to just buy it whenever I want. So that's the point of gifts. Yes I am spending my money on gifts for others - so why don't I use that money to buy stuff for me instead? I will tell you why - different people even within the same family will have different budgets and amounts they can afford on gifts.

clopper · 20/12/2019 21:11

Dudsville that is such a beautiful song.

Roundtoedshoes · 20/12/2019 21:15

@PapayaCoconut - ha ha yes it was a crap gift 😂

In my defence, he also got proper gifts as well (probably from Blue Harbour at M&S!)

Marmitepasta · 20/12/2019 21:28

We stopped doing gifts for adults last year and it was soooo much better!! Thought it might seen less chrismassy somehow but it didn't at all and was just so much easier not having to think of what to buy, her organised etc. Dc still got gifts obvs.
We still do birthday gifts for adults but not Xmas

Heartofglass12345 · 20/12/2019 21:33

I am notoriously hard to buy for lol. Me and my family have always done presents. I don't understand people who don't, what about before you had kids? I have always loved Christmas and it being 'all about the kids' is a load of crap to me. It's like saying people without children can't enjoy it!
My family are always happy with their presents, we don't go overboard and sometimes they choose or give ideas so it's a surprise.
Also there are a lot of people who won't buy themselves things throughout the year, my MIL won't buy herself new clothes or anything nice (no idea why as they can afford it), so when she gets presents she loves them.
I carried on buying for me niece and nephew once they passed 18 which seems to be not normal according to mumsnet lol. They buy something for my boys too (a lot younger than them even though they are cousins) now they are both working.

Heartofglass12345 · 20/12/2019 21:35

On my husbands side we stopped doing adult gifts 2 years ago however, because all of our kids are roughly the same age, but he still buys for his brother who doesn't have any children. Although he forgot this year and bought for his other brother and sister Confused

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/12/2019 22:30

Yes I am spending my money on gifts for others - so why don't I use that money to buy stuff for me instead? I will tell you why - different people even within the same family will have different budgets and amounts they can afford on gifts.

So you don’t feel awkward if you buy someone a Terry’s chocolate orange and they buy you a Jo Malone perfume? Or nothing at all for someone who isn’t that close a friend but who insists on buying you something? A lot of people would feel under pressure to spend more than they can afford on those people.

Even spending only a small amount on lots of people adds up to a large amount of money sometimes. Could really eat into your Christmas food budget.

So you end up having to cut back on Christmas’s treats at home, in return for a load of stuff that may not fit/suit you/ornaments that are not your taste/a book youve already read/perfume you don’t like/chocolates you can’t stand. Different If your present buyers know your taste very well but sometimes even in families you get stuck in buying Auntie Jean fruit jellies because she loves them (when in reality she liked them for 4 years in the 80s and has now gone off them/is borderline diabetic/finds them too sweet.

I don’t know. I jus think back to a few years ago when I had no money to buy myself anything decent and asked everyone in the family for book tokens for birthdays and Christmas. Everyone insisted they weren’t a proper present so got me stuff I didn’t want or need instead. And as an avid reader, I was therefore unable to buy books I would have loved to buy throughout the year, as was saving all my spare cash to put towards buying other people they probably could have afforded to buy themselves anyway.

I am NOT a fan of receiving or giving presents and find rhe whole process cringe worthy. The expectant “I hope you like it?” as you unwrap a gift that is so not your taste. It’s hard to say “not really, no” so you end up just saying “thankyou, it’s lovely” and then putting it in the back of the wardrobe until you take it to a charity shop.

BarbedBloom · 20/12/2019 22:32

People should do what they want to do. We all exchange gifts and enjoy it. My DH buys me lovely presents each year and so do my family. If you get crap presents or normally buy yourself everything you want then I can see why it would be annoying.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/12/2019 22:34

I have always loved Christmas and it being 'all about the kids' is a load of crap to me. It's like saying people without children can't enjoy it!

But you can enjoy Christmas without loads of presents! It’s not actually about presents, is it? giving, yes. But that is a different thing. Give money to charity, take something to the food bank, give an invitation to Christmas dinner to a lonely elderly neighbour. Being generous doesn’t have to involve presents or stuff.

Original poster
longestlurkerever · 20/12/2019 22:34

@bookmum08 I can just live without presents.

OP posts:
Mycatwontstopstaring · 20/12/2019 22:39

Adult gift giving for the sake of it is a waste of time.

Thoughtful adult gift giving is lovely. I love that feeling when someone has looked at me and realised that I need new slippers, or listened when I moaned that I can never find good hair bands, and then gone out and searched for ages and found some with the perfect amount of stretch. Noticed that I read romance and found me a new book I haven’t tried yet. A thoughtful gift solves a problem or improves someone’s life in a way they haven’t had time/money to do yet.

Original poster
longestlurkerever · 20/12/2019 22:40

Sorry bookmum accidentally deleted a long post saying, effectively, i do get that. I am in the same boat, but really there are jobs round the house i have neglected to get sorted in order to sort and pay for gifts, which feels a bit odd. And i do love other things about Christmas- carols and trees and parties and so on. I can just live without gifts

OP posts:
queenqueenqueen · 20/12/2019 22:41

Sorry but I think the large majority of those gifts sound great! I love giving and receiving gifts

JaceLancs · 20/12/2019 22:44

No young children here so if we didn’t do adult gifts no one would give or receive anything
My adult DC know me well and buy very thoughtful things - as do I for them and my DM
Taking DP on a January holiday in lieu of presents
With friends we do birthdays but not Xmas

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/12/2019 23:16

I would have actually preferred the gift of someone’s time when my kids were little. I never had any time to myself so the best present to me would have been someone saying “I’m not giving you any presents this year, but i’ll Take the kids for you on 3 full days at your convenience so you can go and do whatever you wish for the day.” Even better if they offered to take them to a treat to somewhere like the zoo or somewhere we couldn’t afford to take them very often.

No/one ever thinks of that type of thing as being an actual gift but it really is. Or was for me at that time.

LittleReindeer · 20/12/2019 23:21

I hate presents. I invariably receive a load of tat I don’t want, and I presume that other people frequently don’t like the stuff I give them either. What a huge waste of time and money. I always think I could have spent that money getting something I actually want instead of a load of rubbish that I just give to charity. Sometimes hundreds of pounds worth of rubbish!

In recent years I’ve managed to convince family to use wish lists, so I buy off their list and they buy off mine. It’s equally pointless but at least I get something I actually want.

bookmum08 · 20/12/2019 23:29

Curlyhaired I only buy for immediate family and we all know each others financial situations. There is never any awkward moments.
longesteverlurker I could probably live without gifts too. But as it is traditional to give gifts at xmas and birthdays then enjoy giving and receiving them. It's basically me, husband, my parents, mil and my sister who are the adults in the family. So six of us. Maybe that's the problem in some families - buying gifts for too many adults (cousin who you haven't seen since 1993, great aunt who doesn't know your name, your best mates husband etc)

LittleReindeer · 20/12/2019 23:31

Thoughtful adult gift giving is lovely
It’s so rarely thoughtful though. How many people know you well enough to pick something you’d like? People mostly buy something they’d like to receive with little thought for you as an individual. DM gives me clothes she likes that aren’t my style. MIL likes to bake so she subscribed me to a food magazine despite the fact I can hardly boil an egg and have zero interest in cooking. Every single issue went in the bin without ever being opened.

PapayaCoconut · 20/12/2019 23:41

I agree that most gifts are a waste of money but I think often