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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think adult gift giving is a waste of time

134 replies

longestlurkerever · 20/12/2019 19:53

Things I have seen denounced as crap (or at least very risky) gifts on Mumsnet this year:

Books
Bath stuff
Clothes
Jewellery
Homeware
Perfume
Ornamental things
Vouchers
Homeware
Experiences
Charity Gifts
Candles
Slippers/dressing gowns etc
Plants
Foodstuffs
Alcohol

I mean wtf is a good gift? And then you run the gauntlet of "not having put enough thought in" and being judged as uncaring for not being able to adequately express your love or friendship through the medium of commerce. Why do we put ourselves through it? Can we just have a collective pact not to bother?

OP posts:
WalkAwaySugarbear · 21/12/2019 09:09

I hate it even though I try to get thoughtful gifts but what I think they'd like and what they do actually like could be completely different. Receiving something you'd never use is a waste of time and money. I'm terribly fussy so very difficult to buy for and would rather they didn't.
I'd love to remove all gift obligations except for the kids.

lilgreen · 21/12/2019 09:28

Adults usually understand the concept of giving. Children have to learn it, normally from well adjusted adults.

lilgreen · 21/12/2019 09:30

I have DC but before I did I always bought for my nieces and nephews and friends DC without a thought of getting something in return. I loved buying something to please them on Christmas Day. It’s about them, not me.

SmuggyMcKnobson · 21/12/2019 09:31

I love MN suggestion for "token" gifts - whatever the fuck they are? It's either a gift or not a gift also applies to weddings

Often the suggestions are far from cheap and would exceed a lot of people's budget for a "real" gift.

MrsNoMopp · 21/12/2019 09:47

That's true Smuggy. It's like when a newspaper or magazine has a page of 'stocking fillers', none of which are for children or less than £300 Hmm

Original poster
longestlurkerever · 21/12/2019 10:00

This is the trouble i think. 2/3 of people say ianbu but 1/3 think it would be tight-fisted, miserable and unfair not to continue the exchange of gifts. It's not that i dislike the gifts i get at all, it just all feels so unnecessary. I'd rather my friends just sacked off all the thoughtful gift buying and wrapping and cane to the pub!

OP posts:
lilgreen · 21/12/2019 10:01

Me too op! Happy Christmas 🎄

Camomila · 21/12/2019 10:12

bigbubbles I know I saw the thread, Her hamper is classier than mine! :) Mine is full of everyones favourite brands of crisps, fizzy drinks, chocolate and biscuits (and very randomly tuna and stock cubes - always comes back to the UK with my parents in their suitcases.)

bookmum08 · 21/12/2019 10:12

Ponoka7 my family is working class and I am a child of the late 70s/early 80s and we never had the 'tradition' of just giving food or drink. Maybe that's how it was in your working class family but not mine. (oh and about the education thing when it was first made compulsory - 1870ish it wasn't actually free. Many a working class family couldn't afford the penny a day it cost to go). Oh and I do talk and spend time with my family on Christmas day as well as using my new gifts. We all get similar type of things so we will doing these things together. I am very looking forward to Christmas day crafting with my craft obsessed mother in law using our new craft sets.

madcatladyforever · 21/12/2019 10:51

Giving gifts to my ex husband was like pulling teeth. He was impossible to buy for, refused to give me any hints, always said I don't want anything and then sulked for a whole fucking week because I didn't get him exactly what he wanted. It was exhausting.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 21/12/2019 10:57

How many people know you well enough to pick something you’d like?

We only buy multiple gifts for close family and smaller gifts for a handful of friends. Around 20 people in total between DP and I (no children in the family).

I can honestly say that over the years, gift exchanges with people in that pool have been on the nose nearly 100% of the time, including what we've received from them. Maybe we're just lucky with the people around us. When it isn't quite right (e.g my mum has bought me a top I'm not keen on, or we bought something for someone they already had) there are no hard feelings exchanging it, but we've all learned from that over the years and don't make the same mistake again.

You can tell when someone likes a gift or not if you're paying attention to them opening it. A fake smile and a thank you really isn't the same as an involuntary 'HA!' and a beaming grin when someone realises the daft thing in the parcel is exactly right, or a heartfelt and touched smile as they open something that will become precious to them. That also includes opening slips of card that specify that the recipient is being treated to a certain day out/activity when the giver knows they won't want physical 'stuff' (or vice versa) - experiences are some of the best gifts to us. Either that or our friends and family all deserve Oscars. Making people happy like that is my favourite part of Christmas.

Saying that, some people are perpetually ungrateful, and that would suck the fun out of it for me too. Likewise, if I only received gifts from people that couldn't care less then I'd probably not want to bother either. But it's a real shame to me that it gets to that point.

A thoughtful gift solves a problem or improves someone’s life in a way they haven’t had time/money to do yet.

This is a lovely way of putting it.

TheWinterCaillech · 21/12/2019 11:02

Five adults in this family, we love Christmas, gifts, wrapping and stockings. Each to their own, for us it’s about the thought and not the monetary value, and we’ve known each other a long time.

Timeless19 · 21/12/2019 11:05

I agree with the pp about gift giving/receiving being a love language, you are either into it or you are not.

I am not into gift giving or receiving it’s a complete brain ache mostly because I’m fussy anyway so I’m equally fussy about what I buy other people.

This year we set a budget of £25 (it could have been any amount no one really cared) submitted our lists pre-black Friday and then liaised over who was buying what. It’s been the easiest Christmas present buying experience of my life! The hardest bit was deciding what I wanted (I went for a candle and a bird feeding station, not very exciting but I would have bought them for myself anyway!).

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2019 11:09

Once we've opened all the presents, we have a few drinks, stick the turkey in, relax. It's still a lovely day after the presents but it wouldn't be the same without them imo

80sMum · 21/12/2019 11:12

I couldn't agree with you more, OP!

I know someone whose DH is "useless at buying presents" so she buys her own Christmas presents, then gives them to her kids to wrap up. Her DH then gives them back to her on Christmas day!! How utterly pointless is that?! She says it's so she "has something to unwrap on Christmas day". She's in her late 40s for goodness' sake!!

I do feel that many adults regress into childhood where Christmas is concerned! Ah well, whatever lights their Christmas candles, I guess. Grin

80sMum · 21/12/2019 11:17

I think Martin Lewis sums it up quite well in

Original poster
longestlurkerever · 21/12/2019 11:17

I think perhaps i am just not very good at it then. I very rarely alight on the perfect gift for someone. Even dsis and dh, who i love more than anyone, and aren't fussy, result in much head scratching. I have bought dsis and bil tickets to a comedy gig with added offer to babysit, but worry they might be busy that day. Dh has a pile of books and cds, most of which were on his wish list and others are a bit of a risk.

Even the "i noticed you could do with..." gifts risk coming over a bit judgy. Dm does a good line in these - i bought you a desk tidy because your post is always strewn over the breakfast table, kind of thing. I think maybe my love language is not gifts and i don't speak it very fluently.

Last year we sacked it off and booked a cottage to spend new year together with the saved money and it was just lovely, but everyone is busy this year so it's back to the head scratching, and i have suggested sacking it off to others but didn't get the answers i expected.

OP posts:
Pjsandbaileys · 21/12/2019 11:23

Surely bits not the gift it's the thought that someone thinks about you enough to spent time, effort and money on something for you? Have to say my favourite type of gift is someone making me a meal or taking me out for coffee and spending time chatting/righting the world ❤️

Original poster
longestlurkerever · 21/12/2019 11:28

I think that's exactly what i mean pj. Why do i want my friends and family to spend time thinking of me in this specific way? I don't, it feels quite needy to demand people spend time and energy agonising over whether I'd like a particular gift. I'd rather go for coffee or a meal together, or just a walk round the park.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 21/12/2019 11:39

I’m with you, I love giving gifts when inspiration strikes me and I know they’ll love it, but honestly those moments get rarer and rarer. Most people I know have everything they want or buy it as and when. I do wish that gift giving was more acceptable as a sporadic thing rather than enforced twice a year. I do love a card though, as bad as it is environmentally Blush.

I think I’m pretty easy to buy for (bath stuff or smelly candles and I’m happy) but I buy those throughout the year and make a conscious effort to not buy any in November/December. It all becomes a bit pointless.

I really miss being able to buy people a CD/book/DVD and know it’d be received well. Everyone had bloody subscriptions digitally now.

I’ve been with DP for nearing twenty years now and really struggle with him. He’s bloody got everything! I was having this conversation with a group of mums and they were horrified when I said I was just getting him stocking fillers (smellies he uses, socks, a selection box maybe) but I thought it was telling they’d all been with their partners

bookmum08 · 21/12/2019 11:45

longest have you told your family that's what you would like? I did put on the list I gave to my mum Costa voucher. I was semi joking but I do like Costa and I rarely get to go there these days. You need to tell them if that's what you want. However if your family really can't bare the thought of exchanging gifts I really can't believe you can't think of things you would like? You must do something in your spare time?

bookmum08 · 21/12/2019 11:48

Bare to NOT give presents I meant.

Difficultcustomer · 21/12/2019 12:06

Wouldn’t have any presents here if we didn’t do adult ones. Presents are not necessary for us for a good Christmas we just like them. Also often wouldn’t think to spend on ourselves.

For those who don’t do adult presents does that extend to your own D.C. not giving you presents? (I know may be harder if you a single parent.) As a child me giving to parents there was an exchange of thought about the other person (not love or money, it was my parents money, and gifts do not equal love)

Original poster
longestlurkerever · 21/12/2019 12:07

Well i do, yes, i like outdoor swimming and reading and doing the park run. I can come up with a book list and i need a sports bra and running socks. That's either a faff or pointless depending on how prescriptive i end up being though. What i really really want is someone to wave a magic wand and find someone to sort out all the broken things in my house for me. That's quite a big ask though!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 21/12/2019 12:08

The only adults I give gifts too are the ones I know well enough to know what they will like, or ask them what they want/need.

I don’t go for buying for buying sake any more, much better to buy less of what is needed.