Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think adult gift giving is a waste of time

134 replies

longestlurkerever · 20/12/2019 19:53

Things I have seen denounced as crap (or at least very risky) gifts on Mumsnet this year:

Books
Bath stuff
Clothes
Jewellery
Homeware
Perfume
Ornamental things
Vouchers
Homeware
Experiences
Charity Gifts
Candles
Slippers/dressing gowns etc
Plants
Foodstuffs
Alcohol

I mean wtf is a good gift? And then you run the gauntlet of "not having put enough thought in" and being judged as uncaring for not being able to adequately express your love or friendship through the medium of commerce. Why do we put ourselves through it? Can we just have a collective pact not to bother?

OP posts:
bookmum08 · 20/12/2019 23:42

Maybe it's more sad that so many adults consider themselves close enough to buy each other gifts yet aren't close enough to know about what their interests/tastes etc are.

PapayaCoconut · 20/12/2019 23:52

...often they're more about staying connected to other people, than about giving items they actually want or need, that should say. That's valuable to many people.

SunshineAngel · 20/12/2019 23:56

It all depends on the person.

Early this year, I got the family together to have a serious discussion about gifts. My mum always overspends at Christmas, but she's obsessive about it, in that she HAS TO spend so much per person, and if someone gets more than someone else, she has to buy more for the others - but it's always things they don't even need/want by that stage.

So I said we should all make lists of things we would and wouldn't want. I don't know if this will work. I'll find out in a few days I guess!

She keeps buying me clothes, but I've said not to repeatedly as we're in the process of having the house done up, and our bedroom is being done last, so a lot of things are dumped in there, so the last thing we need is something else that needs to be stored.. but this falls on deaf ears.. and I refuse to throw out other clothes to make room when there's nothing wrong with them. It's wasteful, and that kind of behaviour is destroying our planet.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/12/2019 00:05

Maybe it's more sad that so many adults consider themselves close enough to buy each other gifts yet aren't close enough to know about what their interests/tastes etc are.

You can know someone’s interest or hobby but if they’re that much into something they may well have the item you have in mind already. What if someone loves films or meals out? But can’t afford to go very often? Cinema or restaurant voucher is ideal but some people view that as not a real present because it isn’t an actual item.

PiggyInTheMiddle19 · 21/12/2019 00:10

Apart from. Plants and ornaments I'd be happy with all the above.
My fav thing to recieve is pjs.. Sad eh?
We keep gifts to what we want even if that is a need.. My father wanted an attachment for a kitchen gadget.. So I got that. Boring for. Most but its what he wants.
My mother wants cash as saving for something. As does siblings..
Was very easy and stress free.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/12/2019 00:11

And often people THINK they know someone’s tastes but they don’t really. For a long time I couldn’t afford to choose and buy new clothes, jewellery etc for myself so only really had stuff that others bought me.l for birthday and Christmas. So I would wear that very varied stuff and others would then assume that is “my taste”. And buy me more of the same. Itms hard to develop your own taste when you don’t got shopping for yourself for years.

My uncle likes playing golf so he always gets given golf related stuff. Every year. There must surely be a limit on what golf-themed stuff youcan buy someone!

I think I’m projecting too much here. I know that’s not everyone’s experience.

bigbubbles · 21/12/2019 00:14

I'm getting my parents a hamper of their favourite Italian foods ordered online, its all food they like and bring back from Italy but they'd never online shop for themselves (they dont do online food shops either).

I think a mums netter may have an Italian food hamper for sale!

LittleReindeer · 21/12/2019 00:16

People rarely buy me what I want. I’d prefer one nice item but then they whinge “it doesn’t look enough”. Because there’s this obsession with having a pile of gifts. So instead they buy a number of cheaper items that add up to the same amount but that I don’t actually want.

MrsNoMopp · 21/12/2019 00:19

I like all the things on your list except alcohol (don't drink) and toiletries (allergy-prone skin).

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2019 00:23

I love giving and receiving presents
Christmas with no presents is just miserable

DecemberSnow · 21/12/2019 00:25

Alot of MNers are weird...

IvinghoeBeacon · 21/12/2019 00:31

But presumably you’re generally buying for specific people who you know (and maybe even love!), rather than random adults who you have to guess what they like? I don’t find it hard to buy presents for my adult family because I know what they like. I don’t need presents myself either, but I love nearly all of the presents I am given because they have been carefully chosen for me. Of course it’s hard (and arguably pointless) if you’re choosing from a generic list for someone whose tastes you don’t really know, but I’m not doing that

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/12/2019 00:32

Christmas with no presents is just miserable

So what do you when you’ve finished opening your presents then? Sit there feeling that’s Christmas Day done and dusted?

Dieu · 21/12/2019 00:43

I love giving and receiving gifts, but a lot of Mumsnet does veer on the tight-fisted side.

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 21/12/2019 00:57

Since i read about this idea of “5 languages of love” (en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages) i’ve thought it explained the different attitudes to gifts quite well. It also explains that the way people show love is also the main way they appreciate it shown to them too. Those who express love through, say, physical affection such as frequent hugs or physical contact, only really appreciate/understand it when expressed to them in that same way.

For instance, i LOVE gifts, giving and receiving, but my brother is rubbish at them - i often get a call the day of my birthday saying “oh, right, um, i owe you a present. Happy Birthday” (which never then appears). However, he helps out without question whenever i need help and once spent 7 months of his free time helping me renovate my house without asking for any recompense. He shows love in the “acts of service” category, and appreciates them back like that more than the gifts i give. So when i visit him i give his place a tidy if it needs it and sort out some piles of ancient paperwork for him. He appreciates that more than the random gifts (that i obviously still give anyway because i enjoy it).

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 21/12/2019 00:59

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages
Sorry - hopefully now clicky

managedmis · 21/12/2019 01:03

Totally agree. I reckon if you see something whilst out that someone would love, just get it. Regardless of if it's Christmas or not.

bookmum08 · 21/12/2019 01:22

So what do you do when you've finished opening your presents then
Well I probably build some of my new Lego, make a start on a new craft set, start to read new books, eat the chocolates... you know use the gifts I have been given!

eitak22 · 21/12/2019 04:47

I hate when people say let's buy for the kids. I dont have any yet so I'm expected to buy presents and get nothing in return. How is that fair?

Thankfully my family do adult presents and do them well. Its lovely to share presents and take time to choose them, were a small family though.

Ponoka7 · 21/12/2019 08:49

"But as it is traditional to give gifts at xmas and birthdays then enjoy giving and receiving them"

It wasn't traditional among the working class to buy gifts that wasn't food/drink or practical and even that was only between parents and children.

We've been persuaded by advertisers to buy gifts that are mostly just 'stuff'. At most, when I was a child in the 70's, you'd visit family on Boxing day and take a bottle of spirits and chocolates. But that was when they were treats and we didn't eat them as often as we do now.

It's the same as how school has changed. Working class people wasn't expected to pay out on things going on in the school.

Like pps. I was sick of spending on others, when I'm a person who hates stuff and my family are the type to not buy vouchers from were I want. My skincare etc is too expensive to ask for and bought online.

But more it's the hassle of shopping. I do gift people my time, though. I've put up two Christmas trees already (I also usually get asked to do at least one on Christmas eve) and I've done a lot of babysitting. I make the effort to see people in person.

"So what do you do when you've finished opening your presents then"
"Well I probably build some of my new Lego, make a start on a new craft set, start to read new books,"

We do radical stuff like talking to each other. Although I spend a lot of time around family, we don't get time to properly talk. Mainly due to young children and practical stuff taking over. So instead of presents and games, we talk properly and enjoy relaxed eating together.

lilgreen · 21/12/2019 08:52

@eitak22 how childish of you! You sound like Verucca Salt !

Elbeagle · 21/12/2019 08:57

lilgreen no she doesn’t! We have three children, SIL has none. I wouldn’t dream of saying ‘child presents only’... why should she have to go to the effort and expense of choosing and buying gifts for our children and for us not to do the same in return?

lilgreen · 21/12/2019 08:59

Errr because we love them? We are grown adults and don’t need presents to feel special and magical at Christmas?

lilgreen · 21/12/2019 08:59

Personally I never give to receive.

Elbeagle · 21/12/2019 09:08

Well great lilgreen. But can’t you see that by imposing a ‘child presents only’ rule, you’re telling people they have to give and not receive?
No gifts? Fine. Child presents only imposed on someone child free? Rude, unless it’s the child free person themselves suggesting it.