Boyfriend going on holiday with another woman

[ThePriceOfSugar]

I've been with my boyfriend 10 months. Everything has been fine up to now.

He asked if I wanted to go on holiday with him to a rural part of the country for hiking and sightseeing. I grew up there, have done the hiking exhaustively, and have no desire or extra money to go. I declined. He said he would go with a friend. He has 3 good male friends and lots of colleagues. I said fine.

That was a month ago. Today he mentioned that he has arranged an itinerary and booked leave to go with a "colleague" (who lives in a different country) who will be over here when he wants to go. This colleague is a woman he's met once before while he was at a conference overseas. They met in a club after hours. His friends joked with him that she was really into him. She invited him to present at her workplace in October, which he did. I thought nothing of it.

I'm shocked and angry that he booked the holiday with her. It's just the two of them, multiple overnight stays. He says she is just a colleague and he has done nothing wrong since I declined the trip and said he can go "with anyone". Obviously I didn't mean this arrangement. He claims he has "no one else" to ask and wants to share costs.

The hypocrisy of it hits me hard too because he always assumes all my male friends and colleagues want to have sex with me.

Am I being unreasonable? Isn't it normal to have this kind of boundary in a relationship?

I think OP is right not to trust him. He TOLD her all her male friends and colleagues are secretly plotting to get her into bed and then says he's going away with another woman. Its a huge red flag that he thinks all OPs male friends are after her yet he is completely innocent I presume?
He's different to all the other predatory men out there. He is special and he is a "nice guy". What a crock of shit.

If you carry on this farce, then you are fool and a doormat.

He has another woman - plain and simple.

Have some self respect and bloody end it!

Hope I haven't been played for a fool
I think you have.
He was with her for 2 weeks and now he is going to holiday with her again.
Come on OP.
No-one is this niaive!
Go into his flat, get your stuff and then......
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I hope the only reason you have gone to his apartment is to post his keys through the letterbox. Then return home and block him.

This relationship was going nowhere anyway. I find it a bit odd that in the first 10 months of a relationship you didn't want to go on holiday with him to the area where you grew up. Yes, you'd done the hiking thing endless times but it would have been different showing someone else. This was one of the nicest things I did with my ex - showing him the places where I grew up.
If he's into hiking and you're not, it's a non-starter really. I'm a hiker and 90% of my holidays are taken up with variations on this theme. I need a like-minded partner.

But - he is being a dick taking this other woman on the holiday instead of you. I'm getting a bit of a "punishment" vibe going on. You didn't want to go on the holiday so he'll go and takes who he likes.
I wouldn't trust him that nothing had gone on when he was in her country for work either. Also you don't go on hiking holidays with people you've only met once because you don't know if they are a suitable hiking partner. There's something else going on.

Post the keys through the letter box. Go home. Block and ignore. This is not the man for you

This relationship is banjoed whatever way you look at it because there is no trust.

Time to move on OP.

Prepare to move. Move.

Really hope you dont go in op

He is unreasonable. Dump him. Or at least post keys through letterbox and give him a clear message.

Spoke to him. Utterly unbelievable, gaslit me to extrêmes. Said some shocking things about my age and what his friends think of me and how this situation is a consequence of my decision not to go on holiday with him. That's all the answer about the relationship I will ever need. A pretty terrifying experience being treated like that by a man who's shown no sign of it at all before. I'm going to stay with my parents tomorrow. Thank you for your comments and advice everyone.

King Al. What a shit bag!

I completely agree with the other posters saying dump him. Start 2020 afresh without his baggage. He is trying to control you and trying to make you seem unreasonable - major red flags. Good luck OP, I do think you've had a lucky escape although it may not feel like it right now. If you dump him I think you'll be far better off.

Lucky escape. He sounds vile. Thank heavens you haven't wasted anymore than 10 months on him. It should still be bunnies and roses and 'perfect' at 10 months. Learn from this experience.

Move on. If I were you, I would have no further contact with him. None.

What is the age difference ?

being treated like that by a man who's shown no sign of it at all before
Yeah, but he's got someone else now so he doesn't need you.
So he can now show you his true colours!!!!

An age is an age - how can anyone say anything shocking????
He's a complete twat OP.
Lucky escape.

Said some shocking things about my age and what his friends think of me and how this situation is a consequence of my decision not to go on holiday with him.

He knew your age when he started the relationship. He's just using this as an excuse. It's a cheap and easy shot.
And then he blames you for him having to take some other woman he met in a club on this holiday.

At least he's shown you who he is now and not after marriage and a couple of children.

He's only using your age against you because it's an excuse now - "oh you're too young you wouldn't understand"
"You need to listen to me because I've learned from experiences you haven't had yet" blah blah.

This situation is a consequence of you not doing as you're told.

I hope you left the keys behind.

Well I don't blame him. Your reaction was quite immature. You didn't want to go with him but wanted to control who he went with. You then tried to make him feel bad and wanted him to make the decision to cancel just because you decided you couldn't trust him.

I couldn't be with someone that controlling either. If you didn't trust him, then you should have ended up with him there and then rather than manipulate him into doing what suited you.

Ask him how he would feel if you did this exact thing? And if he doesn't get it/insists it's different I honestly would dump him and move on with my life. If he's already the jealous type then you can do without him in your life anyway...

You're well shot of him. Even without this holiday business, the fact that he thinks all men want to shag you, means that he's not someone to be with. He wants to shag any woman, so thinks that's what other men think too.
This would lead to him becoming controlling, not allowing you to have male friends, stopping you from wearing clothes and make up that he deems to be slutty, insisting on knowing where you are at all times (to make sure you're not shagging one of those men who all want to shag you), the list goes on.

That was a red flag, and you'd do well to learn from it, so if in future, you meet another man with those views, you stay well away from him.

Someone upthread suggested reading the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That, here's the free pdf version of that book. I recommend you do read it.

I'm so sick of these type of threads.

You don't own people.
You cannot control who their friends are.
You can not tell them what to do.
A relationship is built on trust and respect, not them choosing you over everyone in the world always, never disagreeing with you and putting you on a pedestal.

No wonder relationships are fucked and divorce rates are so high when we feel entitled to control all our partners actions and emotions and not allow them their own freedom of choice.

Oh dear Dontdisturbme.
Having your and eating it, are we?

@championquartz, no idea what you're on about, just sharing my views and what I know would be of most my friends and relatives.

As moresex insinuated, there is nothing worse than someone who tries to control who you can do things with. That would have been a big red herring when I met my OH and even more for him.

As said, why be with someone you don't trust to be faithful to you just because they go somewhere with the opposite sex.

If OP had said that he'd gone there, not got into contact with her during the entire time, didn't pick up his phone, was cagey about what they'd done, cane back with knickers in his bag, then yes, that was obvious that he'd been up to no good, but as it is, she accused him of being unfaithful with no evidence. If he is a man with integrity, whose never cheated before, and didn't intend to now, that's scary behaviour to be accused of and pressured to change plans because of it.

You're well rid OP. I think @Dontdisturbmenow holds the minority view here. I would have been upset in your situation as well as it's a pretty uncaring thing to do, to go on holiday with another woman and leave you waiting to see how it would go.

Onwards to a better 2020

Ahh piss off more sex. Going away with an old friend who happens to be the opposite sex is completely different to swanning off on holiday with a woman he has met once and he also admitted he thinks she’s into him. There’s nothing platonic about that at all. I find it bizarre he even thought to ask someone he’d met once in his life, who would do that? It’s disrespectful to the OP, nobody who respects their partner would do this.

If I came home and told DH I was going on holiday with a man I’d met once who fancied me I’d expect him to hit the roof, that’s a totally normal reaction.

I'm sorry OP but I do think YABU. He asked you to go on holiday, you declined and told him to go with 'anyone'. He chose (wrongly) to go with a female who isn't really a friend but there we go.

He may have been playing games with you or he may have merely been utterly dumb and inconsiderate to your feelings.

Anyways from the last post it seems to have come to a head. Sounds as though perhaps you're not right for each other. I assume you're older than him and now it's come to a head. Sorry to hear this before Christmas but better to know sooner rather than later.

OP please ignore @Dontdisturbmenow and @MoreSexPleaseImBritish. Either they absent read the full thread or they are just being goady. Going away with an established friend would be totally different (and reasonable people can disagree about whether that would he appropriate). However, this is a woman he has only just met on a two week work trip/holiday. Stuff that for a game of soldiers!

You’ve made the right call OP - stay strong .
You’re age has not been relevant for the last 10 months so it isn’t the reason for his behaviour now .

He might have been hurt by you not wanting to go on holiday with him .... but taking a woman he barely knows instead is not a proportionate response! ...

Have a lovely Christmas with your family ! There’s a Much better option out there For you