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Original poster

Boyfriend going on holiday with another woman

163 replies

ThePriceOfSugar · 20/12/2019 02:46

I've been with my boyfriend 10 months. Everything has been fine up to now.

He asked if I wanted to go on holiday with him to a rural part of the country for hiking and sightseeing. I grew up there, have done the hiking exhaustively, and have no desire or extra money to go. I declined. He said he would go with a friend. He has 3 good male friends and lots of colleagues. I said fine.

That was a month ago. Today he mentioned that he has arranged an itinerary and booked leave to go with a "colleague" (who lives in a different country) who will be over here when he wants to go. This colleague is a woman he's met once before while he was at a conference overseas. They met in a club after hours. His friends joked with him that she was really into him. She invited him to present at her workplace in October, which he did. I thought nothing of it.

I'm shocked and angry that he booked the holiday with her. It's just the two of them, multiple overnight stays. He says she is just a colleague and he has done nothing wrong since I declined the trip and said he can go "with anyone". Obviously I didn't mean this arrangement. He claims he has "no one else" to ask and wants to share costs.

The hypocrisy of it hits me hard too because he always assumes all my male friends and colleagues want to have sex with me.

Am I being unreasonable? Isn't it normal to have this kind of boundary in a relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 20/12/2019 08:20

I've walked to his apartment building. Collecting my thoughts in the lobby. I do want a clearer answer. It makes no sense to me that he's so defensive. Not sure whether to go in.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 20/12/2019 08:21

I think he is being untruthful here TBH. Why would he choose to go with someone who likes him and is "into him" Hmm I wonder! As an aside if he thinks all your male friends and colleagues are after you ,is not a compliment to you but reducing you to his level

theLadyofShallnot · 20/12/2019 08:23

It puts the keys through the letterbox or else it gets the hose again.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 20/12/2019 08:23

Don’t put him in the controlling seat. Tell him it’s over and he doesn’t need to think about it.

MerryDeath · 20/12/2019 08:24

yeah probably a bit weird... is he passive aggressively trying to get at you for not going? i know I'm old at cynical but 10 months into a relationship i'd ditch for basically ANYTHING. i wasn't like that when i was younger though.

Andysbestadventure · 20/12/2019 08:24

I'd be more concerned that after only 10 months you can't be arsed to do something with your partner that they would like you to do with them? So what if you've hiked it before - you haven't done it with them. And your partner wanted your company, why wouldn't you want to spend time with them?

You sound like a misery to be honest. Maybe you're not compatible and should just call it off.

MistleToeSucker · 20/12/2019 08:25

Why do you want an answer? He's told you what you need to hear. You're just giving him the power to make the decision about your relationship. What will you do if he does turn around and say fine I will cancel?

Just tell him you're done. I can guarantee he's the type to come running. Modern day dating seems to involve men seeing multiple women at once - I did online dating a few years ago and it was full of men like this keeping their options open.

Don't be an option!

RobinsonXmas · 20/12/2019 08:26

I'm sorry that he is engineering such a 'messy' break up.
Do you think you should split up asap?

Tombliwho · 20/12/2019 08:27

Why are you at his apartment? Why are you even chasing this? It sounds like a pretty rubbish relationship and after only 10 months what is the point? Put the keys in his letterbox and walk away with your dignity for goodness sake.

Andysbestadventure · 20/12/2019 08:27

"I have keys to his apartment but he told me repeatedly not to come and hung up on me." But you've gone over anyway? Fucking hell. If a bloke did that the police would be called. Are you nuts OP?

ODFOkaren · 20/12/2019 08:35

OP, I’ve read the thread and it doesn’t sound like the romance of the century.

His texts to you re canceling are laughable. Trying to make it sound like your fault. From what you have told us he sounds like a petulant prick.

You are at his place now?!! I really hope you’ve not gone in.

You need to text him that it’s over, delete and block and move on with your life.

ODFOkaren · 20/12/2019 08:37

Sadly Iearned this lesson too late in life - a good relationship won’t be this hard.

Egghead68 · 20/12/2019 08:38

Just ditch.

SecretMillionaire · 20/12/2019 08:40

He’s not worth the thinking time. Post the keys through the door and leave.

AnyFucker · 20/12/2019 08:43

You've gone round to his place after he spoke to you like that ?
Pathetic.

Damntheman · 20/12/2019 08:44

I originally thought you were being a bit unreasonable. You could still have gone on the holiday even though you'd done all the hiking because doing it WITH HIM should have made it a new experience. Plus it's rather fun to show someone one is into an area that one knows well. I don't fully understand why you said no, perhaps you're not that into the relationship either?

But then reading the updates.. I've changed my vote. I'm sorry OP, he should have cancelled the holiday without even asking you when it was clear you were upset, or suggested another area that you might like to go along with. He's playing a weird game and I wouldn't like it either. Plus his reservations about the relationship? WTF. My husband and I don't share a nationality or a mother tongue and we are very solid despite a five year age gap. You can go better than this, I hope you posted his keys through the letter box and left.

1busybee · 20/12/2019 08:48

I would think twice before going in. Realistically this situation has massively damaged any relationship you had

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 20/12/2019 08:50

He can't go on holiday with whoever he wants. When you are in a relationship you have to accept that your actions have an effect on the other person. So you wouldnt go on holiday with your partners family when your partner isn't there, someone who is horrible to your partner, or someone of the opposite sex who is 'interested' in them for example.

I think it's ok to have a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex but this isn't a long standing friendship, its someone that he met once then spent 2 weeks with...? That's not how most friendships work.

Also his hypocrisy - you said he always assumes males you know, want to have sex with you. This rings alarm bells to me, as in my experience it normally means that they are judging other men by their own standards

Costacoffeeplease · 20/12/2019 08:50

Why have you gone round there when he told you not to?

Armadillostoes · 20/12/2019 08:51

Oh OP-Am really sorry. This must be hurtful-but honestly, there are so many red flags. A man who is paranoid about your relationships will male collagues but pulls a stunt like this? There is no excuse and the longer you stay the more you will get hurt.

crosspelican · 20/12/2019 08:57

Please update to say you popped his keys in the letterbox & have gone home to have a nice Christmas without your boyfriend-who-will-be-engaged-to-this-new-woman-by-Easter.

He’s not into you. You’re fun while he works in your country but he will settle down with someone if his age, from his country. You know this because he is literally going in his second holiday in 3 months with someone of his age, from his country.

NaviSprite · 20/12/2019 08:59

Don’t go in, post the keys through his letterbox and walk away with your head held high, don’t get sucked into the drama. Even if you get your answers will that be enough? Best to just cut your losses and move on. Easier said than done I know but honestly OP it doesn’t sound like it’s worth your emotional energy.

Christmaspug · 20/12/2019 09:01

Nah ,I’d of ended things for that ,hes a twat ,he’s letting you know he will do as he pleases ,and he’s saying he doesn’t give a shit about u,it’s obvious you would be upset about it ,anyone would

Betterbegoing · 20/12/2019 09:05

Why are you letting him call all the shots? Grow a backbone and dump him. It’s verging on pathetic letting someone treat you this way and still chasing after them like a kicked puppy.

BloggersBlog · 20/12/2019 09:05

Glad you called his bluff by saying to him you want him to cancel.

Keys through door, then go. Keep your dignity by not seeing someone who has told you they don't want you there. Please

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