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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going on holiday with another woman

163 replies

ThePriceOfSugar · 20/12/2019 02:46

I've been with my boyfriend 10 months. Everything has been fine up to now.

He asked if I wanted to go on holiday with him to a rural part of the country for hiking and sightseeing. I grew up there, have done the hiking exhaustively, and have no desire or extra money to go. I declined. He said he would go with a friend. He has 3 good male friends and lots of colleagues. I said fine.

That was a month ago. Today he mentioned that he has arranged an itinerary and booked leave to go with a "colleague" (who lives in a different country) who will be over here when he wants to go. This colleague is a woman he's met once before while he was at a conference overseas. They met in a club after hours. His friends joked with him that she was really into him. She invited him to present at her workplace in October, which he did. I thought nothing of it.

I'm shocked and angry that he booked the holiday with her. It's just the two of them, multiple overnight stays. He says she is just a colleague and he has done nothing wrong since I declined the trip and said he can go "with anyone". Obviously I didn't mean this arrangement. He claims he has "no one else" to ask and wants to share costs.

The hypocrisy of it hits me hard too because he always assumes all my male friends and colleagues want to have sex with me.

Am I being unreasonable? Isn't it normal to have this kind of boundary in a relationship?

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 20/12/2019 07:45

After only 10 months together I would be tempted to dump him, not because it is not probably totally innocent that although they hardly know each other it could be “just friends” but because he things you are stupid enough for him to get away with it.

I have men friends that are just friends and will never be anything more than that, I go out with them without my partner and have travelled extensively with one of them. we got to that level of no romantic friendship after years of knowing each other, you can’t achieve a “like a brother and sister” status after 2 meetings.

Sorry OP, he is having you on.

Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 20/12/2019 07:48

Thank you again for your messages. Nearly 6 hours ago we had the argument and I walked out furious. He texted me to say sorry to upset me and if I really wanted him to he'd cancel. I said it was his call. He replied saying he "made his call when [i] declined to come and now I have no-one else". He said "because of the order of events I don't think I have done anything wrong, so if you insist I'll cancel".

I told him to cancel then. And he hasn't replied since then. I've had some time to think and I will confront him tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 20/12/2019 07:52

I guess I'm just hyping myself up but he has reservations about our relationship because we don't share a nationality and mother tongue and because I'm much younger. Needless to say she is originally from the same country as him and of the "right" age.

OP posts:
Skidzer · 20/12/2019 07:52

Well of course - he fell asleep. His new girlfriend is coming over soon so he'll have loads of time to have fun!
If you think he's not shagging her.................. well then there's nothing to be said.

NaviSprite · 20/12/2019 07:54

Oh dear I think other PP are right, he’s playing a nasty game, especially putting the onus on you to ‘make him cancel’, most normal folks would realise that this was inappropriate behaviour and - I don’t know - not book a hiking holiday with another woman?

It’s harsh but it shows his lack of priorities as far as you and your relationship are concerned. Is this hiking holiday so important? If it is why can’t he do it by himself? Very unreasonable behaviour from him OP and if you are going to discuss it tonight do your absolute best not to get drawn into a shouting match, remain firm but calm as much as possible otherwise he might use your (very understandable) anger to convince you you’re being unreasonable- my ex did this a lot and it was the precursor to a long, drawn out abusive and controlling relationship. Take care OP.

Uncompromisingwoman · 20/12/2019 07:58

OP - note he's putting the responsibility on you to tell him to cancel - "I'll cancel if you insist". He will now hold this over you for ever.

He's shown you who he is and what he thinks of you when he booked to go away with another women. He's taking you for a fool. You really need to see this.

Shoxfordian · 20/12/2019 07:59

He clearly has no respect for you
Dump him and move on

Uncompromisingwoman · 20/12/2019 08:00

And he's expecting you to do the 'pick me dance'.

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

OceanSunFish · 20/12/2019 08:00

You've done the right thing OP. Don't back down now or he'll think he can get away with anything!

LunasOrchid · 20/12/2019 08:02

Dump and run before the word mug becomes permanently tattooed onto your forehead.

Garlicinyoursoul · 20/12/2019 08:03

Well all of this, sounds like a big bag of nope.
Bin him, he’s trying to guilt you into letting him go, by selflessly offering to cancel.
I’m glad you called his bluff, he’s probably sulking and bitching to his other girlfriend.

He won’t cancel, you’ll argue, he’ll go back to shagging this woman, and you can get on with your life.

Ontheboardwalk · 20/12/2019 08:04

Another dump him vote here!

I’m usually in the camp that men and women can be friends and work colleagues can go out for a meal without shagging under the dining table, however this all feels very wrong.

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 20/12/2019 08:05

Nope, I wouldn't be on board with this at all.

MistyCloud · 20/12/2019 08:08

@ThePriceOfSugar You are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable about this, and I would be fuming. I would not want to continue the relationship to be honest.

I know on these kind of threads, you get responses from people saying YABU, and I am pleased to see the reactions, and the stats on the poll are very much in favour of saying YANBU.

YANBU for sure, and I would be seriously telling him that given the circumstances, you don't think the relationship can continue. As a number of people have said, he is taking the piss, he is clearly not that much into you, and he is treating you like shit.

I also agree with a pp that he seems to be 'punishing' you for not going. Horrible behaviour, but sadly not rare, especially in men. (Some men.)

Bin him.

Stephminx · 20/12/2019 08:08

Dump, dump and dump again.

Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 20/12/2019 08:11

I just phoned him. He was very defensive. I said I wanted to talk to him in person and he told me a dozen times he doesn't want to see me, fight or talk to me. I asked if he was cheating on me and he laughed and said no. That he has to think about me "making decisions about his life" for him. Which I have never done. I have keys to his apartment but he told me repeatedly not to come and hung up on me.

OP posts:
oldmum22 · 20/12/2019 08:13

Run for the hills my love . You deserve so much more than this crap,pick yourself up,dust yourself down and start all over again .

Ps , I hope it pisses with rain on his "hiking" holiday .

Poppyfields21 · 20/12/2019 08:13

Please don’t let this man waste any more of you’d time. He sounds incredibly manipulative, dump him.

AnyFucker · 20/12/2019 08:14

he always assumes all my male friends and colleagues want to have sex with me

Projection. If you stay with this man you are a fool.

MissChananderlerbong · 20/12/2019 08:14

Yanbu, shes not even really a friend is she? If they were mates for years fine! I'm going to see my male friend in another country without my DH. But weve been mates for 10 years and DH knows him.

Skidzer · 20/12/2019 08:16

Well you have your answer....... Unless you'd like it spelled out in clearer terms?

theLadyofShallnot · 20/12/2019 08:18

Who is he to tell you what you can and cannot do?

Bloody do go round to his apartment.

And pop his keys through his letter box.

Armadillostoes · 20/12/2019 08:19

OP I am usually the first to argue I am capable of having close friends who are male without jumping into bed with them, and therefore assume that the same is true of other humans BUT this is bonkers. After 10 months the best option is to dump him. If he is prepared to treat you like this AND is jealous-he is pretty clearly a cheat. And on the minuscule chance he isn't cheating, he is playing some nasty and manipulative game.

There are lots of great men in the world. Get rid of this poor excuse and when you feel ready, go find someone caring and committed.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 20/12/2019 08:19

I think men and women can have 100% platonic friendships and might not have a problem with DH going away with a close female friend but this is just odd because they're not close friends. It's more suspect since he seems so jealous of your male colleagues.

LazyDaisey · 20/12/2019 08:20

Presenting at his workplace in October = 1-3 day business trip, depending if you go midweek or tack on a weekend day. It doesn’t mean a 2 week holiday Confused

I’m guessing you’re leaving a lot out, like he went back to his home country and also stayed with family and friends?