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Original poster

Boyfriend going on holiday with another woman

163 replies

ThePriceOfSugar · 20/12/2019 02:46

I've been with my boyfriend 10 months. Everything has been fine up to now.

He asked if I wanted to go on holiday with him to a rural part of the country for hiking and sightseeing. I grew up there, have done the hiking exhaustively, and have no desire or extra money to go. I declined. He said he would go with a friend. He has 3 good male friends and lots of colleagues. I said fine.

That was a month ago. Today he mentioned that he has arranged an itinerary and booked leave to go with a "colleague" (who lives in a different country) who will be over here when he wants to go. This colleague is a woman he's met once before while he was at a conference overseas. They met in a club after hours. His friends joked with him that she was really into him. She invited him to present at her workplace in October, which he did. I thought nothing of it.

I'm shocked and angry that he booked the holiday with her. It's just the two of them, multiple overnight stays. He says she is just a colleague and he has done nothing wrong since I declined the trip and said he can go "with anyone". Obviously I didn't mean this arrangement. He claims he has "no one else" to ask and wants to share costs.

The hypocrisy of it hits me hard too because he always assumes all my male friends and colleagues want to have sex with me.

Am I being unreasonable? Isn't it normal to have this kind of boundary in a relationship?

OP posts:
sandragreen · 20/12/2019 09:06

Dump him and move on.

antwacky · 20/12/2019 09:08

Please just post his keys through the door and walk away with your head held high, don't give him the drama and attention he's obviously seeking.

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/12/2019 09:16

He's assuming a lot about a 'holiday' with a woman he has, allegedly, met once.

What if she hates hiking and her idea of 'going walking' is a slow one mile to the nearest pub and he wants to do fifteen miles over the hills? What if she hates the weather? What if her idea of relaxing post walk isn't the same as his?

I wouldn't go on holiday with most of the friends I've had for more than twenty years, for just these reasons, unless we'd agreed beforehand to spend our days separately. The only way he can 'split costs' apart from the travel, is to share a room anyway, isn't it?

I think he's using it to make you jealous. When he gets back, how would you even know if they'd slept together, he will, presumably, lie and cover up, obviously he considers that you will be doing the same whilst he's away.

I'd dump him now. He's not boyfriend material.

AlrightyyThen · 20/12/2019 09:16

I think he's picked something you wouldn't want to do on purpose, knowing that's when she was coming to this country and when they would get the opportunity to spend time together.

She may not even know you exist.

You're worth more than this OP Flowers

StealthPussy · 20/12/2019 09:17

”It makes no sense to me that he's so defensive.”

Then you need to read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft
He’s defensive because that is the technique he is currently using to manipulate you.
It’s working because you are in the apartment.

He’s now either sticking with that technique or he has switched to another to secure your attention.
He is manipulative. He does this on purpose. He knows he’s hurt you. That was his aim. He is getting a kick out of it. He’s getting a kick out of the fact you’ve gone over.
Control and manipulation. That’s what you are going to get from him.

AlrightyyThen · 20/12/2019 09:18

I couldn't go on a hiking holiday with my best male friend of 8 years because we don't like doing the same things (he would want to walk far more than i) there would have to be a few of us so we could split up, etc. IMO you only drag yourself along for everything someone else wants to do when you have an interest in them

GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/12/2019 09:19

Don't go in. Post his keys and leave.

ravenmum · 20/12/2019 09:19

You're not going to get him to admit he's after this other woman; why would he do that? Seriously, can you think of a single reason why he would admit to anything at all?

At 10 months I would personally be waving him off on his holiday. Never to be seen again.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 20/12/2019 09:20

Another one who thinks it's strange he's going on holiday with someone he barely knows...allegedly.

Chloemol · 20/12/2019 09:22

You told him you wouldn’t go, and in my opinion were selfish to do so. Just because you had done everything he hadn’t and if you cared about him that much you would want to spend time with him regardless of how many times you had done something before.

Now he’s gone with a colleague. Does it matter if said colleague is male or female, or are you saying he can only have make colleagues? If this was the other way round everyone on her would be screaming he is controlling you. In this case you are controlling him.

If you don’t trust him, then that says something for your relationship doesn’t it? Along with the fact that you didn’t want to spend this time with him?

Grow up

NorthEndGal · 20/12/2019 09:23

You should not be going around when he has asked you not to. If you asked him to stay away, and he just decided to ignore that, MN would be baying for his blood.

Clearly the relationship is having issues, and it sounds like it would be smartest to just drop keeps and go

FattyCutty · 20/12/2019 09:29

OP you said this is out of character for him , but is it ? You've only known him 10 months.

Dontdisturbmenow · 20/12/2019 09:32

It makes no sense to me that he's so defensive
It makes total sense to me and I would have reacted just like him. I have never cheated in a partner!

He want to go with you and you to show him the place he is clearly very keen on. You refused. He discussed it with this person and she agreed so decided to go together. He told you so didn't hide anything. You now have a fit because you want to decide who he can or can't go with despite having been together only 20 months.

Have you considered that maybe he really didn't intend to do anything with her and that maybe just maybe they are indeed only friends even if she supposedly fancy him?

You are now pestering him and trying to make him feel guilty. If I was him, I would be very concerned about your controlling behaviour and I would be dumping you.

How will you feel if you do dump him, he goes with her and nothing happens? It is possible for people of different sexes to go away and them not ending up in bed together even if one might have a slight crush on the other.

midep · 20/12/2019 09:35

Sounds to me as though he suggested a trip that he knew the OP wouldn't want to do and couldn't afford anyway. I presume he didn't suggest an alternative they would both enjoy.

Emeraldshamrock · 20/12/2019 09:35

The hypocrisy of it hits me hard too because he always assumes all my male friends and colleagues want to have sex with me
You know the real cheater in the relationship is usually the accuser who suspects his partner with opposite sex friends.

Branleuse · 20/12/2019 09:35

Hes made it quite clear. Please dont go to his appartment to have it out with him. Dont degrade yourself. Youre just not into each other enough. Move on

beautifulstranger101 · 20/12/2019 09:37

Yeah, he can piss right off. This is classic passive-aggressive behaviour designed to punish you for not going.

The double standard here is the key- he assumes all your male friends want to get you into bed yet sees nothing wrong with HIM going on a cosy holiday with another woman? Yeah, NO.

Pardonwhat · 20/12/2019 09:38

Over my dead body would I!
Move on.

Sciurus83 · 20/12/2019 09:39

DUMP HIM!!!

Whoops75 · 20/12/2019 09:40

He’s using her to get to you and probably using you to get to her.

Don’t play pick me with this tosser

Walk away

Snuffkindle · 20/12/2019 09:41

Hope it's gone ok OP. What a horrible situation and time of year for it to happen. I think heart of hearts you probably weren't that into him or you would have jumped at the chance to be together on holiday and show him the sights. I definitely wouldn't be hanging around for him now. It's totally not on this business, and he knows it.

MoreSexPleaseImBritish · 20/12/2019 09:41

My partner has had a fair few holidays with 2 of his female friends since we have been together. (cycling Portland to san fran, Cuba, +1 at a wedding in the seychelles) He works overseas a lot so often extends a work trip to go hiking or snowboarding etc. I can't always go and sometimes he just wants to spend time with friends- male and female.
One of the friends I know well, the other I have never met as she lives in the US.
I trust him.
As long as I'm told and it isn't secretive it's fine. I hang out with my friends and take trips to visit my overseas friends without him, I also do solo sporty holidays to meet new people and try new things- shock horror I meet men at these things too and sleep in mixed dorms.

You either trust him or you don't. Yu have to decide what you are happy with. It doesn't make what he is doing wrong just because you are uncomfortable with it.
If someone is going to be unfaithful they don't have to take a holiday to do it.

IdiotInDisguise · 20/12/2019 09:56

Oh God, you have gone to his apartment? Why, what extra clarity you need? Pick up your dignity from the floor, post the keys and never get back in touch with him.

Dontdisturbmenow · 20/12/2019 09:58

Exactly you've chosen not to trust him. Maybe you are right but if you were wrong, you've sure gave him a good reason for him to dump you.

I would have pretended I was fine with it, but then gone on a hunt to see if there were any signs afterwards that he had been up to no good.

Dontdisturbmenow · 20/12/2019 10:00

8mrealky surprised that for almost 3vrry poster, a man who goes on hols with someone of the other sex means they inevitably intend on cheating.

It doesn't make sense to me. If that was his intention, why even ask op in the first place. Surely it would have been a lot easier to tell OP he was on a business trip, or away with a male friend. Why tell the truth, especially when OP could have said yes.